LETTER OF DECLINE

In an effort to further transparency within Chode League, I have upheld my commitment to honor any article mailed to ChodeLeague@gmail.com — yes, that’s ChodeLeague@gmail.com!! — by posting it to our fine website.


Dear Dishonorable Commissioner,

I write to inform you that I wish to retroactively decline your invitation to become the second member of the Chode League Hall of Fame (not to my surprise, the first inductee was a straight white prep school male who recently purchased a home (no redlining or racial covenants must be really nice)).

I am sure my letter comes of little shock to you, given my repeated grievances around your fantasy basketball league’s incessant love affair–and later marriage–with whiteness. A league based on the pre-Jim Crow caricature of the black male as unintelligent–“a chode”–is surely a league that is embedded, symbolically and materially, in a type of whiteness so unpalatable that even I, a man who tries to tolerate your insouciance for basic humanity, can no longer stand.

To add salt to my wound, your league’s maltreatment of the Other strikes close to home. My given league name of Allie Hawks Akbar–a person of color has little agency in your high-stakes and rigged game–aligns well with the Orientalism of Donald Trump (must be sad night for you, by the way, but Ted Cruz isn’t a bad consolation prize).

There is a good chance that this letter–like most letters that critique your rule–will be censored; there is perhaps a greater chance that this letter will be hung up in your klan’s den as a badge of honor.  But, still, I encourage you to give up your remunerative position and return to the light.

God’s speed [sic],

R. Faruk


While I am only too happy to honor Mr. Faruk’s request to be removed from the Chode League Hall of Fame, this letter is just a wonderful bit of evidence that our good friend has never logged into Chode League at all. As such, I am only too proud to enshrine this very “badge of honor” as the second ever Chode League Hall of Fame Inductee, alongside our very own Albert and the Ensteins!

I, too, look to a day when fantasy owners will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their lineups. Alas, my only regret is that our own prodigal son seems woefully unable to do so.

Please join me in praying for our friend R. Faruk.

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GUEST ARTICLE: Dreams do come true, thanks Zo

by Albert Enstein, resident genius

Though we live in the darkest of days, whence chodes genius and geniuses chode (see Hinkie/Morey), for a brief moment light shines through.

Sam Hinkie, surveying his draft picks. Just kidding, this is Albert Enstein, fantasy second-place champion.

 

Today that light shines from the most unlikely of places – the Le Batard Show (his name is close to retard). Watch here:

 

We’ve all heard the story, probably from Ricky because he fucking loves it. Dikembe’s legendary pick-up line, the lure with which he ensnared probably like 30 women [COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: at a time!] because his arms are really super long. No one believed it to be true, until today.

The question I ask, and I think we all might wonder somewhere deep in our souls, is the line chodey or geniusy?

“Fuck it, it’s all relative man”

 

The inner chode in all of us wants it to be chodey. The image of a large man in a club, surrounded by women, arms outstretched, drinks in both hands, is a profoundly chodey one.

Yet, isn’t it genius? Like Steph Curry using his quick release to get buckets™, or Anthony Davis being large to be good at things, isn’t Dikembe using his natural gifts to maximize results? That is the very definition of genius.

Most normal humans are capable of grasping one, maybe two, women in their arms. Dikembe was blessed with a supernatural ability to hold many, many women and literally carry them to wherever he wanted.

VERDICT: This resident genius thinks the infamous line is………… GENIUS!!!!!!!

But whatever, I’ve already totally demolished you guys in genius points because I am literally the only one trying to get them.

So, for those still left in the playoffs, the following challenge will be established (I definitely haven’t asked the Commish if this is okay): The owner with the longest wingspan will be awarded 100 chode points. And you can’t totally make shit up, only a little bit.

May the best chode win.

And remember, WHO WANT TO SEX MUTOMBO!!!!!!

THE COMMISSIONER: Hey guys, your Commissioner speaking. I 100000000% approve. Email me your wingspan by 11:59 P.M. on this Saturday and if you win, I will bump you for this week of playoffs. Please report your wingspan as measured at non-relativistic speeds. Remember, you can only make shit up a little bit. Good luck!

P.S. Want your rant published? I’ll publish anything, I don’t give a fuck. Just email me at ChodeLeague@gmail.com. Thanks.