Ranking and Discussing Nike Jerseys for All 30 NBA Teams

Three years ago, the Suit & Nut team ranked and reviewed the jersey of each NBA team in the league. For some reason, Zach Lowe found it “fun” and tweeted about it. What better way to celebrate the NBA finally returning later tonight than to rank the new Nike jerseys the players will be wearing? As is standard practice for these articles, Mike (Suit) writes the blurbs and Ricky (Nut) writes the captions.

30. DETROIT PISTONS

Suit: The Detroit Piston haven’t changed their jerseys since 2001, and it shows.

Nut: Eminem is currently crafting his battle rap against us.

Fifteen other NBA teams have blue in their color scheme. Twelve other NBA teams have red in their color scheme. Three other NBA teams have red, white, and blue color schemes, and two of those (Wizards and Sixers) make sense (sorry, Clippers.) One NBA has teal in their scheme. The Pistons used to have teal as their primary color. THUS, THE EVIDENCE SHOWS THE PISTONS NEED TO BRING BACK THE TEAL. (They also should ditch the font that screams 2001 louder than Avril Lavigne.)

29. DALLAS MAVERICKS

Suit: Do the Mavs know it’s not 2002 anymore?

Nut: Mark Cuban still wants Dirk to try out Air Skechers.

The Mavs have always had an awkward shoulder stripe that looks out of place. Now, with the new cut of the Nike jerseys, it manages to look even worse. The Mavs need a rebrand BADLY. Like the Pistons, the font is incredibly dated, like someone still using “epic” to describe their party. The shade of blue they use must be called “Lifeless Blue.” The Mavs look horrible and have for some time, so for that reason, I’m out.

28. HOUSTON ROCKETS

Suit: Houston had one good jersey, and they fucked it up.

Nut: This is slightly better and it could have been worse thanks!

The Rockets removing the awkward shoulder swoops they had donned since 2003 was smart. Changing the trim on the neck to be thicker and adding trim around the sleeves are also improvements. Despite these positive changes, the Rockets uniforms are still some of the worst in the league. Keeping gray as the trim color despite white being the color of the font/numbers and the only other color in their logo will forever remain a mystery. Last year, they unveiled their black alternates and they were amazing. This year, they decided to make the neck trim red and the sleeve trim black. I’m sorry, WHAT?! That’s some “5th grader making custom jerseys for Create-A-Team mode in 2K” shenanigans right there.

27. NEW ORLEANS PELICANS

Suit: I will never forgive the Pelicans for not making their color scheme Mardi Gras.

Nut: The font is bad but local. The color is local but bad.

Despite Nike fixing some of the glaring issues their Adidas versions had (small lettering, enormous side panels, etc.), these uniforms are still painfully drab. Navy and tan is an incredibly dull choice for a team staring the Mardi Gras colorway in the face. The red ones are nice, but there are so many teams with red jerseys already. PLEASE GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY DESIRE MOST: A PURPLE, GOLD, AND GREEN COLOR SCHEME.

26. OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

Suit: Just wear those alternates for every game.

Nut: We’ve been saying this for a while but Thunder is, uh, not blue.

It’s no secret that OKC has some of the worst jerseys and by far the worst logo in the league. They sadly didn’t alter their home and away jerseys, but they introduced a new alternate for their Nike Statement jersey and it is an enormous step in the right direction. Is it a perfect jersey? No. Is it a bit bland? Sure. Does the design seem more fit for a Nike t-shirt than a jersey? Probably. But is it already the best jersey OKC has had in their entire franchise history? You better believe it, cupcake.

25. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS

Suit: They look better, but they literally could not have gotten worse.

Nut: These jerseys could have gotten worse, so I’m deducting points for low effort. Still want to see a Blue Screen of Death on one of these!

The bi-color neck trim is nice. Each leg of the shorts having a different trim is somewhat fun. The little horizontal stripes down the sides of the jersey is at least something. These jerseys aren’t ugly, but like the rest of their rebrand, they’re unabashedly boring. There’s no single element to the jersey that is exciting. How very Microsoft of them.

24. CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

Suit: Somehow, the Cavs have made me yearn for their previous jerseys

Nut: Straight fire, as in burning LeBron jerseys is okay now.

When the Cavs announced a rebrand this offseason, it was confusing. For a team that has changed its home court design four times in the past five years, one would hope they had finally settled on an identity. Removing their old and outdated logo made sense, but changing the font and adding black to the color scheme seemed nonsensical. The font is trying too hard to be edgy and lacks vision, and what is the point of adding black to a color scheme that already has navy blue? It was no surprise how atrocious their jerseys turned out given this rebrand, and somewhere in the distance Kyrie is thanking his lucky stars in the flat night sky.

23. ORLANDO MAGIC

Suit: Like the team the past decade, these are middle-of-the-pack at best.

Nut: They should do a Space Jam rebrand or something before Aaron leaves.

Modernizing old uniform designs can look great, take the Suns, Wizards, and Blazers for example. The Magic did a decent job of this when these uniforms first came out, but they are not aging very well. The wide pinstripes are an odd look, especially in how they fanout at the top of the jersey. The Nike versions made improvements to the side panelling and neck trim, but a rebrand would be ideal sooner rather than later. Changing the jerseys would make the team look better and helps fans forget that somehow every team involved lost the Dwight trade.

22. INDIANA PACERS

Suit: Never has a jersey so perfectly matched the excitement surrounding the team.

Nut: Time is a flat circle, and so is losing. Great thematic choice.

These jerseys aren’t gaudy, but they’re certainly not fun (astonishingly fitting for Indiana). The side panels are confusing, as they change shape, angle, and pattern as they move down the uniform. The circular arc of “Indiana Pacers” is unique and makes Indiana the only team donning their entire team name on their chest, so… nice? The Statement jerseys are actually interesting in that they remove the trim colors so that they’re only gold and blue, and perhaps going with this choice across all jerseys would give them a simplistic Nets look. These are forgettable jerseys for a forgettable team, and maybe it’s all part of their ownership’s plan to get us to forget they traded PG13 for Sabonis and Oladipo.

21. PHOENIX SUNS

Suit: Oh how the mighty have fallen…

Nut: The Sun has Set on our Way of Life.

The Suns’ look and branding has had a perplexing run the past few years. They continue to introduce new uniforms, modify old ones, and flip-flop on whether or not they want purple in their color scheme. These jerseys are more simple, but far less fun. They’ve lost all elements of their retro look (sun design, diagonal font, sun beams) and for some reason added cheesy 3-D lettering effects. Their black Statement jersey is nice, but it’s sad to see their previous jerseys which modernized their early-90s look go.

20. MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

Suit: They look as good as Chandler Parsons’ contract.

Nut: Baby blue is good, love the numbers. The other 97% is eh.

