Week 14 in Review

A fairly quiet week in Chode League, but that means no one will try to shut me up.

So can we finally talk about Captain Obvious? Not the character, but the actor. I did a little research (one Google search), and his name is Brandon Moynihan. Now here’s a guy whose IMDB page lists a bunch of shorts, starting in 2011. Having glanced over there, and read the first two paragraphs of his New York Times feature, I’m going to peg this guy as an ordinary dude — maybe he used to work in sales — who had a bit of a midlife crisis. Maybe he divorced his wife and moved to L.A., but now it’s all worth it because he gets to embody an internet joke from the nineties for a living. And once Shaq found out about this dude, he was all fucking over it, no questions asked. This dude is set for life, and all with 37 followers on tinder.

By the way, the campaign budget for Captain Obvious is between $40 and $50 million dollars, and will last five years. Five years?? JaVale will be retired by then. Or rather, he will forcibly be retired by all 30 NBA teams. Okay, onto the episode itself.

SHAQ
-100 Timofey MOZGOV This year, it seems Shaq really fuckin loves travels. It’s his new favorite bit of evidence that the NBA isn’t as fundamental as it used to be, back when you had to dribble uphill both ways to the basket. Here, Mozgov changes his pivot foot about five times, and definitely shows his place in the small-ball NBA of the future. That place is in Russia, so kudos to Shaq. But I have no idea what word Shaq repeats 3 times. Seems like the TNT crew didn’t know either, because no one reacts to the joke. “POCEBA?” If someone knows IPA symbols, please feel free to help me transcribe this “joke.”
-100 Jonathan SIMMONS So this was pretty tragic in real-time, in keeping with the whole game. Somehow, instead of watching Boogie’s franchise-record 56-point game, I suffered through a 30-point blowout. Or was it 60? Who cares. It really doesn’t feel like the Spurs will ever try in big games this season. Ah, the curse of already having a good enough record to be #2 in a West that suddenly looks sorta Eastish.
-100 Nerlens NOEL Whinnying loudly. Wait no, that would actually be Andre whinnying, right? Because he’s the horse? Listen, I love these creative intentional fouls. Danny Green before the inbounds pass, Nerlens Noel on the free throw rebound. I almost want to put up a Chode Point bounty for the most creative intentional fouling of Andre this year. Does pantsing count? What about a kiss? And the league is thinking of taking these small joys away from us?? Unbelievable.
-100 Drew GOODEN Still playing, but not really. That looked more like a back spasm as he tried to jump, which is really sad. But even prime Drew Gooden was shitty enough that we felt bad for LeBron. Like, everyone did — which is unbelievable to think about now. It just goes to show if Dan Fegan is your agent (Dwight Howard, Chandler Parsons, Mike Miller, Anderson Varejao) then maybe any amount of US currency is possible for any shitty person.
-100 Gary WHO? What? Oh he’s a Wizard now. Um, okay. Anyway, let’s talk about Randy Whitman’s reaction shot. Was that even on the same play? That dude just gave the look of a kid in a high school geometry class who just noticed the teacher accidentally left a test answer on the chalkboard during the test. Do they still have chalkboards in high schools anymore? And are you sure Randy Whitman is getting the most development possible out of Bradley Beal and Otto Porter?
FUCK
-100 Los Angeles CLIPPERS “Nah.” League CURSE

 

Well thanks for listening to me complain. Much love,

Commish

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