SUIT & NUT: Stance NBA Core Socks Rankings

The NBA is no stranger to great accessories: Kareem put Rec Specs on the map, headbands have stayed popular for decades, and Allen Iverson introduced sleeves that do nothing. Despite the increasing flashiness of socks made by athletic companies since 2010, the NBA stood pat in its rule that game socks must either be all white or all black. This season, that awful Berlin Wall of a rule came crumbling down when the NBA made Stance the official sock partner of the NBA.

Creating unique designs for 30 NBA teams is a daunting task, but Stance handled it well. Most of these look great on the court with the jerseys, many translate well for the average NBA fan to wear during pickup, and a few are just…interesting. Suit & Nut presents a ranking of all the Stance Core socks from worst to first, based on how well the socks fit with the uniform, if they translate well for fans to wear in public, and uniqueness.

TEAMS 26-30: SOCK ME IN THE FACE.

30. Houston ROCKETS

SUIT: Shitty jerseys warrant shitty socks.

NUT: Nothing says Houston like wavy,  pinkish lines. Except maybe anything else.

tjvnkws

“Actually, I wasn’t saying anything.”

As mentioned in our jersey rankings last year, the Rockets have the worst jerseys in the NBA, so it’s fitting that they have the worst socks too. Stance cannot be put entirely at fault here, but nothing about these socks is exciting. The thick red bar surrounded by thinner, wavy red lines just looks strange. It would’ve been nice to incorporate the Rockets’ Asian-inspired lettering, or even the exhaust of a rocket ship. But as-is, even the Yao meme face is cooler.

29. Brooklyn NETS

SUIT: Given nothing to work with, Stance at least tried something new

NUT: Very minimal and cleaned out, much like the Nets’ roster.

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Even Stance is too ashamed to feature these socks on their site, so here is a shittier, tinier picture.

Black is cool, right? Well…not when it’s the ultimate symbol of an empty void of a franchise. It’s unseen in the picture, but there is a vertical grey stripe on the front that at least brings uniqueness to the design. Even so, most people wouldn’t notice you were wearing these. In Stance’s defense, the Nets have ultra-simplistic jerseys and a boring team name, so there wasn’t much to work with here. It’s okay, most people in Brooklyn don’t notice the Nets anyway.

28. Los Angeles CLIPPERS

SUIT: As bad as the rebrand.

NUT: If you wore this to a pickup game I would think you were cosplaying as boredom.

evmk1wn

Actually, I’m dressed as choking.”

Like the Rockets, the Clippers have no soul let Stance down with their widely hated rebranding. Had they given the fans a cool nautical-themed redesign, we could be looking at socks with anchors, or maybe choppy waves on them. Instead, we get one thick red stripe and one thin blue stripe. How balanced and classic! These socks are about as aesthetically pleasing as DeAndre’s free throw shooting.

27. Chicago BULLS

SUIT: Chicago’s iconic uniforms deserved better.

NUT: Of all the socks, maybe this is the one that no one needs to buy.

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Pictured: The Stance “KFC” Core Sock

The biggest issue with these socks is that they are entirely too white. The Bulls’ red and black color combination is one of the most recognizable in the league, so it’s a huge shame that Stance held back. Adding more color to the mix — maybe even replicating the black and red pinstripes — would have been ideal. But if you wear these socks, no one will guess which team you’re even repping.

26. Dallas MAVERICKS

SUIT: Every bit as flashy as Zaza Pachulia.

NUT: And like Zaza, this sock could have belonged to about fifteen NBA teams.

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The only NBA sock designed to be concealed under boots.

Dallas’ sock falls short by being simple to a fault. The evenly spaced pattern incorporating the blue-and-gray color scheme is fine, but it cuts off awkwardly just about halfway down the sock, making the sock look incomplete. Giving up halfway through is so Rondo-era anyway.

TEAMS 21-25: HEEL NO.

25. Atlanta HAWKS

SUIT: So much potential wasted.

NUT: What do we want? Neon green! Where do we want it? Where it will be hidden by almost any shoe.

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I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. Also, I’m furious.

The Hawks unveiled incredibly divisive uniforms this year, and whether you love them or hate them (we are huge fans), Stance had an amazing opportunity to play off Atlanta’s new triangle motif. Instead, the Hawks were given a sock that is mostly white and has no clear design direction. The pattern only covers the back portion of the sock, and mysteriously features a red pyramid made up of lines with uneven thicknesses. Overall, these socks are perfect if you’re too embarrassed to show anyone standing in front of you that you’re wearing Hawks socks.

24. Detroit PISTONS

SUIT: Shitty enough to be confused with the Clippers

NUT: You know these socks make me think of? Delicious Crest Toothpaste, sponsored by ChodeLeague.com!

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Form a fucking wall against gingivitis! Tell your cashier about ChodeLeague.com for $0 off your next purchase.

These socks don’t scream DEEETROOIITTT BAAASKETBAAALLLLL by any means, but at least the pattern looks clean and simple. Stance isn’t really at fault since the Pistons lack anything distinctive about their current uniforms (why not add patches of shoulder hair?), but the end result is still mostly underwhelming.

23. Boston CELTICS

SUIT: Sadly, no clovers in the atmosphere.

NUT: It’s green alright, but that’s hardly an accomplishment in a world so lushly full of other green objects, like grass or trees or better socks.

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They could at least put a picture of Larry Bird giving the finger.

Looks like Boston’s luck o’ the Irish fell short here. A three-leaf clover design seems like the obvious design choice for Celtics socks, but instead Boston was given, uh…green stripes. That’s it? Not even a hint of gold?

22. Philadelphia 76ERS

SUIT: It has stars. Woohoo?

NUT: The 76ers have no stars, so this sock doesn’t match the team’s culture.

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To both of our fans: please stop sending me “Ish Smith for MVP” emails.

Bonus points for going with stars over more red, white, and blue stripes, but that’s really all this sock has going for it. Overall, the sock is a bit bland and does not translate well to wearing in pickup. It would have been cool to see something with a 7 on one sock and a 6 on the other. Or maybe lottery balls.

21. Orlando MAGIC

SUIT: Perfect match for the jersey, but don’t wear them in public.

NUT: I hate these fucking socks and, metaphors aside, having pregnant feet doesn’t look cool.

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#PregnantShaming

Like the team itself, the socks subtly mirror the stretchmarks of a franchise swollen with potential. The pinstripes are distinctly reminiscent of the pinstripes on Orlando’s jerseys, and can work as part of that look. But wearing these in public would look silly, so please don’t.

TEAMS 16-20: A LEG TO STAND ON.

20. Los Angeles LAKERS

SUIT: Why so white? What is this, The Oscars?

NUT: Why do the yellow lines go up and down like a square wave? That’s not Lakery, that’s fakery.

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“These socks are in style and denial.” -Clyde Frazier, probably.

The Lakers have one of the most iconic jerseys in the entire league. Sadly, these socks are only semi-identifiable as a Lakers sock. L.A. is clearly identified as “Purple and Gold,” but once you put on shoes, these socks are significantly lacking in the purple department. Why not try adding the 16 championship stars in their center court logo, or some other stylish touch? How about you make it clear that these socks belong to one of the most famous franchises in all of sports? These socks are nice, but they aren’t Showtime yet.

19. Indiana PACERS

SUIT: Nice design, but when did grey become their primary color?

NUT: Pro: looks cool. Con: doesn’t look like the Pacers.

m559c5ccpa-gry

It reminds me of Bing.

