2018-19 Franchise Raffle Results!

Yay!

Atlanta Hawks – Gross/Parisi
Chicago Bulls – Chan
Cleveland Cavaliers – Mouser
Dallas Mavericks – Derek Gerberich
Indiana Pacers – Wang
Los Angeles Clippers – Tverye
Los Angeles Lakers – Koford
Minnesota Timberwolves – Matejka
Philadelphia 76ers – Fry
Sacramento Kings – Raun
Toronto Raptors – McClernand
Washington Wizards – Schubert

2018 Chode League Franchise Lottery Results

Congrats on your new teams, everyone:

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Chan: Milwaukee Bucks

Fry: Washington Wizards

Gerberich: Sacramento Kings

Gross + Parisi: Los Angeles Lakers

Koford: Chicago Bulls

Matejka: New Orleans Pelicans

McClernand: Minnesota Timberwolves

Mouser: Los Angeles Clippers

Raun: Golden State Warriors

Schubert: New York Knicks

Tverye: Dallas Mavericks

Wang: Charlotte Hornets

2017 #1 Draft Lottery Pick Acceptance Speech

HINKIE

12.2% my ass

It is an honor to be your Chode League champion this year. First and foremost, we would like to acknowledge Samuel Hinkie; his courage and vision are the reasons we are able to accept this championship today.

That said, we would have held our heads high regardless of the outcome because we had confidence in our decision making throughout the season. In a game of uncertainty, all you can do is make the choice with the highest expected payoff and the rest is left to chance. Given that we happened to get a lucky draw, we humbly accept the responsibility that comes with winning and promise that we will continue to value process over results.

-Lamar Chodom

FRANCHISE ACQUISITION RAFFLE

Here we go again:

Chan Cleveland CAVALIERS
Fry Toronto RAPTORS
Gerberich Brooklyn NETS
Gross/Parisi Oklahoma City THUNDER
Koford Miami HEAT
Matejka San Antonio SPURS
McClernand New Orleans PELICANS
Mouser Los Angeles LAKERS
Raun Los Angeles CLIPPERS
Schubert Sacramento KINGS
Tverye Milwaukee BUCKS
Wang New York KNICKS

Here’s our horrific 3-hour live commentary:

THE PLAYOFFS: ROUND 2 IN REVIEW

“Alright Shaq, what you got for me?”

“An ever-deepening sense of ennui, as, once again, none of you shitty stand-in hosts can sing along or even pretend to amuse yourselves.”

SHAQ
-100 D’Angelo RATSELL On-court, this one is probably a high 3 for sheer what-the-fuckery, but Kobe Bryant elevates the play with a great reaction shot that mixes awe and disgust in equal measure.

But in the studio, things are going even worse.

Lisa Leslie drops the line “What’s he doing?” for the fifth time in three appearances. Everyone ignores her!

We get rousing studio chants for defense! They’re interacting with each other now!! I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

Lisa Leslie certainly doesn’t. To bookend the occasion, she mumbles to herself: “Ah. Poor…” just as Shaq cuts in: “Number two!”

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Tarik BLACK In a moment of mental paralysis, Shaq forgets how to read the teleprompter, replacing the word “who” with “what.” In an even more stunning instance of psychological confusion, Tarik Black also struggles to get things going for his curmudgeonly team of on-air analysts.

Lisa Leslie exclaims “What the heck!” for the twelfth time. I love the CG passing lines Shaq wills into existence. I hate the reference to the XFL.

really do hate Lisa Leslie mumbling: “Dang. Come on, man.” For the second clip in a row, she’s sucked out all the energy at the end, like venom from a snakebite, or Hillary Clinton at a Dem debate, or capping off a wild, debaucherous night with a 2 a.m. meal from Arby’s.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Jared SULLINGER In this baffling play, Valanciunas’s rigidity to form is matched only by Sullinger’s obedience to the Newtonian conception of gravity. For once, the play is so disjointed and inhuman that even Shaq’s co-hosts can comment appropriately.

