Last week, I enjoyed writing a whole bunch of words for my three friends to read. So welcome back, and let’s keep a (good?) thing going.
|-100||Carmelo ANTHONY||The Knicks are in disarray, there’s talk of shutting down Carmelo’s knee again, and life in New York is back to being loud and shitty. But you know what? This play just isn’t a great Shaqtin. Here, Melo blesses Curry’s forehead with an indelible Nash Wednesday mark. And what is Shaq’s response? Two loudly-delivered puns on the word “face” quickly written by his intern on a Starbucks napkin while waiting in line.
That’s not what Shaqtin a Fool was supposed to be. A true Shaqtin features an idiot doing a stupid thing. It’s a simple formula. But here, one NBA superstar mildly and inadvertently injures another. Way to…face the challenge. You Big Asshole.
Overall Shaqtin rating: 1/4 Shaqs
|-100||Marcus SMART||Kenny Smith (NBA 2k16 rating of 40 for Low Post Defensive IQ) isn’t convinced this is a flop. Kenny Smith is an idiot.
Marcus Smart is a histrionic animatronic, and this flop is a goddamned atrocity. Even Pope Brad Stevens has to cheese a bit, after about two seconds of nominal mock outrage and complaining. All in all, this play was not very…smart. See Shaq, anyone can write this level of smarmy bullshit.
Overall Shaqtin rating: 2/4 Shaqs
|-100||Jabari PARKER||Whoops, just a classic high-school move by that one kid who can’t quite dunk but dammit his dad is there in the stands so he’s gonna try. But let’s be fair — Jabari was set up for failure by fast break savant Michael-Carter-Williams. I can’t ever remember where the dash is in his name, but he can’t figure out whether he wants to throw a lob or shoot a floater, so I guess we’re even. Jason Kidd looks like he’s about to drop out of A.A. after that one.
Joke classiness rating: 1/4 Classes
Jabari’s a young kid, and still feeling his way in the NBA. He’s played less than a season’s worth of games! He’s three years younger than me! That was still kinda shamelessly stupid, and you can tell he knew it even as he hung from the rim.
Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs
|-100||LeBron JAMES||Cheap shot at LBJ here. We all know, based on our photographic memories of the Miami Heat SuperTeam™, that he has a weird tendency to sometimes miss open dunks. Remember in Miami when he missed 3 dunks over the course of a week and ESPN was all over it? He’s a pretty good bet for it — I’d say 96.6% — but only human.
But that’s just it. LeBron is an NBA superstar, and the physical archetype of an unstoppable athletic force. So does seeing him fail make this clip any funnier? Or does Shaq merely and inadvertently bring us face-to-face with James’ own limitations and, ultimately, mortality? He is the Chosen One, the tragic King who vowed to save his city, only to discover too late that he had murdered his father, and Delonte had slept with his mother. Though to be fair, I might have mixed the details up.
But Shaqtin is obviously better when we get to see a parade of fools that we feel have no chance of redemption, just clowning around for the old boys’ amusement. They’re stupid! They can’t help it! Oh look, it’s JaVale McGee and Dion Waiters again!! We point and laugh without any sense of regard for them as humans. On the other hand, LeBron is far too self-aware, and his legacy is becoming increasingly tragic in its overall inDecision, sensitivity to fortune, be it good or bad, and the weird fact that he suddenly seems to be going through a midlife crisis in a league that has totally morphed on him (and because of him) in the past three years. In the face of all this, is blowing a dunk funny?
Overall Shaqtin rating: 1/4 Shaqs
|-100||Matthew DELLAVEDOVA||Now this is a true Shaqtin. After decades of wearing black and silver uniforms, the Spurs’ ploy to convince opponents that there are eight referees on the court finally fooled someone. That someone is Matthew Dellavedova, a certifiable moron. But it gets even worse. Even if the ref he closes out on had been a Spur, that Spur would have been out of bounds and about twenty feet behind the play. That’s clearly an opponent who’s out of position to shoot a corner three. But Ginobili’s open now! So Matt’s error doesn’t even make sense if we step into his own bizarrely-misperceived reality.
Shaq has no qualms calling his defense crappy, and even Coach Tyronn Lue scratches his cheek with a middle finger. If all the world’s a stage, then Dellavedova is a shitty fringe player who will be out of the league in three years. Remember that I told you so.
Overall Shaqtin rating: 4/4 Shaqs
|-10||Houston ROCKETS||Bickerstaff bickering||Fined $10,000.|
|-20||Dwight HOWARD||Hitting on a ref||Suspended 1 game.|
|-100||Los Angeles CLIPPERS||“Nah.”||League CURSE|
Thanks for reading, and enjoy the rest of your week or whatever.