WEEK 13 IN REVIEW

THE COMMISSIONER: Well, it’s that time again.

MIKE: The time when you fall weeks behind on the Week in Review again and then write a bunch of them in a short period of time to make up for it?

THE COMMISSIONER: Uh, sure. Quotas?

MIKE: Sí.

1. Hassan “Joel Embiid but Not Injured” Whiteside

Hassan “Shaquille O’Neal but Not Old” Whiteside……………………okay I’ll take it easy

Whiteside has unleashed some glorious quotes ever since his rise to stardom in the NBA. It’s great to see someone so adept at making funny statements actually play and play incredibly well. He’s giving us previews of what we all hope to expect from Joel Embiid next year. This past week [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: …whoops…], he unleashed two gems.

The first quote comes before playing the Bulls. A reporter asked Whiteside how he felt about facing Joakim Noah for the first time. Hassan quickly replied:

“I don’t know, ask him how it feels to face Hassan Whiteside for the first time.”

“Or, ask Pau.”

Incredible. Absolutely perfect. And then he got a triple-double (much to my enjoyment since he’s on my non-chode fantasy team) and unleashed this beauty:

“I’m just trying to get my NBA2K rating up.”

Mr. Whiteside, please continue to dominate the league both on the court and on the microphone. We all love you for it.

He even looks like a myplayer, and always hits B! Wow

2. J.R. “Making Everyone Hate the Cavs Less” Smith

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEE I’m likable now!!”

Though J.R. left the spotlight of New York, he hasn’t stopped whipping out chodey quotes as he has done for the past few years. Recently, he told a reporter why he showers before every game:

“You never know when your future wife might be in the stands”

“That’s why I’ve gotta keep the edge off 24/7 too”

A couple things here, J.R.. First, there is no way she would be close enough to smell you, unless she has those courtside seats next to the bench. Second, you are going to start smelling very poorly very quickly since you are running around, playing basketball with 9 other large and sweaty men. Third, you should just be getting girls by DMing them, asking if they want the pipe; it’s a foolproof method.

Good to know we’re one of 10,000 internet websites thinking of selling that as a t-shirt

3. Bill Simmons

Oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

This tweet by Bill was more than a week ago [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: …uhhhhh whoops…], but I forgot to add it to the last review and it is too glorious to omit. As we have discussed in our monthly curse, the Los Angeles Not-Lakers made the incredibly chodey decision to sign Austin “Not Good at Basketball” Rivers to their professional basketball team. His father, Doc “I put the GM in goddammit” Rivers, happens to also be the coach of this team. Though the Clippers have gone on record to say they had to convince Doc to sign Austin, it is incredibly hard to believe Doc would not vouch for his son. Bill Simmons, who has had past beef with Doc( ugh), has buried the hatchet with Billy King’s rival for worst GM, but still took a jab at him with this tweet.

“Sources: Clippers sign Austin Rivers to a 5-year, $120 million extension.”

“lel”

The only thing more hilarious than this tweet is the fact that many people forgot that Bill is a jokester and legitimately thought the Kia Sorentos signed Rivers to this deal. What a time to be alive.

THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks, Mike. Alright everybody…SING ME IN, SING ME IN! SING ME IN KENNY CHUCK SING ME IN ERNIE ERNIE ERNIE SING ME YEAH

WATCH SHAQTIN’ A FOOL HERE

1. Meyers LEONARD +100

Meyers Leonard executes a BEAUTIFUL look-away pass; unfortunately, it was JUST off the mark by approximately 20 to 30 feet. And Kenny is wrong: Wes Matthews running for a wide-open corner three is a BETTER shot than him trying to finish over fucking Marc Gasol. Kenny’s an idiot. But we know that and still love him for it.

2. Thomas ROBINSON +100

THE ERIK DUNN!!!!!!!!! It’s kind of fucked up I used his real name there, but this kid who played on our JV-2 team did this two minutes into the first game of the year back in high school!!! He decided to attack on a 1-on-3 fast-break, and went around the world for a layup, except the ball got stuck in his jersey that he refused to tuck in and ended up flying out wildly, hitting a cheerleader in the face. I never thought I’d see this play again, but thank god for Chode League! I’m smiling on the inside. Also I think Terry Stotts is going to get a heart attack and die. If only Meyers Leonard had scooped up that ball, this play might have transcended our physical plane to emerge in another realm of chodiness.

3. Marcin GORTAT +100

Once again, Kenny comes to the defense of a Shaqtor, but here he realizes the error of his ways and apologizes to the Almighty Shaq for having questioned His Great Wisdom. Marcin’s a hard worker, a solid NBA center, and a goddamn chode.

4. Jamal CRAWFORD +100

This play is straight out of 2k. There’s no one he’s ooping to. There are five minutes left in the quarter, and he’s got a full shot clock. He has his dribble, and a full array of options. Soo uh…was that a heat check????? SOMEONE MAKE THIS MAN AN ALL-STAR IMMEDIATELY!!!

5. CHINA +100

Spandex lovers everywhere are sure to be disappointed by this horrible dunk attempt. Trying to dunk over five cowering children, he instead dick-punches all of them in the face and falls down. Brutal scores from the judges I’m sure. Nietzsche had it wrong, Superman is dead.

“And that dunk fucking sucked”

THE COMMISSIONER: Let’s wrap this up with some harsh discipline.

FINED:

Dwyane WADE +15 [middle finger]

SUSPENDED:

Andrei KIRILENKO +60 (indefinite) [76ers]

Larry SANDERS +80 (10+ games) [drug policy]

CURSED:

Philadelphia 76ERS +100 (1/4 weeks served)

THE COMMISSIONER: It’s good to be back, baby. We love you.

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