Hello Internet, Suit here. One day, Nut and I were in my kitchen making smoothies. We used spinach, kale, strawberries, blueberries, peaches, a banana, and milk. Nut said to me, “That’s such a well-rounded smoothie.” Having gone to the Golden State Warriors game the night before, I replied, “Yeah, it’s like the Warriors of smoothies.”
And that’s when we realized — my beloved New York Knicks are a total shit smoothie.
From that point on, we had to figure out what the other teams would be as smoothies and then share it with you. We decided that each ingredient would correspond to a player and hopefully represent certain qualities about them.
Originally we planned for this to be an end of the season article to kill dead time before the playoffs, but then we had a glorious insight: THE DRAFT ADDS A CORNUCOPIA OF NEW INGREDIENTS. Though it has made some roster designations difficult, as we had to assume all FAs return to their teams, adding draft picks as the “missing ingredients” was too perfect to pass up.
So we hope you like the article, and highly recommend you don’t make 90% of these smoothies. We’ll start with the Golden State Warriors, the best smoothie in basketball, and work backwards through the first round.
Golden State Warriors
“The Bae Area”
And he’s not even the cutest Curry kid.
PG Steph Curry: Cookies-and-cream-flavored protein powder – A completely unique “glitch in the system” amirite Zach?
SG Klay Thompson: Strawberries – Delicious. Sweet. Could improve almost any smoothie.
SF Harrison Barnes: Blueberries – Shows a nice sweet touch (from outside).
PF Draymond Green: Banana – Pulls everything together, and subtly enhances the other flavors.
C Andrew Bogut: Kale – A great choice. Good for you, and blends in really well.
Bench: Daily multivitamin – A little bit of everything you need.
Chef Steve Kerr: Borrowed a VITAMIX from Pop and somehow worked it flawlessly on the first try.
SUIT: I’d eat this smoothie for every meal, every day.
NUT: I’m 90% sure you already do.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Not much, it’s already basically perfect. But they might add in even some blueberries for even more sweet shooting by picking up ANTHONY BROWN.
SMOOTHIE RATING: A+
“Ice Ice Baby”
This is the franchise highlight of the past three years.
PG Deron Williams: Milk – This smells right on the edge of spoiling forever.
SG Bojan Bogdanovic: Ice – Takes space up and waters shit down, for now.
SF Joe Johnson: Milk – Seriously, can you take a whiff of this?
PF Thad Young: Pineapple – Potential to be awesome, but disappears in this shitshow.
C Brook Lopez: Bruised banana – Still good despite physical damage.
Bench: Ice – Seriously, there’s nothing of value here.
Chef Lionel Hollins: Manually churning.
SUIT: I can’t wait to see this smoothie in three years.
NUT: Needs more ice.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: It’s basically a White Russian, hold the alcohol. And that’s kind of perfect, so we don’t want this team to improve in any measurable way. We’re gonna give them CHRIS McCULLOUGH and pretend he’s ice and forget about this team for months at a time again.
SMOOTHIE RATING: 0-for-82
“Pope Brad Stevens”
Wow, I suddenly like the Celtics again!
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: They’re picking twice, so we’ll talk more about them later. But they probably pick up a pineapple like JARELL MARTIN here – he shows real promise, and could turn out to be really sweet, but in the wrong mix pineapple just disappears completely. More on these guys later.
Los Angeles LAKERS
“The Last Airbender”
Pictured: Your 2015-16 Los Angeles Lakers.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: We really hate the Lakers, but they can probably get some tequila like TERRY ROZIER here at the end of the first round. More on them later, Cali bros. They’re in the lottery, remember?
San Antonio SPURS
Who could have seen this coming?
PG Tony Parker: Kale – You can never have too much kale.
SG Danny Green: Kale – You can never have too much kale!
SF Kawhi Leonard: Kale – You can never have too much KALE.
PF Tim Duncan: Dinosaur kale – It’s cool they have that.
C Tiago Splitter: Kale – IS THIS ENOUGH KALE YET?
Bench: Kale Sandwich – Oh my God you must be sooo healthy!!
Chef Gregg Popovich: Invented the VITAMIX.
