THE COMMISSIONER: Hey everybody, and welcome back.
MIKE: You’re the only one that was gone, Commish.
THE COMMISSIONER: Oh, whoops. Hey everybody, and sorry you abandoned me.
MIKE: Ugh I’m doing quotes.
1. Reggie “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Miller
I hate Reggie Miller, you hate Reggie Miller, we all hate Reggie Miller. Even if you didn’t hate the inventor of the flop while he was a player, you’re a damn liar if you claim not to hate his broadcasting. He’s one of those guys that claims the NBA isn’t as good as it used to be solely because he isn’t in it anymore. He also only ever says “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” for any above-average play and “___ TURNING BACK THE CLOCK!” for any player that happened to be in the league at some point during his “glory days.” This week, he said another stupid quote that is astoundingly hyperbolic.
“Michael Jordan on his worst day is ten times better than Kobe Bryant on his best day, and that is not short-changing Kobe Bryant.”
We get it Reggie, Michael Jordan is the greatest, but ten times better on his worst day? To use your catchphrase, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I agree with you that Michael is without a doubt a step above Kobe, but not this significant of a step by any means. You could say Kobe’s best day was his 81 point game, and there exist games where MJ scored 8 points or less, otherwise he’d have the greatest double-figure scoring streak ever. Might wanna check your nose Reg, you’ve got some brown on it.
2. Jamal “Please Vote Me Into the All-Star Game” Crawford
The perpetual 6th Man of the Year candidate has never made an All-Star game, and I really doubt he’s making one any time soon. Jamal has come to this realization as well, and appealed to his greatest strength, the occasional highlight reel crossover, as a plea to get voted into the ASG.
“If I ever made an All-Star game, I have a bunch of moves I’ve never pulled out that I’m saving just for that game.”
Jamal, you host a summer league every offseason where you bust out awesome moves regularly. Is there really some special moves you’ve been saving for the ASG when you play AS A GUARD IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE? When guys like Eric Bledsoe are getting snubbed, I don’t think you’ll be in there, and no promise of special moves will motivate fans to remember you exist. So maybe bust them out on the court instead?
3. Rajon “Franklin the Turtle” Rondo
This chodey quote session has been far too negative and I’m getting angry, so let’s lighten the mood with something that made me laugh quite a bit. In his first postgame interview after joining the Mavs, Rajon Rondo was asked arguably the dumbest question of the year in the FIRST QUESTION OF THE INTERVIEW: “Rajon, what was the main reason you decided to come to Dallas?” Westbrook’s rival for best turtle in the NBA responded in the greatest way possible after leaning in and giving a dramatic pause:
“Well… it wasn’t my decision.”
[COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: This exchange has been EDITED OUT of all official videos of the introductory press conference, with an obvious jumpcut and even more awkward rephrase.]
Beautiful. Impeccable. Cuban and Carlisle both chuckling also adds some bonus chode points to this one. Thank you Rajon, you have made this week of quotes much more enjoyable.
THE COMMISSIONER: And thank you, Mike. Let’s move smoothly into the SHAQTIN’ everybody!
1. Tyson CHANDLER +100
I LOVE SHOE CHODES! Remember last year when J.R. Smith set a record with almost 400 chode points in one week by continually untying people’s shoes? We’ve even gotten a couple plays where someone throws an opponent’s shoes out of bounds, and just recently Marc Gasol used a shoe to slap the ball out of Derrick Favor’s hands and was promptly called for a foul.
Tyson Chandler pays tribute to this long line of shoe chodiness with a never-seen-before move: the shoe block. This play is so chodey it’s genius, and Tyson shows himself as a worthy Heir Jordan. God bless you Tyson Chandler, I’m so glad you’re not on the Knicks right now.
2. Damjan RUDEZ +100
Besides having a kick-ass name, Damjan makes some kick-ass decisions, like trying to shot fake two players from the three point line, deliberately taking one dribble to accept the full double team, and then stumbling a weird pass directly backwards to Roy Hibbert, who is oddly enough still in the backcourt with 19 seconds left on the shot clock, after Scola had just grabbed an offensive rebound. Actually, what the fuck??? I’m with Kenny on this one, this is a DOUBLE SHAQTIN.
2. Roy HIBBERT +100
3. Marcin GORTAT +100
Ugh, these European players just don’t know how to play the game with a reckless and career-shortening disregard for their physical health.
SHOW HIM HOW IT’S DONE SHAQ! There are SO many plays of Shaq diving wildly for balls and accidentally killing mere human beings, and they’re always fantastic. Marcin may not have gotten the ball, but he did give Shaq a great laugh.
4. Steeeeeve BLAKE +100
Many of you may know that Steve is one of my favorite NBA players, because he always looks a bit out of place, especially when he’s trying to squeeze between two defenders and throw up a wild sidewinder from 20 feet out. Even Coach Terry Stotts has to laugh. This is a classic instance of a very one-dimensional player attempting a five-dimensional play.
Best of all, Steve Blake adopts his classic hands-on-the-head regret pose moments later. We love you, Steve. You really are the league’s best white point guard with your first name as of this moment.
5. Mike CONLEY +100
5. Luol DENG +100
5. Corey BREWER +100
Even though they’re more work for me, I LOVE these montages Shaq pulls out every once in a while. Some systemic choding going on y’all.
Despite what people say, defining exactly when your allowed two steps begin is actually a very difficult, subjective art. Still, these non-calls are clear catastrophes. Congrats to all three of these players for somehow scoring against not only the defense, but also the referees and written rules of NBA basketball. Talk about degree of difficulty.
Let’s wrap Week 8 up.
Larry SANDERS +20 [back push]
Jeff TAYLOR +60 [domestic battery] (27/27 games served)
Dallas MAVERICKS +100 (4/4 weeks served)
Yes that’s right, not only is Jeff Taylor finally back, but WE NEED TO CURSE A NEW FRANCHISE!