THE COMMISSIONER: Hey guys, and welcome to our Week 2 recap. We’re really SUPER EXCITED to bring you the first-ever CHODCAST next week. I’m working behind the scenes to try to figure out logistics right now. But in the meantime, we’re keeping it all text, all the time. Mike?
MIKE: Thanks Rick. Let’s get it.
1. The Round Mound of Rebound and Ed DAVIS
The Round Mound of Rebound (the only name by which I will use to refer to Sir Charles Barkley) executed one of the chodiest moves in broadcasting history by saying he would fast until the Lakers won a game of basketball. The Round Mound of Rebound took a huge risk because the Lakers are exceptionally bad at winning basketball games. Fortunately for The Round Mound of Rebound, the Lakers won the next day, which sparked the following chodey tweet from Ed “Wait, he isn’t on the Raptors anymore?” Davis.
“Chuck, your fat a$$ can eat now.” -@eddavis32
2. Kendrick “Lamar” PERKINS
Kendrick Perkins has decided to return to being good at basketball, which is good because the Thunder seem to be affected by the evil voodoo of bitter Seattlites (Seattlians? Seattlers?). The fans in OKC have decided to show Perk some love, but he may have overestimated the vibes when he spewed the following quote:
“It felt good. I thought I heard a couple MVP chants.”
The reporter then informed him that there were no MVP chants. Kendrick then replied.
“Yeah, neither did I. Just in my head.”
Never change, Perk. Can’t wait to see you on Shaqtin every week.
3. Allen IVERSON
This one is short and sweet. There is absolutely nothing left to add.
“I would never want to coach, and I’ll tell you why. We would never practice.”
GOLD. FUCKING GOLD. ALL RESPECT FOR AI HAS BEEN MULTIPLIED BY 69. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF CHODERY. ARE WE TALKIN ABOUT PRACTICE? NO, DAMMIT, WE ARE NOT.
THE COMMISSIONER: Mike, you’re the best, we’ll see you soon. Let’s get on to the scoring adjustments for Week 2, with a bit of Shaqtin commentary.
1) Jusuf NURKIC +100
In a play straight from the middle schools of Bosnia, Zach Lowe’s favorite rebounder JUSUF NURKIC manages to punch the ball six times in a row as he trips, falls out of bounds, and travels for the ten most excruciating minutes of his life. Kenny Smith says it best: WHARYOUDOON???!
2) DeMarcus COUSINS, Kenneth FARIED, Rudy GAY +100
Next, Shaq presents a balletic work of performance art. There may be three players and two teams, but in the end there is only one common goal: fucking lying to the refs. Beautiful.
3) Kobe BRYANT, Ed DAVIS, Jordan HILL, Wesley JOHNSON, Jeremy LIN +100
In this play, the Los Angeles Lakers starting five tries to convince Blake Griffin to just chill out and meditate with them at the free throw line, but Blake goes against the grain and dunks the ball during a live game. WHAT ARE YOU DOING BLAKE? Aren’t dunks illegal?? Be cool yo.
4) Blake GRIFFIN +100
Blake definitely had this one coming after the last play. Here, 2k experiences a bit of animation stutter as Blake Griffin’s midrange shot tendency is baaarely triggered by the sagging defense. I am told that this issue has since been patched, so enjoy this glitch while you can.
5) Larry SANDERS +100
Finally, Larry Sanders brings the crowd to its knees with a tear-jerking bit of on-court protest. At any time, he reminds his teammates, he might go rogue and begin working against them. It is only because of his ultimate selflessness and the pull of shared goals that Larry Sanders, moment by moment, continually agrees to help the Milwaukee Bucks play basketball.
J.J. HICKSON +20 drug policy (5/5 served)
Darrell ARTHUR +20 mean shove
J.R. SMITH +20 nut punch
Kevin MARTIN +15 big nuts
Tony ALLEN +15 camera strike
THE COMMISSONER: Thanks for tuning in everybody. And boy, are we excited for next week’s inaugural chodcast. Come see us then.