WEEK IN REVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

THE COMMISSIONER: Hello everybody, and welcome to your Week in Review EXTRAVAGANZA. We’re taking you from Week 16 up through the present day. That’s right, SIX WEEKS of old news, bitching, and horrible meta-jokes all wrapped up together in an unforgettable tome of chode.

MIKE: Hi Commish.

THE COMMISSIONER: You ready?

MIKE: Absolutely not. Here we go.

WEEK 16

1. Timofey “Please Forget Blake Murdered Me Via Dunk”  Mozgov

“In my country, ball dunk you.”

If during preseason someone mentioned that Timofey Mozgov would be more valuable to the Cavs than Kevin Love, 100% of the world would’ve laughed (and also been confused since Mozgov was a Nugget at the start of this year). However, Mozgoof has become Mozgod, helping to turn the Cavs into the title contender we all anticipated. In addition to playing well, Timofey is also dishing out some lovely bits of chodery. Recently, Kevin Love had some sort of injury (probably lack-of-fitting-in-itis) and Mozgov said the following about the matter:

“If he dies, he dies.” (  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ not included  )

If Mozgov only spoke in quotes from Russian movie characters, the world would be a better place.

2. Russell “THIS IS MY TEAM NOW, KEVIN” Westbrook   [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: Oh God, it really is.]

“And on my watch, the Thunder uniforms are now bacon!”

Westbrook is an athletic freak. Every game, he reminds the world of this fact with at least one insane dunk, or monstrous rim-stuff [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: rimstuff.com not-so subliminal message yea there’s nothing there now but I’m totally working on it.] Realizing this, a reporter asked Brody why he has never competed in a dunk contest. This was his response:

“I only dunk on people.”

That is the most perfect answer to any question in the history of sports. Case closed, no one will bring it up again. It’s beautiful, it’s chodey, and it’s 100% Russ. Never change, Russell (except change teams please. OKC is so boring.)

3. Rick “The Slick” Carlisle

“Woah, woah! I would NEVER steal a nickname from the Commissioner! Chode League rocks!!”

Mr. Carlisle is a great coach. He’s effectively the un-chodey Pop. UNTIL THIS WEEK. Carleezy planted himself in the group of chodey coaches this week while dealing with Rajon Rondo (who we now know depises Carlisle’s existence). Rondo, world renowned Connect-4 player, defeated Rick in a duel for the ages. When discussing his defeat, Coach uttered the following quote:

“He got all excited afterwards. I told him to learn how to make a shot.”

DDDAAAYYYUUUUMMMMMMM. Kill ‘em, Rick!!!! But please, don’t murder Rondo for disobeying your playcalling. He’ll be gone to LA this summer, so it’s all good.

THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks, Mike. All-Star Weekend brings with it a double-dose of SHAQTIN A FOOL!

Watch here!

1. P.J. TUCKER +100

Can we just establish that “Anything Norris Cole can do, I can do better” is a formula for failure at life?

Look, as an unashamed Heat fan I was much higher on Norris Cole than any of my friends were. Then I made an NBA 2k Association team with Norris Cole as my starting point guard and I realized that his ideal role is exactly 5 points a game. Lately he’s been “killing it” (meh) with the Pelicans, but I remain unshaken. Norris Cole is a backup backup point guard. I think that’s what was so sneaky — he played backup to not just Chalmers, but also LeBron at that position. That’s the sneaky value of the World’s Greatest PlayerTM right there. LeBron. Not Chalmers.

Anyway P.J. Tucker fucked up an inbound play and I’m supposed to be surprised. But yesterday he picked up his dribble and then tried to dribble again two seconds later so I’m not. Anything Norris Cole can do, I can do worse.

2. Kenneth FARIED +100

Kenneth is starting to make Shaqtin appearances, and everytime Shaq FREAKS OUT that maybe the Manimal is going extinct by saying the exact same joke word-for-word. Here’s a list of things that are actually going extinct:

  • redheads
  • tigers
  • South China tigers
  • blue whales (fuck Japan)
  • the name “Kenneth”
  • not hyperathletic power forwards who were just on Team USA and did fine but now they’re on a shitty team shut the fuck up Shaq

To be fair to Shaq, he did like, fall down. What an idiot.

3. Jason TERRY +100

I always wonder what happens in the mind of an aging player like Jason Terry. Not four years ago, he was in the Finals styling on D-Wade and LeBron with some unbelievable streak-shooting. Today, he comes off the bench, playing behind Patrick Beverley for one the Mavericks’ historical rivals. Do you think he still likes himself? I wonder that about Paul Pierce, too. Seeing K.G. go back to Minnysota gives me hope, but the real Shaqtin here (given the weakness of this clip) is that Terry is in a Rockets jersey at all. Ah, how far the dull, persistent pain of self-betrayal exceeds the sharp prick of briefly appearing on Shaqtin a Fool!

4. Moron BROOKS +100

Moron Brooks is maybe Shaq’s best joke ever. My favorite part here is actually just watching Coach Thibodeau not only pace, but TURN and PACE MORE during the 1 second window the camera grabbed him. What are the odds of that? I wonder if he paces like, one second at a time, all the time? Like every second, he just switches the direction of his pacing on the sideline? I really hope that’s true.

I know it isn’t, because I watch basketball and he doesn’t do that, but in my mind it’s way funnier that he’s like a windup-doll win-grinding robot who is so detail-oriented he can’t even agonize on the same mistake for more than one second at a time without having to change directions and worry about something else. So that’s my favorite part. Also Charles Barkley saying it was a good pass.