Memphis has a classic color scheme, but their decision to almost entirely abandon yellow from their jerseys results in a look that is a bit bland. The biggest issue with the jerseys is that the font has become stale and out of place. A minor change that could go a long way would be to reintroduce more yellow into the design of the jerseys. A major change that would significantly differentiate themselves from the rest of the league would be to BRING BACK THE TEAL. The Grizzlies had teal in Vancouver and in the early Memphis years, so why not bring it back? Introducing a throwback would be huge for Memphis’ fourth jersey, but until then, their current lineup of jerseys is showing its age like Grit n’ Grind.

19. BROOKLYN NETS

Suit: The collar trim not matching the side trim bugs me more than it should.

Nut: Clonetroopers wore drab, colorless uniforms, and were indistinguishable to many of the native species they served with.

Identical to the Adidas version, and thank goodness they are. The Nets have always stood out as the only team without a color scheme (because grey somehow counts for the Spurs?) and their jerseys fit this bill as well. Brooklyn stood out a bit more before nearly half the league introduced black alternate jerseys, so now they just look like another team with a minimalist design. Adding a patch to a jersey whose entire purpose is to be simplistic and without clutter isn’t ideal, but then again, neither are the contracts of Allen Crabbe and DeMarre Carroll.

18. UTAH JAZZ

Suit: BRING. BACK. THE PURPLE.

Nut: I don’t give a shit about the Jazz and also jazz music isn’t green.

These jerseys look fine, but they are being carried entirely by the Jazz’s logo, arguably the best in the NBA. The font used for their numbers and the stripes on the sides are both nice, modern looks, but they’re incredibly safe choices. The Statement jerseys are at least bold, despite not looking incredible. It’s always nice to see NBA teams take a risk for once, and this is the first time Utah has made gold the primary color of a jersey. There are rumors that their fourth jersey will be burnt orange, which sounds like it will either be amazing or terrible, much like the Jazz this season.

17. MIAMI HEAT

Suit: Starting to look a bit dated, but not a problem just yet.

Nut: Maybe the team that should most heavily consider TRON-style outfits a la Charlotte.

It’s astounding that Miami has not changed the look of their jerseys since the early 2000s, but still manage not to look out of place (looking at you, Mavs and Pistons). However, their look is starting to get a bit stale. The prime example is their red alternates; the “MIAMI” font just looks like it’s trying to be hip and edgy, which is a very 2000s thing to do. The HEAT don’t look bad, but they might want to stay ahead of the curve and look to change things up before they get stale (looking at you, Pitbull).

 

16. SAN ANTONIO SPURS

Suit: Nike somehow managed to make me like these jerseys…

Nut: Did you know a horseshoe looks like a capital letter U sort of hehe.

The Spurs made two minor tweaks in their switch from Adidas to Nike, but these changes resulted in major improvements. First, they removed the border around the lettering on the jersey, creating a crisp look. Second, they widened the white trim on the side-paneling of the jersey. Finally, they softened up the tone of the gray used on the uniforms. These three adjustments combined make the Spurs jerseys look more sleek and less muted and dull. That being said, the world is waiting for the Spurs to reintroduce teal, pink, and gold into their color scheme.

15. TORONTO RAPTORS

Suit: A corrected version of their last jersey, which was needed

Nut: I want more black and gold.

Every minor issue that existed with their last line of jerseys has been fixed. The side trim has been simplified, the wordmark has shifted up and away from the number, and the white of the trim pops more. Toronto already had quality jerseys, and these tweaks improve upon their solid foundation. Now if they would just reintroduce the purple lightning bolt dinosaur ones for their fourth jersey…

14. CHARLOTTE HORNETS

Suit: Jerseys are great, but have the purples been banished?

Nut: Still wanna know who crayons in those block letters.

Almost entirely untouched from their last iteration, save for a few tweaks in the rotation. The teals have now become the standard “away” jersey and thus say “Hornets” instead of “Charlotte.” Since the (FUCKING DOPE) retro teals have been released, I’m confused as to why the modern teals became a primary jersey. The retro teals should always be chosen over the modern teals, so why not keep the purples as the main away jersey? Purple is an under-utilized color in the league, so no team with purple as a staple in their color scheme should shy away from it.

13. SACRAMENTO KINGS

Suit: PURPLE! But why is everything so muted?

Nut: Regal yet understated. Bold yet powerful. Buddy Hield yet Skal Labissiere.

Having “SAC” on the jersey is bold. Making the “N” in Kings lowercase while the rest of the letters are capital is bold. Making purple your primary color is bold. SO WHY ARE THE COLORS OF THESE UNIFORMS SO MUTED? A true, deep purple would make these look incredibly regal. Instead, we are left with a jersey with a nice design that leaves more to the imagination. Still, props to the Kings for choosing a design and color scheme that fits their team’s moniker, which can be rare in the NBA.

12. ATLANTA HAWKS

Suit: They’re a bold choice, which instantly makes them better than half the league

Nut: Every time I see this pattern it makes me think of the Charlotte Hornets, which is actually great.

They remain mostly unchanged from their Adidas predecessors, but these divisive jerseys are bold in the best way. The triangle pattern is unique and modern, the font stands out, and volt green makes for an electric accent color. Not the perfect outcome, but it’s nice to see a team take a risk for once. The only time these jerseys look truly horrific is when Atlanta mismatches the color of the top with that of the shorts, so hopefully they’ll drop those shenanigans faster than they dropped Dwight Howard from their team.

11. DENVER NUGGETS

Suit: It’s like the Pacers stopped dating their old uniforms and Denver swooped in.

Nut: These are still good.

The Nuggets rebrand results in a painful amount of conflict. Their old jerseys looked nice, but the new jerseys look nice too. Their old jerseys made them stand out from the league, the new ones make them look like Pacers West. They kept the amazing yellow alternates, but they change the yellow alternates. Some changes to the yellow alternates are nice (better shorts design, adding retro font, improved number location), but others are disappointing (removing the semi-rainbow element hurts the homage to their perfect jerseys of the 80s). Objectively, the jerseys look nice despite the confusing pivot towards navy. Here’s hoping they wear the yellow alternates as often as possible.

10. BOSTON CELTICS

Suit: Good jerseys never ruined so fast (THAT PATCH! THAT PATCH! THAT PATCH!)

Nut: I would put that logo on the NBA’s first-ever Mandatory Headband. The Third Eye is a gateway to higher consciousness baby!!

An eternal classic jersey that has stayed mostly unchanged for good reason. It’s iconic, it stands out, and it’s timeless. However, the GE logo feels enormous and incredibly out of place. This was a bigger issue when teams like the Lakers and Knicks seemed like they were holding out, but now those teams have also caved and added sponsors. Unlike their fellow long-tenured teams rocking classic jerseys, the Celtics have always sported an attempted modern jersey that incorporates black, and they’ve always looked off. Boston’s black Statement jersey is no different and though it’s not horrible by any means, it’s certainly worse than their main jerseys. Ideally Boston treats these jerseys like Danny Ainge treated Isaiah Thomas and tells them to take a hike.