SUIT: “I slam dunk when it’s necessary.”
NUT: That’s a lot of kale. Wait, how are San Antonio women fat?
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: We actually really like the Spurs, and it makes total sense they would inexplicably get a steal in the draft despite their horrible pick position. Maybe they’ll even change things up — go for someone kind of stupid, or less than perfect. And then DELON WRIGHT could be this team’s cool cucumber on the end of the bench.
SMOOTHIE RATING: DNP-Rest
“The Tony Allen Travel Dance”
PG Mike Conley: Blackberries – Packed with antioxidants!
SG Courtney Lee: Blueberries – Let’s throw in some sweetness.
SF Tony Allen: Blackberries – Packed with antioxidants!!!
PF Zach Randolph: Pomegranate – Awesome inside, under a gruff exterior.
C Marc Gasol: Seasoned kale chips – This veteran is marginally more exciting than kale.
Bench: Blackberries – You can never be too careful.
Chef David Joeoroerger: Operating a Chinese-knockoff VITAMIX.
SUIT: This smoothie looked a lot better not too long ago.
NUT: There are seasoned kale chips? What the fuck Suit?
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Is this even a question? The Grizzlies have a clear weakness – while very tough and hard-nosed, there’s just not enough sweet shooting to go around. So naturally, we recommend even more defense. Welcome to the club, MONTREZL HARRELL! You’re human blackberries!
SMOOTHIE RATING: B+
Pictured: All two weeks of the LeBattical.
PG Kyrie Irving: Cinnamon – A little something extra to start out.
SG J.R. Smith: Tequila – I have to explain this? Have you ever seen J.R. Smith??
SF LeBron James: A One-Man Smoothie – You do own a television, right?
PF Kevin Love: Banana in a fridge – Get him out of that fridge, STAT! You’re MISUSING HIM! Just kidding.
C Timofey Mozgov: Kale – It may be green but it’s also good for you.
Bench: Kiwifruit – Outback Jesus is the Reason for the Postseason.
Chef David Blatt: Asks LeBron twice before turning the blender on.
SUIT: I’m so glad this smoothie didn’t win with ten ingredients missing.
NUT: This smoothie is less fun the second time around.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Not much, but you can always use more shooting, even at the end of your bench. I mean more sweetness, even at the end of your recipe. RASHAD VAUGHN (blueberries) satisfies on both counts. This smoothie is looking spooky Cavsbro. Consider us spooked.
SMOOTHIE RATING: A-
Apr 15, 2009, never forget.
PG Damian Lillard: Cinnamon – Oooo what a great kick.
SG Wesley Matthews: Blueberries – Sweet, and yet tart.
SF Nicolas Batum: Grapefruit – Kinda surprisingly gross.
PF LaMarcus Aldridge: Vanilla-flavored protein powder – Wow so good but it’s not surprising everybody forgets about him.
C Robin Lopez: Kale – Great addition. Yawn tho.
Bench: Pineapple – A couple finicky pieces that work well in a good system.
Chef Terry Stotts: Re-reading blender manual, just to be sure.
SUIT: Why can’t this smoothie get over the hump?
NUT: This smoothie is always more fun in my imagination.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: This team is just a little too sweet all the time. How about some blackberries to add a mean edge? JUSTIN ANDERSON could be just that guy. Maybe the Blazers were a Justin Anderson away from the Finals.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B+
“Derrick Rose Meniscus Memorial Smoothie”
“Doctor, we just alienated a major U.S. market until the end of time.”
PG Derrick Rose: Bruised banana – =[
SG Jimmy Butler: Strawberries – Really solid fruit all-around.
SF Mike Dunleavy Jr.: Blueberries – Sweet touch.
PF Pau Gasol: Milk – There was no fruit that screams, so this will have to do.
C Joakim Noah: Lemon-Meringue-flavored protein powder – I think this is good, right? Uh sure, it’s pretty solid.
Bench: Strawberries – Actually very balanced overall.
Chef Fred Hoiberg: Uh, who?
SUIT: If all this food hasn’t expired, we’re in for a real treat.
