Mike Previews: The Game of the Year, Nets vs. Lakers

I don’t always tank but when I do, I prefer dos and eighty.

Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for. Tonight, at 7:30 PM Eastern, NBA fans around the world can finally stop salivating because THE BROOKLYN NETS ARE SQUARING OFF AGAINST THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS. Oh boy, what better way to spend a Friday night than watching the two worst teams in basketball battle it out in a contest to see who can play less shittily for 48 minutes? Two winless teams enter, one team leaves with the ability to be labeled “The only win they have this season is against the Nets/Lakers.” To get fully prepared for this shitshow, let’s look at some stats for these two powerhouse candidates for “Team Most Likely to be Relegated to the D-League.”

Lakers Nets
They have played the statistically easiest schedule of any team thus far this year, but remain 0-4. They are the worst team in New York, which is a city that is also home to the New York Knicks
Against this weak schedule, they have given up an average of 117 points per game Opponents are shooting 42% from 3 against the Nets, which is almost double their 3PT%
Byron Scott is on pace to double the previous record of fans asking “What the fuck is he doing?” previously set by Byron Scott in the 2014-2015 season. They don’t possess their own draft pick for the next three years
In the 13 of the 22 team stats the basketball-reference.com lists, the Lakers are in the bottom-10 in the league. Jay-Z is rapidly approaching the need to look at you like “this shit gravy” in response to the Nets going 0-82
Jack Nicholson’s superfan game is vastly inferior to Spike Lee’s The only player on the team with a positive win share statistic is Brook Lopez, who boasts a blistering 0.6 WS.
Kobe Bryant, a career 33% 3-Pt shooter, is shooting 20% from 3 and has attempted more 3s than 8 Lakers have attempted field goals. In 16 of the 19 “Team Miscellaneous” stats recorded by basketball-reference.com, the Nets rank in the bottom 5 in the NBA.
Los Angeles is not known for its lakes Andrea Bargnani is on the roster
They lead the league in Defensive Rating and Turnover % (which are not things in which a team wants to lead) It is not clear what looks worse: Lionel Hollins’ fingers or this Nets team

So grab some friends, copious amounts of alcohol, and a laughtrack, because those things are the only way to make watching this heated battle a somewhat bearable experience. Tune in tonight to see Kobe vs Joe Johnson, Scott vs Hollins, and Sacre vs Bargnani in a contest between Worst and Somehow Worse Than That. The NBA, where amazingly terrible happens.

The NBA, where amazingly terrible happens.

P.S.: Check out this Bleacher Report blast from the past, featuring the saddest poll ever:

Not included: Satan.

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