SUIT: Hey everyone. We would be remiss to ignore covering college basketball this time of year.
NUT: But I don’t know nothing about being smart. So let’s just guess. You get the left side, I’ll get the right?
SUIT: Sounds great.
SUIT: Meaning is arbitrary, and I choose to value mascots, aesthetics, and cool names.
- Hampton/Manhattan over Kentucky – Kentucky is garbage at basketball.
- Cincinatti over Purdue – Cincinatti is to Adidas as Oregon is to Nike: they are the guinea pigs for new uniform ideas. Though Adidas does weird things for them like that odd zebra pattern that will never catch on, they are distinctly cooler than Purdue’s lousy tan and black color scheme.
- WV over Buffalo – West Virginia has a lot going for it: cool uniforms, cool nickname (the Mountaineers), and a sweet logo. Buffalo is definitely lacking in this department, so they get the loss.
- Valparaiso over Maryland – Do we even need to discuss this decision when ONE OF THE SCHOOLS IS CALLED VALPARAISO? Are you kidding me? That’s majestic.
- Butler over Texas – Burnt orange is disgusting.
- ND over NE – Gold/navy/green is cooler than red/white/black. The Fighting Irish is significantly cooler than the Huskies. Easy win for Notre Dame.
- Wichita over Indy – Is Wichita a sate? I don’t think so. You have to respect a school with that kind of audacity.
- Kansas over NM State – Without Sim Bhullar, NM State has no semblance of any sort of swag. Kansas easily defeats them.
- Coastal Carolina over Wisconsin – In what is easily the most closely contested matchup of this round, Coastal Carolina barely edges out Wisconsin in a duel of incredible mascots. Wisconsin’s badger in a striped sweater is beyond classy, but Coastal Carolina’s mascot is the Chanticleer. THE CHANTICLEER.
- Oregon over Okla St – Oregon is #blessed by being Nike’s crash test dummy. They have impeccable uniforms and their unique home floor design is beautiful.
- Wofford over Arkansas – When one school is named Wofford and the other is just a cheap ripoff of a state that already exists, the decision is obvious. Wofford wins in a blowout.
- Harvard over NC – Harvard wins this one because their mascot is the Crimson, and it’s a fact that all things crimson are powerful (Crimson Tide, Crimson Chin, etc.)
- Xavier over BYU/Ole Miss – No matter if it’s BYU or Ole Miss, Xavier will win because that X is powerful and they have two mascots: The Musketeer and The Blue Blob. If that was not enough to convince you, THE BLUE BLOB WAS FEATURED IN PLAYBOY ONCE. Thank you, Wikipedia.
- Baylor over Georgia State – Georgia State’s uniforms, logo, and mascot are so boring that I want to cry. Victory to Baylor.
- VCU over Ohio State – VCU comes out on top because their Ram logo is fantastic, and Ohio State refers to itself as THE Ohio State University. Go THE fuck home.
- Arizona over TSU – In Battle of the Boredom, Arizona comes out on top solely because TSU’s color scheme and logo is just a blatant knockoff of Texas A&M. You could at least try to copy a team with more fun colors, TSU.
Your turn, Nut? NUT: Thanks, Suit. I embody pragmatism, and games are won by angry coaches and extremely tall individual players.
- Lafayette over Villanova – Look at Villanova’s coach. What a nice guy! BZZZZ completely wrong, that’s how you lose.
- LSU over North Carolina State – Elbert Robinson III is a 7’1, 270 pound freshmen at LSU. Basketball is easier when you’re tall. ARE YOU FUCKING GETTING THIS YET? PRAGMATISM.
- UNI over Wyoming – Wyoming’s Larry Shyatt looks like the lovechild of Pat Sajak and a golf ball.
We don’t need father figures on the sidelines! We need ABSENT father figures! MORE YELLING
- UC Irvine over Louisville – Mamadou Ndiaye is 7’6, weighs 300 pounds, and selected UCI for its strong academics.
- Providence over Anyone – Because God is dead. Wait, what??
- Oklahoma over Albony – Both teams feature doughy coaches and lack giants. But Albany’s Richard Peters stands 6’11, one inch taller than any player for Oklahoma. A narrow victory in 5 OT.
- Michigan State over Georgia – Michigan State’s Tom Izzo is perpetually about five minutes from either becoming the Godfather or committing suicide.
- Belmont over Virginia – Belmont’s Rick Byrd can’t wait for you to drive his daughter back from prom by 11:30 a.m.
- Duke over Whoever – Who the fuck even cares.
- St. John’s over San Diego St. – My name is Joey De La Rosa, I stand 7’0, and you killed my father.