The two arrows are a nice play on the traditional horizontal stripe pattern seen on most of these socks. However, the overall grayness of the sock looks a bit bland, which somehow reminds me of C.J. Miles. Ugh, I didn’t want to think about him. The Pacers’ color scheme is navy and gold, so why not feature those colors more prominently?

18. Milwaukee BUCKS

SUIT: Meshes well with the color scheme, but that’s about it.

NUT: This sock is as dull as my grandmother I don’t visit.

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I really don’t like her cookies either.

These socks do a fantastic job of capturing the Bucks’ fresh new color scheme: primarily green and cream, with accents of black and blue. Unfortunately, they also represent Milwaukee well by being incredibly drab and boring. They’re not exciting socks, but they work well enough for a city best-known for having indoor tunnels connecting all its buildings.

17. Toronto RAPTORS

SUIT: BRING BACK THE PURPLE.

NUT: If you wore these to a pickup game I would guess you had mixed them up in the wash. Or maybe the trash?

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Pro: colorful. Con: that color is red.

The Raptors ditched purple much like Carter ditched the team, and what an enduring mistake. These socks aren’t bad, but just remind us of what could have been. Sigh.

16. San Antonio SPURS

SUIT: I guess it matches the boring jerseys?

NUT: Well, I know it does.

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Tim Duncan designed these socks while volunteering in a nursing home. In a fifty-minute presentation, he explained to a design committee of retired Depression-era seniors that the silver and white stripes added “visual interest,” but “hopefully not too much pizzazz.”

The Spurs already have a boring color scheme and boring jerseys, so it only makes sense to throw in boring socks as well! But really, the world needs San Antonio to embrace the teal, pink, and orange again. Even Kawhi couldn’t look bored in that. And can you imagine this sock with three colorful fiesta stripes? Now that would be a sock as beautiful as Spurs basketball.

TEAMS 11-15: NOT CALF BAD.

15. Utah JAZZ

SUIT: Are the diagonals a mountain? They should be a mountain.

NUT: The white diagonal stripes weird me out, like when spaces on a page of a novel line up.

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You know what else weirds me out? When I look at Gobert’s arms for too long. I feel like his biceps and forearms are the exact same size and length, and his elbows look like thoroughly inadequate hinges to hold it all together. Then he lets it all droop from his shoulders like he has the arms of a 70-year-old man. Sorry, what are we talking about?

An ideal sock for the Jazz would have somehow captured that classic mountain range logo we’ve come to associate with losing the Finals in heart-breaking fashion. Instead, we are left with what I think are crop circles? It’s hard to tell what’s going on with all the white in this sock, but they still look nice.

14. SacramenToe KINGS

SUIT: Cool colors, confusing design.

NUT: In this cool throwback sock, the Sacramento Kings pay homage to gladiator sandals from the 204-205 A.D. season.

m559c5ccki-pur

How “””””unique.”””””

The diagonal zigzags are unique, and the purple and black make for a solidly recognizable combination. That being said, the design itself is a bit confusing. Why not arrange the zigzags to form the Kings crown, and pay homage to the logo? That would be fun. Meh, must be Vivek’s fault.

13. Minnesota TIMBERWOLVES

SUIT: Awesome design, but needs more colors. Hey, so do the Wolves.

NUT: Con: drawing angel wings on the back won’t make you dunk any higher.

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Conceptually, I want to like it. Like drafting Jonny Flynn. Unfortunately, I am cursed with eyes.

Not only do these socks semi-recognizably incorporate the logo of the Timberwolves, but they also arrange the logo such that the full picture spans both socks. It’s an interesting choice. It…kinda doesn’t work, mainly due to all the white space. We wouldn’t wear these outside.

12. Memphis GRIZZLIES

SUIT: So fresh, but why so grey?

NUT: Looks like Derek Fisher isn’t the only one fucking over the Grizzlies this year.

 

m559c5ccgr-nvy

“Suit and Nut’s comments condoning violence do not reflect who we are as a league or the character of our players,” said Kiki VanDeWeghe, NBA executive vice president of basketball operations.

The pattern on these socks is actually really nice and beautifully simplistic. The problem with this pair is the overuse of gray on both the stripes and the ankle panels. It’s a bit too much. Swap out yellow for either one of those, and Memphis’ socks would have a much-needed punch of color. But enough about punches.

11. Phoenix SUNS

SUIT: The Suns need to bring back purple so Stance can make a better version.

NUT: This is my 258th highest priority if I’m running the 2015-16 Phoenix Suns. And at this point, I might as well be.

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257th priority: The fans.

The gradually-thinning stripes are a nice breath of fresh air in Stance’s sock line, and honestly the orange itself is pretty nice. As much as we’d like to penalize them for omitting purple from the design, we can’t. Recently, the Suns have been making a (foolishly) concerted effort to remove purple from their color scheme. And also to remove all talent from their roster. Anyway, a purple-and-orange remix of these next year would be incredible. Pretty please?

TEAMS 6-10: A STEP UP.

10. Oklahoma City THUNDER

SUIT: They look great with the jersey, but are the jerseys that great?

NUT: Why was that a question?

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And why were those uniforms the answer?

Nothing too creative, but these flow with the OKC uniforms so well. Though the Thunder’s color scheme may not be everyone’s favorite, it is certainly distinctive, and these socks make it very clear which team they belong to. That’s honestly all you were looking for in a $26 sock — you wanted to own the only piece of art in Oklahoma.

9. Cleveland CAVALIERS

SUIT: Ugh.

NUT: Pro: no white. Con: no Wade or Bosh.

m559c5ccca-red

=[

Fuck the Cavs, we all miss the Heatles. For all its talent, this team is still weirdly boring. We’re done talking about these socks, even though they’re kinda fresh.

8. Miami HEAT

SUIT: Distinctly Miami. Dale.

NUT: A slick look for the NBA’s cocky villains. Or rather, Goran Dragic to wear when he fucks up again.

m559c5cche_1

Sometimes I miss Chalmers, but that’s just the magic of Moron Dragic.

This sock reflects both the color scheme and overall design of the Heat jerseys very well. Yellow for the ankle panels would’ve made for a nice pop of color, but there isn’t much yellow in the Heat’s jerseys, so that’s okay. Everything just makes sense here, and these socks even translate well to everyday use, so we give these a full green light for pickup.

7. New York KNICKS

SUIT: Kristaps Porzingis #NBAVote

NUT: The orange waves are weird. The amount of gray is weird. The Knicks fans are weird. Perfect sock for them.

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(Please don’t make him an All-Star.)

Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis these socks look cool Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis Porzingis.

6. New Orleans PELICANS

SUIT: Makes their color scheme look sweet: a pleasant surprise.

NUT: Doesn’t remind me of birds, 0/10.

m559c5ccpe-nvy

These have been the only good news for Pelicans fans all year.

When the Pelicans didn’t throw caution to the wind and make their color scheme a purple, green, and gold Mardi Gras celebration, many NBA fans were disappointed at the loss of what could have been. Well, we were disappointed. But put all that aside! These socks really showcase the potential of the color palette that New Orleans did choose. The deep navy, gold, and shock red look classy together, creating a color combo not only rarely seen in the NBA, but also in everyday basketball clothes. These should translate seamlessly to the gym, unlike your unibrow.

TEAMS 1-5: TOETALLY TUBULAR.

5. Washington WIZARDS

SUIT: Somehow managed to make a simple two-stripe sock scream Wizards.

NUT: Somehow managed to make a simple Eastern Conference schedule scream losing.

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What’s with all the screaming? OH MY GOD I love these socks.

