All-Star Voting may be OVER…

but Suit & Nut count down the 11 MOST COMMON all-star ballots, per MULTIPLE SOURCES. By some incredible chance, these are also the 11 MOST RIDICULOUS ballots possible, so Suit & Nut are sticking around to break it down for you.

You know what time it is.

S&N tiny

11. Team “EBONY”

“The lightest player here is Luol Deng, I think we did it.”

10. Team “IVORY”

“Stephen Adams and Kyle Korver can be team dads.”

NUT: These seemingly implausible lineups were submitted over 58,000 times each by excited NBA fans. At their simplest level, these lineups are about the ebony (black) and ivory (white) keys on a piano, but they also deal with integration and racial harmony on a deeper, human level. One disadvantage would be the need for each conference to start two all-star teams, both a Team Ebony and a Team Ivory, for fears of human rights violations. In conclusion, these popular lineup choices were not very smart by NBA fans.

9. Team “FUCK THIS, NOT WATCHING”

Unfortunately, it is impossible to vote for ten Eastern Conference all-stars on a single ballot.

SUIT: This is the lineup that would be beyond dreadful, and the scary thing is, it’s not inconceivable that people would vote for this squad. The main concern that would result in rage would be the potential of the two LeBron “Big 3’s” combining onto one starting lineup. In the West, Jeremy Lin getting voted in would be an atrocity, Kobe is incredibly undeserving, Blake is underperforming this season, Tim Duncan at best would execute a highlight reel layup, and Josh Smith is Josh Smith. The world can sleep sound knowing that this lineup will not exist, but the thought of it is horrifying. 97,000 fans voted for this lineup, and they all suck.

8. Team “MOST BORING/FUNDAMENTAL”

There are many paths to boredom, and one of those is the triple-threat-to-death.

SUIT: This lineup is a mixture of fundamental players and players with a lack of athleticism that would ultimately produce the most unexciting All Star Game possible. With combinations of three-point shooters, unathletic bigs, and people that focus on defense (which has no business being in the ASG), this lineup would be more boring than the Pelicans’ jerseys. Unfortunately, 102,000 fans bought a Pelicans jersey moments before turning around and voting this all-star ballot.

7. Team “SUBTLY NOT FOLLOWING THE NBA”

“I couldn’t find Shaq and Yao but this will do.”

NUT: Over 140,000 NBA fans don’t own televisions, but are able to tweet #NBABallot or else somehow figure out the shitty voting website. Most of these fans live in China, and as a result KOBE BRYANT is your starting Western Conference Guard!! Congratulations!!!! While Kobe Bryant embodies approximately 0 communist ideals of community togetherness and self-sacrifice, he does embody the communist ideals of gold and stars, so he is actually a perfect fit for this confused country as it stumbles through accelerated Westernization. They probably all like Carlos Boozer too, which is completely inexplicable.

6. Team “WILL DO COOL STUFF IN ASG”

This list would be ideal if “All-Star” meant “cool guy”

SUIT: This squad is the dream team of the guy who makes SportsCenter highlight reels. Wall making crazy passes, Lance existing, Gerald Green and Giannis dunking from 3… the possibilities are endless. Every player on this list would take full advantage of lackadaisical defense to wow the crowd, and r/NBA would be loaded with highlight reel gfycat files. (If you’re wondering why Noah was included, it is due to his potential to start launching jumpers and screaming at every human on the court.) No wonder 187,000 dreamers voted this ballot. Case closed.

5. Team “HAIR”

247,000 people can’t be wrong. These guys definitely have hair.

NUT: Almost a quarter of a million people came together to vote for Team Hair, and it’s knot hard to see why. The All-Star game is about free love and passion, self-expression, spreading righteousness and hair lice, and these players are the ideal denizens of such a boundless future. With Bill Walton calling the game, and each and every fan in attendance receiving 50 mg of DMT, this is sure to be a night that absolutely no one remembers.

4. Team “HIGHEST PROBABILITY OF A FIGHT OCCURING”

The statkeepers are adding “Kills,” “Deaths,” and a second “Assist” column to the scoring table as we speak.

SUIT: Where’s the beef? Right here. This ballot optimizes the amount of hatred between ten individuals on one basketball court. Though the All-Star Game is usually a jovial occasion, these two teams would find a way to fight with themselves or each other, and truly turn the game into a spectacle. There are few better possibilities than teams of enemies that have been forced to play with each other because of the demands of 315,000 NBA fans.

3. Team “HOMER”

Absolutely disgusting.

NUT: 467,000 NBA fans came together to try to create the ultimate fantasy: an unforgettable show-down between the legendary Los Angeles Lakers and the new-look New York Knickerbockers. Mirroring a matchup also available for public viewing on February 1 and March 12, this heavyweight slugfest could boast 29 past All-Star appearances, and will undoubtedly shoot to the highest pinnacle of television ratings.

2. Team “MOST LOVABLE TEAM”

<3<3<3

SUIT: It is physically impossible to hate any of these players, and if you do, you clearly are the least fun person in your group of friends. Whether the guys are all-smiles (Draymond, Swaggy), heartwarming stories (Whiteside, Galloway), or posterboys of r/NBA (Lawson, Giannis), fans across the globe would not be able to stop themselves from smiling while watching these teams play. In fact, 612,000 fans could not stop themselves from voting this ballot. Just the thought of these squads existing is uplifting, and an NBA 2K custom team of this ballot ought to be made immediately.

1. Team “RAINBOW”

Truly beautiful

NUT: We may all come from different walks of life, but this daring art piece, independently performed by 1,012,000 NBA fans, truly says it all. From East to West, hailing from all cultures and creeds, black or white, we are all fans of an international association that brings together basketball talent from the very furthest reaches of the globe into the joyous warmth of our arenas and the comfort of our living rooms every night. The All-Star Game is a celebration of that promise, and so we present Team Rainbow as an undying remembrance of the gift that the NBA is for us.

s&n big

Thanks for reading, everyone. We love you.

Intrigued? Think the numbers miiiight be fabricated? Leave us a comment.

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