5. Miles PLUMLEE +100

Is he becoming the new Tyler Hansbrough? I’m looking for villains in today’s NBA and I really can’t find them. Sure, the Clippers and Rockets have their share of bitchy players who whine and wine and dine referees for star treatment but there’s no one out there I really HATE, you know? There’s no team, despite my level of disgust for watching what this year’s Pacers have become, and there’s really no single player who’s just loathsome. I’m banking on Miles Plumlee taking on this role for me. “Somebody would heckle you, Jet?” is a great dig by E.J. BUT WAIT, there’s more! It’s All-Star weekend!!

6. Kevin HART +100

Yeah, whatever. Here’s the actual chodiest part: Carmelo Fudd.

Hey, they’re both irresponsible gunners.

7. Kostas PAPANIKOLAOU +100

Greek names are cool, and so is Giannis, but goddamn nobody can even spell this shit. I mean, look at that name. I thought I knew how to spell it just phonetically, but I missed the incredible “AOU” vowel-cluster at the end. How does that occur linguistically? And like, I get that when you’re transliterating names, if you have reasonable one-to-one correspondence between Greek and English letters you should totally go for it and leave the vowel cluster in as some sort of flourish, but then Kostas is going to need a new nickname and pleeease don’t say “Big Papa” or something stupid like that because I’m sure that’s what the Rockets announcers started calling him from Day 1. If someone has a name that cool and your nickname for them is that fucking stupid, you deserve to be shot. Fuck you, Rockets announcers. Sorry Kost-to-Kostas missed a layup. Hey, I know it’s not great, I’m not a professional though.

8. Gorgui DIENG +100

Lordy lordy, dammit Gorgui. I actually love that he tried that pass though. First, Kost-to-Kostas has no reason to think that Gorgui Dieng is even flexible enough to put his arms behind his back. Second, this is maybe like the third or fourth behind-the-back pass Gorgui has ever attempted, and he uses it to effortlessly fuck up a 4-on-2 fast break in a meaningless exhibition game. By the way, if it’s so meaningless then why were people upset when Team USA lost to Team World [citation needed]? Gorgui is reminding us to avoid taking anything too seriously, and maybe throw some behind-the-back passes in our own lives as well. Take a risk!! Thanks Gorgui Dieng!

9. Tamika CATCHINGS +100

This is always the looming threat that makes my favorite All-Star Saturday event so great. Look, we know the ladies can ball. And by God, the legends used to. The current players? Well shit, we take them for granted. But under the bright lights of an arena where the cheapest seats go for $800, with the threat of that half-court shot looming…each player experiences a unique type of fear.

The WNBA player is somehow a token representative of women everywhere, trying to battle our entrenched sexist views that a physical, hyper-athletic sport like basketball has probably only served to foment. The legend is fighting for a golden age that probably never existed; he’s a living Marlboro Man representing the ultimate futility of athletic (or possibly any?) achievement in the face of our universal mortality. And then you have the current NBA player — and God help him if he’s the one to fuck up.

Anyway, there’s nothing better than the Shooting Stars challenge and I look forward to it every year. Oh, also because Chris Bosh is weirdly amazing at it. I’ll rant more about this later, I’m sure.

10. Walt FRAZIER +100

How many animals has Walt Frazier killed for his suits? I’ve decided the New York Knicks franchise is responsible for this. He is your public ambassador in a modern era, and he’s stumbling and bumbling all over his iPad. What the hell Knicks, you literally can’t do anything right! I think the mid-season Shaqtin awards are awkward and dumb without Ernie so I’m totally disregarding them. The D-team commentators suck and really just remind me why I wish NBA TV didn’t exist (sorry for the blasphemy.)

OTHER SHIT: Actually, everyone behaved themselves for All-Star Weekend. It’s a modern-day miracle!!

WEEK 17

THE COMMISSIONER: Remember to take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated.

MIKE: We’re moving on, to Week 17!

1. Kevin “The Heart and Soul of Minnesota” Garnett

Also “The Self-Inflicted Heart Attack via Physical Trauma of Minnesota” Garnett

KG left the Nets for his homeland, and all is right in the world. He’s mentoring Wiggins, giving Pekovic shit, and scaring Zach LaVine. Now, he’s ascended into old man IDGAF mode and is uttering wonderful quotes. For his first game back with Minny, The Big Ticket played over twenty minutes, which he hasn’t done in quite some time. After the game, a reporter asked him how his body was feeling after logging over twenty minutes. The original Kevin replied:

“Feels like shit. Thanks.” *Leaves press conference*

WHAT A BOSS. Make the most of this half season of being an old vet that can do no wrong, KG, and please keep spitting out these gems.

2. Scotty “I Promise I’m a Coach” Brooks

“I’m may LOOK like the grumpy old fart from Up, but I swear I THINK more like the dumbass bird!”

Russell Westbrook took a knee to the face from Andre Roberson (side note: the doctor definitely left the “t” out of his last name on his birth certificate, right? That has to be a typo.), and needed to get surgery. He was cleared to play, but would need to play with a mask. Since Brodie is a daring fashion icon, there were hopes that he would wear a stylish mask. However, Scotty “Buzzkill” Brooks was the bearer of bad news:

“Fortunately for all of us, he doesn’t get to choose the color. It will be a clear mask.”

On the bright side, Brooks made a chodey dig at Westbrook in the process, so at least we got that. I still wanna see Bestbrook in a floral mask getting a triple double. I also want to see Scott Brooks as an idiot bird, can I get more of that?

