WEEK 6 IN REVIEW: Your Wish is My KAZAAM

THE COMMISSIONER: Even finals can’t keep us down forever.

MIKE: Even what?

THE COMMISSIONER: Oh, uh…never mind let’s do the Week in Review.

MIKE: Thanks Rick.

1. Fuck “Chris” Paul ft. Blake “Kia Spokesman is My Main Gig and Hoopin is My Side Job” Griffin

“Haha you know us, always dunking, pretending to dunk, or standing around.”

In a postgame interview of some game where C3PO had a triple double of 13 flops, 11 arguments with the refs, and 10 pouty faces, Cliff’s brother spoke about his team’s strategy. He misspoke a bit, which allowed for BG32 (just rolls off the tongue) to become A COMEDIC GENIUS WITH A SINGLE FACIAL EXPRESSION.

“When we’re at our best, we try to let our dic- uh, our defense dictate our offense.”

Blake made a big funny face when “Chris” misspoke and said what sounded like a naughty word, but he was two seconds too late which made it less funny, more awkward, and significantly more chodey for the both of them. Blake further elevated the chodiness by asking “Next question?” while the less important of the Paul twins laughed.

[COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: We don’t like Chris Paul.]

2. Kobe “Hasn’t Had a Good Coach Since Phil” Bryant

“meh”

A reporter asked Kobe about his thoughts of eventually passing Michael Jordan’s scoring record and the possibility of catching Kareem’s. Kobe, whose middle name is legitimately Bean, uttered the most blatant lie anyone has ever said in the history of the world.

“I don’t even care.”

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL that’s like Big Baby saying he doesn’t care what’s on the postgame menu. That’s like KD saying he doesn’t fear the Based God and his curse. That’s like the Rockets saying they don’t have the worst jerseys in the entirety of the NBA. C’mon Kobe, we know you know, and you know we know you know, so just let us know that you know so we know you know, ya know?

3. Paul “The Truth is Brooklyn Sucks” Pierce

“I gotta tweet about this on my iPhone 1, hold on.”

For some reason, Nike decided to market a “KD IS NOT NICE” campaign for Kevin “I’m Actually Really Nice” Durant. But Paul Pierce is legitimately not a nice human being, and he proved that this week by unleashing the most creative way of saying “Fuck Ray Allen.”

(Okay, second-most)

“Me, KG, Big Baby, Perk, and Rondo all have a group text.”

The fact that Big Baby and Perk are on the group text is the most significant aspect of the burn. Does Kendrick Perkins even know how to operate a phone? He seems like the kind of guy who has a flip phone because “what else do I need to do besides call and text?” There’s also the possibility that PP (hehe) is also saying he doesn’t like Doc either, but would you really want a coach on a group text? I am of the belief this statement is 100% targeted at Ray “lol what if I just join the Warriors?” Allen and I sincerely hope these two face-off in the playoffs.

THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks, Mike. Alright everybody, you know what time it is. WELCOME BACK SHAQ.

“That’s right, ACTIN A FOOL. Sing me in Kenny.”

Watch the Week 6 Shaqtin’ here.

1. James HARDEN +100

Real-life James Harden has been making more of an effort on defense and is emerging as a legit MVP candidate. Unfortunately, the 2k devs wanted to apologize to Commissioner Silver for the “rare lockup issue” that apparently affected Harden against the Knicks.

“Really, a Rockets-Knicks game should put just about anyone to sleep,” said Ronnie2k, “but on behalf of the NBA 2k franchise, I’d still like to apologize to the NBA for this unusual technical blip. Even when a player fails a defensive awareness check, this should never result in House of Wax-style paralysis.” Thanks Ronnie, and we hope James gets better soon.

2. Kobe BRYANT +100

“Snake bit”

–Kenny “Haven’t I won like five Emmys” Smith

Desperate for a win, Kobe Bryant really digs in and — you know what, we’re gonna leave this one alone too, Kenny. Even Chode League has standards.

3. Pau GASOL +100

Pau Gasol has been quoted as saying that JaVale McGee was actually his inspiration for coming to play in the NBA. Here, he pulls out a sick step-by-step reinterpretation of one of his idol’s signature moves, before falling gently onto a crowd of cameraman. For a big man he has such soft touch, way to go Pau.

4. Nick JOHNSON +100

The Rockets’ rookie is making a big splash for good reason, but here’s his throwback to a slightly less athletic play by J.J. Redick!

By the way, here’s the full video description:

Uploaded on Oct 5, 2008

this video prooves that J.J. Redick is a Nba bust. he airballs a lay-up

people please subscribe to me and post comments.

–mohammadnouri3

Thanks Mohammad, but even Chode League has standards.

If I’m reading the tea leaves correctly, it looks like Nick Johnson’s floor is J.J. Redick. I guess that’s fine. At least Nick got a bit of rim, does that make him Carmelo yet?

5. JaVale McGEE +100

HE’S REALLY BACK BABY! CHECK OUT HIS PLAY-BY-PLAY:

8:05, JaVale McGee collects defensive rebound for PELICANS

8:03, JaVale McGee commits kissing foul

Kenny’s right, even when his plays are pretty normal, Shaq is always amused. And that’s what makes Shaqtin’ a Fool so chodey.

A couple more adjustments and we’ll be good to go.

FINED:

Kyle O’Quinn +15 [flagrant foul on Blake Griffin]

SUSPENDED:

Jeff TAYLOR +40 [domestic battery] (21/27 games served)

CURSE:

Dallas MAVERICKS +100 (2/4 weeks served)

THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks for hanging with us everybody. Good luck with fina…I mean good luck.

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