Many teams in the NBA have a red, white, and blue color scheme, and many of Stance’s socks for these teams could be interchangeable. However, these socks are so distinctly Washington it’s hard to believe. The Wizards’ uniforms have just a few characteristically-wide stripes, and these socks match perfectly. Well done, Stance.

4. Golden State WARRIORS

SUIT: Simple, but understandably so.

NUT: This one uses open white space effectively, much like the Warriors do while spacing the floor.

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It’s beautiful, but I do kinda wish it had the bridge or the trolley.

As mentioned in our jersey rankings last year, the Warriors clearly have the best uniforms in the league. Thus, creating a great sock for them would only require making something that flowed well with the jersey. Stance did just that. It’s a bit safe, but it makes for a nice-looking sock for both pros and everyday ballers. Wear these and heave up idiot threes to your heart’s content.

3. Portland TRAIL BLAZERS

SUIT: In two stripes, these socks perfectly represent the Blazers.

NUT: Though to be fair, no one has fucked this up in thirty years.

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And we are super fair.

The Blazers have always done an incredible job of turning their fantastic logo into a very recognizable aspect of their jerseys. Every Portland jersey since the formation of the team has followed the same general theme, and by now the striped look is downright iconic. Fortunately, Stance continued things perfectly with these socks. They are simple yet elegant, and compliment the Blazers’ uniforms flawlessly.

2. Charlotte HORNETS

SUIT: On their own, fresh. When paired with the jersey, incredible.

NUT: These are viable for a wedding or bar mitzvah. It’s so weird that Michael Jordan’s team has turned fashionable on him.

m559c5ccho-tea

Now this is art.

Easily the best use of a nonspecific pattern for a team sock. Charlotte has one of the boldest color schemes in the league, and Stance used it to its fullest potential in these socks. The narrow stripe pattern is very modern, which works incredibly well with the Hornets’ futuristic jersey design. Even better, these socks look fantastic in general, so fans would only look out of place wearing these in a trailer home.

1. Denver NUGGETS

SUIT: This is what every sock should strive to be.

NUT: The Platonic Form of a regionally-distinctive athletic sock

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Unf, these make me want to move to Denver.

Without a doubt, these are the best socks that Stance has made for the NBA. They perfectly represent the Nuggets’ logo without being too busy or distracting. The color scheme is fully represented, and the socks look great from every angle. Stance has mentioned that sock designs will be changed for next season, so hopefully more team logos can be expanded into the socks like this (imagine a Heat flame sock, or a Suns sunburst sock.) These socks celebrate the Nuggets in the best way, and they are simply beautiful.


There you have it, another definitive list that will anger many and confuse most as to why we care about socks so much. All in all, we’re just glad that the NBA added some style to the game by partnering with Stance. The Core socks and Logo socks both look dope, and the special event socks such as Christmas and MLK Day were beyond fresh. Keep it up, Stance. We’re excited to see what you bring out in the future.

s&n big

Suit (Mike) & Nut (Ricky) are writers for ChodeLeague.com and hosts of the Suit & Nut Podcast. They also run Chode League, a bad-on-purpose fantasy basketball league. You can follow them on Twitter at @ChodeLeague.

Houston, We Have A Problem… With Your Broadcasters

The Tale of a Knicks Fan Forced to Listen to the Other Clyde

Though the New York Knicks have had their ups and downs since the Ewing Era (okay, downs and downs), they have had the phenomenal broadcasting duo of Mike “BANG!” Breen and Walt “Clyde” Frazier since 2004. Before Breen, they had Marv Albert, so the Knicks have always had a broadcasting team you could really sink your teeth into.

But for Knicks fans beyond the tri-state area, sometimes listening to the announcers of other teams while watching the Knickerbockers is the only option. Though often left longing for the MSG dynamic duo, the broadcasters of other teams usually do not significantly hinder a fan’s game-watching experience. That is, unless the game is being called by Bill Worrell and Clyde Drexler, the broadcasting team of the Houston Rockets.

“Clyde, don’t they know there can only be one?” “Sorry, I can’t hear you over my suit.”

I found myself in this unfortunate predicament when the Knicks faced off against the Rockets on November 21. Zach Lowe and other NBA media members had mentioned Houston’s poor playcalling in the past, so I figured I’d be in for a good chuckle. Boy, was I wrong.

Never have there been announcers more biased, petty, and uninformed than these two. Their atrocious game calling became so appalling that I decided to take notes on the most absurd things they said. Here are those notes:

FIRST QUARTER – “Okay, Lowe was right; they’re bad.”

  • As the game begins, Drexler disputes Worrell’s statement that 7’3” Kristaps Porzingis is, in fact, 7’3” tall. When Worrell affirms his listed height as a fact, Drexler acts unimpressed by stating, “Well Sampson was 7’4”…………”
  • It takes two minutes for the Rockets to be called for a foul. Coincidentally, it takes two minutes for Drexler to argue a call, claiming not enough contact was made in order to warrant a whistle.
  • Roughly two minutes later, both broadcasters — acting in their professional roles as living witnesses of Hakeem Olajuwon — claim that Robin Lopez travelled on a completely legal drop-step move.
  • When Derrick Williams is subbed in for the Knicks halfway through the first quarter, Worrell claims he was a #1 overall pick, forgetting the Cavs were “completely randomly selected for the #1 pick” after losing LeBron.
  • When Arron Afflalo is at the foul line, Worrell says, “Afflalo used to have some success while in Denver. I say some.” While in Denver from ’09-’12, Afflalo averaged 12.2 ppg, 2.2 apg, and 3.3 rpg on 48/42/80 shooting. His best years were in Orlando, where he averaged 17, 3.5, 3.5 on 46/42/85 shooting. It’s unclear why Worrell is so negative towards Afflalo, especially while mis-identifying his best years. Bill Worrell has had no success.
  • With ten seconds remaining in the quarter, a pick is set by Terrence Jones on James Harden’s defender, Lance Thomas. Worrell states, “After the switch on the screen, Harden is being guarded by… someone else…” There was no switch on the pick, and Thomas had been guarding Harden since subbing in near the four minute mark.
  • Having one foul to give, Thomas fouls Harden on a drive attempt with four seconds left before he crosses the foul line to reset the play. This happens a few times every game. Worrell claims, “Well, after that switch, there was no way Thomas could keep up with Harden,” as the reasoning for the foul. Harden had not made a shot since Thomas entered the game. As the Rockets ran their final play with four seconds left, Thomas forced Harden into taking a highly contest jumper, which bricked off the front iron.

“Shockingly good ‘commentating.'”

SECOND QUARTER – “Wow, these guys love arguing calls…”

  • Whoever the hell their third guy in the booth is (COMMISSIONER’S NOTE: It’s Matt “Fucking Insufferable” Bullard, the Matt Bonner of the 90’s), he busted out this gem before the quarter started: “The Rockets’ bench ranks 29th in scoring in this league of 30. The Knicks’ ranks 4th. So the Knicks have a much better scoring bench than the Rockets.” How profound.
  • One minute into the quarter, Ty Lawson goes in for a layup but is blocked cleanly. Both Worrell and Drexler argue for a minute that he was fouled, failing to comment at all on the following two possessions.
  • Clyde Drexler utters the phrase “They are playing basketball.” This was one of the few true statements made all evening.
  • Clint Capella shuffles his feet and dips his shoulder on a pick and is called for a illegal screen. Worrell yells “Aww, come on! The guy ran into him!” Clyde sarcastically states, “Well, you have to be a really good official to make that call.” Worrell replies, “Wow. You have to have a bit of an imagination to make that call.”
  • Throughout the quarter, Drexler argues the Rockets should stop taking threes and should look to get closer shots. Clearly he is unaware of Morey’s “The Midrange is Lava” technique. He later goes on to say “The mid-range jumper is probably the best part of the NBA right now.”