“WESTBROOK ISO WESTBROOK ISO WESTBROOK ISO that’s the play and I’m a real coach”

3. JVG

Be real, wouldn’t you buy his rap album? Or maybe even just his rant album. Can I have an album of JVG ranting and just bump it while I drive to Trader Joe’s?

There has been no shortage of JVG broadcasting rants this year, and the NBA has been more fun because of it. His most recent tirade was shaming the Bulls FO for deciding that they are likely to fire Coach Thibs. GM John Paxson was not too fond of this criticism, calling JVG’s comments “pathetic.” JVG hit Paxson with a comebackhand by saying the following:

“He was so mad you’d think I traded LaMarcus Aldridge for Tyrus Thomas, not him.”

OOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. KILL ‘EM, JVG. KILL ‘EM!!! I love the NBA.

THE COMMISSIONER: Go watch this, come on back, and I will teach you how to Shaqt.

1. JaVale McGEE +100

Man, JaVale could do anything wrong. We’ve seen some really great basketball this season, but it also makes me sad a little bit. The chodiness is dying. Westbrook is an out-and-out Da Vinci this season. Even Cousins has become inconsistently chodey. And now, JaVale McGee has no forseeable NBA future. Remember when he signed that mega-deal and we had the promise of our Shaqtin prodigal son for years to come? He’s a free agent right now. He opted out of his contract with the 76ers to try to join a playoff team and…no one wants him. Honestly I can’t wait for the Heat to sign him in like a year as yet another weird “Pat Riley finds himself a name-brand veteran project.” Imagine a frontcourt of Whiteside, Birdman, and McGee. I can’t. These three players were the genesis of Chode League. I just hope we don’t lose one of them for ever. Come on back, JaVale. And when you do, we will slaughter the fattened calf.

2. Dennis SCHRÖDER +100

I’ve said this before, but there are a few additional stats I wish ESPN would track for me. Here’s my current list:

  • blocks against (+3 chode points) [blocking + getting blocked should form a perfect +4 / -4 yin-yang sort of relationship of chode. The +3 accounts for the existing +1 from missing a field goal.]
  • jump passes (+1 chode point) [always fucking stupid.]
  • no-look passes (-1 chode point) [only a supreme mind could accomplish this feat.]
  • heaves (-2 chode points) [I think these are actually really smart and selfless, even when they don’t work.]
  • dunks (???) [i have no idea how to weight this, but I’d like to see its effect.]

Feel free to email me any more hypothetical stats you’d like tracked, at ChodeLeague@gmail.com. If ESPN starts, so will we.

3. Drew GOODEN +100

But to be fair, who knows why Randy Wittman was playing Drew Gooden in the first place? Even prime Drew Gooden was shitty enough for us to pity young LeBron as he dragged the Cavaliers around like a millstone. But if we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. And if we repeat history, we are doomed to become Randy Wittman.

Last week, Judge Mike and I went to a Warriors-Wizards game together and it was great. Bogut was lighting it up, mostly because the front-court rotation of the Wizards was such a mess. Steph was lighting it up too, which makes me realize the back-court rotation was pretty shit as well. Actually, that whole team is a complete fireball right now, in the worst way because Fireball is great. That whole team is like a Jägermeister right now. While I was Googling Jägermeister so I could find the “a” with the little umlaut, I discovered something. Did you know that the official site of Jägermeister thinks it’s a cool drink? I mean, you did, but check this out:

Enter the world of Jägermeister and discover strong bonds and uncommon characters. Enjoy the mix of music, culture, true characters and party.

The only strong bond when I drink that shit is between me and the nearest toilet. Fuck, am I supposed to be italicizing Jägermeister too? Like it’s classy or foreign or some shit? Drew Gooden sucks. Anyway I’d rather stop thinking about any player who wears two shooting sleeves at a time. Why can those players never really shoot, either? Looking at you, Dwight. Maybe I should give +1 chode point per shooting sleeve, too.

4. Dion WAITERS +100

Dion Waiters is an idiot.

5. Kevin LOVE +100

At least Kevin is bringing his teammates together through the power of laughter. He really is unathletic isn’t he? Spell-check recommends the word “nonathletic” but who cares.

Here’s my question: remember when we ranked the NBA’s top 100 white guys, and we kind of invited yet another shitstorm upon ourselves? I mean, beyond naming our website ChodeLeague.com. Anyway, here’s how we did it: Mike and I independently ranked our top 100 guys, averaged the results, and then argued and adjusted and cheated the rankings until we both liked them. And we both had Kevin Love #1 overall. Where would he go today? Here was our top ten, for reference:

10. David Lee
9. Manu Ginobili
8. Chandler Parsons
7. Kawhi Leonard
6. Brook Lopez
5. Goran Dragic
4. Marc Gasol
3. Tony Parker
2. Dirk Nowitzki
1. Kevin Love

That list would look a hell of a lot different now (Gordon Hayward/Pau Gasol anybody?) But are you sure Kevin Love is #1 on that list? Like, I’m sure he’s just as talented as he used to be. But if you’re building a team for the next three years, do you want K-Love over Kawhi Leonard/Marc Gasol? Who knows, man? P.S. fuck Dion Waiters.

OTHER SHIT:

Festus EZELI: suspended for 1 game for fighting Hansbrough, who can blame him (+20)

Rajon RONDO: suspended for 1 game for being a bitch (+20)

WEEK 18

THE COMMISSIONER: Seriously, go make yourself a sandwich or something. We’ll be right here. You’re actually reading an article on a website right now, so you can read those same words later it’s fine!!

