MIKE: We’re so close to being caught up.
THE COMMISSIONER: That’s right, Mike, and this one should be nice and quick, too. Ready?
MIKE: Of course.
1. LeBron “Can I Be a Player Owner Too?” James
Bosley hair model LeBron James uses the media very well to get what he wants and voice his opinions. On Christmas, he made a very calculated move that he tried to cover up immediately after, and the whole damn thing is riddled with chodiness. During their Christmas defeat to the Heat (which was more impressive before they lost to the Sixers and Pistons), the Cavs’ one-man front office hugged Dwyane Wade and uttered the following quote:
“Like I said, if we aren’t better this year, we’re gonna re-unite again and do some bigger and better things, alright?”
I’m going to agree with Bill, Jalen, and Jacoby on this one, and say this was incredibly calculated to put pressure on the Cavs to fix the current situation. There’s no way LeBron actually leaves Cleveland again. It would be the chodiest move in the history of professional sports, but there is no way it would actually go down. What made this quote even chodier was LeBron’s attempted cover-up afterwards, in which he tried to claim bigger and better things meant something outside of basketball.
LIKE THERE IS ANYTHING IN LIFE MORE IMPORTANT THAN BASKETBALL. LeBron, we all know ball is life. Don’t try to convince us otherwise.
2. Goran “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SIGN WITH THE KNICKS NEXT YEAR” Dragic
This next quote is the case of international player saying something that he did not mean to be an incredible diss, but turned out to be an incredible diss. Zoran’s brother was asked who is the hardest and who is the easiest player to finish over in the NBA. The better half of Double Dragon said Dwight was the hardest due to his size and athleticism, and his answer for easiest player to finish over is dripping with chodery:
“Roy Hibbert is the easiest [to finish over] for me. Everyone says he’s a great defender, but he doesn’t jump very high.”
The best part about this quote is that I imagine him saying this completely deadpan simply by trying to give the most accurate answer. Not in a mean way, not because him and Roy have beef, but instead just stating the facts and phrasing them in an amazing way.
3. Russell “TMNT” Westbrook
Rondo’s rival for best turtle in the league was given two techs and thus ejected during the second quarter of a game against the Suns this past week. It was pretty garbage, especially given the fact that the second tech was for simply looking in the direction of the Suns bench and sticking out his tongue after an awesome and-1.
After the game, reporters tried to rile up some great quotes from Brodie, but they failed miserably. Russ went full Marshawn Lynch and only responded with “Great win for us.” when they asked questions about him, the ejection, and the like. This may seem incredibly chodey at first, but it was actually ridiculously smart at the same time. What made it smart was that he actually gave real answers when they asked him questions about his team and teammates performances. However, when the reporters tried to milk a frustrated quote out of him, he refused to bite.
Russell has transcended into a new level of chodery we have never seen before, and we are all along for the ride.
THE COMMISSIONER: He’s become so dumb he’s coming around to the other side as genius. Thanks, Mike.
SHAQTIN A F
THE COMMISSIONER: Ugh I hate when this happens. Shaq actually took this week off, and no one was fined or suspended either. Everyone in the NBA got together for one week and just enjoyed the holidays. Unbelievable, right?
On the plus side, the Shaqtin for Week 11 is extra-long to make up for it.
So instead, I’m just gonna post a bunch of pictures of the weird way that Josh Smith holds his hands over his head when he’s frustrated so that you can copy it during your next pickup game.
Brooklyn NETS +100 (2/4 weeks served)
THE COMMISSIONER: Get out of here, CLASS DISMISSED. Much love.