NUT: I miss when Thibodeau stomped the fruit to death.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: For a smoothie known for its protective antioxidants, there sure aren’t enough blackberries. RONDAE HOLLIS-JEFFERSON is here to restore the order that was never lost. All defense, all the time. Take that, you hippie free radicals.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B+
“The Incline Benchless”
I AM. DIRK.
PG Rajon Rondo: Grapefruit – I definitely remember this being better. And not so fucking bitter.
SG Monta Ellis: Vodka – You take the good with the bad here.
SF Chandler Parsons: Mango – I mean this is good but not for 15 million dollars a pound.
PF Dirk Nowitzki: Spinach – Year in, year out, spinach ages gracefully (plz email me how spinach works.)
C Tyson Chandler: Kale – What a healthy choice!
Bench: Cottage cheese – What’s that smell.
Chef Rick Carlisle: Purées the food.
SUIT: If smoothies only required five ingredients, this would be great!
NUT: I just wish this smoothie had more point guards. Maybe six? Maybe seven?
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: After watching the situation in Dallas sour, we could really use some more sweetness. R.J. HUNTER can be the blueberries this smoothie so desperately needs. He could just be the connect for this team going forward (yes I know that pun was great you can email me $5 if you want.)
SMOOTHIE RATING: B-
“Runnin Through the 6 with my Smo”
“If you’re reading this it’s already All-Star 2016”
PG Kyle Lowry: Strawberry – Solid start.
SG DeMar Derozan: Pineapple – Because no fruit screams “long twos.”
SF Terrence Ross: Tequila – 51 proof.
PF Amir Johnson: Kale – Yay.
C Jonas Valanciunas: Kale – Woo-hoo.
Bench: Fuck it, more tequila – And we’ve ended up with a bitchy cocktail worthy of Drake.
Chef Dwane Casey: Put hands on hips and waits.
SUIT: Fuck Drake.
NUT: This smoothie is two years away from being two years away.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: You know what? JERIAN GRANT. More tequila.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B-
“The Long Two”
PG John Wall: Strawberry-flavored protein powder – The heart and soul of this smoothie.
SG Bradley Beal: Bruised blueberries – Please be okay.
SF Paul Pierce: Milk – Talk about a perishable good.
PF Nené: Brown banené – Its best days are a distant memory.
C Marcin Gortat: Cucumber – Big and I forgot it was in there.
Bench: Ice – So your smoothie slowly turns into water by the start of the second quarter.
Chef Randy Wittman: Forgot to put the top on.
SUIT: This smoothie is best enjoyed just inside the three-point line.
NUT: When it says “Message seen” but she don’t reply.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Chef Randy started to pull things together in the playoffs, but this conventional, old-school smoothie is less turnt than a soccer mom at practice. Cue tequila. KEVON LOONEY can add the kick that this smoothie might lose at any minute once the milk turns.
SMOOTHIE RATING: Dammit Randy
“Midrange is Lava”
Not pictured: giant red stop sign at the free throw line.
PG Patrick Beverley: Blackberries – Protective goodness.
SG James Harden: Strawberry-flavored protein powder – Now we’re cooking.
SF Trevor Ariza: Blueberries – Adds a sweet touch.
PF Terrence Jones: Pineapple – Great when used well.
C Dwight Howard: Bruised banana – Still pretty good after all the beatings.
Bench: Pineapple – Really brings everything together nicely.
Chef Kevin McHale: Uses mathematically-efficient, asset-oriented blender at 39.2% power.
SUIT: I hate watching this smoothie take foul shots.
NUT: I love watching these foul shots make smoothies. Sorry what
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: The Rockets have their recipe down, and they’re super ballsy to go all-in on the math. But this team could use just a little bit more stupid. Introducing human tequila, TYUS JONES! Tyus helps kick this party up a notch, and lessens Houston’s reliance on human spoiled milk at either of its guard spots.
SMOOTHIE RATING: A-
“GOD BLESS AMERICA”
This is Giannistly the proudest I’ve ever been to be an American.
PG MCW: Cheap tequila – Abandon all hope ye who mentor here.
SG Khris Middleton: Strawberries – What a great building block going forward.
SF Greek Freak: Dragonfruit – I don’t know what this is but I’m very aroused.
