WEEK 22 IN REVIEW

THE COMMISSIONER: See, we’re reasonably on-time now.

MIKE: Color me impressed.

THE COMMISSIONER: Speaking of impressive, right now I’m watching Hassan Whiteside and Derrick Rose have the most bizarre back-and-forth duel of 2015 and it’s incredible. You got last week’s quotes?

MIKE: Of course.

1. Dirk “Dat Sass” Nowitzki

HE REFUSES TO GO AWAY! SASSY OLD MAN DIRK IS HERE TO STAY! We are #blessed with two consecutive weeks of sassy Dirk, and the world is a better place for it. This week, Shaun Livingston grabbed Dirk’s schnitzel and meatballs while defending him. Whether the grab was intentional or not, Dirk was a good sport about it. When asked about the incident, Dirk said:

“I really enjoyed his tight grip.”

Goodness gracious, I love this Dirk so much. I hope Dirk doesn’t retire for another 5 years if he’ll be this sassy the whole time. What a time to be a fan of the NBA.

[COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: Read this URL, little need to click: http://probasketballtalk.nbcsports.com/2015/04/07/dirk-nowitzki-says-crotch-slapping-shaun-livingston-told-him-for-a-white-guy-its-pretty-impressive/]

2. Byron “Fry Face Inducer” Scott

Byron Scott continues to force the world to make this face:

YO RICK. INSERT THE FRY FUTURAMA SQUINTY EYE MEME. OKAY MIKE THANKS I DID.

No one is sure if he is a huge idiot who has no idea what he is talking about or a huge chode who does not care what anyone thinks. This week, he added to this reputation by making the following claim in regards to the MVP race:

“I’m biased. I think Kobe should be in the conversation.”

Byron, no. Byron, please. Byron… Byron… go shoot some long 2’s and think about your life.

“Man, I’m feeling really depressed now, I gotta talk to my kids or something. Where’s the nearest pay phone?”

3. Andrew “Not Bogus” Bogut

I never noticed the little W button on the front of those Warriors pants. These jerseys really are perfect. Anyway just keep in mind that this is the face preparing to drop some wisdom on Pastor Mark Jackson.

Mark Jackson had an irrational dislike of Andrew Bogut. Andrew Bogut has a completely justified hatred of Mark Jackson. Bogey has not been afraid to make his disapproval of Mark apparent this year, and has given many answers to questions of the media that clearly show his stance against the way Jackson coached him.

Recently, the world’s saltiest caterpillar (Jackson) made a statement about why James Harden should be the MVP over Steph Curry. Surprisingly, Jackson’s comments this time weren’t doused in salt, just lightly sprinkled. Some douchebag reporter went to get a headline out of Bogut about this, and it worked. Normally I would say “sadly, it worked” when referring to a player giving in to click-bait inducing practices of the media, except the result was glorious. The reporter asked Bogut about who he thinks should be MVP, knowing Jackson’s comment would be brought up. Bogut responded:

“Well what’s-his-name said no. What’s that guys name? Mark? I don’t remember his name.”

Mama, there goes, uh…that man.

He then went on to say one of the greatest quotes this season:

“Well, it was April Fool’s Day.”

That is simply beautiful, Mr. Bogut. That comment is absolutely perfect. It brings just enough joviality into the situation to remove the bitterness of Bogut’s comments and make the burn sting that much more. Well done, Andrew.

THE COMMISSIONER: Thanks, Mike. Great job as always digging into storylines that I wasn’t even aware of. And now, it’s time for–

OH GODDAMMIT WHY IS SHAQ DOING THIS WITH THE D-LEAGUE COMMENTATORS AGAIN i hate everything.

Ugh.

First off, let’s review the transcript of the first twenty seconds:

White guy who’s not E.J.: “It’s time for, uh, Shaqtin’ a Fool.”

BZZT. Problem #1: Broadcaster cannot remember the name of a very successful segment wrapping up its fourth acclaimed season.

White guy who’s not E.J.: “Last week’s……….double edition…….was the greatest Shaqtin’ a Fool ever.”

BZZT #2: No it wasn’t, mostly because you were involved with it, white guy who wasn’t good enough to be E.J. and is therefore usually relegated to NBA TV. The greatest Shaqtin’ of all time is still JaVale throwing the ball into the stands as Tragic Bronson. Also, Shaq has done lots of other “double editions.” And actually,

BZZT #3: “Double edition” is not a real phrase.

White guy who’s not E.J.: “How do you plan to top it?”

BZZT #4: Setting Shaq up for failure right before the only moderately enjoyable part of this entire show.

SHAQ: “I’m not.”

BZZT BZZT BZZT the entire segment is ruined godfuckingdammit.

White guy who’s not E.J.: “Just not that ambitious?”

SHAQ: “No I am, but, I’m only give you five today”

BZZT #8: Shaq’s not perfect either, that’s a fucked up sentence.

White guy who’s not E.J.: [mumbling] “Oh, okay.”

How do you have three co-hosts for Shaq and none of them can think of something less awkward to say? You’re all FIRED BZZT BZZT BZZT.