MIKE: Reading ChodeLeague.com has not been approved by the FDA.

1. Steven “That Cool Tattoo Guy” Adams

The jury is still out on whether or not Steven Adams is cool. [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: Also, is he sexy?? I can’t decide.] After establishing himself as a punk early in his career he has made moves this season to be much cooler. He got a sweet tattoo, he rocked that atrocious mustache and didn’t care, and he cracked a great joke about his Rising Star Challenge replacement spot — riffing on Kevin “All-Stars Don’t Have to Play” Durant, no less! Now that he is back from injury, Steve has to wear a protective glove on his hand. When asked about it, the NBA’s favorite Kiwi stated:

“It’s kind of ruining my 3 point percentage, but other than that, mate, it’s good.”

Good on you, Mr. Adams. You’re becoming more and more chodey each day, and the world loves you for it.

2. Pop

The man who popularized resting starters against crappy teams is displeased with one of Adam Silver’s proposed plans to ease the workload of NBA players. It was announced that the NBA was looking into possibly extending the season rather than reducing the number of games in order to reduce the number of back-to-backs. Pop did not approve of this plan, and voiced his opinion by saying,

“I will not come to work in July. Count me out. Life is too short.”

It would be fantastic if the season did extend to July and Pop refused to coach because then the box score could read “DNC – fuck you, Silver.” The best part is that Popovich’s objection effectively shuts this idea down completely.

3. Draymond “Distinctly Not Dahntay Jones” Green

I am 100% certain this image is in a shrine in Judge Mike’s bedroom. Someone is borderline-obsessed. ❤

Grantland wrote a better recap of this situation than I ever could, so just check this glorious link here: http://grantland.com/the-triangle/do-you-love-draymond-green-like-a-family-member/

THE COMMISSIONER: You know the drill by now. Watch this. Rinse. Repeat. Saint Thomas.

1. Omer ASIK +100

Let’s ask Homer Asik his thoughts on his own footwork:

This horrible Euro-step led me to Google “Turkish phrases for travelers,” and here are some of the important bits I learned should you ever get stuck in a situation that knowing a bit of traveler’s Turkish would ameliorate:

  • Pleased to meet you: Tanıştığımıza sevindim./Memnum oldum
  • Good-bye [said by person leaving]: Hoşçakal!
  • Good-bye [said by person staying]: Güle güle!

Now I understand why he always looks so confused. Isn’t the world wonderful?

2. DeMar DeROZAN +100

The best part here, once again, is that Kenny and Chuck take the time to shit on the Knicks during DeRozan’s Shaqtin. The Knicks can’t catch any breaks. Even in a game Kenny claims they lost by 30, they biggest failure of the night was the other team showboating too hard. By the way, guess what the final score was? That’s right, the Knicks won by 5.

Wait, WHAT THE FUCK KENNY SMITH HOW DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

No one asked you the score and you volunteered one that was off by 35 points and the outcome. Look it up, February 28. I couldn’t make this this up, and I hate Kenny Smith. Next time you ask why these Weeks in Review take so fucking long, blame Kenny Smith. Someone has to check these facts! I’m standing up for you, Judge Mike! This is your hour of glory and vindication! All hail the New York ankle-length pants! EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!

3. Otto PILOT +100

Mike and I fancy ourselves connoisseurs of the NBA on TNT show — we’ve only been watching since forever — but even I have to notice, Shaq is slightly stepping up his game lately, which is nice with the gradual demise of an aging Chuckster. “Otto Pilot” is so fucking funny that I swear it must have been an intern. The mind behind Kazaam could not have possibly come up with such an endearing–

By the way, I still haven’t seen Kazaam. Mike and I are going to watch it soon and put out an audio commentary so that YOU can watch Kazaam for the first time ever, with us. We’ve always wondered how to monetize a site that only Zach Lowe and our friends visit, and I bet an audio track with a suggested $1 donation is just the ticket.

4. Heinrich MANEUVER +100

Holy shit, Shaq! If you keep this up you’ll be my TNT favorite and that’s just about the worst outcome I can imagine. Can I marry your intern? Remember how jump passes need to be +1 chode point, whether they work or not? I think the fundamental chodiness of the jump pass comes from its delusion. Jump passes come from one of two places: either (1) wow, I’m going to shoot this oh my God I had no idea there was defense never mind I’m throwing it away!!!! OR (2) a subconscious desire to be taller, manifesting itself as a physical leap straight into the air.

Kirk Hinrich throws these two in a blender with a scoop of Hakeem No-lajuwon and comes away with a heart-stopping turnover that even Austin Rivers could grab. Somewhere, Coach Thibodeau just changed directions again.

5. Alexey SHVED +100

As both Alexey Shved and Judge Mike are quick to point out, this is 100% a pass that slips off Shved’s fingers. And I agree. But what a metaphor. So let’s talk more about the Knicks. Most people thought the Knicks were going for an easy layup — a playoff berth in the loaded Eastern Conference. But it turned out they were zigging instead of zagging. Instead of trying to win (or score a layup) now, they were actually going to try to take the easy path (pass) out, and tank. Now they’d pitch their aspirations onto a nebulous future, where an open corner shooter would determine the play’s success or failure, rather than the actions of point guard Alexey Shved right here, in the current moment. However, by squandering all their picks, the Knicks lost their grip on any sort of viable strategy whatsoever, and this entire season has been nothing but a pandemonic waste, like an intended pass that slips off your fingers 40 feet in the air.

And looking ahead to the Knicks’ 2015-16 season, this entire metaphor is only like 10% as much of a clusterfuck.