- Utah over S.F. Austin – The Twin Towers of Dallin Bachynski (7’0) and Jakob Poeltl (7’0) were actually sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor.
- Eastern Washington over Georgetown – Once again, in a matchup with two soft-hearted coaches, only the team whose tallest player is one inch more than the other team’s biggest guy will survive.
- SMU over UCLA – For obvious reasons. Larry Brown. Probably a bunch of them are tall. Whatever.
- Iowa State over UAB – Georgios Tsalmpouris is 4 inches taller than any UAB player. He is literally a Greek God.
- Iowa over Davidson
- Gonzaga over North Dakota State – Gonzaga has two 7’1 players (Przemek Karnowski AND Ryan Edwards) AND Mark Few as coach? North Dakota may not be a state by the end of this one.
LET’S TALLY IT UP
SUIT: March MADNESS? Everything is arranged so that it be this way, this is what is called culture.
- Cincinnati over Hampton/Manhattan – The only reason Hampton or Manhattan is advanced is because they effectively had a bye playing against Kentucky, the worst college basketball team in existence. Cincinnati basically wins by default.
- Valparaiso over WV – Reminder: Valparaiso’s name is still Valparaiso. WV gets crushed.
- ND over Butler – Notre Dame is smart to have their school mascot be the same mascot as the only relevant holiday in March: St. Patty’s Day. Hard not to pick a March-themed team to win games in March Madness.
- Witchita over Kansas – Oh what’s that? Wichita State’s mascot is the Shocker? Shockers refers to harvesting and the mascot looks like this?
The winner is obvious.
- Oregon over Coastal Carolina – Another close one for Coastal Carolina, but they fall short here because despite having an amazing team nickname, their uniforms and court design pale in comparison to that of Oregon. Also ducks are cool too.
- Wofford over Harvard – This sounds like it could be a feudal battle in Old English times. Wofford sounds like a more powerful name given that scenario, so they stand victorious.
- Xavier over Baylor – Baylor’s fight chant is “Sic ‘em, Bears” accompanied by a sassy bear swipe. A team cannot advance past the second round with that monstrosity.
- VCU over Arizona – Arizona, you should take a page out of ASU’s book and acquire a cooler logo/mascot if you want to succeed in this bracket. Come on down, VCU.
NUT: Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another. Who advances next?
- Lafayette over LSU – You know what they say: One’s company. Two’s a crowd. But did you know THREE 6’10 players, if you stacked them vertically, would stand an incredible 20’6? Now THAT’S Sport Science!
- UC Irvine over UNI – Did you know that the 7’6 Mamadou has reality-warping powers? I think he warps this one into a blowout.
- Providence over Oklahoma – God is still dead.
- Michigan State over Belmont – Tom Izzo strangles himself with a tie to earn his team an illicit timeout. Michigan State ekes out another win.
- St. John’s over Duke – MY NAME IS JOEY DE LA ROSA, I STAND 7’0, AND YOU KILLED MY FATHER. (I’m still not going to show you a picture of him though. I like the mystery.)
- Utah over Eastern Washington – Utah overwhelms with bicycles, kindness, and free pamphlets. Also being huge.
- SMU over Iowa State – I’m sure they’re like, good or whatever, and I’m sticking with that.
- Gonzaga over Iowa – I think Iowa should have 0 teams at all, and so does Gonzaga head coach Mark Few, who looks like some mixture of Skip Bayless, Steve Kerr, and also that guy from The Office. Mutant coaches are probably genetically angrier.
LET’S TALLY IT UP
SUIT: We are given over to absolute solitude. No one can speak with us and no one can speak for us; we must take it upon ourselves, each of us must take it upon himself. With that out of the way, here are my picks!!!
- Valparaiso over Cincinnati – Valparaiso is commonly referred to as “Valpo” because plebs struggle to properly pronounce its sophisticated name. But here’s the problem: it’s hard to compete with a school whose full name and abbreviated name both sound amazing. Sorry, Cincinnati.
- Wichita over ND – In Seven Nation Army, Jack White proclaims “I’m going to Wichita.” Having the support of a man as cool as Jack White is an unparalleled level of support. Unfortunately for the Fighting Irish, no one sings about going to South Bend.
- Oregon over Wofford – Easily the toughest matchup of the Sweet 16, Oregon barely escapes Wofford. Oregon has the cooler uniforms, court, and mascot (ducks over bulldogs), while Wofford has the cooler logo and name. Oregon goes up 3-2 early in a game where both teams misplace the ball for an extended length of time.