THIRD QUARTER – “How are these men still employed?”

  • Harden drives, draws help defense, and kicks it out to a wide-open Trevor Ariza, who misses the three. Drexler cries, “Oh no, don’t start that again. We’ve seen that all season. Attach the basket.” Ariza has been shooting 35% on 3s at this point in the season, which is just above the league average.
  • Lance Thomas has to sub in as Melo picks up his 4th foul, three minutes into the quarter. Since he was not expecting to sub in this early, he takes a bit of time to get off the bench and remove his warmups, but is clearly rushing to do so. Bill Worrell claims that the Knicks should be called for a delay of game penalty because Thomas took too long to take off his warmups. Drexler adds that Thomas should be penalized for entering the court with an untucked jersey.

After this happened, I muted my television for the rest of the third quarter because I couldn’t believe they were actually lobbying for this. I wanted to enjoy the Knicks playing well for a bit without the distraction of these two.

“Fuck this, I’m out.”

FOURTH QUARTER – “Clyde Drexler should be stripped of his ring.”

  • Corey Brewer, who had made back-to-back three pointers to end the 3rd, finally misses a three early in the fourth. Drexler chimes in, “When the threes aren’t hitting, you gotta take it inside.”
  • Harden attempts to draw an offensive foul on a drive to the basket by the Knicks, and no call is made either way. Worrell comments, “I thought they would’ve called foul! You know, Derek Fisher was a world-class flopper. Don’t think he didn’t pass that on to his team as well.” Did he forget Harden also enjoys a good flop from time to time?
  • Capella commits a loose-ball foul by grabbing the arm of Robin Lopez on a rebound attempt. Clyde asks, “Wasn’t he over Capella’s back?”
  • While Lou Amundson is shooting foul shots, Drexler states “Amundson had a great year for the Phoenix Suns. [laughs] A good year I should say. I don’t want to misuse that word, he had a GOOD year.” “Yeah, not great…” Worrell adds.
  • Jones goes up for a layup, and is fouled. Worrell: “T Jones, fouled MULTIPLE times on that attempt.”
  • Jones misses his first free throw. Drexler asks, “Wait, is he not a great shooter?” Worrell states, of the home-team player, “48%” Clyde responds, “Oh. Well, you gotta hit that.”
  • Ariza goes for a loose ball, and is called for a foul as he knocks over Langston Galloway while obtaining possession. Drexler argues, “I don’t think Ariza fouled him there. I thought he got all ball.” While Drexler’s comments are technically true, he’s simply never thinking at all.
  • “Earlier in his career, Carmelo could average 7 or 8 rebounds a game.” – Worrell. At the point when this game took place, Carmelo was averaging 7.2 rebounds per game.
  • They both argued that this was not a foul:

    “Pictured: the 6’9 Porzingis FLINGS Harden into a screen.”

Fortunately, the game ended shortly thereafter. The experience showed me that if for some reason the Rockets are the only broadcasting team available for a game, I’m better off listening to LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. Listening to their broadcast is the equivalent to watching a game called by your two pick-up buddies who argue every foul call against them and call foul every time they miss a shot. In other words, it’s equivalent to watching a game called by your two pick-up buddies.

I’d rather listen to a game called by Bill Worrell, the painter, sculptor, and writer. That’s BillWorrell.com. And remember to carpe EVERY diem.

I’m sorry Zach Lowe, I should have heeded your warnings and never subjected myself to this misery. May this post serve as a warning to all of you: do not make the same mistake I did.

 

Original byline: Bill Baptist/NBAE/Getty ImagesMilwaukee Bucks v Houston Rockets

The worst Big Three since Kobe-Nash-Dwight

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is a writer for ChodeLeague and is the Suit half of “Suit & Nut.”

2015 NBA DRAFT SMOOTHIE PREVIEW

Hello Internet, Suit here. One day, Nut and I were in my kitchen making smoothies. We used spinach, kale, strawberries, blueberries, peaches, a banana, and milk. Nut said to me, “That’s such a well-rounded smoothie.” Having gone to the Golden State Warriors game the night before, I replied, “Yeah, it’s like the Warriors of smoothies.”

And that’s when we realized — my beloved New York Knicks are a total shit smoothie.

From that point on, we had to figure out what the other teams would be as smoothies and then share it with you. We decided that each ingredient would correspond to a player and hopefully represent certain qualities about them.

Originally we planned for this to be an end of the season article to kill dead time before the playoffs, but then we had a glorious insight: THE DRAFT ADDS A CORNUCOPIA OF NEW INGREDIENTS. Though it has made some roster designations difficult, as we had to assume all FAs return to their teams, adding draft picks as the “missing ingredients” was too perfect to pass up.

So we hope you like the article, and highly recommend you don’t make 90% of these smoothies. We’ll start with the Golden State Warriors, the best smoothie in basketball, and work backwards through the first round.

Enjoy.

Golden State Warriors
“The Bae Area”
Pick 30

And he’s not even the cutest Curry kid.

PG Steph Curry: Cookies-and-cream-flavored protein powder – A completely unique “glitch in the system” amirite Zach?
SG Klay Thompson: Strawberries – Delicious. Sweet. Could improve almost any smoothie.
SF Harrison Barnes: Blueberries – Shows a nice sweet touch (from outside).
PF Draymond Green: Banana – Pulls everything together, and subtly enhances the other flavors.
C Andrew Bogut: Kale – A great choice. Good for you, and blends in really well.
Bench: Daily multivitamin – A little bit of everything you need.
Chef Steve Kerr: Borrowed a VITAMIX from Pop and somehow worked it flawlessly on the first try.

SUIT: I’d eat this smoothie for every meal, every day.
NUT: I’m 90% sure you already do.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Not much, it’s already basically perfect. But they might add in even some blueberries for even more sweet shooting by picking up ANTHONY BROWN.

SMOOTHIE RATING: A+

Brooklyn NETS
“Ice Ice Baby”
Pick 29

This is the franchise highlight of the past three years.

PG Deron Williams: Milk – This smells right on the edge of spoiling forever.
SG Bojan Bogdanovic: Ice – Takes space up and waters shit down, for now.
SF Joe Johnson: Milk – Seriously, can you take a whiff of this?
PF Thad Young: Pineapple – Potential to be awesome, but disappears in this shitshow.
C Brook Lopez: Bruised banana – Still good despite physical damage.
Bench: Ice – Seriously, there’s nothing of value here.
Chef Lionel Hollins: Manually churning.

SUIT: I can’t wait to see this smoothie in three years.
NUT: Needs more ice.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: It’s basically a White Russian, hold the alcohol. And that’s kind of perfect, so we don’t want this team to improve in any measurable way. We’re gonna give them CHRIS McCULLOUGH and pretend he’s ice and forget about this team for months at a time again.

SMOOTHIE RATING: 0-for-82

Boston CELTICS
“Pope Brad Stevens”
Pick 28

Wow, I suddenly like the Celtics again!

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: They’re picking twice, so we’ll talk more about them later. But they probably pick up a pineapple like JARELL MARTIN here – he shows real promise, and could turn out to be really sweet, but in the wrong mix pineapple just disappears completely. More on these guys later.

Los Angeles LAKERS
“The Last Airbender”
Pick 27

Pictured: Your 2015-16 Los Angeles Lakers.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: We really hate the Lakers, but they can probably get some tequila like TERRY ROZIER here at the end of the first round. More on them later, Cali bros. They’re in the lottery, remember?