Yes, it does look like a video game, NBA 2k to be exact (but not to needlessly name-drop corporate sponsers.) It feels exactly like some ephemeral recreation of real life that exists not to represent deeply, but merely to indicate abstractly enough to briefly entertain.

And I bet both players’ controllers are super low on batteries.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3.5/4 Shaqs

-100 James HARDEN It’s gotten to the point where I really fucking hope that out-of-bounds passes get the sort of CGI extendo-treatment that Shaq always bestows. It’s incredibly gratifying to imagine a collapsible Pat Beverly unfurling himself up-up-and-up towards the ball. Somehow, it brings back dull, mis-remembered childhood images from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang built on primitive blue-screen effects. It really shouldn’t.

By the way, every single clip has been a 3.5 so far. Shaq is killing it on these clips. And the crew is committing genocide on the mic.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Klay THOMPSON Despite broadly sharing anti-natalist sentiments with Schopenhauer, I suppose there is, from my point of view, some chance that I have a grandchild. So I decided to watch every one of the Warriors’ last twenty games this year. And that means I saw this play unfold live.

The only problem? It’s not really a stupid play. In a way, it emblematic of the Warriors transcending basketball by drafting two singular shooting talents and then constructing a system to outsmart everyone else.

Here, they just out-outsmarted everyone, as Curry passed up one 70% three in semi-transition for another.

The best part is really Klay saying “Man, fuck that” afterwards. Maybe I can ethically adopt?

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

MISC
-15 Julis RANDLE Obscene gestures Fined $15,000.
FUCK
-100 Cleveland CAVALIERS Bed bugs. League CURSE

 

But wait, there’s even more Shaqtin! And now, Shaq has BRENT BARRY in the studio to banter with!! This should be fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Well, everyone sings this time, but it’s painfully self-aware and out-of-rhythm. So not the brightest of indicators imaginable.

SHAQ
-100 Erik SPOELSTRA This play by Marcelo Huertas is unbelievably intelligent, and blatantly illegal. I’d like to give him a +100 here, but Shaq explicitly confirms that the only nominee worth considering is Coach Spo for acting as a “human shield,” vaguely painting the accoladed coach as some sort of willing accessory to a deceptive, foreign insurgent stealing from decent everyday Americans (like Goran Dragic.)

“Good move, Huertas” adds Brent Barry with his characteristic sexual drawl.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 James HARDEN These are really getting out of hand. Speaking of hands, we were taught in high school to play off-ball defense with one hand on the defender, and one on the ball by en elderly ex-cop with beach-blonde hair and a one-motion offense entirely predicated off of pinch-post give-and-go action that went out of style by the mid-forties and out of date by the early sixties. I don’t think we won a game.

Good thing McDermott also blows.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3/4 Shaqs

-100 Corey BREWER A phenomenal catch/pass, with the caveat that it devolves into being a little bit of neither. It’s so strange to think that these Rockets have snuck into the playoffs. I have a $100-to-$1 bet with my friend that the Warriors beat them in the first round, and I still feel like I might have cheated him on odds. But then, Nate Silver’s overly-ambitious website has the Warriors with a 95% chance to make it out of the first round, so maybe I accepted too much tail risk after all. But doesn’t it feel like a 100000% chance the Warriors advance past the first round, Harden and all?

In that vein, does anyone think the Warriors only have a 42% chance to win a championship? Nate seems impossibly low on a 73-9 team. Off pure emotions, I would put the Warriors at 75%, the Spurs at 25%, and, most notably, the Cavaliers at 0% to win it all.