9. CHICAGO BULLS

Suit: Almost perfect, but a minor tweak looks off.

Nut: I think putting “HIT” on the back of every jersey was a misstep.

The Bulls’ jerseys are as timeless and iconic as the Jumpman logo. Miraculously, the Bulls’ front office didn’t add some other logo with an  abomination of a patch on the jersey. Upon first reveal, it appeared as if the jerseys were untouched, and the NBA world breathed a collective sigh of relief. However, this picture of… someone… on media day shows the jerseys were, in fact, altered. The “belt buckle” is modeled after the Chicago flag, which was one star for each of the major events integral to the growth of America’s 3rd largest city. That’s all well and good, but it looks strange since it breaks up the stripe of the waistband. The sentiment is nice, but the execution is not. Why not integrate it into the stripe so it doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb?

8. NEW YORK KNICKS

Suit: Nothing really changed, which is exactly what needed to happen.

Nut: Not enough Illuminati triangles.

The only change made to these jerseys from their Adidas version was updating the sleeve trim to match Nike’s design. The Knicks were one of the few teams to utilize a sleeve trim that did not cover the entire underarm to increase player comfort, and it has now become the standard design for Nike uniforms. So the Knicks I guess did something right for once? The jerseys have a timeless look much like their peers of Los Angeles, Boston, and Chicago, and thankfully Nike didn’t screw that up. The Statement jersey New York revealed is nice, but doesn’t differentiate itself from the Association jersey that much. Their best play would be to use the design of one of their amazing throwback jerseys for their fourth jersey, but this is the Knicks we’re talking about after all… so can we really trsut them to do anything right? (Editor’s Note: I am a huge Knicks fan and I vehemently stand by this question.)

7. WASHINGTON WIZARDS

Suit: The quintessential modernized retro look, but “washington” looks too small across the jersey.

Nut: A nice retro throwback. The font is starting to get weird.

The Bullets had some of the best jerseys in the history of the league, and Washington’s decision to incorporate that classic look into a modern design is smart. The trim, shorts, and stripes all look crisp with a color scheme that actually fits the team. The “Stars and Stripes” alternated Washington wore during the playoffs last year were incredible, so hopefully the fourth jersey will utilize design more reminiscent of our flag. The one area that looks off is “washington” on the red and blue jerseys. Being all lowercase looks odd and it seems too small on the jersey. Still, the Wizards have mastered the art of modernizing a retro team look, which is a foolproof design strategy. But what the hell do we know, Zach Lowe’s tweet of our rankings last year mentioned two things about the article: 1) it was fun 2)Washington ranked at #2 seemed “way too high.”

6. MILWAUKEE BUCKS

Suit: One of the best rebrands in history thankfully stays in tact

Nut: The dashes on the sides look like ribs.

When the Bucks shifted from their absurd green and red look to their new forest green and cream colors, NBA fans rejoiced. Their new logo, colors, and uniforms are impeccable, and thankfully none of that was lost in the shift to Nike. The Harley Davidson logo is HIDEOUS, but then again, none of the patches really look great. Milwaukee’s black alternates work, unlike those of other teams, because they look mean. These alternates prominently display their mean-mugging deer logo, which could make opponents “Fear the Deer” as much as broadcasters fear pronouncing Giannis’ last name. Overall, the Bucks’ main jerseys are what truly set them apart; a clean and crisp breath of fresh air in a league overrun with red and blue uniforms. 

5. LOS ANGELES LAKERS

Suit: You’re going to make a Lavar joke, aren’t you?

Nut: What a beautiful and classic jersey from a fine organization. Boy how Swell!

A classic jersey that was effectively unaltered. The Lakers have not changed the look of their uniforms in a while, and they shouldn’t since they have one of the most recognizable jerseys in the world. These jerseys have an updated side paneling trim, which won’t be very noticeable, but does look a bit more modern. These little tweaks are an essential element to preventing Los Angeles’ jerseys from looking outdated. A fan might not notice it incrementally, but when one looks back at the Frobe era jerseys, it sparks the question “The numbers used to look like THAT?” Thanks, Magic.

4. PHILADELPHIA 76ERS

Suit: Jersey design is all part of The Process™.

Nut: Can’t wait to see the Association Cast and Icon Splint accessories™.

Pulling off a good numbering/lettering outline is a feat achieved by few. The Hardway-era Heat is a prime example, and now these Sixers uniforms join their ranks. The Sixers improved upon already great-looking jerseys that fits the team name and the city of Philadelphia so well. From the side panels to the trim to the outlines, these jerseys are fresh all over. The Statement jerseys feature a font vastly different from any font used in the league, and creates a great retro effect. Regardless of which jersey they’re wearing and how many turnovers they’re committing, Philly will be looking good this year. Let’s just hope Joel Embiid gets to wear them more than 30 times…

3. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS

Suit: Minor adjustments turn great jerseys into incredible jerseys.

Nut: No complaints, aesthetic AF.

Portland is one of the few teams to never have a bad era of uniforms. They’ve avoided looking hideous by sticking to a theme and only ever making minor tweaks to their jerseys, and this iteration is no different. The large stripes on these Nike jerseys have a steeper angle, and it looks far more stylish and less like a poorly adjusted Miss America sash. The Blazers also removed the outline on the lettering of the jerseys and simplified the outline on the numbers, ditching the dated 3-D effect they had previously. Most notably, the font for every jersey has changed to the one used only in their red alternates last year. They’ve scrapped the italicized font, which was aging very poorly, and replaced it with one that is bold and more modern (C’mon Dallas and Detroit, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!). Also, HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THOSE STATEMENT JERSEYS.

2. MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES

Suit: MOST IMPROVED JERSEYS 2018

Nut: These look like an NBA 2k custom team jersey, and I think I like it?

Everything about these jerseys is fresh and unique. The horizontal bars, the design of the shorts, the roundness of the numbers… it’s all fantastic. Minnesota finally has a font that doesn’t make fans cringe, and they thankfully decided to scrap that muted teal/green/blue/whatever-the-hell color they were rocking before. The beauty of the jerseys perfectly matches the new and beautiful logo they unveiled this offseason. And people gave them flack, but the lime green jerseys are loud and I AM ALL FOR IT. Removing green entirely from their uniforms would’ve been a crime, and it’s good for an NBA to take a damn risk once in a while. You know, like trading away a proven star player for a point guard that shot 37% last year, a defense-averse shooting guard coming off an ACL tear, and drafting a 7 footer that rebounds like John Stockton in NBA Jam.

1. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS

Suit: The best team in basketball easily has the best jerseys as well.

Nut: After consulting with a Silicon Valley team of crack investor brain surgeons, the Warriors concluded their bridge thing is still good.

Just when you think they can’t get any better, they switch up their black alternates to pay homage to Oakland and they look FRESH. Not only is their brand of basketball gorgeous, but so are their uniforms. The rich get richer. (We would go into more detail but we ranked them #1 last time and the jerseys haven’t changed since aside from this amazing new alternate. Also, we know every media outlet will talk about them incessantly until they inevitably win the title this year, so let’s just shut up about how perfect they are and keep making fun of KD’s burner accounts.)

Mike (@Schubes17) is the Suit of Suit & Nut and the host of Potterless Podcast. Ricky (doesn’t use Twitter) is the Nut and Founder of Chode League.
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Marquese Chriss’ Per 36 Numbers are Astounding

Marquese Chriss’ stat-line of 5.9 PPG, 2.9 RPG, and 0.6 APG may not look very impressive at first glance, but a major component of his “disappointing” statistics is the fact that he’s only logging 15.3 minutes per game. When looking at his performance on a per 36 scale, a whole new story comes to light.

The most notable area of Chriss’ stats that take a jump when converting his numbers to per 36 is his fouls. His 3.0 fouls per game translates to 7.1 fouls per 36, which puts him at the top of the league for players who have played at least 10 games. More impressive are his technical foul numbers, which convert from 0.2 techs per game to 0.5 per 36. This puts Chriss far above the #2 ranked player in techs per 36, teammate Alex Len (0.33 techs per 36). Chriss is top 5 in flagrant fouls per 36 (0.05), but has a ways to go before he can reach league-leading Matt Barnes’ .058 flagrants per 36. A fun fact regarding Chriss’ fouling rate is that he has had more fouls than points in one third of his games this season. In 18 games, he has only had more rebounds than fouls 7 times.
marquese-chriss-big-board

Chriss, pictured above, realizing averaging 7.1 fouls per game is impossible

 

 

Chriss is also an elite turnover producer when looking at his per 36 numbers. His 3.4 TO per 36 is enough to earn him the #6 spot among power forwards and in the top 30 of all players. Finally, Chriss misses free throws at an incredible rate. His 53% from the free throw line puts him at 6th worst in the league, which is the same if you convert it to per 36 because that’s how math works.

Oh what about his other stats? Per 36, he averages 13.8 points, 6.8 rebounds, and 1.4 assists. These wouldn’t look so bad if it weren’t for his 7.1 fouls per 36 preventing him from ever reaching those numbers in a game, so yes, Marquese Chriss is trash thus far.

 

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is an editor for Chode League and the “Suit” of Suit & Nut.

 

This Week in Chodiness: Week 1

Each week, Chode League will recap the top 3 chodiest performances according to this formula. A chodey player is not necessarily a bad player, but rather one that plays in a way that is ultimately detrimental to his team. Think along the lines of that guy in pickup who shoots a ton, talks a lot of smack, and plays no defense. For reference, top chodes last year were Dwight Howard, Markieff Morris, and Devin Booker.

#1 DeAndre Jordan, 10/27 @POR, 56 Chode Points

Field Goals- 2/7

Free Throws – 2/10

Personal Fouls – 5

Technical Fouls – 1

deandre-jordan-ftr-010815-youtubejpg_f3lcu6tnks6u1d0pxy2wusuz3

An obvious culprit of DeAndre’s chodiness on the Clippers’ season opener was his atrocious shooting: 29% from the field and 20% from the line, giving him 31 of his 56 chode points. Fouls were the other primary factor in his night of stupidity, with personal fouls gaining DJ 20 points, and his technical foul earning him an additional 20. The technical received was for pushing Mason “I’m The Good” Plumlee into some fans seated courtside, causing a scuffle to ensue promptly afterwards. DeAndre Jordan is an interesting player when it comes to rating his chodiness by Chodeleague’s metric; he is a prime example of an “All or Nothing” chode. If he misses free throws and/or gets into foul trouble, one can expect a highly chodey output like he had this week. However, he also runs the risk of stacking up vast amounts of blocks and rebounds, or making most of his dunks shots. His 12 rebounds were the only positive of the evening, as he finished the game with only 1 block, 6 points, and 0 assists or steals. All in all, a nearly perfect storm of chodiness for DJ, making his performance against the Blazers the chodiest of the week

#2 John Wall, 10/30 @MEM, 53 Chode Points

Field Goals – 8/19

Turnovers – 5

Personal Fouls – 4

Flagrant Fouls – 1

Technical Fouls – 1

wall1207

Wall had a pretty solid performance against the Grizzlies (22 points, 13 assists, 1 steal, 1 block) aside from one key area: fouls. Wall fouled the cycle, notching both a flagrant and a technical foul. The technical was awarded for his retaliation against Kent Bazemore’s CHEAP AS HELL UNDERCUT ATTEMPT, which was justified given the dirtiness of Baze’s flagrant foul. Wall’s flagrant foul, which he received for hitting Vince Carter in the head on a layup attempt with 3:17 left in the fourth, was significantly more problematic. Not only was it an uncalled for hit, but it led to a 24-7 Memphis run to end the game. The flagrant earned Wall 30 chode points, and arguably was the galvanizing force behind the Grizzlies’ fourth quarter push to win the game.

#3 Kyle Lowry, 10/28 @CLE, 53 Chode Points

Field Goals – 5/16

Personal Fouls – 4

Technical Fouls – 1

Turnovers – 6

kyle-lowry1

The stats above paint a pretty clear picture of Kyle Lowry’s paltry showing against the Cavs this week: 31% shooting to go along with 4 fouls, a tech, and 6 TOs. A major factor in his 53 chode points was his lack of positive stats to outweigh the negative. Lowry only had 4 assists and 2 rebounds, and he didn’t record a single block or steal. Any time your leading statistic is turnovers and your total fouls equals your total made shots, you’re going to have a chodey night.

 

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is an editor for Chode League and is the Suit half of “Suit & Nut.

Note: An earlier version of this article mistakenly mentioned Wall’s technical foul was for shoving Kent Bazemore, but that would be impossible since he plays for the Hawks. 

Ranking The Top 10 NBA Shoe Throws

In a preseason game between the Clippers and Raptors this year, NBA history was made. With 6:22 to go in the 2nd quarter, Jamal Crawford tried to shake a defender out of his shoes, but ironically became the victim of his own finesse. Crawford’s left foot slipped out of his sneaker, forcing him to pick up his dribble and pass to teammate Blake Griffin. After much research, this appears to be the first recorded instance of a player throwing a teammate’s shoe at an opponent.