San Antonio SPURS
“Doctor’s Orders”
Pick 26

Who could have seen this coming?

PG Tony Parker: Kale – You can never have too much kale.
SG Danny Green: Kale – You can never have too much kale!
SF Kawhi Leonard: Kale – You can never have too much KALE.
PF Tim Duncan: Dinosaur kale – It’s cool they have that.
C Tiago Splitter: Kale – IS THIS ENOUGH KALE YET?
Bench: Kale Sandwich – Oh my God you must be sooo healthy!!
Chef Gregg Popovich: Invented the VITAMIX.

SUIT: “I slam dunk when it’s necessary.”
NUT: That’s a lot of kale. Wait, how are San Antonio women fat?

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: We actually really like the Spurs, and it makes total sense they would inexplicably get a steal in the draft despite their horrible pick position. Maybe they’ll even change things up — go for someone kind of stupid, or less than perfect. And then DELON WRIGHT could be this team’s cool cucumber on the end of the bench.

SMOOTHIE RATING: DNP-Rest

Memphis GRIZZLIES
“The Tony Allen Travel Dance”
Pick 25

PG Mike Conley: Blackberries – Packed with antioxidants!
SG Courtney Lee: Blueberries – Let’s throw in some sweetness.
SF Tony Allen: Blackberries – Packed with antioxidants!!!
PF Zach Randolph: Pomegranate – Awesome inside, under a gruff exterior.
C Marc Gasol: Seasoned kale chips – This veteran is marginally more exciting than kale.
Bench: Blackberries – You can never be too careful.
Chef David Joeoroerger: Operating a Chinese-knockoff VITAMIX.

SUIT: This smoothie looked a lot better not too long ago.
NUT: There are seasoned kale chips? What the fuck Suit?

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Is this even a question? The Grizzlies have a clear weakness – while very tough and hard-nosed, there’s just not enough sweet shooting to go around. So naturally, we recommend even more defense. Welcome to the club, MONTREZL HARRELL! You’re human blackberries!

SMOOTHIE RATING: B+

Cleveland CAVALIERS
“Comic Sans”
Pick 24

Pictured: All two weeks of the LeBattical.

PG Kyrie Irving: Cinnamon – A little something extra to start out.
SG J.R. Smith: Tequila – I have to explain this? Have you ever seen J.R. Smith??
SF LeBron James: A One-Man Smoothie – You do own a television, right?
PF Kevin Love: Banana in a fridge – Get him out of that fridge, STAT! You’re MISUSING HIM! Just kidding.
C Timofey Mozgov: Kale – It may be green but it’s also good for you.
Bench: Kiwifruit – Outback Jesus is the Reason for the Postseason.
Chef David Blatt: Asks LeBron twice before turning the blender on.

SUIT: I’m so glad this smoothie didn’t win with ten ingredients missing.
NUT: This smoothie is less fun the second time around.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Not much, but you can always use more shooting, even at the end of your bench. I mean more sweetness, even at the end of your recipe. RASHAD VAUGHN (blueberries) satisfies on both counts. This smoothie is looking spooky Cavsbro. Consider us spooked.

SMOOTHIE RATING: A-

Portland TRAILBLAZERS
“Division Champs”
Pick 23

Apr 15, 2009, never forget.

PG Damian Lillard: Cinnamon – Oooo what a great kick.
SG Wesley Matthews: Blueberries – Sweet, and yet tart.
SF Nicolas Batum: Grapefruit – Kinda surprisingly gross.
PF LaMarcus Aldridge: Vanilla-flavored protein powder – Wow so good but it’s not surprising everybody forgets about him.
C Robin Lopez: Kale – Great addition. Yawn tho.
Bench: Pineapple – A couple finicky pieces that work well in a good system.
Chef Terry Stotts: Re-reading blender manual, just to be sure.

SUIT: Why can’t this smoothie get over the hump?
NUT: This smoothie is always more fun in my imagination.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: This team is just a little too sweet all the time. How about some blackberries to add a mean edge? JUSTIN ANDERSON could be just that guy. Maybe the Blazers were a Justin Anderson away from the Finals.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B+

Chicago BULLS
“Derrick Rose Meniscus Memorial Smoothie”
Pick 22

“Doctor, we just alienated a major U.S. market until the end of time.”

PG Derrick Rose: Bruised banana –   =[
SG Jimmy Butler: Strawberries – Really solid fruit all-around.
SF Mike Dunleavy Jr.: Blueberries – Sweet touch.
PF Pau Gasol: Milk – There was no fruit that screams, so this will have to do.
C Joakim Noah: Lemon-Meringue-flavored protein powder – I think this is good, right? Uh sure, it’s pretty solid.
Bench: Strawberries – Actually very balanced overall.
Chef Fred Hoiberg: Uh, who?

SUIT: If all this food hasn’t expired, we’re in for a real treat.
NUT: I miss when Thibodeau stomped the fruit to death.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: For a smoothie known for its protective antioxidants, there sure aren’t enough blackberries. RONDAE HOLLIS-JEFFERSON is here to restore the order that was never lost. All defense, all the time. Take that, you hippie free radicals.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B+

Dallas MAVERICKS
“The Incline Benchless”
Pick 21

I AM. DIRK.

PG Rajon Rondo: Grapefruit – I definitely remember this being better. And not so fucking bitter.
SG Monta Ellis: Vodka – You take the good with the bad here.
SF Chandler Parsons: Mango – I mean this is good but not for 15 million dollars a pound.
PF Dirk Nowitzki: Spinach – Year in, year out, spinach ages gracefully (plz email me how spinach works.)
C Tyson Chandler: Kale – What a healthy choice!
Bench: Cottage cheese – What’s that smell.
Chef Rick Carlisle: Purées the food.

SUIT: If smoothies only required five ingredients, this would be great!
NUT: I just wish this smoothie had more point guards. Maybe six? Maybe seven?

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: After watching the situation in Dallas sour, we could really use some more sweetness. R.J. HUNTER can be the blueberries this smoothie so desperately needs. He could just be the connect for this team going forward (yes I know that pun was great you can email me $5 if you want.)

SMOOTHIE RATING: B-

Toronto DRAKES
“Runnin Through the 6 with my Smo”
Pick 20

“If you’re reading this it’s already All-Star 2016”

PG Kyle Lowry: Strawberry – Solid start.
SG DeMar Derozan: Pineapple – Because no fruit screams “long twos.”
SF Terrence Ross: Tequila – 51 proof.
PF Amir Johnson: Kale – Yay.
C Jonas Valanciunas: Kale – Woo-hoo.
Bench: Fuck it, more tequila – And we’ve ended up with a bitchy cocktail worthy of Drake.
Chef Dwane Casey: Put hands on hips and waits.

SUIT: Fuck Drake.
NUT: This smoothie is two years away from being two years away.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: You know what? JERIAN GRANT. More tequila.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B-

Washington NOT-BULLETS
“The Long Two”
Pick 19

Sigh.

PG John Wall: Strawberry-flavored protein powder – The heart and soul of this smoothie.
SG Bradley Beal: Bruised blueberries – Please be okay.
SF Paul Pierce: Milk – Talk about a perishable good.
PF Nené: Brown banené – Its best days are a distant memory.
C Marcin Gortat: Cucumber – Big and I forgot it was in there.
Bench: Ice – So your smoothie slowly turns into water by the start of the second quarter.
Chef Randy Wittman: Forgot to put the top on.

