SUIT & NUT: Top 100 White Players

Hey guys, Suit & Nut is back just in time for the new season, and did you know race is a hot topic in today’s NBA? Topical! Topical!

Topical.

Today we’re bringing you another post you won’t be seeing on ESPN anytime soon: the top 100 white players in the NBA.

Is this a good idea? Can we toe the line? Oh God let’s try.

S&N tiny

Before we start ranking, we need to carefully define our terms. What does it take to be a top 100 white player in the NBA? After minutes of hard thinking, we have the formula.

CAN’T BE: Too Shit.

Pretty self-evident. Top 100 means Top 100.

Apologies to: Justin Hamilton, Joe Harris, Robbie Hummel, Alex Kirk, Shayne Whittington

CAN’T BE: Too Foreign.

Lists like this are pretty blatant wish-fulfillment for 5’11 American-born white guys like us. So we went with the industry-standard “would a racist cop notice your accent” criterion here. Our international team of thousands of scientists was super, super objective and consistent on this one.

Papers please: Luigi Datome, Vitor Faverani, Jorge Gutierrez, Enes Kanter, Dikembe Mutombo, Kostas Papanikolaou, Pablo Prigioni, Anderson Varejao, Greivis Vasquez

CAN’T BE: Probable Communist.

We can’t all share the rock equally in America. Sorry boys.

Please report: Sergey Karasev, Ognjen Kuzmic, Nemanja Nedovic, Jusuf Nurkic, Damjan Rudez

CAN’T BE: Halfsies.

Pulling out the classic “would you check White on your college application” for this one.

Sorry to see you go: Matt Barnes, Stephen Curry, Jordan Farmar, Aaron Gordon, Kris Humphries, Nick Johnson, Zach LaVine, Dwight Powell, Austin Rivers, Klay Thompson, Deron Williams

HONESTLY, WE CAN’T TELL.

This list is made in jest, and to be frank Googling players’ parents and races feels creepy after a while. If it took us more than five minutes we just gave up. Moral of story: your whiteness should be obvious.

Who are you?: Jeff Ayres (halfsies?), Grant Jerrett (halfsies?), Mitchell Watt (halfsies?)

Objective, scientific definitions firmly in hand, let’s begin.

100-91. Whitest Kids U’Don’t Know

100. Cameron Bairstow
99. Mike Muscala
98. Shavlik Randolph
97. Travis Wear
96. Jeff Withey
95. Zoran Dragic
94. Hedo Turkoglu
93. Joel Freeland
92. Mitch McGary
91. Cole Aldrich

SUIT: What a list.
NUT:
I’m so sorry you just read those names.
SUIT: We’re each going to pick the whitest guy out of every group of ten, and here I’m taking Mitch McGary. The video below says it all.

SUIT: He jumps for the dunk after putting the ball between his legs. AFTER. It’s atrocious. Also, yes, he somersaults. Backwards. I don’t understand how a man can be so white in a span of 5 seconds. I wonder how long he spent preparing this dunk and how cool it looked in his head.

Like, super awesome.

NUT: Okay, that’s pretty white. My pick for whitest is Jeff Withey. I’m kind of fascinated with him actually. He blocks shots. He smiles. He seems genuinely down to earth. In this picture, he looks so excited this is probably his first career dunk.

“Holy shit I did it.”

NUT: Jeff’s pretty white y’all.
SUIT: Who?
NUT: Jeff Withey…oh no that was a totally reasonable question. Yeah, let’s move on.


90-81. (S)crappy

90. Ryan Kelly
89. Luke Babbitt
88. Aron Baynes
87. Nate Wolters
86. Landry Fields
85. Victor Claver
84. Jon Leuer
83. Jason Kapono
82. Nikola Mirotic
81. Jason Smith

SUIT: I know some of these names.
NUT:
 Oh my God I forgot about Landry Fields. Remember when he and Jeremy Lin used to shake hands?
SUIT: Career highlight right there.
NUT: So the question is: who is the whitest?
SUIT: As of last week, I had no idea who Nate Wolters was.

Probably a trainer??

UNTIL HE UNLEASHED THE WHITEST PLAY EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. This is the type of stuff r/NBA users dream of on the couch while watching Ballstreams. It’s one of those dumb plays us nerds think “wouldn’t it be funny if…” but then quickly dismiss BUT THEN HE ACTUALLY DID IT.

