2018-19 Franchise Raffle Results!

Yay!

Atlanta Hawks – Gross/Parisi
Chicago Bulls – Chan
Cleveland Cavaliers – Mouser
Dallas Mavericks – Derek Gerberich
Indiana Pacers – Wang
Los Angeles Clippers – Tverye
Los Angeles Lakers – Koford
Minnesota Timberwolves – Matejka
Philadelphia 76ers – Fry
Sacramento Kings – Raun
Toronto Raptors – McClernand
Washington Wizards – Schubert

2018 Chode League Franchise Lottery Results

Congrats on your new teams, everyone:

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Chan: Milwaukee Bucks

Fry: Washington Wizards

Gerberich: Sacramento Kings

Gross + Parisi: Los Angeles Lakers

Koford: Chicago Bulls

Matejka: New Orleans Pelicans

McClernand: Minnesota Timberwolves

Mouser: Los Angeles Clippers

Raun: Golden State Warriors

Schubert: New York Knicks

Tverye: Dallas Mavericks

Wang: Charlotte Hornets

2017 #1 Draft Lottery Pick Acceptance Speech

HINKIE

12.2% my ass

It is an honor to be your Chode League champion this year. First and foremost, we would like to acknowledge Samuel Hinkie; his courage and vision are the reasons we are able to accept this championship today.

That said, we would have held our heads high regardless of the outcome because we had confidence in our decision making throughout the season. In a game of uncertainty, all you can do is make the choice with the highest expected payoff and the rest is left to chance. Given that we happened to get a lucky draw, we humbly accept the responsibility that comes with winning and promise that we will continue to value process over results.

-Lamar Chodom

FRANCHISE ACQUISITION RAFFLE

Here we go again:

Chan Cleveland CAVALIERS
Fry Toronto RAPTORS
Gerberich Brooklyn NETS
Gross/Parisi Oklahoma City THUNDER
Koford Miami HEAT
Matejka San Antonio SPURS
McClernand New Orleans PELICANS
Mouser Los Angeles LAKERS
Raun Los Angeles CLIPPERS
Schubert Sacramento KINGS
Tverye Milwaukee BUCKS
Wang New York KNICKS

Here’s our horrific 3-hour live commentary:

All Barnes Myself: On the Bench

Venezuela 69 – 113 Team USA

Harrison Barnes: 4p / 2r / 1a

The Venezuelans did a great job of controlling the flow and pace of a tightly-called half-court game, until they finally didn’t, committing back-to-back shot clock violations and eventually (gasp!) even letting the Americans leak out in transition unfouled.

So progress was slow. Team USA was tied after the first. They were up 22 at half. And with 1:04 to go in the game, up 44, Tom Thibodeau was still caught shaking his head in disgust as the Americans inexplicably allowed a difficult fadeaway three by Venezuela to pass through the gaping orifice of the rim, just one more element of a strainingly limitable but fundamentally irrepressible flow of exchange. Does anyone else think Thibs might have a classic psychosexual anal fixation?

Anyway, how did Harrison Barnes do?

Lowlight: [VNZ 42-63] Echenique 2nd Free Throw: Made (14 PTS) Q3-4:00

“I will go before thee” -Isaiah 45:2

As always, there were great nominees for this low-light. Was it Barnes missing a dunk? No.

How about shoddy no-man’s-land defense against the pick-and-roll? Nah.

What about missing a pushoff fadeaway, and then missing another putback dunk (to be fair, he got to the line this time)? Meh. These don’t yet approach the nadir of being Barnes for a day.

Obviously with a score so tight, Barnes didn’t check in during the first half. But as the Americans began to carve out their advantage, the all-time great broadcasting duo of Marv Albert and Doug Collins got a bit excited. Marv “Hooker” Albert began discussing alleged milkshake bets over on whether Team USA would win by fifty points, and it was clear that he had taken the under. Now here’s Doug Collins weighing in during a Venezuela free throw:

“Yeah, the one thing with Venezuela…how much energy are they gonna have in the fourth quarter, because the United States comes at you, you know, with so many different players. Uh, Harrison Barnes has not played tonight. The rest of the guys have all gotten into the game.”

