WEEK 5 IN REVIEW

MIKE: Hey everyone!

THE COMMISSIONER: Hey guys. This week we’re keeping it nice and simple. Quotes. Scoring Adjustments. Let’s do this.

MIKE: Thanks, Rick. It was a dry week in terms of quotes, but it was not a dry week in terms of chodery. Thanks to the people at r/NBA that somehow make gifs of plays before they happen, we have some beautiful gif versions of chodiness that took place this past week. Let’s dive right in to chodey quotes of the week: GIF EDITION.

1. DeAndre “Michael” Jordan

“Am I the most complete player ever or WHAT?”

The game has ended. The Clippers have won. DeAndre has the ball as the buzzer sounds. He throws it over his back, no-look:

SWISH. DeAndre raises his hand in celebration, but no one saw the shot. Maybe it had to do with the fact that they just won the basketball game and were focused on that, but DJ wanted some love and got no recognition.

We love you DeAndre.

2. Jabari “My Favorite Board Game is Sorry” Parker

“Ahaha I’m SORRY 76ers”

KD is not nice (or so the ad campaign says). But Jabari  Parker is quite nice.

All that Jabar-Jar Binks wanted to do was congratulate the referee on not being Joey Crawford, but the ref was vehemently dedicated do letting the last .8 seconds run out. I guess it’s a professional move, but it looked beyond douchey.

Fortunately, Jabari Safari removed all tension by shaking his own outstretched hand, doing a nicer version of the LARRY SANDERS! thumbs-up diss to the refs. He then proceeds to shake his teammate’s hand (who awkwardly thought the first handshake offering was for him) and then the hand of Andrew Wiggins. I like to think Jabari Ferrari told Wiggins “Hey man, the Cavs would’ve been off to a better start with you on the team. You like playing defense.” [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: Apparently, any wordplay whatsoever counts as a Jabari Parker nickname. I approve.]

3. Andre “I was Iggy First” Iguodala

The Warriors are the first NBA team to sign a 2k virtual player.

The Warriors have begun singing “I’m in Love with the Coco” after winning games (MUST WATCH).

I believe this celebration shares the same sentiment.

The only thing better than his crazy eyes in this celebration is how quickly he reverts back to his normal face at the end. His defensive mindset kicked in saying “Hey! You’re one of the few guys in the NBA that tries on defense. You should go do that thing now.”

It’s great because he looks like an NBA2K player once you get control of him after making a shot. Starts to the celebrate the three and then snaps into the running back on defense motion because “DAMMIT JR SMITH WE ARE DOWN 6 STOP SHOWBOATING AND GET BACK okay good the celebration animation is over.”

THE COMMISSIONER: Terrific as always, Mike. Let’s see what else is up around the league.

SHAQTIN:

Shaq is too busy eating this week.

SUSPENDED:

Jeff TAYLOR +80 [domestic battery] (19/27 games served)

CURSE:

Dallas MAVERICKS (1/4 weeks served)

THE COMMISSIONER: Hmmmmm well that’s awkward. COME BACK SHAQ, stop stuffing your face and take our minds off of domestic battery.

Anyway, thanks for hanging out with us everybody. See you next week. ❤

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