Weeks 9 and 10 in Review

Shaq is nowhere to be seen. SHAQ. Are you there?

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Week 9:

MISC
-40 Al JEFFERSON Smoke weed everyday. Served last 2 suspensions.
-20 Ty LAWSON You can probably guess. Served last suspension.
-20 Markieff MORRIS Towelboy. Served first of 2-game suspension.
FUCK
-100 Philadelphia 76ERS Ugh, just ask Tim and Max. League CURSE

 

Week 10:

MISC
-20 Markieff MORRIS Towelboy. Served last suspension.
-40 Matt BARNES Swift justice. Served 2-game suspension.
FUCK
-100 Philadelphia 76ERS Ugh, just ask Tim and Max. League CURSE
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WEEK 8 IN REVIEW

This week, we witness the return of another Shaqtin a Fool legend.

SHAQ
-100 John HENSON 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10.
-100 All LAKER FANS If you are a Laker fan, this may be a good time to die of awkwardness.
-100 Kendrick PERKINS “It’s a decision.”
-200 Andrea BARGNANI Screw it. Double turnover, DOUBLE SHAQTIN.
-100 Garlon GREEN More like “Dumbass Green” amirite?
MISC
-60 Al JEFFERSON Smoke weed everyday. Served 3 of 5 suspensions.
-20 Ty LAWSON You can probably guess. Served 1 of 2 games.
-35 Paul GEORGE Refs have feelings, too. Fined $35,000.
FUCK
-100 Los Angeles CLIPPERS Choking/sucking League CURSE

WEEK 7 IN REVIEW

 

Shaq’s back, and even a mediocre episode would be welcome. Instead, he returns with one of the Shaqtin a Fool legends that we honestly have to credit for the creation of Chode League in the first place. He’s #1 on the Chode League Mount Rushmore and in our hearts.

JaVale.

McGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And after that, Shaq continues on with a notably mediocre episode.

For all zero of you wondering, Al Jefferson’s “Don’t do drugs!” suspension will only be served, per NBA rules, once he is healthy enough to be eligible to play. You gotta wait on those -100 points boys!!!

SHAQ
-100 JaVale McGEE Sitting down. Welcome back bud.
-100 Otto PORTER OTTOPILOT. YES I’M WATCHING, KENNY.
-100 Kristaps PORZINGIS Slippin and trippin. And Three 6 Latvia sucks.
-100 Jeremy LIN Confirmed for brain hemorrhage.
-100 Dirk NOWITZKI Hopscotch: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.
MISC
-20 Rajon RONDO Don’t say faggot. Wait, remember when Kobe did that and was fined $100,000? Suspended 1 game.
FUCK
-100 Los Angeles CLIPPERS Choking/sucking League CURSE

WEEK 6 IN REVIEW

You know what? As much as we rag on Shaq, this segment really sucks without him. Almost enough for me to actually write an article on it. But I refuse to put KENNY as the column header in this table. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction.

“Yeah, I’m gonna handle Shaqtin’ a fool because Shaq is a fool and I’m gonna keep him uh in his place” oh Christ. At least E.J. was equally incredulous about the phrase “Kennying around.”

This episode is seriously the height of nonmedy, and you need to see it for yourself.

SHAQ
-200 James HARDEN Double-dip: THE WORST defender. “What the heck??”
-100 Dion WAITERS The GIFT. “Oo, they need to clean the floor.”
-100 Marcelo HUERTAS “Is he a Laker? Oh my gosh!”
-100 Shane LARKIN I am considering Brook Lopez a victim of circumstance. “noyoutakeitoutnoitakeitout.”
-100 Mike SCOTT “Great Scott.” “OH we’re in the NBA I’m sorry.”
-100 Rodney HOOD “Gives Steven Adams the easiest shot-block in the history.” “Why did he do that?””Get that fly outta here! Get that fly!”
-100 LeBron JAMES “Wait, what?” “That’s illegal!” Feat. a Leo DiCaprio impression at the end.
-100 Matthew DELLAVEDOVA “Shaq, I mean Chuck, 1-2-3-4-5.” “Come on ref, wake up!”
-100 Carmelo ANTHONY “1-2-3-4-5-6-7.” “Even more than Dellavedova!”
-100 Vince CARTER “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.”
MISC
-25 Reggie JACKSON Being mean to a ref Fined $25,000
-40 Jahlil OKAFOR Being 19. I mean being retarded. Suspended 2 games
FUCK
-100 Los Angeles CLIPPERS Choking/sucking League CURSE

 

Week 5 in Review

Well Shaq’s been too busy stuffing his face to start Shaqtin up. And the league’s still not punishing Jahlil for being an idiot. But here at Chode League, no already-punished violation will go further unpunished. And let me tell you, there’s lots of coach-on-ref violence worth mentioning.

MISC
-25 Atlanta HAWKS Budenholzer’s body slam Fined $25,000
-20 Milwaukee BUCKS Kidd’s ball slapping Suspended 1 game
FUCK
-100 Los Angeles Clippers Choking/sucking League CURSE

Well, it happened twice anyway.

Week 4 in Review

Here at Chode League, we have an ongoing policy of never, ever, EVER discussing Dion Waiter’s errors of judgment or character in any detail. His idiocy is so brute, so thorough and all-consuming, that anything less than a complete biography would somehow seem to sell his brainlessness short.

And you know what? Fuck it, maybe we’ll throw something together soon.

League curse info coming soon.

SHAQ
-100 Marcelo HUERTAS Perdido
-100 Chris KAMAN Pick and let the ball roll
-100 Marcin GORTAT Fire safety
-100 Dion WAITERS Is a fucking idiot
-100 Rondae HOLLIS-JEFFERSON Rondae Holds-Draymond’s-Hand
MISC
-15 Marvin WILLIAMS Louis Amundson’s head Fined $15,000
-20 DeMarcus COUSINS Al Horford’s head Suspended 1 game

Week 3 in Review for 2015-16

I have given this suspension the most descriptive text possible. Was Gerald sick? Or was he drunk? And why don’t any two reports sound like the’re about the same incident?

If you have any idea what Gerald Green actually did please call 1-800-577-TIPS.

SHAQ
-100 Kemba WALKER Family name
-100 Adreian PAYNE Family name
-100 Isaiah THOMAS Pick and rollover
-100 Amir JOHNSON Pick and rollover
-100 Tim DUNCAN THE BIG DUMBDAMENTAL
-100 Marcelo HUERTAS #YOLO
MISC
-40 Gerald GREEN Fire rescue Suspended 2 games