Shoe throws are fairly common in the NBA, but almost all involve a player throwing an opponent’s shoe away from to put them at an obvious disadvantage. Griffin’s decision to throw Crawford’s shoe at opponent Cory Joseph was both revolutionary and effective, as it led to Griffin driving the lane and earning two free throws.

Inspired by this innovative display of basketball genius, the team here at Chode League embarked on a deep dive of NBA shoe throwing. These plays have thus been ranked based on dirtiness, comedic effect, and whether or not they led to a competitive advantage. We limited this to NBA shoe throws, so we can only give honorable mention to the J.R. Smith shoe untying (how could we not), Bill Walton allegedly attempting a block with his shoe (not even close), the George W. Bush shoe dodge (legendary), and the Webber/Barkley reenactment of the Bush dodge (even better). Without further adieu, here are the top 10 NBA shoe throws of all time:

“REF, I SWEAR I WAS TRYING TO HELP”

The first rule of a dirty play is to not get caught. These players violated that rule.

10. Ronnie Price

Shoe thrown: Own

End Result:Technical foul

The Play: Ronnie Price performs a step-back move, but his right shoe does not. He turns the ball over to Andre Iguodala, grabs his shoe, chases Iggy, hurls the shoe at him, misses wildly, and is called for a technical foul.

This is the worst shoe throw in the history of the NBA. Not only does Ronnie Price lose his shoe in an undramatic fashion, turn the ball over, and fail to disrupt the play, but he also gets caught red-handed, earning a technical foul. Absolutely atrocious. It’s no surprise Price is currently a third-string point guard with a “non-existent fantasy value” according to Rotoworld.com.

9. Will Barton 

Shoe Thrown: Trevor Ariza (Opponent)

End Result: Technical foul

The Play: Trevor Ariza chases a rebound, but falls over, losing a shoe in the process. The Nuggets grab the board and score, and Will Barton throws Ariza’s shoe out of bounds while heading back on defense. But Will is caught in the act and whistled for a technical foul, causing the two teams to get into a brief argument as well.

If you are unsure why Trevor Ariza gets so upset at Barton, you’ll see later in this list that this is the second time Arizia has had his shoe thrown by an opponent. It’s incredible that these two teams get into a scuffle over something so absurd, but imagine if Barton hadn’t been caught. If so, Ariza might have fallen victim to two unnoticed shoe throws, along with crippling depression leading to an early retirement.

“RIGHT IDEA, RIGHT IDEA”

These players didn’t get caught, but they also didn’t help their team. So now they’re just assholes.

8. Deandre Jordan

Shoe Thrown: Kenneth Faried (Opponent)

End Result: Clippers score

The Play: Kenneth Faried loses his shoe attempting a transition layup. After securing the rebound and dishing the outlet pass, DeAndre Jordan launches Faried’s shoe at a cameraman. The Clippers score a fastbreak bucket, forcing a Nuggets timeout.

A painfully uneventful shoe throw. DeAndre Jordan wasn’t caught, his team scored, and he forced a timeout, but he didn’t score any style points whatsoever. Faried didn’t get mad, the Clippers would have scored anyway, and DJ didn’t even laugh. Opportunity wasted.

7.Marc Gasol

Show Thrown: Own

End Result: Common Foul

The Play: Marc Gasol makes a floater, but loses his shoe while running back on defense. Teammate Ed Davis tosses Gasol his shoe, who promptly uses it to frantically swipe at Derrick Favors for a steal. Gasol is called for a foul and aggressively pleads with the ref to let him put his shoe back on before the Jazz can inbound the ball.

Gasol’s throw is iconic because he uses his shoe as a damn weapon. He swats angrily at Derrick Favors and is miraculously only called for a common foul. What did the ref call when he went to the scorers table? Hacking? Reach-in? Attacking an Innocent Man with a Shoe? We may never know.

“WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN…”

The plays were perfect, the outcomes were not. Here’s to the ones that could have been legendary.

6. Tyson Chandler

Shoe Thrown/Swatted: MO BUCKETS’

End Result: Mavericks foul

The Play: MO BUCKETS loses his shoe on a drive; when it gets in the way of Steph Curry, Steph tosses it aside. On their next offensive possession, Steph relocates the shoe and tosses it back to Mo. Tyson Chandler, who is only good at dunking alley oops and blocking things, does the latter and SWATS this shoe pass away while retreating on defense. Buckets and Curry protest while the Mavs are quickly called for a blocking foul.

The awareness by Chandler, the 2012 Defensive Player of the Year, is astounding. He recognized Speights lost his shoe, he knew where the shoe had been tossed, and had the presence of mind to disrupt the teammate shoe pass while getting back on defense. This was not simply a right place/right time play. Chandler went out of his way to block this shoe pass, and it is a damn shame that nothing more came of this than a few laughs. However, he probably got a DPOY vote for this play alone.

5. Dwyane Wade

Shoe thrown: Mike Bibby (Opponent)

End Result: Knicks alley oop

The Play: Mike Bibby grabs a rebound and loses his shoe in the process. While he is passing the ball, Dwyane Wade grabs Bibby’s shoe and tosses it into the corner, out of bounds. Bibby stares at Wade in disbelief, who holds his stare and jogs back smugly. But the Knicks promptly complete an alley oop to Tyson Chandler, who has never scored by any other means in his entire career.

Though this play did not result in a positive outcome for the Heat, it ranks high due to the circumstances. This took place DURING THE PLAYOFFS. Stakes are high, tension is palpable, and cameras are everywhere. The audacity of Wade to perform such a petty move in such a situation is only rivaled by the iconic Lance Stephenson Ear Blowing of 2013. (Ear blowing list is forthcoming.)

“I MEAN, IT’S JUST STRATEGY”

Successful dirty plays like these are what inspired Jason Kidd to “spill his soda.”

4. Jarret Jack 

Shoe Thrown: Dorell Wright (Opponent)

End Result: Warriors 3-pointer, giggling

The Play: Dorell Wright steals a pass from Andrew Bogut and launches down the court for a 1-on-1 fastbreak against Klay Thompson. He stumbles and loses his shoe in the process, which Jarrett Jack LAUNCHES well into the stands. Wright passes to Evan Turner, who finishes a layup. The Warriors then inbound the ball, Jack nails a three, and the Sixers call a timeout to get Wright’s shoe back.

There is so much right with this play. First off, Jarrett Jack throws Wright’s shoe about 500 rows deep into the stands. Incredible. Second, Jack’s man, Evan Turner, gets an easy layup because Jack went out of his way to hurl this shoe into another time zone. Hilarious. Third, Jack follows up his shoe toss with a bomb from three. Clutch. Fourth, Jack giggles profusely as the Sixers call a timeout. Perfect. This is a flawless play. How could things get any better?

