THE COMMISSIONER: Hey everyone.
THE COMMISSIONER: Big changes afoot everybody. Here’s what we have for you today.
1) The first-ever CHODCAST
2) Mike’s Quotes
Let’s get going!
First up, here’s our first-ever CHODCAST. Do you like Doris Burke? Or Stan Van Gundy’s hands? If so, you’ll probably love hearing us talk about them.
That’s right, watch it, you love us.
THE COMMISSIONER: Alright Mike, what quotes do you have for us today?
MIKE: I’m glad you asked.
1. Joakim “Not Joking” Noah
The Sixers are really bad at basketball. We’re well aware of how terrible they are, but none of us could have phrased our collective disgust for their terribly beautiful tanking scheme better than Joakim Noah did this week. Pau Gasol was watching the Raptors-Sixers game on the plane to scout the teams they would soon be playing. Noah was impressed with Pau’s dedication because…
“I wouldn’t watch that shit.”
– Joakim Noah
I wouldn’t either Joakim, but you know what I would watch? You holding your follow-through to simultaneously insult yourself and the opponent’s defense for allowing you to make a shot.
2. Kobe “I can’t believe I’ve missed Swaggy P” Bryant
The Lakers are really bad at basketball. We’re well aware of how terrible they are, but none of us could have phrased our collective disgust for their terrible play better than Kobe Bryant did this week. Kobe has been shooting a lot, mostly out of necessity. The media decided to give him a hard time for carrying his pathetic excuse of a team and he responded beautifully by saying the following regarding taking 34 shots in one game:
“I’d rather not have to do that, but you can’t sit back and watch crime happen in front of you.”
– Kobe Bryant
Dear other Lakers players, might I recommend http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States
3. Kevin “What’s defense?” Love and Kyrie “What’s an assist?” Irving
The Cavaliers are really bad at basketball. We’re well aware of… okay fine I had to break the formula for this one because the Cavs are apparently only bad when they play crappy teams (losses to the Jazz, Nuggets, and my beloved Knicks? Ouch…). However, they decided to win a game last week and Kyrie and Kevin celebrated with a totally-not-smoking-weed-we-promise-for-real-we-mean-it-please-love-us handshake. Here’s what the Cavs PR guy said about the handshake:
“They are sharpening the end of an imaginary mustache at the end [of their handshake].”
– The Oh-So-Clever Cavs PR
Oh right, because they both have mustaches and their mustaches happen to also be between their lips and they only happen to sharpen one side WHEN EVERYONE KNOWS YOU GOTTA SHARPEN BOTH TO LOOK DAPPER. It’s a creative excuse, but an incredibly chodey one.
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks Mike, always a good time. Let’s take a look at Shaqtin’ a Fool this week.
1) Iman SHUMPERT +100
Nuts! Nuts! Balls! NUTS! CYMBALS! CRASH!!
He hit him in the balls. Good joke Shaq.
2) Jeff TEAGUE +100
A fascinating play, as Jeff Teague finds himself in the open court and suddenly forgets how to run. I admit, I drank a lot when I lived in Atlanta too.
3) Dwight HOWARD +100
The exhibitiion game in Mexico was seriously entertaining. But here, showing respect for foreign laws, Dwight Howard holds back in a country where dunking is still illegal.
4) Corey BREWER +100
Corey Brewer will never be compared to Scottie Pippen again, but here he is passing it to the open ref. It’s nice of him to recreate history, now in higher definition.
5) Brandon KNIGHT +100
And finally, RoboKnight is beset by the parable of Buridan’s Ass. Maybe Brandon is not “the future of law enforcement” that Detroit so desperately needs. RoboCop is a great movie.
Ronnie PRICE: (mean flagrant) +20
Thanks for reading again everyone, and we’ll see you soon.