MIKE: Happy Thanksgiving everybody
THE COMMISSIONER: While Chode League would like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving we also wish to emphasize that genocide is wrong. Week 4 everybody, let’s do this. And I honestly think this might be the most exciting Week in Review yet.
THE COMMISSIONER: FIRST OFF, yes we have another Chodcast for you because we know you love us. Here we talk about the highs and lows of NBA fantagonism, how to time your naps, as well as how media perceptions of players are shaped and molded over time. It’s incredibly deep and insightful — but mostly it’s retarded and bombastic and that’s even better.
THE COMMISSIONER: Mike, might it be time for some chodey quotes?
1. Mark “-y Mark” Cuban
You can’t help but love Maky Mark: an owner that is a passionate fan of his team, isn’t afraid to spend money on players, and actually knows what he’s doing. What more could you ask for? Oh that’s right, CHODEY QUOTES. Good thing he busts them out like a max contract in a club. Marky Mark was asked about the Lakers’ struggles and he had the following to say about the issue:
“Personally, I just hope they suck forever.”
Now you could say this is chodey due to its lack of sportsmanship, but I think it makes sense for an owner to want opposing teams to do poorly. What makes this truly chodey is that the Lakers and Mavs are not rivals. They are not in the same division. They have not played each other often in many crucial or dramatic playoffs series. Mark just wants the Lakers to suck because they’re the Lakers, and that my friends, is pretty chodey.
2. Swaggy P “Nick” Young
I missed the swag, you missed the swag, we all missed the swag. BUT NOW THE SWAGGER IS BACK AND IN FULL EFFECT. First name, “Nick” wasted no time running his mouth in his first week back from an injury, and delivered two gems of chodery. Our first quote comes during a postgame interview after the Lakers won in Swaggy’s debut this season. Mr. P had the following comment regarding his team’s performance:
“It’s like my swag just rubbed off on everybody.”
It really is, Swaggy, it really is. Even Kobe had to begrudgingly acknowledge that having “Nick” back on the team made a true difference. What a time to watch the Lakers play basketball.
Later this week, Swaggy P was asked to name the top five 3-pt shooters of all time. Here’s his list:
“1. Himself 2. Ray Allen 3. Reggie Miller 4. Either Steph Curry or Klay Thompson 5. Larry Bird”
Aside from him being number one, this list isn’t completely outlandish, except for his selection at number four. Either Steph or Klay, but one is in the top 5 and the other isn’t. This would’ve made sense if they were chosen for #5, but that’s not how Swaggy rolls. One of you is number four, and the other can go the fuck home.
3. Kobe “Mamba #5” Bryant
We are all aware of how Kobe is playing this year, so let’s not beat a dead horse. However, we cannot ignore the fact that he tosses out chodey quotes almost every week. This week, during a fourth quarter timeout, Kobe tells his team what the game plan is to try and win the game. It’s quite elaborate.
“Get the fuck out of the way”
There you go, Kobe. A true team player. Bonus points to Swaggy P for the “o rly?” look he gives him in this clip.
THE COMMISSIONER: Mike, as always, you’ve done a terrific job. NEXT UP, it’s time for us to team up and assign the first-ever LEAGUE CURSE VIDEO. Remember everybody, anything could happen.
THE COMMISSIONER: And here are the remaining decisions for this week.
1) Lance STEPHENSON +100
Here LANCE shows why he may be the league’s most self-destructive rising star as he fervently slaps himself to keep awake on the defense end.
Get some sleep Lance!!
2) Serge IBAKA +100
NBA 2k still has some really dumb glitches after all these years. Here, a wide-open Serge Ibaka inexplicably finds himself with BOTH feet out of bounds.
They really need to patch these unrealistic issues that could never occur in real life. What a bunch of HACKS.
3) JaVale McGEE +100
WE LOVE YOU JAVALE MCGEE OH MY GOD welcome back THE PRODIGAL SON HAS RETURNED.
THEY CALL ME SLIM J-V
Anyway he missed the free throw WELCOME BACK JaVALE McGEE.
4) Nerlens NOEL +100
Here, NERLENS tries throwing a sick alley oop to the shot clock, but due to his poor aim this potentially rim-racking play was RUINED.
You gotta hit the shot clock on the money Nerlens.
5) Brandon KNIGHT +100
Finally, one of our favorite chodes extends an olive branch in the budding Brooklyn-Milwaukee beef, by GRACIOUSLY PERMITTING an inferior Brooklyn team to save some face at home and live to die another five minutes later.
Raymond FELTON +80 [unlicensed gun] (4/4 served)
Jeff TAYLOR +300 [domestic battery] (15/27 served)
P.J. TUCKER +20 [missing flight]
NOTE: The NBA suspended Jeff Taylor (Cha) for 24 games for his guilty plea to
misdemeanor domestic violence assault. Taylor has already missed 11 games
and will miss the next 13 games to complete the suspension.
BECAUSE he had been on paid leave until the NBA finally came down on him THIS WEEK,
we are retroactively punishing him for all past 11 games, as well as the additional
4 games this week. The Supreme Court has agreed that it would be chodiest to apply the entire penalty just for Week 4. This is the second-chodiest week by a single player ever, trailing only J.R. Smith’s “Shoe-gate” scandal during 2013-14. The NBA does not like domestic violence because unlike Roger Goodell, Adam Silver is willing to take principled stands.
I can’t wait for ESPN to suspend me three weeks for saying that.
Thanks for tuning in this week, and have a safe and happy Thanksgiving everyone.