SUIT: This smoothie is best enjoyed just inside the three-point line.
NUT: When it says “Message seen” but she don’t reply.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Chef Randy started to pull things together in the playoffs, but this conventional, old-school smoothie is less turnt than a soccer mom at practice. Cue tequila. KEVON LOONEY can add the kick that this smoothie might lose at any minute once the milk turns.

SMOOTHIE RATING: Dammit Randy

Houston ROCKETS
“Midrange is Lava”
Pick 18

Not pictured: giant red stop sign at the free throw line.

PG Patrick Beverley: Blackberries – Protective goodness.
SG James Harden: Strawberry-flavored protein powder – Now we’re cooking.
SF Trevor Ariza: Blueberries – Adds a sweet touch.
PF Terrence Jones: Pineapple – Great when used well.
C Dwight Howard: Bruised banana – Still pretty good after all the beatings.
Bench: Pineapple – Really brings everything together nicely.
Chef Kevin McHale: Uses mathematically-efficient, asset-oriented blender at 39.2% power.

SUIT: I hate watching this smoothie take foul shots.
NUT: I love watching these foul shots make smoothies. Sorry what

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: The Rockets have their recipe down, and they’re super ballsy to go all-in on the math. But this team could use just a little bit more stupid. Introducing human tequila, TYUS JONES! Tyus helps kick this party up a notch, and lessens Houston’s reliance on human spoiled milk at either of its guard spots.

SMOOTHIE RATING: A-

Milwaukee BUCKS
“GOD BLESS AMERICA”
Pick 17

This is Giannistly the proudest I’ve ever been to be an American.

PG MCW: Cheap tequila – Abandon all hope ye who mentor here.
SG Khris Middleton: Strawberries – What a great building block going forward.
SF Greek Freak: Dragonfruit – I don’t know what this is but I’m very aroused.
PF Jabari Parker: Strawberries – Sweet future ahead.
C Zaza Pachulia: Lettuce – Meh.
Bench: Peaches – Fun and okay.
Chef Jason Kidd: Allegedly stole company VITAMIX.

SUIT: This dragonfruit is gonna be so awesome!!
NUT: WOO Michael Carter-Millions baby.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: After some serious retooling, this smoothie is finally starting to come together under the direction and subterfuge of Chef Kidd. Let’s just get a mild upgrade inside from lettuce to kale. We think BOBBY PORTIS could be just the piece to push the Bucks into the playoffs.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B

Boston CELTICS
“Pope Brad Stevens”
Pick 16

“We miss you Bill Simmons.” –Pope Brad Stevens

PG Marcus Smart: Blackberries – Protective. Mildly sweet.
SG Avery Bradley: Blackberries – Double dipping.
SF Evan Turner: Cheap tequila – If anyone could transform this it would be the basketball pope.
PF Brandon Bass: Kale – The unsung smoothie hero.
C Tyler Zeller: Avocado – This looks good, right? Hard to tell.
Bench: A tiny 5’9 clove of cinnamon – Mmm mmm mmm.
Pope Brad Stevens: Blesses the fruit: OMNIBUS.

SUIT: This smoothie can only get better with the home-grown produce soon to come.
NUT: OMNIBUS OMNIBUS I’m having a lot of fun.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Honestly, you’d like a little more flavor from the big guys, and Stevens is a reliable chef. You can go for something risky like pineapple, and so MYLES TURNER becomes a very viable option. This smoothie is for real, tequila and all.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B

Atlanta HAWKS
“Pacman Fruit Special”
Pick 15

OH MY GOD WE’RE FREAKING OUT THESE ARE SO COOL

PG Jeff Teague: Kale – Boring, but a solid start.
SG Kyle Korver: Blueberries – Important to balance that with sweetness.
SF DeMarre Carroll: Blackberries – Healthy, I guess.
PF Paul Millsap: Spinach – Super healthy and you won’t even be able to tell it’s there.
C Al Horford: Strawberries – Reliably delicious.
Bench: Pineapple – Lots of exciting pieces that work because the smoothie is so well-balanced.
Chef Mike Budenhoelzer: Stole VITAMIX patent from Gregg Popovich.

SUIT: The best smoothie on the east side of the Mississippi.
NUT: The fifth-best smoothie on the west side of the Mississippi.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: This smoothie looks super good on paper, exactly like the Atlanta Hawks. If anything, it’s just missing a real smoothie “personality” — there’s no dominant flavor — but we can start turning that around right now. It’s the draft night! Anything is possible! Of course, the Hawks are too afraid of tinkering with what they’ve got, so instead we have them adding more kale with TREY LYLES. Yay what a solid smoothie, see ya in the Conference Finals.

SMOOTHIE RATING: A

Oklahoma City BLUNDER
“The Seattle SuperSonic”
Pick 14

“The operation was a success, but the patient died.” Thanks Doctor Barkley!

PG Russell Westbrook: Six scoops of rocky-road protein powder – You’ll be farting for days.
SG Dion Waiters: Cheap supermarket tequila in a plastic bottle – A liquid moron.
SF Kevin Durant: Mom’s smoothie – If only the smoothie playoffs were one-on-one.
PF Serge Ibaka: Spinach – What a great addition!
C Enes Kanter: Cucumber – Really big, and I don’t like cucumbers.
Bench: Free tap water – Why spend money when you could not spend money??
Chef Billy Donovan: The last guy was basically stabbing the food with a knife, so this has to be an improvement.

SUIT: Fuck the medical training staff of the Oklahoma City Thunder.
NUT: “Can our players pay us?”

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Obviously this smoothie has some great ingredients, including a complete, delicious smoothie put together by Mom, but somehow management fucked it up anyway. In line with who the Thunder are as an organization, we think they should go for CAMERON PAYNE, because God knows this team needs another fourth cucumber on the floor that you forget about for minutes at a time.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B

Phoenix SUNS
“The Front Office Freeze”
Pick 13

Moments before this team was ripped apart.

PG Eric Bledsoe: Strawberries – Solid.
SG Brandon Knight: Strawberries – More? Um, ok. I’m sure this was part of a plan.
SF P.J. Tucker: Cranberries – Good for you but not super sweet.
PF Better Morris: Spinach – This has got to be more exciting than kale.
C Alex Len: Cucumber – Oh yeah I forgot about him.
Bench: Pineapple – Good sometimes, very dependent on smoothie composition.
Chef Jeff Hornacek: Bought a $500 juicer off Craigslist. It almost blends through every year.

SUIT: This smoothie should never wear those fucking gray uniforms.
NUT: Oops I unplugged the juicer with one second to go.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: You know what this organization needs? A headcase with potential! Introducing KELLY OUBRE, a great young banana the Suns will no doubt alienate in the next 3-5 years, eventually allowing the bionic Gregg Popovich to turn him into a key contributor on the 2021 champion Spurs. This is actually getting really depressing, sorry Suns fans. We feel your pain, both past, present, and future. It’s a good smoothie!

SMOOTHIE RATING: B-

Utah JAZZ
“Stormin’ Mormon”
Pick 12

“Jazz is a sin” JK plz don’t leave comments.

PG Trey Burke: Green banana – Maybe this will get better soon!! Maybe?
SG Dante Exum: Avocado – This may be good already, but I can’t tell.
SF Gordon Hayward: Strawberries – Okay those look fine.
PF Derrick Favors: Spinach – A super strong addition.
C Rudy Gobert: Blackberries – Packed with anti-oxidants to protect you.
Bench: Ice – Just waters it down.
Chef Quinn Snyder: Yells at food until it comes together as a cohesive, winning unit.