So while the play was amusing in the moment, I suppose it was slightly forgettable. As so many things are.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3/4 Shaqs

-100 Boban MARJANOVIC As Shaq GROWLS on-air for fifteen Dionysian seconds, Popovich looks on with the blank Apollonian stare of a man all-too-aware that he will never coach another Tim Duncan. No one interrupts either figure’s tragic encounter with the Other, and it is in this moment that the deepest of disappointments descends. The world cannot end with a bang, nor with a whimper, but rather the orchestral gnashing of teeth and silent gawks of men as they view the collapse of Babel’s Tower, one from upwind, one from down.

Finally, Shaq stops yelling, and Brent throws in an “Oh… Man.” I have to say, it’s a tremendous improvement over last week.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 3.5/4 Shaqs

-100 All PISTONS FANS At first blush, this is a douchey move that holds up the game. The fan behind him shows his vicarious appreciation with a hearty backslap. But notice the love this v-necked, wristband-wearing idiot receives from Devin Harris, the inbounder he has just delayed.

It’s a bit unexpected, as Reggie Jackson’s reaction shows. But really, we are no strangers to seeing fans compete against each other to shoot baskets for meager corporate-subsidized prizes during TV timeouts. (Can’t have a TV timeout without also advertising to the schmucks who paid!) And at halftime, when children’s teams come on to play quick five-minute games, we are all there cheering them on to make a bucket — any bucket! (But they only shoot threes.)

Really, the only basketball act that seems to cheapen the experience of being at an NBA game is watching the trampoline dunk teams. For a brief transfiguring instant in time they assume a superhuman position above our wildest dreams of what is possible. But we can never truly forget the deceptive presence of the trampoline, and so these insane feats always come pre-packaged with an asterisk, and thus the self-assured confidence that, if we just renewed our gym memberships and maybe took up yoga and eating a bit better for a few months, we could easily do the same.

So let’s return to the original act, from the eyes of Devin Harris. Not only does he get a momentary breather from the game, but his mediocre outside shooting (career 32.4% from three) is vindicated by having some club-happy, martini-sipping douchebag clad in all black miss by a mile. Basketball is hard, this fucking cretinous amateur reminds us: it is a deeply-practiced craft, not a hobby. We can only hope to master basketball in the blink of an eye — darkened gyms, long hours — before so-called “old age” (a technologically-assisted 35 or 40 years?) finally catches up to us.

That’s why the NBA is now encouraging fans to bring thousands of their own basketballs to shoot during every break in action.

And once again, Shaq has finished with his weakest clip.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 1.5/4 Shaqs

FUCK
-100 Cleveland CAVALIERS Bed bugs. League CURSE

Thanks for reading. We’ll email you the time and link of our upcoming LIVE end-of-season casting, where we’ll be interviewing our league champion, running down the lottery odds, actually holding the lottery, and keeping strictly on-topic. Cheers.

The Commissioner

THE PLAYOFFS: ROUND 1 IN REVIEW

Guys, I’ve had a long week, and haven’t been as active with the League as I’d like. So this is a combination of two weeks’ worth of scoring adjustments, plus the final League Curse that we forgot about. It will be retroactively applied, starting the second week of Round 1.

Let’s get started not with a bang, but a whisper. Namely, Lisa Leslie whispering responses back as Shaq’s jokes fall on deafer-than-usual ears.

I have never seen a quality Shaqtin without the real crew. So strap in for the worst fucking time of your life!

Let’s dive in!!!!!!!!!!!

SHAQ
-100 Kendrick PERKINS The Legend Himself returns here with a quality series of unfortunate events. I’d like to take a moment to absolve Luke Babbitt of any blame, as (1) he didn’t miss the free throw, and (2) Kendrick Perkins doesn’t have hands.

A signature blunder by a Shaqtin a Fool great should be a slam-dunk clip, with at least a 3.5 Shaqtin rating! But when everyone laughs instead of…talking, Shaq is forced to repeat “Which way did it go?” five times. This is a failure to broadcast effectively.

I have no idea what Lisa Leslie whispers in-between segments. Please email me if you do.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 James HARDEN After Shaq correctly pronounces the word “phenomenal,” we are witness to a quality error by Harden. There are real shades of the classic Otto Porter fuck-up that won Shaqtin that one year!