PF Jabari Parker: Strawberries – Sweet future ahead.
C Zaza Pachulia: Lettuce – Meh.
Bench: Peaches – Fun and okay.
Chef Jason Kidd: Allegedly stole company VITAMIX.
SUIT: This dragonfruit is gonna be so awesome!!
NUT: WOO Michael Carter-Millions baby.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: After some serious retooling, this smoothie is finally starting to come together under the direction and subterfuge of Chef Kidd. Let’s just get a mild upgrade inside from lettuce to kale. We think BOBBY PORTIS could be just the piece to push the Bucks into the playoffs.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B
“Pope Brad Stevens”
“We miss you Bill Simmons.” –Pope Brad Stevens
PG Marcus Smart: Blackberries – Protective. Mildly sweet.
SG Avery Bradley: Blackberries – Double dipping.
SF Evan Turner: Cheap tequila – If anyone could transform this it would be the basketball pope.
PF Brandon Bass: Kale – The unsung smoothie hero.
C Tyler Zeller: Avocado – This looks good, right? Hard to tell.
Bench: A tiny 5’9 clove of cinnamon – Mmm mmm mmm.
Pope Brad Stevens: Blesses the fruit: OMNIBUS.
SUIT: This smoothie can only get better with the home-grown produce soon to come.
NUT: OMNIBUS OMNIBUS I’m having a lot of fun.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Honestly, you’d like a little more flavor from the big guys, and Stevens is a reliable chef. You can go for something risky like pineapple, and so MYLES TURNER becomes a very viable option. This smoothie is for real, tequila and all.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B
“Pacman Fruit Special”
OH MY GOD WE’RE FREAKING OUT THESE ARE SO COOL
PG Jeff Teague: Kale – Boring, but a solid start.
SG Kyle Korver: Blueberries – Important to balance that with sweetness.
SF DeMarre Carroll: Blackberries – Healthy, I guess.
PF Paul Millsap: Spinach – Super healthy and you won’t even be able to tell it’s there.
C Al Horford: Strawberries – Reliably delicious.
Bench: Pineapple – Lots of exciting pieces that work because the smoothie is so well-balanced.
Chef Mike Budenhoelzer: Stole VITAMIX patent from Gregg Popovich.
SUIT: The best smoothie on the east side of the Mississippi.
NUT: The fifth-best smoothie on the west side of the Mississippi.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: This smoothie looks super good on paper, exactly like the Atlanta Hawks. If anything, it’s just missing a real smoothie “personality” — there’s no dominant flavor — but we can start turning that around right now. It’s the draft night! Anything is possible! Of course, the Hawks are too afraid of tinkering with what they’ve got, so instead we have them adding more kale with TREY LYLES. Yay what a solid smoothie, see ya in the Conference Finals.
SMOOTHIE RATING: A
Oklahoma City BLUNDER
“The Seattle SuperSonic”
“The operation was a success, but the patient died.” Thanks Doctor Barkley!
PG Russell Westbrook: Six scoops of rocky-road protein powder – You’ll be farting for days.
SG Dion Waiters: Cheap supermarket tequila in a plastic bottle – A liquid moron.
SF Kevin Durant: Mom’s smoothie – If only the smoothie playoffs were one-on-one.
PF Serge Ibaka: Spinach – What a great addition!
C Enes Kanter: Cucumber – Really big, and I don’t like cucumbers.
Bench: Free tap water – Why spend money when you could not spend money??
Chef Billy Donovan: The last guy was basically stabbing the food with a knife, so this has to be an improvement.
SUIT: Fuck the medical training staff of the Oklahoma City Thunder.
NUT: “Can our players pay us?”
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Obviously this smoothie has some great ingredients, including a complete, delicious smoothie put together by Mom, but somehow management fucked it up anyway. In line with who the Thunder are as an organization, we think they should go for CAMERON PAYNE, because God knows this team needs another fourth cucumber on the floor that you forget about for minutes at a time.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B
“The Front Office Freeze”
Moments before this team was ripped apart.
PG Eric Bledsoe: Strawberries – Solid.
SG Brandon Knight: Strawberries – More? Um, ok. I’m sure this was part of a plan.