OTHER SHIT:

Tony ALLEN: suspended 1 game by team for secret reasons or whatever (+20)

Phil JACKSON: fined an undisclosed amount, likely $25,000 based on previous similar punishments (+25)

Alex LEN: fined $20,000 for fighting Hassan Whiteside (+20)

Markieff MORRIS: fined $15,000 for flagrant foul on best bud Goran Dragic by the way did you notice that Suns-Heat game was pretty fiesty yet??? (+15)

Hassan WHITESIDE: fined $15,000 for fighting Alex Len (+15)

WEEK 19

THE COMMISSIONER: If you experience an article lasting more than four hours please contact your doctor immediately.

MIKE: Goddammit Commish.

1. LeBron “I AM A GOD” James

“HURRY UP WITH MY DAMN CROISSANTS”

During this week of basketball that took place ages ago, Kyrie Irving exploded for a 57-point game in an overtime victory against the Spurs. LeBron James, who has been impressively less fun as a Cavalier than as a member of the HEAT, finally unleashed a fun quote this season when asked about Kyrie topping his previous record-setting performance.

“I’ve got 15 other franchise records, I don’t mind lending one.”

That’s perfect. Thank you, LeBron. Please return to this form rather than being the condescending coach/GM/president/commissioner you have decided to be all season. Just play basketball and occasionally remind us that you are acutely aware of how incredible you are at this sport.

“TRYNA STACK THESE MILLLLLLIONS”

2. Gregg “Don’t Give Me a Nickname” Popovich

When typing the word “Spurs” earlier, I made a typo and initially wrote “Spurts.” This typo is incredibly fitting however, because one could certainly summarize San Antonio’s season as being one of spurts. The started slow, they had their injury spurt, and they recently have had spurts of Tony Parker playing well again. Most notably, they had a one-game spurt where they LOST TO THE NEW YORK KNICKS IN A GAME OF BASKETBALL. THIS DAY WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOREVER AS ONE OF THE GREATEST FEATS OF GLORY IN THE NBA. GIVE ME A 30 FOR 30, STAT! When asked about this absurd embarrassment, Pop uttered the following statement, about his own championship team:

“They know I hate ‘em. With every fiber of my body, I hate ‘em all. One through fifteen.”

It is safe to assume that all of the Spurs now how much Pop hates them, because there is no doubt that he unleashed the fury of a thousand suns after losing to a team led by Alexey Shved, Langston Galloway, and Lou “Cream Shake” Admundson.

3. Vlade “Confused Old Man” Divac

Vlade Divac was a good basketball player. Vlade Divac had some teammates that were also very good at basketball. Vlade Divac struggles to distinguish between the caliber of these teammates, however. Vlade said the following when asked about who was the best player with whom he shared the court:

“It’s obviously very close with Magic, and Chris Webber, Glen Rice, and Peja Stojakovic, but Kobe is… the best talent that I have ever, ever played with.”

Vlade, you are correct in identifying all of these players as quality athletes (bonus points for giving love to the much underrated Glen Rice). That being said, it is ludicrous to say that Peja is very close to EARVIN MAGIC JOHNSON. It’s even a huge stretch to put Webber and Rice in the same boat as Kobe and Magic, but PEJA STOJAKOVIC?!?! As the “great” Reggie Miller would say fifteen times, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

“I also played with Doug Christie.”

THE COMMISSIONER: I love how he can’t help but pimp that great Kings team. He’s not even sure which player was its star. Thanks Mike.

Shaqtin, anybody?

1. Klay THOMPSON +100

See, this is the level of comedy that I expect from Shaq. Klay fall down Klay so dumb! It’s basically Adam Sandler-level comedy. Actually, let’s run a quick Google search:

Shaq_is_funny.PNG turned out to be pretty damning. On the plus side, Shaq was great as Jill.

Holy shit I didn’t know their comedic careers were that co-extensive. But who am I to argue? Adam Sandler’s lifetime gross, around the world, is “$3,908.6 million” which is probably the most confusing way to say $3.9 billion ever. $3.9 BILLION. That means the average human being has given Adam Sandler 54 cents, which is three months’ wage in most countries. And no I won’t account for deaths and births because that’s too morbid for a website named after my penis. But that’s astounding! Who am I to criticize this level comedy after all? I take it all back. I wish I had never given Adam Sandler 54 cents.

“Your wish is my command.”

TL;DR Klay Thompson dumb.

2. Omri CASSPI +100

Did you see the part when Omri Casspi was going to shoot a layup but then he lost the ball? What is it about Adam Sandler that speaks to us as a society? To me, 00’s (do you pronounce that aughts? some girl told me I should) Adam Sandler is at the same level of pop-culture prominence as 90’s Will Smith or Tom Cruise was. During Sandler’s peak, only Charlie Sheen was really at that same level. That’s incredible. I’m always kind of fascinated by these individuals, because I’m convinced that 99% of what we see from these people is completely fake.

Like, if you just met Adam Sandler in a bar and he wasn’t famous — say it’s an alternate timeline where I traveled back in time to when he was 5 and told him he should be a mailman and help other people, and he really took it to heart — you would just see a schlubby overgrown frat boy making poop and dick jokes. Again, I am aware of the URL of this website. Now give me 54 cents. So I guess he’s just relatable. He’s the inner loser within all of us that we’re afraid to look at and acknowledge. I know I would be horrified by a cancerous Adam Sandler growth inside of myself. I bet at that part of the colonoscopy, when I’m literally looking into my own asshole, the little Adam Sandler cancer would still make a poop joke.