But while the play itself is strong, it’s all a bit too predictable by now. Shaq thinks Harden is a bitch, and I’m starting to feel like I’ve seen too many of these already.

I have to dock it an additional point as, once again, Shaq’s three co-hosts devolve into undecipherable mumbling and semi-syntantic repetition (“Ball to man! Ball to man!”) Would be a 2.5 normally.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 1.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Al JEFFERSON This is objectively a quality fuck-up by Al Jefferson. It even gets better under replay! The spinning, no-look pass is endearingly bizarre, but a heaviness fills my stomach as the fake studio laughter intensifies. These great clips (another 3.5!) are going to waste.

Lisa Leslie audibly restrains herself from saying “What the hell?” By the way, the normal crew says hell and damn all the time.

“Go to your spot, Jeremy!” really sounds desperate from Shaq. The segment is crumbling, and it’s not his fault!

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Lance STEPHENSON I love this play. I thought about giving it a 4, but it’s so hard to be objective here. Faced with the possibility of on-air silence, Shaq repeats “TRAGIC BRONSON ALERT” 5 times, and “I repeat” 3 times.

And yet, the botched crossover, attempted hustle, and stumbling crawl behind half court — where, contrary to the insistence of some asshole (“He got it”: 3x), Lance could not have legally re-established possession  — is a perfect synecdoche for his entire career. He was born ready, for high school basketball in New York. A true living tragedy.

I just can’t de-couple this one from its abysmal on-set context. It’s a 3.5 for me, which means a 2.5 given Shaq’s awful fake crew.

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 Kyle LOWRY I don’t think this is a real Shaqtin, as Kyle Lowry shows a moment of raw emotion for the game of basketball that vastly exceeds anything we ever got out of Shaq.

But the flinch was good, and the bit was so short (7 seconds) that the crew couldn’t ruin it for me any further! Yay!!

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2/4 Shaqs

-100 Kevin SERAPHIN This one is baffling to me. It’s not Kevin’s fault that the kid is an oblivious moron who moves unavoidably into his way. That would 100% be a blocking foul.

And yet…I do enjoy violence against small children. The crew even enhances the impact with their enthusiastic groans! Way to go guys!!! You’re really getting it?

Overall Shaqtin rating: 2.5/4 Shaqs

-100 DeMarcus COUSINS ????????

I don’t think anything really happened here. The crew certainly didn’t have any jokes. Why can’t Shaq end these in a satisfying way?

Overall Shaqtin rating: 0/4 Shaqs

MISC
-20 Matt BARNES Big fight Suspended 1 game.
-15 Greivis VASQUEZ Big fight Fined $15,000.
-10 Giannis ANTETOKOUMPO Big fight Fined $10,000.
-10 Greg MONROE Big fight Fined $10,000.
-20 Blake GRIFFIN Fisticuffs Suspended 1st of 4 games.
FUCK
-100 Phoenix SUNS Chuck. League CURSE

It’s time to get a new Curse, though, for the second week of Round 1, and the remainder of our 2015-16 journey. Here are your nominees for League Curse:

FUCK
6 losses Cleveland CAVALIERS Bed Bugs:

A lot of weird things are happening in Cleveland these days, so I’m going to try to clear the air by asking a series of questions.

Are bed bugs real?

Was Kyrie Irving the only one on his team to get bed bugs? Why didn’t he switch rooms with Dellallvelveledova, no one likes him.

Why did he notice he was getting bit, but not get out of bed? This is his real story about that night.

Kyrie says he counted five bed bugs. Why was he counting them? I would try to leave.

Who booked the hotel?

Do bed bugs really give you “flu-like symptoms”? Or was he nauseated afterwards because he’s a little bitch?

I didn’t know Hilton Hotels were 4 stars. But this one was.

Sorry that wasn’t a question.