Cue the instant cut to Barnes, which is now my desktop. Fucking devastating.

Highlight: [USA 101-61] Butler Layup: Made (16 PTS) Assist: Barnes (1 AST) Q4-3:53

“[L]ead me to the rock” -Psalm 61:2

The United States les by 31 points with 6:47 remaining in the game, and Coach K’s mental math finally indicated that Harrison was unlikely to lose by 5 points/minute. And he was right! In fact, Harrison earned four free throws during that stretch, and knocked all of them down.

But the apogee of being Harrison Barnes for a day was a beautiful, two-handed outlet pass to a streaking Jimmy Butler, who finished hard in transition. It was such a fluid motion, from rebound to toss to the hands of Jimmy, that I couldn’t help but think of Kevin Love.

It’s a good thing Harrison Barnes will be surrounded by other lanky, rim-running athletes in Dallas this year, and that’s why the Mavericks will pay him $951,075 more than K-Love in 2016-17 for his services.

I did like the pass though.

Harry looks to squash Serbia today at 5 pm central.

All Barnes Myself in Garbage Time

China 62 – 119 Team USA

Harrison Barnes: 8p / 4r / 1a

Despite a narrow failure to double up Team China’s score, the Americanos got off to a strong start in Olympic pool play. Kevin Durant had a signature stretch of slightly too-easy back-to-back-to-back threes in the second quarter, ominously portending the foreseeable future of NBA life.

Harrison was able to rebound from a slow start to post Olympic highs in assists, rebounds, and points. He threw another post entry, this time to Paul George for a tough turnaround. He grabbed uncontested rebounds and pushed the tempo in transition. And he missed an open three in the closing seconds of the game.

But really, how did Harrison Barnes do?

Lowlight: [CHN] Team Offensive Rebound Q2-2:27

“But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.” -Luke 6:49

FIBA insists that Harrison Barnes entered the game a full minute before this play, but honest to God, I watched this stretch three times and could swear he hadn’t checked in until he was lining up for Team China’s free throws. This play’s a bit of bad luck, really — it’s Harrison’s fault, but not all his fault. Still, he should have been more prepared.

Team USA lined up just three players along the key, with Harrison lingering at the three point line. Li Muhao missed his second free throw diagonally across from Kevin Durant, who was assigned to box him out. Harrison began inching towards the paint, but not quickly enough to prevent Zhai Xiaochuan from violently batting the ball off his leg and out of bounds.

We’ve discussed how Harrison Barnes’ hands rarely look active off-ball, and how he tends to glide around a bit aimlessly, never physically holding his position at either end of the court. It’s frustrating to watch such a long, hesitant athlete putter about in stop-motion.

Highlight: [USA 109-61] Barnes Cutting Dunk Shot: Made (4 PTS) Assist: Draymond Green (3 ASTS) Q4-4:06

“Give, and it shall be given unto you” -The Team USA Coaching Staff staring in respectful silence. (Also Luke 6:38)

Now here’s a man moving with grace and purpose:

Moments after not totally committing on help defense and giving up an and-0 layup, Barnes surveyed the floor, dribbled hard, crossed over, stepped back, and got Yi Jianlian off his feet. If we froze that instant, we might expect a player like Barnes to turn away and shield the ball as the play died down. Maybe he’d eventually pass it back out for a long Paul George three with four seconds left.

But that’s not what happened.

Instead, Barnes threw the ball to Draymond Green and ran into the middle of the paint before Yi Jianlian even hit the ground. Green passed right back, and Barnes got an easy flush, using two hands for safety.

If you’ve ever looked at a Harrison Barnes heat map, it’s all corner threes and shots at the rim. Hold on:

Okay, now you’ve seen it.

So if Barnes is looking to expand his role next year, he’s got to become decisive moving without the ball like this. He’s a good athlete and set shooter, so his ceiling as a cutter is, uh, through-the-roof.

Let’s hope for more of this from Harry-B.

Harry looks to vanquish Venezuela today at 5 pm central.