SF P.J. Tucker: Cranberries – Good for you but not super sweet.
PF Better Morris: Spinach – This has got to be more exciting than kale.
C Alex Len: Cucumber – Oh yeah I forgot about him.
Bench: Pineapple – Good sometimes, very dependent on smoothie composition.
Chef Jeff Hornacek: Bought a $500 juicer off Craigslist. It almost blends through every year.
SUIT: This smoothie should never wear those fucking gray uniforms.
NUT: Oops I unplugged the juicer with one second to go.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: You know what this organization needs? A headcase with potential! Introducing KELLY OUBRE, a great young banana the Suns will no doubt alienate in the next 3-5 years, eventually allowing the bionic Gregg Popovich to turn him into a key contributor on the 2021 champion Spurs. This is actually getting really depressing, sorry Suns fans. We feel your pain, both past, present, and future. It’s a good smoothie!
SMOOTHIE RATING: B-
“Jazz is a sin” JK plz don’t leave comments.
PG Trey Burke: Green banana – Maybe this will get better soon!! Maybe?
SG Dante Exum: Avocado – This may be good already, but I can’t tell.
SF Gordon Hayward: Strawberries – Okay those look fine.
PF Derrick Favors: Spinach – A super strong addition.
C Rudy Gobert: Blackberries – Packed with anti-oxidants to protect you.
Bench: Ice – Just waters it down.
Chef Quinn Snyder: Yells at food until it comes together as a cohesive, winning unit.
SUIT: God, those strawberries have great hair.
NUT: I bet Mormons can’t even eat half of these foods.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Gimme that fair-skinned sweetness and everything will be just peachy. FRANK KAMINSKY is a perfect fit for obvious reasons if you’ve ever visited Utah, but the less we say here the better. Not a bad smoothie though.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B-
“Boredom ft. Paul George”
“It will never be the same without you, Lance.”
PG George Hill: Cucumber – “I forgot I put this in.”
SG C.J. Miles: Celery – Ugh.
SF Paul George: Vanilla-flavored protein powder – Promising, if a little plain.
PF David West: Kale – =\
C Roy Hibbert: Kale – -_-
Bench: Lettuce – Gross.
Chef Frank Vogel: Operating a Japanese-knockoff VITAMIX.
SUIT: This smoothie is so boring I hope it doesn’t make the playoffs.
NUT: But Suit, it has vanilla flavor!
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Gains points by default for existing in a conference with few smoothies to begin with, but utterly lacking in style. Just a tiny step in a different direction could help. Some blackberries could add protective antioxidants without making things taste too yummy. We think WILLIE CAULEY-STEIN could be a good fit in this Eastern Conference grindhouse smoothie! Have fun Pacers fan(s)!
SMOOTHIE RATING: C-
“Hmm, I’ll take M.J.”
PG Kemba Walker: Tobasco – Spicy, with a clutch late kick. Weird fit in a smoothie though.
SG Gerald Henderson: Ice – I didn’t even notice you over there making my smoothie runnier.
SF MKG: Blackberries – So many antioxidants.
PF Marvin Williams: Lettuce – If only this were kale. Did I just say that?
C Al Jefferson: Kale – The best part of this smoothie is still not really sexy.
Bench: Ice – Although maybe Matt Barnes was the missing piece all along!
Chef Steve Clifford: Bought a small blender from Target.
SUIT: Well, at least it’s not the Bobcats smoothie.
NUT: Michael Jordan sucks at grocery shopping.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: A sweet touch, and how. We think DEVIN BOOKER (blueberries) could really help out as the team’s only consistent long-range shooter! This missing link is coming Charlotte fans! There’s NO WAY Michael Jordan fucks this up again!
(By the way, you know all these stories about how M.J. could beat his players one-on-one? Isn’t that ultimate Jordan snapshot? GOAT player, WOAT owner. He’s even impressively unimpressive.)
SMOOTHIE RATING: D
PG Goran Dragic: Strawberries – We’re off to a good start.
SG Dwyane Wade: Bruised banana – He can be so good though.
SF Luol “Literally Cash Money” Deng: Plantain – That’s like a shittier banana right?
