THE COMMISSIONER: Hey everyone, and come join us in reviewing Week 1 of Chode League. We’re playing around with the format, but for now Judge Mike will riff on some of his favorite moments, and then I’ll keep you posted on all the arbitration of the past week’s scores. Nice and minimal this time. Mike?
MIKE: Thanks Rick. First off, let’s talk about LeBron.
1. LeBron JAMES
- I hated LeBron when he was originally on the Cavs.
- I loved LeBron as the villain when he was on the Heat.
- I hated Cleveland more than LeBron when they got lucky with the totally not-rigged NBA Draft Lottery.
- I started to dislike LeBron more and more as he got way too into the whole homecoming thing, really trying to push that it was about him coming home and not him playing on the same basketball team as Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving.
After the following quote, I have jumped back on the LeBron hate train, and I’m buying first class tickets. This man actually uttered these words before the Cavs’ home opener against the Knicks.
“Don’t take this moment for granted. This is going to be one of the — this is one of the biggest sporting spectacles in the history of sports. And we’re a part of it. And it has a lot to do with me. I understand that. But I wouldn’t want to do it with no other guys besides y’all.”
As a Knicks fan, I was thrilled with the victory. Then I saw this quote afterwards AND BECAME ECSTATIC. We did it, Knicks fans. We became a part of history. No one will forget this moment. To quote a redditor, “Forget championships, we won the 2014-2015 Cavs home opener.” LeBron, you chode.
2. Josh SMITH
Josh Smith shoots the ball. A lot. Often from ill-advised locations. Kenneth Faried decided to take a jab at Smith after the Pistons by saying the Nuggets simply let Smith shoot because he “shot them out of the game.” Well things didn’t go over so Smoove-ly with Mr. Smith. He fired back a gloriously chodey quote about The Manimal.
“I don’t respond to nobody with dreadlocks who plays basketball,” Smith said, referring to Faried’s hairdo. “He’s a clown, quote me on that.”
Rather than insult the man’s game or his relative inexperience in the league, Smith decided to call out a FIBA champion for his hairstyle. And that, my friends, is the chodiest route to take.
3. Dirk NOWITZKI
Chandler Parsons is making a lot of money. He probably shouldn’t be making that much money, but Cuban loves to dick around with Morey too much, so he had to throw a little extra cash to acquire the most beautiful man in the NBA. Where did that money come from? It came from Dirk’s contract, and he’s well aware. That’s why Dirk has decided to spend the entire year being sassy towards Parsons and the world is a better place for it. Dirk unleash two gems this week about Parsons. First we have this glorious statement:
“I told [Parsons] every dinner on the road is on him this year, because it’s my money anyways.”
I mean, you can’t argue with that logic.
Secondly, a reporter after a game asks Dirk to “talk about Chandler,” referring to Parsons. Dirk begins to talk about Tyson Chandler. The reporter says, “The other Chandler,” and Dirk replies,
“Oh, you mean that one.”
That one. THAT ONE. So much sass in two words, I don’t know how Dirk does it, but I’m really excited for an entire season of sassy.
THE COMMISSIONER: Great job as always, Mike. Now I’d like to present the results of some intense deliberation: the Week 1 Arbitration! Your scores have already been updated, based on whether you started your chodes or not.
1) Amar’e Stoudemire +100
2) Cleanthony Early +100
3) Matt Bonner +100
4) Matt Barnes +100
5) Ronnie Price +100
Nene +20 [altercation]
DeJuan Blair +20 [altercation]
Daniel Orton +20 [altercation]
Xavier Silas +20 [altercation]
Greg Monroe +40 [driving while visibly impaired] (2/2 served)
P.J. Tucker +60 [DWI] (3/3 served)
J.J. Hickson +80 [drug policy] (4/5 served)
Joakim Noah +15 [altercation]
Paul Pierce +15 [altercation]
Toronto +25 [Drake fine]
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks everyone, and have a great Week 2.