The NBA has sanctioned the Los Angeles Clippers for multiple academic violations, including lying to DeAndre Jordan about the contents of the Mavericks’ written contract, and generally failing to teach him how to read.
The penalties will keep the Clippers from the 2016 postseason. In addition, DeAndre Jordan will be forced to spend ten hours a week working on Hooked-on-Phonics.
From Steve Ballmer: “While we accept responsibility for violations, DeAndre Jordan has practiced reading hundreds of words per day with the organization. His overall technique looks solid, although the results have yet to manifest themselves in an actual literary context.”
The tone from the NBA itself was more stern. “The head basketball coach failed to promote an atmosphere of literacy within his program,” a spokesman told an anxious crowd of over 100 fully literate journalists.
When reached for comment, DeAndre Jordan himself was quietly grateful: “At least we didn’t receive the D-E-T-H penalty.”