PF Chris Bosh: Gunnera manicata – It’s dino food, do you get it? Bc Chris Pratt got it, high five hundred million dude.
C Hassan Whiteside: Avocado – Looks promising, hard to tell until it’s too late.
Bench: Just a shitload of old, bruised fucking fruit.
Chef Erik Spoelstra: Served as video coordinator for VITAXMIX commercials for years.
SUIT: They keep finding great deals shopping at the D-League.
NUT: There is so much potential here, please keep everybody.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: A little depth and thickness wouldn’t hurt, you know? We have great flavors and nutrition, but we could use some heavy cream. Enter SAM DEKKER, the savior of the Miami Heat. Total Riley move. If everything comes together here we could have a delicious, nutritious smoothie on our hands. It could also be a disaster. Never tried dino food before.
SMOOTHIE RATING: B
“The Fucking Wall”
“I’ll take two.”
PG Brandon Jennings: Tequila – Usually pretty ugh, but sometimes great.
SG KCP: Cranberries – Just lacking a bit of sweetness for me.
SF Cartier Martin: Ice – Fills space.
PF Greg Monroe: Kale – A weirdly sexy pick right now to be honest.
C Andre Drummond: Spinach – Like 5% cooler than kale?
Bench: Just a bunch more ice.
Chef Stan Van Gundy: Tells the fruit to shoot more threes.
SUIT: Who the fuck is Cartier Martin?
NUT: How is Detroit is still a city?
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: We are dangerously close to being a margarita slush. Sure, we’ve got some greens going on, but there’s also too much ice. We need something a little different, like a banana. HELLO STANLEY JOHNSON! Again, bananas just help your smoothie get all the little things right, and that’s what we see in Stanley. Congratulations Detroit! You’ve found the recipe for mild Eastern Conference competitiveness.
SMOOTHIE RATING: C
YOUR Denver Nuggets!!
PG Ty Lawson: Vodka – You take the good with the bad.
SG Randy Foye: Blueberries – Sweet shooter.
SF Danilo Gallinari: Bruised blueberries – He’s still probably fine.
PF Kenneth Faried: Soy protein – Not quite as good for you as you’d think.
C Jusuf Nurkic: Avocado – Well, that doesn’t match. A post-up center? I mean, a fleshy vegetable?
Bench: Pineapple – Can add great taste, but sometimes goes unnoticed.
Chef Michael Malone: Might actually turn this into a smoothie.
SUIT: I thought this soy protein was supposed to taste better.
NUT: Maybe Ty Lawson is reading about how he’s vodka on reddit.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Smirnoff Ice is pretty far away from being good vodka, but with a couple changes you might actually get a good smoothie out of it. It’s just missing a little oomph, and maybe that’s just the body and thickness that we could add with a dash of some protein powder. Hey, EMMANUEL MUDIAY is on the board, and maybe he gives you a bit more dynamic playmaking from the backcourt! I mean a healthier, thicker smoothie. There’s some hope here.
SMOOTHIE RATING: C-
EVERYONE ACT EXCITED if you like your jobs.
PG Darren Collison: Dark chocolate – Good in small amounts.
SG Ben McLemore: Avocado – It’s really hard to tell whether this is good yet.
SF Omri Casspi: Blueberries – That sweet, sweet shooting.
PF Rudy Gay: Strawberries – He’s become a very reliable standby.
C DeMarcus Cousins: Pomegranate – Exotic. Unique. Tough shell but delicious once you get through.
Bench: Sauce Castillo-Brand Hot Sauce, which makes it all taste like shit.
Chef George Karl: Has blended over 1,000 delicious VITAMIX smoothies, but suddenly wants to start baking cakes.
SUIT: I still believe.
NUT: Who put hot sauce in my smoothie? And why is Chef Karl shattering it on the ground?
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Hey guys, Nut here. First of all, I hope they keep Boogie. Otherwise, my DeMarcus Cousins shrine will slowly get covered with Lakers Cousins pictures a la Toy Story. It’s all so unexpected. Anyway, assuming continue to build around their 24-year-old All-NBA pomegranate, this smoothie just needs a little more sweetness off the bench. Nik doesn’t cut it for me. But MARIO HEZONJA has the pineapple-type potential to develop under George Karl into a kick-ass, take charge kinda ingredient. Remember, Karl can actually help develop young talent. We’re not that far away from something special.
