THE COMMISSIONER: Hope you’ve all had a Merry Christmas.
MIKE: Or Kwanzaa, or Hannukah, or…
THE COMMISSIONER: Hope you’ve all had a Merry Whatever, sorry I’m late to post this. I’ve been busy having a Merry Whatever myself. Let’s get started??
MIKE: Okay, but please don’t play the video from last year that
MIKE: …dammit Ricky. I’m doing quotes.
THE COMMISSIONER: (Thank you for being our professional half who gets things done on time.)
1. Tracy “DTD with Back Spasms” McGrady
After a failed stint with a minor league baseball team called the Sugarland Skeeters (that’s not a lie. I live near their stadium), T-BACK (spasms) has stated he would like to return to the NBA. He supported this decision with the following claim:
“I’m better than half the damn league anyway”
At getting injured? At not living up to your potential? At jumping ship to new teams? T-MAC, you’re delusional. But maybe you aren’t because you made fun of yourself in this Foot Locker ad? I am confused.
2. Kevin “Kevin” Durant
The NBA’s best Westbrook cockblock has gloriously returned to help OKC sneak into the playoffs and “upset” a top seed. However, the transition has not been the smoothest. Some of the players on the Not-Sonics think that they are good at basketball now, and haven’t been 100% defaulting to Kevin. In this play, Jeremy “lol, remember that time I was supposed to replace James Harden?” Lamb holds the ball for too long and decides not to pass it to Durant. KD grows angry and unleashes this quote:
“GIVE ME THE F***ING BALL”
After yelling at his non-bearded teammate, he takes out his frustration by pushing Matthew “bahaha I’m a starter on the Cavs” Dellavadova and almost knocking him over. Dellavadova, whose name sounds like he should be playing tennis, has an absolutely priceless reaction.
3. Evan “I am now the #1 offensive option in Boston” Turner
[COMMISIONER’S NOTE: I swear to God I hope Jeff Green punches him in the face before this becomes official.]
Newly elected franchise lynchpin Evan Turner made his highly anticipated [COMMISIONER’S NOTE: ?] return to Philly this week. Tension was palpable, ESPN wrote about it for weeks, and reddit had wonderful discussions about what drama would go down. To no one’s surprise, he was booed in Philly. When asked about getting booed, these words actually left his mouth:
“I don’t want to sound super weird, but Jesus was hated too.”
Evan Turner just compared himself to Jesus. EVAN TURNER. You can’t make this stuff up. Side note, any statement preceded by “I don’t want to sound super weird” is always going to be amazing. Always. Thank you, Evan. Thank you.
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks Mike. Let’s get right into Shaqtin’.
First off, Kevin Smith has never been less in-rhythm with the intro music.
1. Cory JEFFERSON +100
Here, Cory Jefferson throws a perfect alley-oop pass, and ALL FOUR of his teammates fail to run to the rim to dunk the basketball! Amazing! Is this Brooklyn team chodey or what?
In the end it all worked out, as now we’ve all heard of Cory Jefferson.
2. Austin RIVERS +100
A second-order chode, Austin Rivers is chodey at being chodey. You can’t even count on him to consistently do dumb shit, and I think this play might even be kinda smart. Anyway, Shaq starts laughing approximately three minutes before I had any idea what the hell was going on, because underpants.
I’m honestly more confused by Ryan Anderson screening three players at once, including Austin Rivers. Here’s why I think Austin Rivers is really being smart: If I’m being screened by my own teammate, the least I can do is immobilize one of my opponents.
AND here’s why it doesn’t matter: Shaq’s word is law. Stop being a chode Austin Rivers!
3. Nikola MIROTIC +100
In this play, Nikola Mirotic falls down, tricking Kemba Walker into shooting a three pointer. Unfortunately, even Kemba can nail threes when he’s open, and before you know it Shaq is intentionally mispronouncing your name on national TV. This show is the best.
4. Kyle O’QUINN +100
In one of the best cut-to-the-coach moments ever, Jacque Vaughn attempts to psychically rip Kyle O’Quinn limb from limb after this horrible turnover. This play makes me sad that I can never experience that level of failure in NBA 2k — or for that matter, in real life either.
5. JaVale McGEE +100
Finally, Shaq’s secret bastard son JaVale Snow makes yet another “surprise” appearance as the fifth clip, prompting groans from the entire TNT crew. But this week, JaVale’s appearance is actually well-deserved. Here he simultaneously loses control of his eyes, legs, and balance while performing an incredibly intimidating haka dance in the middle of the game, over the body of a live opponent. I don’t know who gets to drive JaVale’s body during NBA games but I am incredibly jealous. JaVale is the reason for Chode League, and we’re SO glad to see him back and doing dumb shit in the best basketball league on earth.
Oh my God I love Shaqtin’ a Fool. Let’s wrap this week up.
Enes KANTER +25 [mouthpiece]
Matt BARNES +25 [water bottle]
Jeff TAYLOR +60 [domestic battery] (24/27 games served)
Dallas MAVERICKS +100 (3/4 weeks served)