3. Blake Griffin

Shoe thrown: Jamal Crawford (Teammate)

End Result: Clippers free throws

The Play: Described in the beginning of the article

Pure innovation by Griffin, pure devastation by Corey “Remember That Time Drake Rapped About Me?” Joseph. The play caused Joseph to execute one of the strangest flops ever; he had to pretend that a shoe lightly tossed towards him foul him egregiously. Blake Griffin not only looks smart in this play, but also makes Corey Joseph look foolish. A true work of art.

2. Ron Artest

Shoe Thrown: Trevor Ariza (Opponent, Repeat Victim)

End Result: Opponent failed drive, Lakers 3

The Play: Once again, Trevor Ariza loses his shoe while fighting for a rebound, so the artist formerly known as Ron Artest flings it behind the stanchion. Luis Scola dribbles down the court, flops, and misses a layup. The Lakers come back down and pass to Artest, who promptly drains a three.

This is the first recorded instance of a player throwing an opponent’s shoe, and it’s no surprise that the player to open Pandora’s Shoebox is the infamous Metta World Peace. Not only does this play rank high due to the innovation factor, but it also led to a three by Artest himself. MWP invented a new strategy, was not caught, the other team didn’t score, and he drained one from long range following the throw. Simply put, a perfect play.

“THE GREATEST PLAY IN THE HISTORY OF BASKETBALL”

1. Mike Miller makes three wearing one shoe:

Shoe Thrown: Own

End Result: NBA Championship

The Play: With the Heat trailing 3-2 in the series and down by seven with 10:50 to go in the fourth, Mike Miller loses his shoe on the defensive end. He tosses the shoe aside (incredibly casually at 0:31 in the video), runs down court, and drills a three to bring the game within four WEARING ONLY ONE SHOE.

When most describe the 3-pointer in the 4th quarter of Game 6 of the 2013 Finals, they are referring to Ray Allen’s clutch shot to send the game to overtime. Despite the greatness of this play, it was not the best three pointer from that game. Mike “Mike Miller” Miller’s shot, which capped off a 10-2 Heat run, was so momentous that the Spurs had to call a timeout even though ONE OPPONENT WAS NOT WEARING BOTH SHOES. I am fully convinced that the Heat refused to lose the game after Miller performed this miracle, which motivated Allen to make that iconic shot. This is undoubtedly the greatest play in the history of basketball.

If the list above shows anything, it is that the NBA shoe throw game continues to develop. Much like small ball, creativity with shoe throws are constantly changing the NBA landscape. The NBA will be a better league if these innovations progress. Let’s all pray Dion Waiters comes upon a loose shoe this year.

 

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is an editor for Chode Leauge as well as the “Suit” half of Suit&Nut. 

Frumpman: The Worst NBA Player Logos

Since the Jumpman first took flight, shoe companies have longed to create lasting, iconic logos for their athletes. Though no one has touched Jordan’s level of recognition, some players such as Kobe and LeBron have logos widely known among NBA fans.

Yesterday, Under Armour filed a trademark of a logo for their star point guard, Emmanuel “You thought I’d say Steph Curry” Mudiay. But it doesn’t take a fashion nazi to see why this logo is horrible. 

Inspired by this questionable logo choice, ChodeLeague.com presents:

A DEEP DIVE OF THE 13 WORST PLAYER LOGOS
IN NBA HISTORY

(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

1. Emmanuel Mudiay

Mudiay

It’s not what it looks like, mom. It’s just Third Reich iconography!

What the logo means: Take an E, take an M. Now shape them both like Nazi batarangs. What have you got? A fucking mess of Mudiay’s initials.

Why it is horrible: So you’ve made a swastika. Or at the very least, it’s certainly not not a swastika. The only way this could be worse is if this was the design for Dirk’s shoe.

2. Paul George

George

I’m telling you, the Indiana Rhinos will love it.

What the logo means: Here, parts of a P and a G represent his initials.

Why it is horrible: It doesn’t seem to have any sort of vision or purpose. Some questions: Why is the G cut in half? Why does it look like a question mark, or maybe a reach-around? Can someone make a decent logo for U.S. Olympian and The Bachelor guest-star, PG-13?

Yes

Yes, but only if I can be nauseatingly clever about it.

Oh look, there’s one now.

But if you take pictures like this, maybe it’s fitting to have a shitty logo:

DJ Khaled

Looks like you played yourself.

3. Dwight Howard

We hired a team of expert rocket scientists and middle school cheerleaders to analyze this logo. You WON’T BELIEVE what they found, or the in-depth infographic they produced:

dhup

Also pictured: the word “dhup”

As you can see, the logo subconsciously forms the letter S as in “really sucks now.”

4. Blake Griffin

griffin

Apparently the Clippers now have yellow shorts?

What the logo means: It’s a B and a G, for obvious reasons.

Why it is horrible: This logo looks like it belongs on a car, and no, definitely not a certain Kia with a 5-star Crash Test Safety Rating. The angles of the letters form a rough wing pattern, which could represent Blake’s ability to fly, but they also end up creating a weird V in the middle. There is no V in Blake “My Team Wins More When I’m Hurt” Griffin. So why the V?

The rest of the negative space looks like a gun on the left, and a broken leg on the right. Can someone page Carl Landry that we found his logo?

5. John Wall

this is really his logo

Wizards Coach Scott Brooks holds up the logo that really is exactly like John Wall’s. (Hint: John’s rocking the one on the right.)

What the logo means: As you can clearly see, this logo features the letters J and W, because by NBA law, modern player logos can only use initials.

Why it is horrible: This logo was clearly a rip-off of Weyerhammer Paper Company from The Office, whose Airstream Deluxe A4 model truly is the Cadillac of paper.

Did the guy at Adidas who made this logo later join the Melania Trump speech writing team? (The previous joke was topical, socially indicating my knowledge of current events with a wink and a nod.)

6. Dwyane Wade

WayofWade

All I can say is: WoW

What the logo means: Apparently, you can spell W-A-D-E using the top, bottom, left, and right portions of the circle respectively. Our team of scientist-cheerleaders says not to try this at home.

Why it is horrible: It’s eerily similar to the logo for Stance, the sock company Wade signed with before releasing his own logo. It also looks like an asshole, which may or may not be a coincidence.

7. Paul Pierce

12-paul-pierce-nike-shoe-logo1

P^2

What the logo means: Pretty please, kill me.

Why it is horrible: Could be mistaken for I2, an unfinished R, just the letter P, or the Egyptian hieroglyph for “faking an injury.”

8. Lance Stephenson

Stephenson

Pictured: Lance Stephenson, twice

What the logo means: It’s Lance Stephenson’s face.

Why it is horrible: It’s Lance Stephenson’s face.

9. Charles Barkley

Barkley

C(huge ass)3

What the logo means: This is meant to show Charles Barkley, having secured a rebound.