Except we totally are. If the Ranadelicious pun weren’t so great, this drink would be called “Snakes on a Plane to L.A.”
SMOOTHIE RATING: F————
“Authentic Homemade Guacamole”
Once again…I’m still not convinced these guys are trying to make a smoothie.
PG Elfrid Payton: 1 Haas Avocado, Halved, Seeded, and Peeled – Solid piece, I guess.
SG Victor Oladipo: 1 Haas Avocado, Halved, Seeded, and Peeled – It’s getting a little thick.
SF Tobias Harris: 1 Lime, Juiced – Shaq might say he’s a little over-juiced really.
PF Channing Frye: 2 Roma Tomatoes, Seeded and Diced – Yeah this isn’t gonna be a smoothie is it.
C Nikola Vucevic: 1 Haas Avocado, Halved, Seeded, and Peeled – Goddammit.
Bench: An array of tasty spices including cumin, kosher salt, and cilantro!
Chef Scott Skiles: The perfect cultural fit.
SUIT: I’m so glad they don’t have a Hispanic chef at the helm anymore.
NUT: Yeah we would have looked really racist.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Let’s start slowly transitioning from guac into something a bit more smoothie-like. JUSTISE WINSLOW could be this team’s young banana, giving you a bit of everything — texture, taste, consistency — who starts turning you along that path. Sure, the transition from guac to smoothie may not be the smoothiest (sorry), but we’ve got to start somewhere. In the meantime, though —
SMOOTHIE RATING: D+ (as a smoothie.)
New York KNICKS
“How’s it Goink”
“When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie that’s Porzingis”
oh yeah spoiler warning the Knicks are totally gonna fuck this up in a hurry.
PG Jose Calderon: Milk – Good for a few more days?
SG Langston Galloway: Boysenberry – Because we don’t know what this is or what to expect.
SF Carmelo Anthony: Dark chocolate protein powder – Good, but it’s easy to have too much.
PF Lou Amundson: Lettuce – Even worse than kale.
C Cole Aldrich: Lettuce again – What a damning combo.
Bench: Ice – Takes up space, has no nutritional value.
Chef Derek Fisher: “A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.”
RIP PRIMO PASTA – btw, “Andrea” is such a girl’s name.
SUIT: This smoothie’s gonna be better after we go grocery shopping next year!
NUT: Look out Knicks fans, you’re drinking chocolate pasta.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: An identity going forward. Carmelo is already a borderline smoothie in his own right, but he needs help. Maybe something tangy and fresh that really stands out. Unfortunately, KRISTAPS PORZINGIS is probably none of these things. It’s official — we are really down on Porzingis. He’s kind of like a pineapple: maybe he’d be great in the right smoothie, but that is so not New York.
Maybe we’ll eat these words…but what do you think? If Porzingis becomes an All-Star we’ll make Nut eat chocolate pasta on camera, how about that? But the future looks Darko to us.
SMOOTHIE RATING: D-
“Hopefully this is wine?”
“We’ll find out in 12-15 years.”
PG Ish Smith: Table Sugar – An entirely fungible asset.
SG Robert Covington: Wine Yeast – An easily replaced asset.
SF Jerami Grant: Cork – Not an asset.
PF Nerlens Noel: 18 Pounds of Ripe Red Grapes – Hope for the future?
C Joel Embiid: Campden Tablet – We’ll learn what this does once it hits the court.
Bench: The entire second round of the 2015 Draft.
Chef Brett Brown: Amateur vintner looking to carefully let fruit fester until it possibly improves?
SUIT: What the fuck is a campden tablet?
NUT: You know what this smoothie needs? More wine.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: What started as a joke about needing to drink to watch 76ers games has turned into a weird metaphor about this organization’s total refusal to field a real team in the foreseeable future. Anyway, D’ANGELO RUSSELL is definitely the tangy dash of cinnamon this smoothie definitely needs. Please email us explaining how wine works.