- Xavier over VCU – VCU only made it this far because it faced two of the weakest opponents in the bracket. They simply crumble in a matchup against a powerhouse like Xavier. It would be a travesty if a school with two awesome mascots did not find its way into the Elite Eight.
NUT: Education is not preparation for life. Education is life itself. And by education I mean ball.
- UC Irvine over Lafayette – Did you know that Mamadou has his own IMDB page? He is credited for one four-minute film. While you were looking, Mamadou used that distraction to score 54 dunks.
- Providence over Michigan State – If you’re already bracing yourself for that picture, I think I’ve done my job.
- Utah over St. John’s – My name is Joey De La Rosa, I stand 7’0, and you killed my father and now me.
- Gonzaga over SMU – Tall players angry man good job Gonzaga you slightly out-talled out-angried the other guys whatever.
LET’S TALLY IT UP
SUIT: These teams are monsters. But monsters cannot be announced. One cannot say: ‘here are our monsters’, without immediately turning the monsters into pets. These teams are pets.
- Wichita State over Valpo – This was not an easy one to decide. Having a name like Valparaiso is nearly an unbeatable trump card, but the other aspects of the school are just not cool enough to back it up. Their logo and mascot are pretty bland and far worse than those of Wichita, and the name “Wichita State” is still incredibly cool. Valpo should get a makeover and come back next year stronger than ever.
- Xavier over Oregon – Another difficult decision, but Xavier narrowly emerges this contest as the victor. An underrated aspect of Xavier’s cool factor is its name; Xavier simply sounds suave and always reminds people of their favorite professor. Though Oregon’s uniforms are pretty sweet, they need to step their jersey game up to the level of their football team to become a true juggernaut. Xavier advances.
NUT: It is a familiar and significant saying that a problem well put is half-solved. Single-elimination tournaments work similarly.
- Providence over UC Irvine – David hurls a stone from his sling with all his might and hits Goliath in the center of his forehead, Goliath falls on his face to the ground, and David cuts off his head. The Philistines flee and are pursued by the Israelites “as far as Gath and the gates of Ekron“. David puts the armor of Goliath in his own tent and takes the head to Jerusalem, and Saul sends Abner to bring the boy to him. The king asks whose son he is, and David answers, “I am the son of your servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.”
- Utah over Gonzaga – Did you know the two starting big men for Utah already have a combined 5 wives? Not really, but you didn’t totally NOT know either. Now that’s dominant. Gonzaga has a freaky coach and plenty of huge players but 0 plausible polygamous arrangements. At this level, any mistake can be costly.
SPEED ROUND: FINAL FOUR
- SUIT: Wichita State over Xavier – It is no easy task to overcome a team with two awesome mascots, but Wichita’s Shocker is cooler than these two combined (even though one is The Blue Blob!). The Shocker is a great name, looks awesome, is unbelievably unique, pays homage to the area, and allows for copious amounts of dirty jokes. The record still stands that Wichita is not a state, and their uniforms are quite fresh. When you consider all of the factors that make an NCAA basketball team cool, Wichita State has it all. They deserve to go to the big dance.
- NUT: Providence over Utah – Now that we’re in the Final Four or whatever I decided to actually look at Providence’s team. And what do you know — 1) They’re called the Friars. 2) They have a 7’2 freshman and a 7’0 senior. 3) Their head coach is named Ed Cooley, and Google introduced me to him like this:
This is truly God’s team.
SPEED ROUND: CHAMPIONSHIP
SUIT: The schools that Wichita State has taken down prove that their cool factor makes them a force to be reckoned with. However, Providence is an incredibly worthy adversary. Like the Shocker, having the Friar as Providence’s mascot is unique and pays homage to their hometown. One would not think of a friar as an intimidating opponent, but Providence’s fantastic logo makes them look serious and powerful. The color scheme of the school ties in well with the friar nickname, and Providence has used this theme to create some great uniforms. It seems like a push between Providence and Wichita State by my criteria, so I’ll pass it to you, Nut.
NUT: Well, let’s see. Wichita State’s tallest player is 6’11? STRIKE. Okay, he’s Kenyan and his name is Tom “Bush” Wamukota. That’s pretty cool actually, I’ll call it even. Let’s look at Wichita State’s coach.
Wait, what?? He looks kind and gentle enough to be a pharmacist.
That’s a genuinely cool guy. And if I learned anything playing high school basketball, it’s that only coaches who are cruel and unusual and pouty can win. THE FIX IS IN! GOD’S TEAM TAKES THE TROPHY!!!!!
The official Chode League pick is Providence over Wichita State.
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SUIT & NUT is filmed in front of a live studio audience.