MAD PROPS, NATE. MAD PROPS. There’s a chance that this play came from the playbook of rampant white guy, Jason Kidd. But from the video, Jason looks shocked as well and takes quite a few steps onto the court. Either Nate out-whited one of the whitest guys ever, or Jason Kidd is possibly whiter than we imagined.
NUT: Hmm, maybe Andre Miller should have made these rankings too. But come on — the pick here is easy. R. Kelly baby. Let’s look at his advantages: R. Kelly 1) plays for the Lakers 2) pisses off Kobe, probably all the time 3) Google thinks I mean Ryan Kelley of Teen Wolf fame 4) I believe I can fly.

“Am I jumping or merely standing? Even I can’t tell.”

NUT: 5) his name is R. Kelly. Also, why didn’t you pick Jason Kapono and make more R&B jokes? Jason Kapo-no.
SUIT: You are ridiculous.

 

80-71. Locker Room Presences

80. Nick Calathes
79. Greg Stiemsma
78. Andrei Kirilenko
77. Meyers Leonard
76. Jonas Jerebko
75. Beno Udrih
74. Tyler Hansbrough
73. Louis Amundson
72. Bojan Bogdanovic
71. Kyle Singler

SUIT: I count one and a half shooters on this list.
NUT:
 Now we’re really getting to the good ones, but the whitest guy on this list is obvious.
SUIT: Fuck Tyler Hansbrough.

Mic drop.

NUT: Enough said. But look. Louis Amundson

This guy.

NUT: Always reminds me of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast…

THIS guy.

NUT: Every single time. And yes, it’s just the hair.
SUIT: We’re done here.

70-61. Gym Rats

70. Zaza Pachulia
69. Byron Mullens (come back soon)
68. Alexey Shved
67. Gal Mekel
66. Omri Casspi
65. Alex Len
64. Worse Zeller
63. Jimmer Fredette
62. Chris Kaman
61. Evan Fournier

SUIT: What a squad.
NUT:
 Not sure if these ten are any better than the last ten. It’s flattened out. But I already know who you’re gonna pick.
SUIT: 
He has disgusting facial hair. His nickname is BJ. He declared for the draft after one season of 8.8 PPG on 63.8% shooting at Ohio State. And Byron Mullens went full Bargnani in the NBA by becoming a “3-point specialist big man” shooting a career 32% from deep. This year, he declined his player option on the 76ers so that he wouldn’t be on a losing team and could test his “worth” in free agency. No one picked him up, and now he’s playing in China. That’s an incredibly white move to have that much unbridled confidence. Good on you, Byron. I’ll always remember that one week I had you on my fantasy team two years ago until I dropped you because you stopped shooting well.

“I’ll remember you too.”

NUT: We love Byron. But he’s got some stiff competition here: Chris Kaman is literally a caveman and I’m afraid of him. Here are three pictures I found in five seconds googling “Chris Kaman hunting.”

What

the

Oh my God don’t hurt me

NUT: Fact: Chris Kaman is the only NBA player living in the Fallout universe. Or possibly West Virginia. I can’t tell.
SUIT: You really love angry emails don’t you?
NUT: Welcome to ChodeLeague.com, where right now we’re ranking only the white players. Maybe.

60-51. Gritty/Shitty

60. Luis Scola
59. Luke Ridnour
58. Jason Kidd (if he laced up today)
57. Pero Antic
56. Stauskas?? STAUSKAS??!!
55. Steve Blake
54. Kosta Koufos
53. Mike Miller
52. Matthew Dellavedova
51. Donatas Motiejunas

SUIT: Hey, what do you think of this guy?
NUT:
 Stauskas?
SUIT: STAUSKAS?
NUT: STAUSKAS??!!
SUIT: I’d love to take Nik, but come on. Jason Kidd is highly ranked on this list for his playing ability (if he suited up after a bit of working out, he could certainly be a 3-pt specialist), but he was chosen as top-flight in white largely due to his coaching decisions. His first major coaching decision that put his whiteness on display was the decision to grow that atrocious beard. It’s like every white kid who grows a beard when they first get to college, no longer bound by a high school dress code prohibiting facial hair.

“I bet I’m the greatest player-coach of all time!!!”

