THE COMMISSIONER: Happy All-Star Weekend everybody!

MIKE: It’s finally here!

THE COMMISSIONER: And so are we, look at us all caught up now.

MIKE: The two-week chunk for ASW really helps. Let’s do quotes.

1. Kevin “I Promise I’m Not Nice” Durant

“N-no mama, I didn’t lie to them and say I was mean hahaha I was just kidding :)”

Part of Kevin Durant’s new deal with Nike must be to live up to his “KD IS NOT NICE” commercial, because he has been a supremely chippier player this season, and the NBA is better for it. After blowing out the Los Angeles Not-Lakers in a game filled with healthy amounts of chatter, The Durantula uttered the following:

“They cry too (bleeping) much.”

He even censored himself with a perfect 1000 Hz tone.

America runs on Dunkin, and it hates the Clippers. Good on you, Kevin Durant, for putting the Kia Sorentos back in their place. A team that has never sniffed the Western Conference Finals should not act so condescending.

2. Adam “Literally the Opposite of David Stern” Silver


Mr. Silver further upped his already elite bromissioner status by defying the NBA in the best way possible. The following tweet reports this monumental decision:

The award is the player of the month. PLAYER. One human from each conference. ONE. But Adam “No One Will Ever Boo Me at The Draft” Silver decided to take the road never traveled and awarded it to five times as many people as the allowable rate. This unprecedented move was completely justified, however, as the Hawks needed to be rewarded for going undefeated in January. No one person on the Hawks stands out as the most valuable, so Silver’s call makes sense. Maybe the Hawks’ starting five will be in the running for MVP…

Mike Budenholzer is already designing his new NBA-approved 9-man lineups.

3. Kevin “Holy Shit KD Actually Might Not Be Nice” Durant

“Not 1, not…ok, 2!”

SURPRISE! ANOTHER KEVIN “KEVIN” DURANT CHODEY QUOTE. HAHAHAHA. Usually when two chodey quotes happen from the same person in the same week, they are lumped together in the same section. These two quotes were so good though, they deserved their own segments, even though they took place DURING THE SAME GAME. During the game, Fuck “Chris” Paul made a jumper when the Clippers were losing by a hefty margin. After sinking this jumper, he glared in the direction of the Oklahoma City bench, and directed his gaze upon Kevin “Why Haven’t I Fully Embraced Durantula?” Durant. Kevkev responded with the following:

“You’re down 20 homie”

After this quote was uttered, Chris Paul flopped, flailed his arms, and argued with the refs for a flagrant 2 foul against Durant. (That sequence of events did not actually occur, but would you really put it past Cliff Paul’s worse half?)

THE COMMISSIONER: Great work, thanks Mike. Shaqtin anyone?


1. JaVale McGEE +100


Unfortunately, JaVale hasn’t learned anything while he was in timeout for being injured. He’s right back to being an idiot, and before Hickson even knows what’s happening, he’s gotta push McGee’s nuts out of his face.

What’s more amazing to me, though, is Kenny’s apparent surprise that Shaqtin’ a Fool regularly cuts to coaches’ reactions after things go terribly wrong. In fact, I bet it’ll happen for all the other clips in this episode, too. Shaq has fooling around down to an exact science of Foolology:

The setup, the clip, the punchline, the punchline, the punchline, the coach’s reaction, one or two slow motion replays, and the punchline for emphasis as the player walks away from the scene of the crime. Study the formula Kenny! It’s only your job!

2. Lance THOMAS +100

I wonder how many fans have only heard of Lance Thomas through Shaqtin’ a Fool. 100,000? Shaq’s arm is long.

Just look at Derek Fisher’s face, Kenny. JUST LOOK AT DEREK FISHER’S FACE! JUST LOOK AT DEREK FISHER’S FACE! Sorry I’m getting too much into character now.

Anyway, Lance Thomas flops like a bitch when he realizes he’s gonna lose the ball and there might have been some incidental contact, and plays like this will only continue until the league cracks down on this bullshit. Shine a light on ’em, Shaq! You are our noble crusader!

“I’m tough as STEEL. Ain’t never seen ME flop! Except at the box office.”

3. Jeremy LAMB +100

You can’t EVER take a handshake for granted, especially if you’re Jeremy Lamb, a 42% shooter to begin with. Obviously, Jeremy, that means fifty-eight percent of the things you do in life aren’t actually working out on the first try, but maybe some attention to detail could help put you over the top in these situations.

I only wish we got a coach reaction on this one too. Maybe Scott Brooks pushing up his glasses and forgetting to draw up a play during the timeout. Oh well, 1/2 of those happening isn’t bad.

4. Norris COLE +100

4. Hassan WHITESIDE +100

I swear to God, these are the most high school plays in the world. I don’t understand how this can happen at this level. Blow on your hands some more, Norris! Get it back, quick, before Coach benches you and puts in…ah…

“At least Kenny Smith won’t notice I’m embarrassed, or even on national television right now.”

…actually never mind. Keep going, Norris! You’re doing great, go HEAT!

5. DeMarcus COUSINS +100

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME! Last year I owned DeMarcus (phrasing), and while he was an unbelieveable chode last year by boxscore stats, Shaq loved him too much to ever ding him up on Shaqtin. OR SO WE THOUGHT! But this play got vined so bad that even Shaq probably had to throw up his hands and mumble something about “28 and 14.”

Really, DeMarcus, you’re averaging just 25 and 13 on the year? What a chode, get out of here. I’m sure Ty Corbin taught you better!! Play some defense on this one play where you’re down 17 points because management blew up your early-season darling of a team. That’ll show you!

Artist’s rendition of The Commissioner’s current emotional state.

I uh…*sniffle*…let’s dispense some justice, shall we?


DeMar DeROZAN +15 [touching Bojan too much]

Chris PAUL +25 [sexism, bitching, lol what an ironic combo of words to put]


Andrei KIRILENKO +60 (still going…wow…)

Larry SANDERS +60 (now concluded)

Kendrick PERKINS +20 [headbutt…not being one but literally headbutting]


Philadelphia 76ERS +100 (3/4 weeks served)

THE COMMISSIONER: From my heart to yours, Happy Valentine’s Day errybody. I love you all.

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