SUIT: God, those strawberries have great hair.
NUT: I bet Mormons can’t even eat half of these foods.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Gimme that fair-skinned sweetness and everything will be just peachy. FRANK KAMINSKY is a perfect fit for obvious reasons if you’ve ever visited Utah, but the less we say here the better. Not a bad smoothie though.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B-

Indiana PACERS
“Boredom ft. Paul George”
Pick 11

“It will never be the same without you, Lance.”

PG George Hill: Cucumber – “I forgot I put this in.”
SG C.J. Miles: Celery – Ugh.
SF Paul George: Vanilla-flavored protein powder – Promising, if a little plain.
PF David West: Kale –    =\
C Roy Hibbert: Kale –   -_-
Bench: Lettuce – Gross.
Chef Frank Vogel: Operating a Japanese-knockoff VITAMIX.

SUIT: This smoothie is so boring I hope it doesn’t make the playoffs.
NUT: But Suit, it has vanilla flavor!

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Gains points by default for existing in a conference with few smoothies to begin with, but utterly lacking in style. Just a tiny step in a different direction could help. Some blackberries could add protective antioxidants without making things taste too yummy. We think WILLIE CAULEY-STEIN could be a good fit in this Eastern Conference grindhouse smoothie! Have fun Pacers fan(s)!

SMOOTHIE RATING: C-

Charlotte HORNETS
“Thanks M.J.”
Pick 10

“Hmm, I’ll take M.J.”

PG Kemba Walker: Tobasco – Spicy, with a clutch late kick. Weird fit in a smoothie though.
SG Gerald Henderson: Ice – I didn’t even notice you over there making my smoothie runnier.
SF MKG: Blackberries – So many antioxidants.
PF Marvin Williams: Lettuce – If only this were kale. Did I just say that?
C Al Jefferson: Kale – The best part of this smoothie is still not really sexy.
Bench: Ice – Although maybe Matt Barnes was the missing piece all along!
Chef Steve Clifford: Bought a small blender from Target.

SUIT: Well, at least it’s not the Bobcats smoothie.
NUT: Michael Jordan sucks at grocery shopping.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: A sweet touch, and how. We think DEVIN BOOKER (blueberries) could really help out as the team’s only consistent long-range shooter! This missing link is coming Charlotte fans! There’s NO WAY Michael Jordan fucks this up again!

(By the way, you know all these stories about how M.J. could beat his players one-on-one? Isn’t that ultimate Jordan snapshot? GOAT player, WOAT owner. He’s even impressively unimpressive.)

SMOOTHIE RATING: D

Miami HEAT
“Miami Ice”
Pick 9

CLICK HERE: Seriously, you’ve got to watch this throwback.

PG Goran Dragic: Strawberries – We’re off to a good start.
SG Dwyane Wade: Bruised banana – He can be so good though.
SF Luol “Literally Cash Money” Deng: Plantain – That’s like a shittier banana right?
PF Chris Bosh: Gunnera manicata – It’s dino food, do you get it? Bc Chris Pratt got it, high five hundred million dude.
C Hassan Whiteside: Avocado – Looks promising, hard to tell until it’s too late.
Bench: Just a shitload of old, bruised fucking fruit.
Chef Erik Spoelstra: Served as video coordinator for VITAXMIX commercials for years.

SUIT: They keep finding great deals shopping at the D-League.
NUT: There is so much potential here, please keep everybody.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: A little depth and thickness wouldn’t hurt, you know? We have great flavors and nutrition, but we could use some heavy cream. Enter SAM DEKKER, the savior of the Miami Heat. Total Riley move. If everything comes together here we could have a delicious, nutritious smoothie on our hands. It could also be a disaster. Never tried dino food before.

SMOOTHIE RATING: B

Detroit PISTONS
“The Fucking Wall”
Pick 8

“I’ll take two.”

PG Brandon Jennings: Tequila – Usually pretty ugh, but sometimes great.
SG KCP: Cranberries – Just lacking a bit of sweetness for me.
SF Cartier Martin: Ice – Fills space.
PF Greg Monroe: Kale – A weirdly sexy pick right now to be honest.
C Andre Drummond: Spinach – Like 5% cooler than kale?
Bench: Just a bunch more ice.
Chef Stan Van Gundy: Tells the fruit to shoot more threes.

SUIT: Who the fuck is Cartier Martin?
NUT: How is Detroit is still a city?

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: We are dangerously close to being a margarita slush. Sure, we’ve got some greens going on, but there’s also too much ice. We need something a little different, like a banana. HELLO STANLEY JOHNSON! Again, bananas just help your smoothie get all the little things right, and that’s what we see in Stanley. Congratulations Detroit! You’ve found the recipe for mild Eastern Conference competitiveness.

SMOOTHIE RATING: C

Denver NUGGETS
“Smirnoff Ice”
Pick 7

YOUR Denver Nuggets!!

PG Ty Lawson: Vodka – You take the good with the bad.
SG Randy Foye: Blueberries – Sweet shooter.
SF Danilo Gallinari: Bruised blueberries – He’s still probably fine.
PF Kenneth Faried: Soy protein – Not quite as good for you as you’d think.
C Jusuf Nurkic: Avocado – Well, that doesn’t match. A post-up center? I mean, a fleshy vegetable?
Bench: Pineapple – Can add great taste, but sometimes goes unnoticed.
Chef Michael Malone: Might actually turn this into a smoothie.

SUIT: I thought this soy protein was supposed to taste better.
NUT: Maybe Ty Lawson is reading about how he’s vodka on reddit.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Smirnoff Ice is pretty far away from being good vodka, but with a couple changes you might actually get a good smoothie out of it. It’s just missing a little oomph, and maybe that’s just the body and thickness that we could add with a dash of some protein powder. Hey, EMMANUEL MUDIAY is on the board, and maybe he gives you a bit more dynamic playmaking from the backcourt! I mean a healthier, thicker smoothie. There’s some hope here.

SMOOTHIE RATING: C-

Sacramento KINGS
“Vivek Ranadelicious”
Pick 6

EVERYONE ACT EXCITED if you like your jobs.

PG Darren Collison: Dark chocolate – Good in small amounts.
SG Ben McLemore: Avocado – It’s really hard to tell whether this is good yet.
SF Omri Casspi: Blueberries – That sweet, sweet shooting.
PF Rudy Gay: Strawberries – He’s become a very reliable standby.
C DeMarcus Cousins: Pomegranate – Exotic. Unique. Tough shell but delicious once you get through.
Bench: Sauce Castillo-Brand Hot Sauce, which makes it all taste like shit.
Chef George Karl: Has blended over 1,000 delicious VITAMIX smoothies, but suddenly wants to start baking cakes.

SUIT: I still believe.
NUT: Who put hot sauce in my smoothie? And why is Chef Karl shattering it on the ground?

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Hey guys, Nut here. First of all, I hope they keep Boogie. Otherwise, my DeMarcus Cousins shrine will slowly get covered with Lakers Cousins pictures a la Toy Story. It’s all so unexpected. Anyway, assuming continue to build around their 24-year-old All-NBA pomegranate, this smoothie just needs a little more sweetness off the bench. Nik doesn’t cut it for me. But MARIO HEZONJA has the pineapple-type potential to develop under George Karl into a kick-ass, take charge kinda ingredient. Remember, Karl can actually help develop young talent. We’re not that far away from something special.

Except we totally are. If the Ranadelicious pun weren’t so great, this drink would be called “Snakes on a Plane to L.A.”

SMOOTHIE RATING: F————

Orlando MAGIC
“Authentic Homemade Guacamole”
Pick 5

Once again…I’m still not convinced these guys are trying to make a smoothie.