SHAQ: “I’m only giving five. MAYBE SIX.”

BZZT #12: Shaq lies. Let’s move on.

WAIT WHY THE FUCK DO NONE OF THEM KNOW THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO SING DURING THE INTRO

1. Steven ADAMS +100

Not one, not two, but THREE sound effects make it into this clip, and each represents a distinct, excellent choice. A well-timed piranha bite, clown whistle transition, AND bomb drop/explosion really liven the experience of watching Steven Adam’s nuts get crushed. Also two puns about genitals, although “ball-on-ball violence” is pretty damn amusing.

To revisit one of the central points about chodiness: Steven Adams is 100% the innocent victim here. He’s clearly on the wrong side of a guard vs. big mismatch on the perimeter, but he still works hard to move his feet, jump, and actually contest the shot pretty well. In the end it just doesn’t quite work out for him. He did nothing wrong, he’s not an idiot here. But it’s pretty chodey anyway because balls.

Just how chodey? Well, for 100 chode points he could have missed 25 free throws, or committed five techs. Actually, since it’s Steven Adams he was probably planning to do both of those anyway. Balls don’t lie.

2. Michael CARTER-MILLIONS +100

Once again, this clip is a true beneficiary of some terrific video-room editing. Watching 3 Jerryd Baylesses carry each other high enough to catch a MCW pass like a precarious Tower of Babel captures the sense of confusion that I feel when I think about MCW. Remember, this is a player who owns the most astonishing shot chart I’ve ever seen:

“They said to each other, ‘Come, let’s make bricks and bake them thoroughly.’ They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. Then they said, ‘Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.’”

Please do not adjust your monitors. The all-blue shot chart is fucking incredible, but really it’s those three text boxes that provide such a concise demolition of a player. Terrible beyond the arc. Okay, but what if he gets closer? He’s bad in the midrange. Oh wow okay how about if he Below average finisher.

And somehow, despite 4.0 turnovers a game, he’s still not a top-50 chode. Actually, that’s probably his most impressive achievement. He might be the most confusing player in the NBA to me. I want to write him off as a slightly taller Austin Rivers, but clearly I’m missing…something. I feel like my thoughts are getting scattered abroad over the face of all the earth. God, just look at how much he makes me write in italics and quote the book of Genesis. I’m done here.

3. Jared DUDLEY +100

Why can’t these guys even laugh normally I’m so fucking angry like if you’re not gonna say anything interesting at least pretend you’re enjoying yourself during a live comedy segment on TV.

But really, “Gotta face the other way if you’re gonna shoot it like that” — delivered in a weird crooning voice I thought was a bad gay impression — is probably the least funny thing I’ve ever heard.

4. DeMar DeROZAN +100

“DeFrozen” is another respectable effort by Shaq’s intern, so shout-out or whatever. But this is actually such an interesting play. Obviously, Joakim’s white warmups confuse DeRozan as he comes out of his spin. DeMar, not a great passer on his best day, is actively deceived in a way that feels kind of…cheap. Should the NBA do something about this?

I want players to be able to stand up like that, but maybe like…your warmups should match your fucking jerseys? Am I blowing anyone’s mind right now? I sure hope not. Why don’t the Bulls have red warmups?? Isn’t it just one more piece of equipment you could sell for an 80000% sweatshop profit on NBAstore.com? Would it take more than an hour to design that? You already have the white ones.

And no I’m not linking to NBAstore.com directly because they failed to approve or deny Chode League’s application to become an affiliate. They straight up ignored us and that kinda sucks. At least send me a rejection letter so I can frame it. Pleeeeeease? Actually, I have a song stuck in my head now:

RIP da pimp.

BTW, “Yeeeeeeeah, Shaqtin’ a Fool baby” is probably the worst, most generic televised piece of “commentary” I’ve ever heard. I’m not sure though, because my standards continue to drop throughout this segment.

5. Matt WHINER +100

HE KNOWS! EVEN SHAQ KNOWS THEY SUCK! I am so validated right now.

  • I’m so glad there’s not one, but TWO targeting reticles there so I can actually see the fist bump being denied.
  • I’m so glad Shaq actually COUNTS DOWN how long he’s ignoring Matt Whiner.
  • I’m so glad he still doesn’t fist bump him now.
  • I’m so glad Matt still tries to defend himself by claiming that they did ultimately fist-bump, a statement Shaq responds to with complete silence.
  • I’m so glad his last name is Whiner because it makes my job that much easier.

6. Andre DRUMMOND +100

What??? Shaq really DID have a sixth play, I take it all back!

This is even better because it means that Shaq included the Matt Whiner bit just for the hell of it. He already had his five NBA clips, but he went out of his way to make a point. Incredible. Just think about the fact that these guys are making Shaq look good right now.

Anyway, we all know that Shaq loves showing clips of big men who don’t quite live up to his standards of pure finesse and skill. Big men who haven’t yet mastered the fundamentals of the game, like foul sh–

-it.

SUSPENDED:

Shaun LIVINGSTON +20: Dirk’s dick.

Thanks for hanging out with us, guys, and good luck in the last week of the playoffs!

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