One could say that the 76ers’ quest for their first win continues tonight, but that person would be wrong since Hinkie’s dream is for the Sixers to go 0-82 and look at you like “this shit gravy.” Philadelphia has made history by being the only sports franchise to lose 27 consecutive games, but tonight they face an equally terrible but incredibly more confusing Lakers team. This is the only game this year in which the Sixers are favored (53%) so let’s take an in-depth analytical look at both squads to try to determine who will prevail.
- The Sixers rank last in Points per Game, Offensive Rating, Turnover %, FG%, and Opponents’ Blocked Shots per Game (and they’re in the bottom 5 for so many more)
- The team’s two highest paid players (Javale McGee and Gerald Wallace) are not even on the roster anymore after being waived. The third-highest, Carl Landry, is out with an injury until January, and the fourth-highest paid player is anti-walking boot lobbyist, Joel Embiid.
- They have the draft rights to a player named Chukwudiebere Maduabum but for some godforsaken reason do not have him on the active roster.
- Robert Covington, who is 25 years old, is the oldest man to suit up this year
- Dario Saric’s goal is to avoid joining the Sixers until the 2017-18 season, where he can go full Mirotic and bypass the rookie-level salary scale.
- Jerami Grant spells his name with an “I” at the end like he’s a stripper.
- They have the second-worst record in the league, despite having the second easiest schedule thus far.
- The Lakers rank in the bottom 5 in the NBA for Offensive Rating, Defensive Rating, Opponents’ PPG, FG%, 3-PT%, 2-PT%, Rebounds per game, points per game, and more that I didn’t feel like typing.
- Robert Sacre has only played in 1 game this year (4 total minutes)
- Kobe Bryant is leading the team in assists per game with a blistering 3.4 apg
- Swaggy P “Nick” Young’s 3-PT% is more than twice that of Kobe Bryant’s
- Metta World Peace is getting more playing time than Ryan Kelly, Larry Nance Jr., Brandon Bass, Tarik Black, Anthony Brown, and more, despite being Metta World Peace.
This matchup allows us to see two great athletes fade away before our very eyes: one is a top 10 player of all time, and the other tried to sneak into a bar with a fake ID despite being a famous, underage basketball player. What a time to be alive.