Why it is horrible: Ah yes, what could be more iconic than Barkley’s form after grabbing a board? What other athletic feat could produce such a stunning silhouette?

This abomination looks like a suburban mother of three who dressed as a ninja turtle for the neighborhood costume party. Its only saving grace is Chuck’s serious donk.

10. Vince Carter

Carter

Are those thresher maws tiled in the background? I truly cannot tell.

What the logo means: Somewhere in this image, the designers have cleverly hidden a V, a C, and the number 15 from the eyes of any and all inquisitive viewers.

Why it is horrible: “Hey Rupert, how can we visually symbolize one of the most aesthetically graceful players ever?”

“Let’s try to cram a bunch of shit into as small an area as possible.”

“That sounds great, and won’t look like a Russian porn app either”

11. Ray Allen

Ray

If the R is the trajectory of Allen’s shot, he’s fucked.

What the logo means: Ray Allen likes to shoot and his name is Ray.

Why it is horrible: In the nineties, silhouettes were in, à la Michael Jordan. But there’s nothing iconic about shooting a jumpshot per se. Really, everyone shoots jumpshots.

Cue the logo maker: “How can we make it clear that this is Ray Allen shooting a jumpshot… OH! Let’s spell his name and make him the R. But uh, just the straight part, it’s still the nineties.”

12. Rasheed Wallace

rasheed-wallace-jumpshot-logo.jpg

“Let not thy left leg know what thy right leg doeth.” – Mathhew 6:3

What the logo means: It’s Rasheed, either shooting, or dunking, or grabbing a rebound, or maybe just holding the ball away from a squabble of kids below.

Why it is horrible: If this shitty silhouette is supposed to show Sheed shooting, well shucks. It doesn’t look like his jumper at all (note his lack of leg kick in real life).

If it’s meant to show him dunking straight up-and-down like a pencil, grabbing a rebound directly above his head, or torturing tiny children, the designer should be shot.

13. Kobe Bryant, Adidas Era

adidas-the-kobe-sample-4-620x413

We’re “passing” on this one

What the logo means: It’s the fro-file of a young Kobe Bryant.

Why it is horrible: This could very well be the profile of any human being with a head and/or face. The point of a logo is to make the consumer think of a singular player, not the collection of most humans on Earth. At least the shoes weren’t horribl-

dgvnqcye7vcbrl9aan1k

Life imitates art, but these look like concept car models

BONUS ROUND: Anthony “Freak Geek” Davis

At just 23 years of age, Anthony Davis still lacks both “teammates” and a “Nike signature logo.” Naturally, we propose the only rational option for the Brow: 

4682999150164754_615b67fffb2e75bcf6b0612c78f755c6f032be3c4712a7f8ee47b988c7662be0_large

A wax and an orthodontist

 

Mike (@Schubes17) is an editor at Chode League and is the “Suit” half of Suit & Nut. This article was edited by Ricky, the founder of Chode League and the “Nut” of Suit & Nut.

J.J. Redick is the G.O.A.T.

Though he single-handedly murdered the Trailblazers last night, some may still be debating whether or not J.J. Redick should be a Hall of Famer. As a painfully biased J.J. fan, the choice is obvious, but to make the decision easier for you, we here at Chode League have hand-picked stats a la ESPN to make J.J. Redick look like what he truly is: the greatest player of all time.

When it comes to discussions of who is the G.O.A.T., two names are said most often: Michael Jordan and J.J. Redick. Though most would lean towards selecting MJ in this case, consider this fact: J.J. Redick’s teams have a 6-3 record when he shoots 100% from the field. Michael Jordan? 0-0. Jordan has not once shot 100% from the field, while Redick has done it 9 times. If that doesn’t make the case clear enough, how about this:

J.J. Redick is the only player with 33 points, 7 3PM, 3 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 1 turnover in under 32 minutes. Unprecedented.

J.J. Redick

“Thirty-three! Damn, I’d better sub out quick!”

Many are making the claim this season that Steph Curry is the greatest shooter of all time. That’s interesting, because J.J. Redick is the only player to score at least 40 points, while making at least 9 threes on at most 12 attempts, with at least 9 free throws on at most 9 tries. Sounds like Steph should hit the gym. Or maybe algebra class?

Speaking of shooting perfect free throws, J.J. Redick has more career games in which he made all of his free throws (279) than Stephen Curry (261) and Kevin Durant (255). Thundersticks do not intimidate J.J. Redick.

Many of the greats are praised for their ability to take their game to the next level on the road. Well J.J. Redick is no different, as he is the last starter to score at least 26 points, make 5 threes, and record only 1 foul on 90% shooting on the road since Reggie Miller. No, I am not kidding you.

Some NBA fans will agree that J.J. Redick is a great scorer, but cannot lead an offense like someone such as LeBron. Well these casuals better do their homework, because there are only two current NBA players to score at least 30 pts, on 90% 2pt shooting, with 8 FTA: J.J. Redick and LeBron James.

Case closed. Doc Rivers should stop referring to the Clippers as having a “Big Three,” and instead should recognize he has an Enormous One.

(All stats via Basketball Reference)

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is an editor at ChodeLeague.com and is the Suit half of Chode League’s “Suit & Nut.”

Houston, We Have A Problem… With Your Broadcasters

The Tale of a Knicks Fan Forced to Listen to the Other Clyde

Though the New York Knicks have had their ups and downs since the Ewing Era (okay, downs and downs), they have had the phenomenal broadcasting duo of Mike “BANG!” Breen and Walt “Clyde” Frazier since 2004. Before Breen, they had Marv Albert, so the Knicks have always had a broadcasting team you could really sink your teeth into.

But for Knicks fans beyond the tri-state area, sometimes listening to the announcers of other teams while watching the Knickerbockers is the only option. Though often left longing for the MSG dynamic duo, the broadcasters of other teams usually do not significantly hinder a fan’s game-watching experience. That is, unless the game is being called by Bill Worrell and Clyde Drexler, the broadcasting team of the Houston Rockets.

“Clyde, don’t they know there can only be one?” “Sorry, I can’t hear you over my suit.”

I found myself in this unfortunate predicament when the Knicks faced off against the Rockets on November 21. Zach Lowe and other NBA media members had mentioned Houston’s poor playcalling in the past, so I figured I’d be in for a good chuckle. Boy, was I wrong.

Never have there been announcers more biased, petty, and uninformed than these two. Their atrocious game calling became so appalling that I decided to take notes on the most absurd things they said. Here are those notes:

FIRST QUARTER – “Okay, Lowe was right; they’re bad.”

