THE COMMISSIONER: Oh my God, we did it.
MIKE: We’re caught up.
THE COMMISSIONER: Now we can start putting more time into our Chode League vanity projects.
MIKE: More on that soon. For now, quotes?
THE COMMISSIONER: Go for it.
1. Kings Broadcasters
J.R. Smith is no longer a Knick, and though New York may miss his entertainment value, they do not miss plays such as this one which occurred last week. With the shot clock winding down, JR launched a three, almost identically replicating the shot from earlier in the season that prompted Jalen Rose to say “That shot gave the Jerry West logo a concussion.” Though this shot was incredibly chodey, JR’s chodiness was outdone by the Kings’ broadcasting team when they said the following in a completely deadpan and monotone voice:
It was beautiful. The broadcasters added insult to injury as the Kings were already up by 19 with 7:25 left in the 4th quarter. Let’s hope Vivek doesn’t fire them as well.
[COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: Grant Napear and Jerry Reynolds are my favorite broadcast team. Here’s a clip of them signing off on the 2010-11 season, when it looked like the Kings would be leaving Sacramento for Anaheim.]
2. Brandon “Josh Smith Is My Kryptonite” Jennings
It made sense that in the immediate absence of Josh Smith, the Pistons started playing much better basketball. When they began to string together a couple of wins, it was a pleasant surprise. But when they extended their streak to six (which ultimately ended at seven), beating some of the top teams in the NBA along the way, they shocked the world. The Pistons have catapulted themselves into the Eastern Conference playoff race, Stan has transcended into a god-coach, and Brandon Jennings has gone super-saiyan, much to the delight of his non-Chode League fantasy owners (read: me).
Mr. Jennings expressed his delight with the performance of the Pistons by stating this was an experience unlike any he has had previously:
“I’ve never been on a six-game winning streak before.”
Brandon Jennings has been on three six-game winning streaks before. Thank you for being you, Brandon. Never change. Well… maybe try using your right hand from time to time, though.
3. Swaggy “Nick Young” P and Jeremy “No Longer Clinically Linsane” Lin
When Jeremy Lin was traded to the Lakers, no one expected the return of Linsanity. No one expected him to play stellar basketball. However, everyone anticipated the bromance of Swaggy P and J-Lin because it is a fact that Nick Young is objectively cooler than Landry Fields and Chandler Parsons (Jeremy’s previous bromances) combined. A recent ESPN article had a gold mine of Jeremy Lin and Nick Young quotes, and the world rejoiced. It’s hard to pick just one, but this one stands out among the rest:
Swaggy: “[Kobe] has no filter. He just talks and talks.”
Lin: “That’s ironic.”
Lin: “Nothing. Keep going.”
It’s simply perfect: Swaggy being an unaware loudmouth and Jeremy Lin being a Harvard smart-ass. The Lakers may be in shambles, but the love between these two is just beginning to bud, and I can’t wait to see their relationship develop. A relationship far more interesting than anything you’ll see on The Bachelor, that’s for sure.
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks Mike, and now the first-ever TEN CLIP SHAQTIN’. Apparently we call this the Shaqtin’ a Fool remix.
1. Kevin GARNETT +100
Ear-blowing is chodey. We know that. But Garnett has serious balls doing this to David West, probably a top-five NBA player in terms of anger issues. Does KG know Lance isn’t a Pacer anymore? Did he see Lance blowing in LeBron’s ear and become jealous that he hadn’t thought of that move first? Did he really think he could play off David West’s retaliation as unprovoked, given Garnett’s reputation? So many questions.
2. Ronnie PRICE +100
Look, I feel bad for Kobe. Since getting SWEPT by the Mavs in the 2011 playoffs, he’s lost Bynum, gone through the Dwightmare, never really had Nash, lost Metta World Peace, missed the playoffs, lost Gasol, is going to miss the playoffs again, and…is the third-best player on this team Carlos Boozer?? That was the nose rub of a weary man. Worried for you, Kobes.
3. Chandler PARSONS +100
I’ve always thought Parsons was kind of overrated. He’s a good enough three point shooter, but he’s poor defensively, and always looks confused trying to drive with the basketball. Case in point: after making slight contact with Dellavedova, he flings a wild airball towards the shot clock, expecting a foul call. Looks like someone’s spent too much time around Harden.
4. Jeff GREEN +100
Last week, I spent FIVE minutes arguing during a pickup game. This guy said that you could jump off both feet, as long as you started dribbling before you came back down. How do so many pickup players not know the basic rules of basketball?? I hate playing with Greek bro-types. Anyway, Jeff Green traveled.
5. Brandon BASS +100
I’m impressed. Here, Shaq pulls out probably the greatest pun he’s had during the entirety of his TNT career. “DUMB BASS” is great. And he doesn’t go crazy, yelling “DUMB BASS DUMB BASS DUMB BASS.” In fact, he only repeats it once. But that’s still enough for Kenny Smith to go, “I got it the first time.” Shaq would be 50% better if he would just be quiet after making a joke.
6. Chris BOSH +100
Probably one of the more bizarre NBA plays I’ve seen. It must be a cramp, right? It makes me sad that in over a thousand hours of playing the NBA 2k series, the “best basketball simulation on Earth,” I’ve never failed at the level of the past couple plays. You just don’t slip or cramp or have bizarre failures. And sure, those would probably be incredibly frustrating in-game, but most Shaqtins are completely impossible in 2k. That makes me sad. Anyway, while the two refs look around stunned, Chris Bosh gets down to pray for forgiveness immediately after his airball, so I guess it’s all okay.
7. Jeremy LIN +100
Oh God, I’m sorry Kobe. Look at him: as SOON as Jeremy loses the ball, Kobe starts walking back on defense. Can we get some sort of support group going for him?
8. Marcin GORTAT +100
Randy Wittman is probably the most emotionally expressive, Dracula-faced head coach in the association, and it looks like his brain is about to explode after the ball slips. Actually, you know what?
Looks pretty close to me.
9. Giannis ANTETOKOUMPO +100
9. Brandon KNIGHT +100
Kenny Smith is right, I’m blaming both players. From the ref standing three feet away, to Hornets coach Steve Clifford who can’t even turn around fast enough to see the one-second turnover, to Jason Kidd who can barely bite back a smile, everyone is confused and amused. Giannis and Brandon are literally the only two players in the backcourt. How can they mess it up so badly? Unbelievable.
10. Dion WAITERS +100
Dion Waiters is an idiot.
C.J. WATSON +5 (flop)
Andrei KIRLENKO +20 (indefinite, not wanting to be a 76er)
Brooklyn NETS +100 (3/4 weeks served)
THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks for tuning in, y’all. See you soon.