I’m moving on. Someone bring back Shaq’s intern.

3. Anthony TOLLIVER +100

Okay, that one was actually pretty funny. On paper, Anthony Tolliver is promising: a stretch-four with good length and decent athleticism/defense. In reality, Anthony Tolliver is sort of an NBA do-nothing with an okay jumpshot he uses too often and a true journeyman’s career.

Has played for 8 NBA teams in 7 years!

Like Norris Cole, you really notice his deficits when he’s a major part of your 2k rotation. I’m glad that Lance Stephenson isn’t totally dead. By the way, add Lance Stephenson to the list of mesmerizing chodes we’ve seen drop off this season. I love players who showboat, mostly because I do too, and I don’t want to see his brand of basketball go extinct. By the way, what would happen if Allen Iverson were drafted today? Who’s his clearest comparison today, a somewhat less explosive Westbrook? A 10x better Kemba? I can’t think of any other 2pt gunner guards today, which is weird.

Like, would Lillard have become another Iverson, but one day his coach told him it was smarter to start shooting threes? Today’s NBA is going in a different direction and it’s mostly good but I’d still like a few throwback players too. Please send me your angry emails 76ers fans. Please send me any emails anybody. I’m very lonely at nights. ChodeLeague@gmail.com.

4. J.J. HICKSON +100

With domineering hand she moves the turning wheel, Like currents in a treacherous bay swept to and fro: Her ruthless will has just deposed once fearful kings While trustless still, from low she lifts a conquered head; No cries of misery she hears, no tears she heeds, But steely hearted laughs at groans her deeds have wrung. Such is a game she plays, and so she tests her strength; Of mighty power she makes parade when one short hour Sees happiness from utter desolation grow. –Boethius

I think Boethius’ philosophy is actually pretty meh but there’s no denying his thoughts — and in particular, his image of fortune as a spinning wheel — have had quite a bit of influence on how we Westerners think of fortune, the afterlife, Pat Sajak, and thrown basketballs bouncing off the foot of an out-of-bounds J.J. Hickson. Let Jesus take the wheel for this one.

5. Otto PORTER +100

It’s official, Shaq hates Otto Porter. This is another clip of a player falling, but I won’t talk about Boethius. I won’t even talk about Adam Sandler, modern philosopher of the silver screen. Instead, I’m going to talk about the statistics class I’m sitting in.

For some reason, our professor is standing in the corner while he plays YouTube lectures by another stat professor from a different university. Occasionally he’ll try to yell “clarifying” remarks over her voice. This is the second class in a row he’s done that, it’s an insulting waste of everyone’s time, and I only have to pass to get my Master’s degree this May but I might start screaming instead and ruin that plan. Here’s a sample video:

My only comfort is that three people in the future are still reading this enormous “article” because they’re my friends. I love you guys.

OTHER SHIT:

Joel FREELAND: suspended 1 game for headbutting Shawne Williams (+20)

Dahntay JONES: fined $10,000 for bumping Draymond Green =] (+10)

Kevin SERAPHIN: fined $15,000 for hitting Jon Leuer too hard (+15)

Marreese SPEIGHTS: suspended 1 game for driving dangerously (+20)

Hassan WHITESIDE: suspended 1 game for dumbass shit (+20)

Shawne WILLIAMS: suspended 1 game for headbutting Joel Freeland (+20)

WEEK 20

MIKE: Are you okay to continue Commish?

THE COMMISSIONER: I’m never okay. Let’s go!! ❤

MIKE: Okay…

1. Dirk “Sassmaster Flex” Nowitzki

“That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once: how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it were Cain’s jaw-bone, that did the first murder!” IT’S A JOKE ABOUT FUCKING SHAKESPEARE OKAY

Ever since taking significantly less money this season in order to allow the Mavs to sign Chandler Parsons, Dirk has elevated his old man sass game to new heights. Recently, Dirk threw some shade onto his former teammate, Steve Nash. Regarding Nash’s retirement, Dirk said the following:

“He overcame a lot in his career: being injured, being slow, and being white and unathletic.”

This friendly jab is funny by itself, but it’s even funnier when one realizes that these are all qualities possessed by Dirk. On second thought, this quote much more accurately describes Dirk than Nash. But hey, that’s why it’s on Chodey Quotes of the Week. Chode on, Dirk.

2. Corey “Not Ronnie” Brewer

Are you not confused?

Corey Brewer has turned it up a notch since being traded to Houston and has established himself as an important member of the Rockets’ second unit. Despite his overall game being better in Houston, he still scored 51 while in Minnesota. During this week, he was able to remind the world that this 51-point game took place. In the post game speech after James Harden’s incredible 50-point performance, Coach McHale told his teammates how difficult it is to score 50 points. Corey trumped his coach by objecting:

“Getting 51 is harder.”

Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Now where is Mo Williams…?

3. Michael “Quoting Me is Too Easy” Beasley

“Oh my god oh my god…NAILED IT! High five, D.”

Michael Beasley always has been and always will be a huge chode. Since re-entering the league (with the HEAT, no less!), Beasley has been an absolute gold mine in terms of quotes. This week was no different: after Dwyane Wade’s stellar week secured him NBA Player of the Week honors, Bease had this to say:

“He comes in – ‘oh my back hurts, my back hurts – let me get 40.’”

The locker room dynamic between these two must be incredible. We all deserve a behind the scenes video of Dwyane repeatedly shaking his head in disappointment a Beasley.