SUIT: But then…

SUIT: Look, this is a silly, cheap, and dirty white play only the whitest of players would conjure up and actually decide to execute in a real game of professional basketball on national television. Who the hell drinks soda on the sideline anyway?
NUT: I too wanna see Stauskas prove himself to us before I give him the crown. In the meantime, I still have to go with an age-old standby. Steve Blake. Here he is in a photoshoot for his new team, the Portland Trailblazers.

“Hello I’m Steve.”

NUT: Now that I have entirely justified my selection I think my work here is done.

50-41. Glue Guys

50. Doug McDermott
49. Kelly Olynyk
48. Worse Plumlee
47. Andrea Bargnani
46. Stephen Adams
45. Matt Bonner
44. Steve Novak
43. Mike Dunleavy
42. Mirza Teletovic
41. Ersan Ilyasova 

SUIT: Real glue guys here, these players literally hold their teams together.
NUT:
 Look at all those power forwards on the board. But who’s the whitest??
SUIT: Steve Novak’s play is that of the quintessential old white guy in the gym: sits in the corner, waits for threes, makes threes, and looks like he has no business doing so. In addition to his playing style, the ferocity in which he does his championship belt celebration after making a three is incredibly white of him. Most players nonchalantly throw up the three-goggles or put guns in the holsters, but not Steve. Steve puts on the belt… WITH AUTHORITY.

Pictured: Authority.

SUIT: Intense celebrations are usually saved for thunderous dunks or huge rejections, but Steve recognizes that he’ll only be on the receiving end of those plays, so he busts out the belt after making open jumpers. The ultimate proof of Steve’s whiteness can be seen in any highlight reel of him playing. Count the number of non-threes made in this video:

NUT: I refuse to watch that video, but I bet it’s zero. Steve is pretty white. BUT my boy Matt Bonner is nicknamed The Sandwich Hunter, which means he’s already won. Look at the joy in this man’s eyes. Matt Bonner is not only living out his dreams — his dreams wish they could live out him. Oh, I need a picture to round out the resume?

Devastating.

NUT: There’s no way you could ever top that. He’s chilling in a cafe drinking milk.
 

40-31. Coaches on the Floor

40. Nick Collison
39. Shane Battier (if he played today)
38. Better Zeller
37. Jose Barea
36. Chris Andersen
35. Josh McRoberts
34. Timofey Mozgov
33. Chase Budinger
32. Kirk Hinrich
31. Steve Nash (RIP)

SUIT: We miss you Shane Battier and (probably) Steve Nash.
NUT:
 This is probably unrelated because I wrote this sentence before you wrote the previous one but we love you Steve Nash.
SUIT:
NUT: So, who’s the pick?
SUIT: Kirk Hinrich. It’s the goggles. That’s why I selected him. Those damn goggles. Now I understand that he wears them for protective reasons, but there has got to be a more attractive and less-ridiculous pair of goggles on the market.

One part Space Marine…actually that’s it. There are no other parts.

SUIT: It takes a true white guy to throw fashion to the wind and wear the ugliest pair of goggles ever known to man simply because they offer the best protection out of any other style. Hinrich wears these to protect his left eye, so I believe he should break onto the basketball fashion scene by rocking a rec-spec monocle on the court. Swag would immediately start exuding from every pore of his body.
NUT: I for one am glad not to share a universe with a swaggy Kirk Hinrich. But I’m still taking Bud the Based Chud. Maybe I’m fascinated with him because his pretend nickname rhymes and is fun to say. Maybe I like that every announcing team mentions his volleyball-playing past every time he jumps, a simple motor action that basketball players typically perform dozens of times in a game. Maybe he just looks really, really pale.

Scratch the “maybe”

NUT: What a bud.

30-21. Players Confirmed to Have Hearts

30. Nikola Pekovic
29. Jose Calderon
28. Better Plumlee
27. Jonas Valanciunas
26. Tiago Splitter
25. Danilo Gallinari
24. Robin Lopez
23. Marco Belinelli
22. Nikola Vucevic
21. Jeremy Lin (stop us)

SUIT: We’re getting to the quality players at this point.
NUT:
 A lot of international flavor on this squad, and Jeremy Lin. Speaking of which, I’d better speak of which.
SUIT: After you.
NUT: Jeremy Lin is a guy who 1) consistently sleeps on teammates’ couches 2) consistently punks his mom for the internet 3) consistently got underrated because of his race, to the point where a documentary and Time magazine cover happened when he turned out to be pretty good.

