THE COMMISSIONER: Hey everyone, we’re still going strong.
MIKE: Chode League is coming up in the world.
THE COMMISSIONER: Let’s get right to it, quotes?
MIKE: Let’s go.
1. Kobe “I Hit a Game-Winner, Now Shut Up” Bryant
Kobe Bryant has been under a lot of scrutiny this season for his inefficient play. Though it is warranted, the man is still playing for a team that starts Carlos Boozer and is coached by Byron Scott. You can’t really blame Kobe for being frustrated and playing selfishly. The negative opinion towards Kobe is building, and apparently this one Mavs fan in particular thought it would be a good idea to heckle the man whose nickname IS THAT OF A DEADLY SNAKE. We don’t know what the fan says, but it doesn’t matter because Kobe’s reply works for literally any heckle that might have been thrown his way:
“*Counts to 5 on his fingers* *raises eyebrows* *nods head*”
This is all that needed to be done. This is all that should have been done. [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: My research shows that the trash-talking fan has played for 0 NBA championship teams in his career, which is 5 less than Kobe.] The world is a better place because this happened.
2. Brian “Literally Jesus” Scalabrine
Now that his days of dominating the NBA on the court are over, The Greater Mamba has taken his talents to Boston as a GOAT commentator. While broadcasting a Celtics vs Heat game in which Miami was up 12, Scal’s partner asked him why the crowd was so quiet given the circumstances. The greatest Chicago Bull that ever lived replied with tons of chodery:
“All their fans are probably wondering where LeBron is.”
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh it’s so true. But it’s cool because LeBron is going back to Miami after this season, right? Right?!
3. Spencer “Am I Even Playing Basketball This Season?” Hawes
People say a picture is worth a thousand words and that the suit makes the man. Well here is a picture of a man in a suit that is worth the word “chode” written 1,000 times.
I have mad respect for Spencer Hawes, who is still rumored to be on an NBA roster, for busting this suit out. I think it’s fantastic and honestly much better than what Russ wears on non-holidays. Maybe if Hawes could return to being good at basketball, people wouldn’t hate his attire so much…
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks Mike, but you know, it wouldn’t be a Week in Review without Shaq punking several unsuspecting players.
1. Marc GASOL +100
There are so many great over-the-backboard shots in NBA history.
And then there’s Marc Gasol. What a shitty player.
2. O.J. MAYO +100
How about some beautiful sweeping layups?
Obviously O.J. Mayo sucks.
3. Dennis SCHROEDER +100
Memorable rebounds anyone?
(LOL, sorry Spurs fans.)
4. Dion WAITERS +100
Dion Waiters is just an idiot.
5. Brandon JENNINGS +100
And now the Pistons are tearing it up. The NBA is amazing.
Let’s wrap this up.
Samuel DALEMBERT +15 [elbow]
John WALL +15 [altercation]
Quincy Acy +20 [altercation]
Brooklyn NETS +100 (1/4 weeks served)
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks for tuning in, y’all. See you tomorrow.