THE COMMISSIONER: It’s pretty exciting, I just wish Bosh were still around. Have I gone off about the Shooting Stars competition? Man, there’s no feeling like being faced with an “impossible” shot like a halfcourt look and knowing one of your guys is a legit 30% threat from there. Have I talked about making halfcourt shots worth 10 points yet? But you still have just 8 seconds to cross halfcourt?? Sorry guys, no Shaqtin. Just the rants, without the Shaqs. But FEAR NOT! The first week of playoffs will be unduly swung by a DOUBLE HELPING of SHAQ!!!

OTHER SHIT: Marcin GORTAT: fined $5,000 for flopping too much (+5)

Marcus SMART: suspended 1 game for hitting Bonner in the nuts (+20)

Amar’e STOUDEMIRE: fined $15,000 for yelling at refs or whatever (+15)

WEEK 21

THE COMMISSIONER: Here it is, the grand finale. Mike?

MIKE: I gotcha Commish.

1. Draymond “If DeAndre Wins DPOY I Will Eliminate the Writers” Green

“I am savage!”

Honestly, this one speaks for itself.

“You say something to Timmy, he just look at you with that Timmy face like ‘Wow, you’re talking to me!’”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I have literally never read a better description of Tim Duncan. Draymond Green absolutely nailed it, and we’re done here.

2. Alonzo “I Have Given the World an Incredible Gift by Confirming This Story” Mourning

A young Dick Mutumbo flashes his incredible wingspan.

“WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?” HAS BEEN CONFIRMED! READ OUR ARTICLE FOR MORE! Many thanks again to our resident genius Albert Enstein. We love our readers.

3. Trevor “Pressure Cooker” Booker

Generational talent Enes Kanter made his return to Utah after being traded to OKC this week. He established himself as a huge douchebag by doing the Hulk Hogan hand-to-the-ear move when receiving boos from the Salt Lake City crowd. In addition to saying douchey things before the game began, he also hammed it up during the game by holding his follow through on each free throw attempt for a few extra seconds. Sadly for Mr. Kanter, whose first name rhymes with anus or penis depending on your preferred pronunciation, the Thunder came up short to the surging Jazz. After the game, former Jazz teammate Trevor Booker dropped a bomb by saying these words about Enes’ performance:

“He got his stats and he got the L as always.”

OOOOOH BABY. KILL ‘EM, TREVOR! This is simply fantastic. The Jazz are such a feel-good story this year, and seeing Enes fail to defeat them and continue to not play defense while doing so was just perfect. Long live the new Jazz and the dominance of the Stifle Tower.

THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks Mike. Let’s bring this train into the station with a double helping of SHAQTIN A FOOL! See you guys in a bit!

Welcome back and…wait, WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE ANNOUNCERS? Where’s E.J.? Kenny? Charles?

I would rather Shaq wait an additional week and give us a triple helping. Fuck NBA TV.

1. Otto PORTER +100

ALERT: following the regrettable demise of JaVale McGee as an NBA player (R.I.P.), Shaq is doing his damnedest to find a new moron to pick on. Inerrently guided by his grade-school bullying instincts, he’s found a lanky, outcast, bespectacled young man by the name of Otto Porter (Otto! What a silly name!!) and is set on making his life a living hell. He’s giving him wedgies, and wringing him for lunch money. He’s nationally broadcasting his every error, and even Paul Pierce can see it coming. Tune in next week to watch Shaquille O’Neal on Otto Porter’s back on live T.V.

But look, Otto’s just a young, promising player with a drowning coach. There are way better guys in the NBA to pick on, right? We need to identify the Heir-Apparent to JaVale and let him know. It’s honestly not Otto. It can’t be. So now we have to find a sacrificial chode to offer Shaq instead. I’ll think about it and get back to you.

2. Andre MILLER +100

I’ve watched this about ten times and I’ve come to the conclusion that even while slipping comically, Andre’s first instinct was still to try to bring his hands together and call a timeout. That’s an unbelievable first thought to have at that speed. If you think about it he could have tried an ill-advised falling shot or pass, but he didn’t; that’s already better than about 80% of the NBA. He might have tried to throw the ball off of another player, but the ball was so high over and behind his head as to render that impossible. So he reaches to the last possible trick in his bag: calling a timeout before he totally splays out. No attempt at self-preservation, or turning to cushion his fall. Just keeping possession, like the steady guard he always has been.

This play is Andre Miller’s entire career in a nutshell. I think he is still the worst three-point shooter ever with a certain minimum number of attempts, but that doesn’t matter. He’s a hell of a point guard.

Unfortunately, in this case he ended up falling down and traveling instead. Adam Shaqler chortles to himself.

3. Cory JEFFERSON +100

A very interesting Shaqtin by Cory Jefferson. Obviously, after recording the steal he saw the shot clock winding-down and felt compelled to shoot before it went off. Shame on the scorekeepers for not updating it more quickly — against a press, no less, when turnovers are actually somewhat predictable.

I’ve already mentioned that I think full-court heaves are really selfless and intelligent plays to make. They show a direct disregard for exactly the kind of naive statistics (like 3PT%) that can make or break at least some contract negotiations. Why are we shaming that? Here, the end-result is a bizarre play, but I wouldn’t exactly call that chodey, per se.

When Cory realizes his mistake, he grimaces inwardly to himself, a reaction which these D-list commentators instantly interpret as surprise that he didn’t sink an 80-foot shot. Goddammit did I mention NBA TV is an abomination???

4. Kendrick PERKINS +100

Kendrick Perkins looks like a fucking mangonel when he passes the ball. Hold on, let me pull up a YouTube clip.