I think I’ve proved my case.

NUT: Spirit of the law, y’all. J. Lin is in.
SUIT: Fair enough. Similarly, Better Plumlee shocked the world when he was chosen by Coach K to join Team USA for the FIBA “Who Cares, America Will Win Every Game by 30” Cup.

“Grunt. Run. BALL. Top 12 player in the U.S. baby.”

SUIT: Now his name is out there (even though no one remembers his first name) and his whiteness is on full display. Aside from his boring play and his dull twitter, his parent’s name are Perky and Leslie. PERKY and LESLIE. Need I say more?
NUT: Please don’t. I’m tired of thinking about him.

20-11. FUNdamental

20. Spencer Hawes
19. Omer Asik
18. Marcin Gortat
17. J.J. Redick
16. Ricky Rubio
15. Andrew Bogut
14. Ryan Anderson
13. Kyle Korver
12. Gordon Hayward
11. Pau Gasol

SUIT: What a list.
NUT:
 Any of these guys could start on an NBA championship team. There are also some really white guys in this list.
SUIT: When we made the (arguably terrible) decision to make this list, I was adamant on finding an excuse to write about how much I love J.J. Redick. I was planning on doing so until Gordon Hayward created the unthinkable: the whitest tweet/blog post ever posted by an NBA player.
NUT: What?!
SUIT: In case you missed it, Gordon Hayward tricked people by tweeting he would beat LeBron in a 1-on-1 because he was “the best player in the league,” and then linked to a blog post where he revealed, at the end, that he meant the best at League of Legends.

No one could have seen this coming.

SUIT: I gotta hand it to him, it was hilarious and incredibly well done. I also gotta hand it to him, it was incredibly white. He didn’t just claim he could beat LeBron; it’s the fact that the entire thing was a big “GOTCHA! Just playin’…” setup where he probably did finger guns afterwords that made it so white. Classic white guy move, Gordon, you jokester.
NUT: Unreal. My pick for whitest? I’m taking Kyle Korver. First, he is from Iowa. Case closed, right? Not so fast — he is also genetically identical to Ashton Kutcher. Finally, he feels awkward about these comparisons all the time, remembering a party he attended where “people kept staring at me and I had to tell them that I wasn’t Ashton.”

“Don’t you ask me…Goddamit. Hi, I’m not Ashton Kutcher, I’m just his genetic clone.”

NUT: I like to imagine he is haunted wherever he goes by a slightly more handsome man who comes up to his nipples.

10-1. Cream of the Crop
(we look forward to your emails)

10. David Lee
9. Manu Ginobili
8. Chandler Parsons
7. Kawhi Leonard (come on now)
6. Brook Lopez
5. Goran Dragic
4. Marc Gasol
3. Tony Parker
2. Dirk Nowitzki
1. Kevin Love

SUIT: This is the one pick we discussed, and I think it might be fairly controversial.
NUT:
 This is a very special moment for Suit & Nut. I think we might be about to agree. But as always, I’ll let you go first.
SUIT: He puts a focus on defense, he never boasts, he never celebrates, he wears no accessories, and he has cornrows. Kawhi Leonard has all the makings of a white man in the NBA. He lived with his mom in a house that was close to the Spurs’ practice facility so he wouldn’t have long commutes, most of which he took in his Chevy Malibu before finally buying a Porsche (which he claims mostly sits in his garage). Kawhi is basically every NBA 2K MyPlayer white guys wish they could create: plays well, doesn’t talk a lot of smack, always says the right thing, and is incredibly respectful.

“Look ma, I’m getting paid to hold this basketball.”

NUT: But is he white? Let’s evaluate the arguments. Maybe he’s black: he’s the only active NBA player with cornrows. But MAYBE he’s white: he avoids smiling because his mom grounded him last season.

“…..”

NUT: Maybe he’s black: his dark complexion indicates a high amount of melanin in his skin. But MAYBE he’s white: he did not speak once in thirty minutes of daytime television appearances, and is probably shy.

“…………………………”

NUT: Yeah I think it’s conclusive, Kawhi Leonard is actually the whitest player in the NBA.
SUIT: I knew you’d come around.

So, what do you think? What did we get wrong, or right? Are we horrible people for even attempting this? Let us know y’all.

As always, we love you all.

–Suit & Nut

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