Are those 4 Oklahoma City hotel stars, or 4 hotel stars? What’s a 1 hotel star hotel like?

Who booked the fucking hotel?

 

I don’t know what happened, but I bet this doesn’t happen for any other team, like the Miami Heat.

Oh. Never mind.

11 losses Brooklyn NETS Markel Brown:

Usually we try to punish institutional failures rather than personal faults with League Curses, but when Markel Brown said this quote, I felt like I stepped into a time machine. I came out on the other side in the acne-ridden year of 2008, when I still thought Will Ferrell was kind of funny. The movie Semi-Pro, which I’ve never seen, was just released, and

Oh fuck I messed up I’m thinking of Anchorman.

In this movie, circa 2004, someone says “60% of the time, it works every time.” It’s not Ron Burgundy, but it’s one of the other people who doesn’t matter. Did you know the sequel got better reviews than the original? That’s weird because they both fucking suck.

Anyway, thinking of Anchorman reminded me of Semi-Pro reminded me of a simpler time, before the development of statistical science. And why was I thinking of Anchorman?

“I feel like every shot I shoot is going to go in – at least 50% of the time.”

Thanks for the memories, Markel. By the way, you’re shooting 37% on the year.

6 losses Cleveland CAVALIERS Social Media:

I have always been vocal in my distaste for social media. I think things like Facebook and Twitter should only be used for annoying or ignoring other people, not for curating news or inspiring others. Actually, I don’t think they should be used at all.

But LeBron unliked the Cavaliers on Instagram or Twitter or both, and then re-liked it a couple days later, but you know that was on purpose because you have to hit a button, and meanwhile he ignored people asking about it. And he definitely knows about mute or whatever because he has millions of followers. I’d have guessed there’d be a mute function and I have like ten. But then LeBron tweeted a bunch of weird things and he also still likes hanging out with Dwyane Wade and is openly fantasizing about creating a Super Team with Chris Paul and Carmelo Anthony and D Wade who, notably, are not Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving. And then guys like J.R. have to be cool about it like “that’s a cool team, I hope I’m invited. You know, because I’m LeBron’s teammate every day right now.”

So I guess I just wish that LeBron would try to to fit in instead of out or whatever #TheLand #IPromise #StriveForGreatness #CancerSucks

And yes the #CancerSucks is a real hashtag he used, but I think making it a hashtag is kind of cheaply demeaning. Like, where are the cancer fans?

I think I’ve said enough about social media.

9 losses Houston ROCKETS Stickum:

No one can agree on how to spell this, so I’m going with Stickum. I’ve seen Stickam and Stickem and Stick Em, even in the same article. It’s weird because it’s a real product-name-turned-name-of-the-product-line-for-all-its-competitors-too, sort of like Kleenex, our presenting sponsor today. Remember to only touch yourself with the best: Kleenex-brand tissues.

Anyway, I think everyone is confused why you would want Stickum in basketball, and why Dwight Howard would just readily admit to using it for years, as though that would make things better. But Dwight Howard is a real-life Game of Throne character. He’s a cheater, turncoat, homophobe, and has a zillion bastard children. Sorry I only read the first two books, but that’s probably close enough.

He also wants the NBA to add a cross to its logo. Dwight Howard is an idiot who would blend seamlessly into a 9th-century feudalist society. He is so hopelessly behind his time that I don’t ask his brain to make sense anymore. In fact, I’m done thinking about Dwight Howard for the month.

9 wins Boston CELTICS BLESSING: Evan Turner

Oh yeah, since we’ve already broken our no-individual-players rule, Mike and I wanted to BLESS the Boston Celtics for giving us Evan Turner. He seems like a cool, relatively normal guy who sometimes says funny shit. Thanks, Evan!

And the League Curse goes to:

Drumroll please

The Bed Bugs have it! It’s your Cleveland Cavaliers, owned by nobody!

Congrats everyone, and good (or bad) luck in the rest of the playoffs.