With our playoffs right around the corner, I’m updating things now to get the seeding right. But don’t consider these results final — something may still happen over the next 24 hours. So when Adam Silver nails J.R. Smith with a surprise $1,000,000 “idiot tax” at 11:59 p.m. tomorrow night, I’ll be only too happy to apply that sweet -10,000 IQ point penalty.

Well, a man can dream. So let’s get started.


-100 Carmelo ANTHONY Needless “rings” jab by Shaq, but even worse, we’ve already seen this play on r/nba. The best Shaqtins are surprises, and this one can’t quite measure up. Oh well.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Derrick WILLIAMS Not just a missed dunk — the airball aspect is pretty fun — but I’m more interested in the announcement of “Diesel’s Dunks of the Week.”

More seriously, this one is elevated by a great cut-away to Coach Rambis.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Jerami GRANT Was it a pass? A shot? A pass-turned-shot? Every time I’ve watched this clip I’ve upgraded my Shaqtin rating, so I’m going to stop now.

Yeah, using the Sixers as fodder is a bit easy, but check out that reaction from poor Coach Brett.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3.5/4 Shaqs

-100 “Nerlens NOELS” Thank God I didn’t give that last one 4/4, because THIS is what a 4/4 Shaqtin looks like.

First off, Shaq can’t properly pronounce Nerlens Noel’s name, throwing in an extra S at the end. I bet his intern told him to pronounce it as “Nerlens,” and then he got carried away.

Kenny’s proposal to watch entire Sixers games with the word Shaqtin in “the top left-hand screen” (???) draws us further into the senseless depths of a fool’s brain.

And then it happens: Nerlens Noel incomprehensibly throws the ball away, leading his beleaguered coach to scour at the arena replay in disbelief. At first, it’s a bit too strange to even draw a laugh.

But this Shaqtin is sold by the sound effects as multiple Isaiah Canaans pop-pop-pop into existence. I fucking love when Shaqtins receive a little CGI help.

Throw in Charles Barkley’s surpise at Nerlens Noel’s hair — accidentally revealing that he hasn’t watched the Sixers play since 2014 — and you have a perfect fucking Shaqtin.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 4/4 Shaqs

-100 Rajon RONDO ????????

Aaaand crickets. Shaq really knows how to end an episode with widespread confusion and zero laughs. That’s how the universe will end too — whimpering like a bitch.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 1/4 Shaqs

-15 Marcus SMART Fuck the Knicks Fined $15,000.
-100 Phoenix SUNS Chuck. League CURSE


Poor Isiah Thomas is boring. Where are the guys??

-200 James HARDEN That was way too easy. For Shaq, I mean, though I did enjoy the running chants of Olé. And since a pun on “running” would be too easy…

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Dwight HOWARD I’ve rewatched this several times and I still can’t figure out where Dwight thought he should be running off to guard. Again, this one is slightly hurt by being over-saturated on social media, but who is Shaq to own a Twitter acc–


Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Elfrid PAYTON Painful.

(Bad) ISIAH: “It’s hot, it’s hot.”
(Worse) SHAQ: “It’s getting hot in here.”
(Worst) ISIAH: “I don’t wanna hold to the basketball.”
(???) SHAQ: “It’s hot. It’s hot, chico, it’s hot.”


Overall hot rating: 4/4 hots

Overall Shaqtin rating: 1/4 Shaqs

-100 Tim DUNCAN “The Big Dumbdamental,” once again, looks incredibly petty for Shaq. I do like seeing Pop laugh this one off, though Tim’s kinda earned that by Year 18.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3/4 Shaqs

-100 Kendrick PERKINS Pro: Kendrick Perkins (literally a pro)

Con: Punchline is too early.

Con: Laughter is too obviously forced.

Con: Saying nothing for 15 seconds except “I wish I could translate that for you” isn’t how you end a segment like this.

Shaq kind of sucks at wrapping these up right now.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 1.5/4 Shaqs

-20 DeMarcus COUSINS Ain’t nothing but a King thing. Suspended 1 game.
-100 Phoenix SUNS Chuck. League CURSE

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