The following is a lightly edited text exchange between Suit & Nut.
SUIT: Have you seen the atrocious Christmas jerseys?
NUT: They can’t be worse than last year.
SUIT: Oh you wait and see.
NUT: Last year was awful. They went, “Oh the Heat are red. Let’s make their jersey 100% red. The Thunder are blue. 100% blue.” And it looked like Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots.
SUIT: No, that was two years ago. Last year was Sleevegate 2013. They looked like warmup shirts, but they actually weren’t terrible. They just didn’t look like jerseys. It was like watching a summer league game or something. I recall the Rockets jerseys looked like pajamas.
NUT: I’m more okay with sleeves than most people – most players shoot wearing long-sleeve warmups – but anyway, show me these new jerseys.
SUIT: This reeks of Suit & Nut.
NUT: What about this says Christmas?
SUIT: I think it represents getting a shitty gift.
NUT: And now Kobe’s jersey just says L on it because it’s cool yo.
SUIT: L is for last place.
NUT: “L 24 Kobe”
SUIT: They’ll have 24 losses by Christmas.
NUT: Ouch. Also, this first name business is super casual. Go 30 Stephen, go!
SUIT: But then you have “James” for Harden and it looks like LeBron got traded.
NUT: It’s in a weird closed captioning box too.
SUIT: Well that’s to prep for adding advertisements.
NUT: 2 John is vaguely Biblical.
NUT: Is there not a team where two guys have the same first name? Because then you would have a Thing 1 and Thing 2 situation going.
SUIT: This is why they should have stuck with nicknames. Splash Brother #1 and Splash Brother #2 would be amazing.
NUT: Even better because Steph plays the 1 and Klay is at the 2 spot. What a wasted opportunity.
NUT: But wait…“Splash Bro #1, Number 30.” “Splash Bro #2, Number 11.” I can see it now.
SUIT: Haha. The absolute chodiest thing is that they have Nets, Celts, Blazers, and Rockets jerseys, but they aren’t playing on Christmas.
NUT: What. How
SUIT: Cavs v. Heat. Lakers v. Bulls. Clips v. GSW. Wizards v. Knicks. Spurs v. OKC.
SUIT: That’s it.
NUT: How are these Christmas Jerseys then???
SUIT: Because you can’t live in a world without a shitty “Deron” Nets jersey.
NUT: I guess I deserved this all along.
SUIT: Side note. The Bucks should get good at basketball, then play on Christmas, and then get Christmas jerseys where the names on the back are the reindeer. They already have red and green, and they already are the Bucks, so effectively reindeer.
NUT: Keep going. I believe.
SUIT: JASON KIDD WEARS A SANTA OUTFIT. JABARI IS RUDOLPH. HE WEARS THE RED NOSE YOU GET FORCED TO WEAR IN 2K MYPLAYER.
NUT: The only Christmas jersey I acknowledge is the Milwaukee Bucks.
SUIT: Why hasn’t the NBA hired us yet?
NUT: We are just too awesome.