Slow windup, huge arc of possible trajectories, and deadly force. Check, check, and check.

By the way, Age of Empires 2 is still an amazing game that really holds up, over a decade after its initial release. I find myself returning over and over, much like Shaq finds himself peculiarly drawn towards Kendrick Perkins each week when he’s picking out Shaqtors.

5. Ryan KELLY +100

We had Ryan Kelly as the 90th best white player in the NBA. Now that looks like a mistake; I didn’t know he had a skyhook. Unfortunately, neither did he. On the plus side, Byron Scott is super proud of him for not shooting a three-pointer. See, I find myself very, very interested by some of the new moves we’ve been seeing in just the last year or two at the highest levels of basketball. NBA moves really are copied by college, high school, and hell, younger kids who are trying to model their game. Here are two new moves I’m noticing: first, Chris Paul’s “fake bounce pass” dribble as he blows by Prince Luc (a great defender) at the elbow.

And then there’s Steph Curry’s famous fake-a-three into a sidestep three, also appropriated by Klay Thompson. That used to become a pullup two, but Steph’s creative footwork is changing the way the game as played at all levels:

To reiterate, that move really did not exist even two or three years ago.

Anyway I bet people like Byron Scott see this shit and just get pissed off that the game isn’t 100% like it was at some exact date in the past. Keep throwing down dem hooks R. Kelly, use what God gave ya.

6. Lou AMUNDSON +100

We’ve seen this kind of play before and it’s still very appealing visually. A player either receives or anticipates a substantial lower-body bump and, to the surprise of everyone in attedance, completely loses any sense of where he is in time and space, or who he is as a human being. As a matter of fact, here’s a stone inscription of J.J. Redick missing a near-identical layup off of a curl:

Amundson’s miss is more anticipation than bump, which just makes it more mystifyingly alluring. There’s something beautiful about the idea that a professional athlete — who moves his body for a living — could momentarily misjudge his actual position by about two feet. (Remember, the rim is 18 inches across!)

Actually, I think Lou Amundson would be a fascinating whipping-boy for Shaq. Remember, Shaquille O’Neal called his opponents shit like “Ericka Dampier” because he thought they were pussies. Imagine his reaction to a big man with long hair oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood probably it would be something uncreative like “Louise Amundson.”

7. Shelvin MACK +100

Another crowd pleaser — we actually got one of these from Kevin Love last week. The classic “indecisive dunk-layup” is sure to amuse and confuse anybody. However, the greatest instance of this in NBA HISTORY (to my knowledge) belongs to none other than NBA champion Glen Davis.

God, this wasn’t so long ago. Apparently HD video is a modern invention. By the way, if you support the existence of quality HD video being available on YouTube, please sign this petition. I watch Dawkins’ highlights every night — they’re the best ever, and you can see the painstaking attention to detail in not cutting off announcers’ comments, and showing you the results of all free throws. Unfortunately, the NBA is kind of an asshole and shut down his original channel. I personally have no problem with a guy who does highlights better than NBA.com doing his thing, and I’m very willing to donate to him for his trouble, in fact, I have. Unfortunately the NBA views these kinds of arrangements as copyright infringement instead of ongoing conversations furthering the knowledge and interest in their own league. I’ll get off my soapbox, but Shelvin Mack just reminded me how grateful I am that there are now other websites besides NBA.com.

Also, is Shaq being unduly influenced now by people predicting his Shaqtin choices? First Paul Pierce, now the Hawks twitter…something is rotten in the core of this institution.

8. REFEREE +100

Shaq is so full of shit right now, but without his original crew to keep him in check, no one’s going to call him out. I guess I have to.

Manu clearly extends his hand to ask the ref for a moment to collect himself at the line. This is totally fine and normal — no ref will ever throw you the ball the second you enter the free throw semi-circle, you wait for the player to collect himself comfortably behind the free throw line.

This ref doesn’t wait. Ergo, the ref is chodey.

Immediately after Shaq cuts this clip, Manu jokingly signals for a T on the ref, too, showing that his presence of mind of so far beyond that of a measly NBA referee. Some joke about him spending the remaining 2.5 hrs of the game trying to deceive the stupid refs with flopping, but I think that bit’s overdone on Manu honestly.

9. Kenneth FARIED +100

Another wild pass, another extinction joke. When you do all of these at once, you really start to notice patterns, like Otto Porter’s sudden emergence, or Shaq reusing identical jokes.

Obviously, Faried is going for a self-oop, but woefully underestimates his own strength as he lobs the ball skyward. A classic move, best performed by Kobe Bryant against Shane Battier + Yao Ming!

Unfortunately, Kenneth Faried isn’t Kobe Bryant, and his new coach Melvin Hunt unsuccessfully bites back a smile. Now this is a great clip.

10. Cleanthony EARLY +100

Early-season chode standout Cleanthony is recommending himself to chode owners with this outstanding inbounds pass. It’s really been the Year of the Inbounds Pass for Shaq this year, with multiple weird bungles leading to insta-turnovers. But here, Early manages to fuck up a much easier sideline pass. The clumsy slip off his entire right hand is great, but my favorite part is how he immediately turns to run back on defense. He knows he’s getting yelled at. He can already hear Derek Fisher screaming some bullshit about “0.4” in his ear. But Cleanthony runs back to play defense, ensuring that he will get more chode minutes for increased chode production in the future. I officially recommend Cleanthony Early as a speculative chode sleeper.

OTHER SHIT: The NBA has been well-behaved, no other shit.

Thanks so much for coming out everybody. I can’t believe you read over 8000 words.

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