  • As the game begins, Drexler disputes Worrell’s statement that 7’3” Kristaps Porzingis is, in fact, 7’3” tall. When Worrell affirms his listed height as a fact, Drexler acts unimpressed by stating, “Well Sampson was 7’4”…………”
  • It takes two minutes for the Rockets to be called for a foul. Coincidentally, it takes two minutes for Drexler to argue a call, claiming not enough contact was made in order to warrant a whistle.
  • Roughly two minutes later, both broadcasters — acting in their professional roles as living witnesses of Hakeem Olajuwon — claim that Robin Lopez travelled on a completely legal drop-step move.
  • When Derrick Williams is subbed in for the Knicks halfway through the first quarter, Worrell claims he was a #1 overall pick, forgetting the Cavs were “completely randomly selected for the #1 pick” after losing LeBron.
  • When Arron Afflalo is at the foul line, Worrell says, “Afflalo used to have some success while in Denver. I say some.” While in Denver from ’09-’12, Afflalo averaged 12.2 ppg, 2.2 apg, and 3.3 rpg on 48/42/80 shooting. His best years were in Orlando, where he averaged 17, 3.5, 3.5 on 46/42/85 shooting. It’s unclear why Worrell is so negative towards Afflalo, especially while mis-identifying his best years. Bill Worrell has had no success.
  • With ten seconds remaining in the quarter, a pick is set by Terrence Jones on James Harden’s defender, Lance Thomas. Worrell states, “After the switch on the screen, Harden is being guarded by… someone else…” There was no switch on the pick, and Thomas had been guarding Harden since subbing in near the four minute mark.
  • Having one foul to give, Thomas fouls Harden on a drive attempt with four seconds left before he crosses the foul line to reset the play. This happens a few times every game. Worrell claims, “Well, after that switch, there was no way Thomas could keep up with Harden,” as the reasoning for the foul. Harden had not made a shot since Thomas entered the game. As the Rockets ran their final play with four seconds left, Thomas forced Harden into taking a highly contest jumper, which bricked off the front iron.

“Shockingly good ‘commentating.'”

SECOND QUARTER – “Wow, these guys love arguing calls…”

  • Whoever the hell their third guy in the booth is (COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: It’s Matt “Fucking Insufferable” Bullard, the Matt Bonner of the 90’s), he busted out this gem before the quarter started: “The Rockets’ bench ranks 29th in scoring in this league of 30. The Knicks’ ranks 4th. So the Knicks have a much better scoring bench than the Rockets.” How profound.
  • One minute into the quarter, Ty Lawson goes in for a layup but is blocked cleanly. Both Worrell and Drexler argue for a minute that he was fouled, failing to comment at all on the following two possessions.
  • Clyde Drexler utters the phrase “They are playing basketball.” This was one of the few true statements made all evening.
  • Clint Capella shuffles his feet and dips his shoulder on a pick and is called for a illegal screen. Worrell yells “Aww, come on! The guy ran into him!” Clyde sarcastically states, “Well, you have to be a really good official to make that call.” Worrell replies, “Wow. You have to have a bit of an imagination to make that call.”
  • Throughout the quarter, Drexler argues the Rockets should stop taking threes and should look to get closer shots. Clearly he is unaware of Morey’s “The Midrange is Lava” technique. He later goes on to say “The mid-range jumper is probably the best part of the NBA right now.”

THIRD QUARTER – “How are these men still employed?”

  • Harden drives, draws help defense, and kicks it out to a wide-open Trevor Ariza, who misses the three. Drexler cries, “Oh no, don’t start that again. We’ve seen that all season. Attach the basket.” Ariza has been shooting 35% on 3s at this point in the season, which is just above the league average.
  • Lance Thomas has to sub in as Melo picks up his 4th foul, three minutes into the quarter. Since he was not expecting to sub in this early, he takes a bit of time to get off the bench and remove his warmups, but is clearly rushing to do so. Bill Worrell claims that the Knicks should be called for a delay of game penalty because Thomas took too long to take off his warmups. Drexler adds that Thomas should be penalized for entering the court with an untucked jersey.

After this happened, I muted my television for the rest of the third quarter because I couldn’t believe they were actually lobbying for this. I wanted to enjoy the Knicks playing well for a bit without the distraction of these two.

“Fuck this, I’m out.”

FOURTH QUARTER – “Clyde Drexler should be stripped of his ring.”

  • Corey Brewer, who had made back-to-back three pointers to end the 3rd, finally misses a three early in the fourth. Drexler chimes in, “When the threes aren’t hitting, you gotta take it inside.”
  • Harden attempts to draw an offensive foul on a drive to the basket by the Knicks, and no call is made either way. Worrell comments, “I thought they would’ve called foul! You know, Derek Fisher was a world-class flopper. Don’t think he didn’t pass that on to his team as well.” Did he forget Harden also enjoys a good flop from time to time?
  • Capella commits a loose-ball foul by grabbing the arm of Robin Lopez on a rebound attempt. Clyde asks, “Wasn’t he over Capella’s back?”
  • While Lou Amundson is shooting foul shots, Drexler states “Amundson had a great year for the Phoenix Suns. [laughs] A good year I should say. I don’t want to misuse that word, he had a GOOD year.” “Yeah, not great…” Worrell adds.
  • Jones goes up for a layup, and is fouled. Worrell: “T Jones, fouled MULTIPLE times on that attempt.”
  • Jones misses his first free throw. Drexler asks, “Wait, is he not a great shooter?” Worrell states, of the home-team player, “48%” Clyde responds, “Oh. Well, you gotta hit that.”
  • Ariza goes for a loose ball, and is called for a foul as he knocks over Langston Galloway while obtaining possession. Drexler argues, “I don’t think Ariza fouled him there. I thought he got all ball.” While Drexler’s comments are technically true, he’s simply never thinking at all.
  • “Earlier in his career, Carmelo could average 7 or 8 rebounds a game.” – Worrell. At the point when this game took place, Carmelo was averaging 7.2 rebounds per game.
  • They both argued that this was not a foul:

    “Pictured: the 6’9 Porzingis FLINGS Harden into a screen.”

Fortunately, the game ended shortly thereafter. The experience showed me that if for some reason the Rockets are the only broadcasting team available for a game, I’m better off listening to LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. Listening to their broadcast is the equivalent to watching a game called by your two pick-up buddies who argue every foul call against them and call foul every time they miss a shot. In other words, it’s equivalent to watching a game called by your two pick-up buddies.

I’d rather listen to a game called by Bill Worrell, the painter, sculptor, and writer. That’s BillWorrell.com. And remember to carpe EVERY diem.

I’m sorry Zach Lowe, I should have heeded your warnings and never subjected myself to this misery. May this post serve as a warning to all of you: do not make the same mistake I did.

 

Original byline: Bill Baptist/NBAE/Getty ImagesMilwaukee Bucks v Houston Rockets

The worst Big Three since Kobe-Nash-Dwight

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is a writer for ChodeLeague and is the Suit half of “Suit & Nut.”