SMOOTHIE RATING: A++ (prediction for ten years)
Los Angeles LAKERS
“The Last Airbender”
“He will begin to change hearts, and it is in the heart that all wars are won.”
PG Jordan Clarkson: Earth – Elemental force.
SG Kobe Bryant: Fire – Elemental force.
SF Wesley Johnson: Lettuce – Even worse than kale.
PF Carlos Boozer: Water – Elemental force.
C Ed Davis: Air – Elemental force.
Bench: Qi force – Because it doesn’t exist. Shoutout to R. Kelly tho.
Chef Byron Scott: Reading The Art of War.
SUIT: I tried to make this a smoothie, but Nut said no.
NUT: No. Once again I hope I’m not racist.
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: There’s not a lot of substance to this smoothie, but at least we can up the flavor. We recommend JAHLIL OKAFOR for a dash of cinnamon – exciting, but not necessarily super-healthy. Cinnamon lettuce. Bill Simmons snickers in the distance.
SMOOTHIE RATING: F+
“We’re trading Wiggins for Porzingis!”
PG Ricky Rubio: Honey – Aww
SG Kevin Martin: Blueberry yogurt – I hope this is still sweet.
SF Andrew Wiggins: Green banana – This could really become something good.
PF Kevin Garnett: Could you smell this old milk for me??
C Nikola Pekovic: Coconut – Hard on the outside…soft on the inside.
Bench: Cheap tequila – Almost always terrible, with unforgettable exceptions. Usually in the form of 50 pt games.
Chef Flip Saunders: Powering up a blender from a 90’s infomercial.
SUIT: This honey’s gonna taste good soon, right?
NUT: Could you smell this milk again?
THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: This smoothie has so much spoiling dairy and still-unripened fruit, so let’s put in something delicious we can trust from day one. RimStuff selects KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS to add a handful of delicious strawberries — a reliable smoothie standby with just the right amount of sweetness. Maybe things are on the up-and-up!!
SMOOTHIE RATING: D+
Los Angeles BITCHES
“Tough Flop Cough Drop”
“I bet you missed these fucking ads, huh?”
PG CP3: All-State-flavored protein powder – Mm tastes like selling out.
SG J.J. REDICK: BLUEBERRIES! SWEETNESS!
SF Lance Stephenson: Everclear – Don’t kid yourself, this was 1000% a bad idea. That’s also the alcohol percentage.
PF Kia Optima: Some slutty fucking ad.
C DeAndre Jordan: Beef jerky – High in protein, doesn’t raise insulin…and unhealthy in every other way.
Chef Doc Rivers: Microwaves everything.
SUIT: The Kia Optima gets an estimated 34 highway miles per gallon!
NUT: Starting at $21,690, the Kia Optima won the Kelley Blue Book award for great value!!!
AS A PERFECTLY CONSTRUCTED TEAM, The Clippers have elected to forego picking the first round of the NBA draft. How sporting of them.
SMOOTHIE RATING: 5-star Crash Rating
New Orleans PELICANS
“The Smoothie King Smoothie Center Smoothie Smoothie”
RIMSTUFF is inexplicably not sponsored by these guys.
PG Jrue Holiday: Tequila, smoothie.
SG Eric Gordon: Bruised lettuce, smoothie.
SF Tyreke Evans: Spoiled lettuce, smoothie.
PF Anthony Davis: Delicious birthday-cake-flavored protein powder, smoothie.
C Omer Asik: 7.3 ppg, kale smoothie.
Bench: Who the fuck cares, smoothie.
Chef Alvin Gentry: Bringing the Smoothie King Center to its feet.
SUIT: We might have gone too far in some places.
NUT: I don’t really like smoothies.
AS A PERFECTLY CONSTRUCTED TEAM, The Pelicans have renounced their first-round pick, presumably for basketball reasons.
SMOOTHIE RATING: 2.5 Smoothies Up
What a perfect way to end. Be sure to check out the draft tonight as all 30 NBA teams battle it out for Kristaps Porzingis.
Suit & Nut are writers for RimStuff.com and are the co-founders of the Chode League Fantasy Basketball league.