THE COMMISSIONER: Hey everyone, and welcome back to our All-Star Weekend Catchup.
MIKE: You mean your All-Star Weekend Catchup.
THE COMMISSIONER: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yea whoops. My catchup.
MIKE: Here you go Commish!
1. Boogie “Lord of the Internet” Cousins
As of this season, almost everyone loves Boogie. As of two weeks ago, almost everyone hates Clay Travis. If you missed it, Clay Travis has been brought to the limelight because 5 years ago, he tweeted some irrational garbage about Boogie. Boogie brought it to light with this glorious Instagram post:
There is no better way to handle this situation. None at all. Just when you think you cannot love Boogie any more than you already do, he goes on and deals with a hater in the most fantastic fashion imaginable. Travis tried to play it cool by offering a $5,000 donation to the charity of Boogie’s choosing, but he never actually apologized for his incredibly racist tweet, so the world should still hate him. Parents, don’t let your kids grow up to be like Clay Travis. Let them grow up to be like Boogie instead.
2. Minnesota “lol Anthony Bennett is on Our Roster” Timberwolves
The team which is trying to out-tank the Knicks (HAHA GOOD LUCK) made an amazingly chodey promo video to hype up their fans for the homecoming of Kevin Love.
This sort of joke has been done before by some teams, but never has it been executed so perfectly. The video legitimately builds copious amounts of hype, it really seems like they’re gonna drop K-Love’s name, and it has the ultimate plot twist because I never remember Mike “Mike Miller” Miller playing for the Cavs ever. This video is phenomenal. Good on you, Minnesota. NOW STAY AWAY FROM MY KNICKS’ #1 PICK! [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: Please send your kind, uplifting emails to Mike at firstname.lastname@example.org]
3. Paul “Where’s My Prune Juice?” Pierce
The Truth’s age now suits his affinity for wheelchairs. Mr. Pierce game has gone from “old man” to “older man” as he unleashed a full-on “get off my lawn” quote about why kids are less competitive these days:
“Computers. They play NBA2K instead of going to the park.”
Right Paul, because you grew up in the 80s, long before the age of technology which plagued this generation. The One You Can’t Handle has a point that a lot of kids are playing video games these days, but people that want to hoop are still going to hoop. Basketball video games actually made me and my friends want to play basketball more to try to see if we could pull off the moves in NBA Street Vol. 2 (spoiler: we couldn’t). So go grump somewhere else Paul, you’re just mad because Bradley Beal probably beat you in 2K with the Sixers.
THE COMMISSIONER: Mike, awesome work as always. Now let’s take a look at our latest Shaqtors from around the league!
1. Kendrick PERKINS +100
OMG HE’S BACK and making Shaq feel better about himself. Did you know that Shaq is really into hookah also? Like, several hookah places I’ve been to prominently display photos of Shaq smoking hookah with the owners and just hanging out. I wonder if he did that during his playing days too, or if it’s just something he’s picked up now that he doesn’t have to run up and down the court all the time.
Here, Kendrick Perkins dribbles off his foot because he’s a dumbass and Shaq started laughing, so now someone’s matchup probably just got swung in Chode League. Human experience is really just a series of extended ripple effects.
2. Dion WAITERS +100
Dion Waiters is still just an idiot. Kenny, can you stop moaning???
3. Iman SHUMPERT +100
“Basketball is a game of feet, not inches,” says a poster of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar that you can see in the background of the Grantland Basketball Hour set. I wonder if that poster was just hanging in Bill Simmon’s college dorm room for years? Like probably not, right, because he’s a Celtics fan and all, but you never know? But in the Big Book of Basketball he mentions that he told his first grade teacher to call him Jabbal Abdul-Simmons? I give it a 72.1% chance that’s Bill Simmon’s personal poster, which is not-so-coincidentally Kareem’s career free throw percentage.
Anyway, Iman Shumpert ends up about twelve feet away from the basketball at the end of the move, so I guess Bill Simmons really does know what he’s talking about.
4. Gorgui DIENG +100
Even success can be chodey. This is a point worth bearing out. Tanking works — some of the time. The thing is, as a strategy the amount of pain and suffering and awfulness and bad culture that you incur on yourself can really grind your franchise into the ground over the years and decades you might be waiting to literally win a lottery. Sure, the Spurs got Duncan, the Thunder got pretty much their whole roster, but how many NBA teams have gotten fucked trying to replicate that??
Gorgui Dieng lucks into 2 real points when he probably deserved 4 chode ones for a turnover. Chodiness doesn’t equal badness. Sometimes even chodes get lucky.
Also, is Kenny Smith starting to repeat jokes like Shaq does? Because that’s chodey.
5. Trevor ARIZA +100
5. Corey BREWER +100, Josh SMITH +100
That’s right, I’m blaming both players for this synchronized sucking.
5. David LEE +100
“Fake a pass to make a violation.” Classic.
5. LeBron JAMES +100
This is so obvious, too. When this got blasted on social media as a great save, I was really just confused why Bron’s balletic jumping wasn’t called. Black Swan indeed.
5. Lance THOMAS +100
I couldn’t decide whether to give this like +500 for each separate violation I think is going on, but unfortunately in the game of basketball you can only record one turnover at a time. The game of life is kind of like that too. As a matter of fact, Lance Thomas recorded 0 turnovers on this play, and even made a bucket, so I guess chodiness really doesn’t mean bad. It’s just chodey.
Speaking of which…
Matt BARNES +25 [don’t cuss at fans dawg]
Andrei KIRILENKO +80 (indefinite) [76ers]
Larry SANDERS +60 (confirmed as 10 games, subsequent misses are for personal reasons) [drug policy]
Philadelphia 76ERS +100 (2/4 weeks served)
THE COMMISSIONER: All-Star weekend can’t come soon enough and remind us that it’s always about 20% less amazing than we thought it could have been but at least it was still cool and fun. Love you guys, peace.