PG Elfrid Payton: 1 Haas Avocado, Halved, Seeded, and Peeled –  Solid piece, I guess.
SG Victor Oladipo: 1 Haas Avocado, Halved, Seeded, and Peeled – It’s getting a little thick.
SF Tobias Harris: 1 Lime, Juiced – Shaq might say he’s a little over-juiced really.
PF Channing Frye: 2 Roma Tomatoes, Seeded and Diced – Yeah this isn’t gonna be a smoothie is it.
C Nikola Vucevic: 1 Haas Avocado, Halved, Seeded, and Peeled – Goddammit.
Bench: An array of tasty spices including cumin, kosher salt, and cilantro!
Chef Scott Skiles: The perfect cultural fit.

SUIT: I’m so glad they don’t have a Hispanic chef at the helm anymore.
NUT: Yeah we would have looked really racist.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: Let’s start slowly transitioning from guac into something a bit more smoothie-like. JUSTISE WINSLOW could be this team’s young banana, giving you a bit of everything — texture, taste, consistency — who starts turning you along that path. Sure, the transition from guac to smoothie may not be the smoothiest (sorry), but we’ve got to start somewhere. In the meantime, though —

SMOOTHIE RATING: D+ (as a smoothie.)

New York KNICKS
“How’s it Goink”
Pick 4

“When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie that’s Porzingis”
oh yeah spoiler warning the Knicks are totally gonna fuck this up in a hurry.

PG Jose Calderon: Milk – Good for a few more days?
SG Langston Galloway: Boysenberry – Because we don’t know what this is or what to expect.
SF Carmelo Anthony: Dark chocolate protein powder – Good, but it’s easy to have too much.
PF Lou Amundson: Lettuce – Even worse than kale.
C Cole Aldrich: Lettuce again – What a damning combo.
Bench: Ice – Takes up space, has no nutritional value.
Chef Derek Fisher:A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

RIP PRIMO PASTA – btw, “Andrea” is such a girl’s name.

SUIT: This smoothie’s gonna be better after we go grocery shopping next year!
NUT: Look out Knicks fans, you’re drinking chocolate pasta.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: An identity going forward. Carmelo is already a borderline smoothie in his own right, but he needs help. Maybe something tangy and fresh that really stands out. Unfortunately, KRISTAPS PORZINGIS is probably none of these things. It’s official — we are really down on Porzingis. He’s kind of like a pineapple: maybe he’d be great in the right smoothie, but that is so not New York.

Maybe we’ll eat these words…but what do you think? If Porzingis becomes an All-Star we’ll make Nut eat chocolate pasta on camera, how about that? But the future looks Darko to us.

SMOOTHIE RATING: D-

Philadelphia 76ers
“Hopefully this is wine?”
Pick 3

“We’ll find out in 12-15 years.”

PG Ish Smith: Table Sugar – An entirely fungible asset.
SG Robert Covington: Wine Yeast – An easily replaced asset.
SF Jerami Grant: Cork – Not an asset.
PF Nerlens Noel: 18 Pounds of Ripe Red Grapes – Hope for the future?
C Joel Embiid: Campden Tablet – We’ll learn what this does once it hits the court.
Bench: The entire second round of the 2015 Draft.
Chef Brett Brown: Amateur vintner looking to carefully let fruit fester until it possibly improves?

SUIT: What the fuck is a campden tablet?
NUT: You know what this smoothie needs? More wine.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: What started as a joke about needing to drink to watch 76ers games has turned into a weird metaphor about this organization’s total refusal to field a real team in the foreseeable future. Anyway, D’ANGELO RUSSELL is definitely the tangy dash of cinnamon this smoothie definitely needs. Please email us explaining how wine works.

SMOOTHIE RATING: A++ (prediction for ten years)

Los Angeles LAKERS
“The Last Airbender”
Pick 2

“He will begin to change hearts, and it is in the heart that all wars are won.”

PG Jordan Clarkson: Earth – Elemental force.
SG Kobe Bryant: Fire – Elemental force.
SF Wesley Johnson: Lettuce – Even worse than kale.
PF Carlos Boozer: Water – Elemental force.
C Ed Davis: Air – Elemental force.
Bench: Qi force – Because it doesn’t exist. Shoutout to R. Kelly tho.
Chef Byron Scott: Reading The Art of War.

SUIT: I tried to make this a smoothie, but Nut said no.
NUT: No. Once again I hope I’m not racist.

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: There’s not a lot of substance to this smoothie, but at least we can up the flavor. We recommend JAHLIL OKAFOR for a dash of cinnamon – exciting, but not necessarily super-healthy. Cinnamon lettuce. Bill Simmons snickers in the distance.

SMOOTHIE RATING: F+

Minnesota TIMBERWOLVES
“Heir Jordan”
Pick 1

“We’re trading Wiggins for Porzingis!”

PG Ricky Rubio: Honey – Aww
SG Kevin Martin: Blueberry yogurt – I hope this is still sweet.
SF Andrew Wiggins: Green banana – This could really become something good.
PF Kevin Garnett: Could you smell this old milk for me??
C Nikola Pekovic: Coconut – Hard on the outside…soft on the inside.
Bench: Cheap tequila – Almost always terrible, with unforgettable exceptions. Usually in the form of 50 pt games.
Chef Flip Saunders: Powering up a blender from a 90’s infomercial.

SUIT: This honey’s gonna taste good soon, right?
NUT: Could you smell this milk again?

THIS SMOOTHIE NEEDS: This smoothie has so much spoiling dairy and still-unripened fruit, so let’s put in something delicious we can trust from day one. RimStuff selects KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS to add a handful of delicious strawberries — a reliable smoothie standby with just the right amount of sweetness. Maybe things are on the up-and-up!!

But leave it to the Timberwolves to somehow fuck this up.

SMOOTHIE RATING: D+

Los Angeles BITCHES
“Tough Flop Cough Drop”

“I bet you missed these fucking ads, huh?”

PG CP3: All-State-flavored protein powder – Mm tastes like selling out.
SG J.J. REDICK: BLUEBERRIES! SWEETNESS!
SF Lance Stephenson: Everclear – Don’t kid yourself, this was 1000% a bad idea. That’s also the alcohol percentage.
PF Kia Optima: Some slutty fucking ad.
C DeAndre Jordan: Beef jerky – High in protein, doesn’t raise insulin…and unhealthy in every other way.
Bench: Hahahaha
Chef Doc Rivers: Microwaves everything.

SUIT: The Kia Optima gets an estimated 34 highway miles per gallon!
NUT: Starting at $21,690, the Kia Optima won the Kelley Blue Book award for great value!!!

AS A PERFECTLY CONSTRUCTED TEAM, The Clippers have elected to forego picking the first round of the NBA draft. How sporting of them.

SMOOTHIE RATING: 5-star Crash Rating

New Orleans PELICANS
“The Smoothie King Smoothie Center Smoothie Smoothie”

RIMSTUFF is inexplicably not sponsored by these guys.

PG Jrue Holiday: Tequila, smoothie.
SG Eric Gordon: Bruised lettuce, smoothie.
SF Tyreke Evans: Spoiled lettuce, smoothie.
PF Anthony Davis: Delicious birthday-cake-flavored protein powder, smoothie.
C Omer Asik: 7.3 ppg, kale smoothie.
Bench: Who the fuck cares, smoothie.
Chef Alvin Gentry: Bringing the Smoothie King Center to its feet.

SUIT: We might have gone too far in some places.
NUT: I don’t really like smoothies.

AS A PERFECTLY CONSTRUCTED TEAM, The Pelicans have renounced their first-round pick, presumably for basketball reasons.

SMOOTHIE RATING: 2.5 Smoothies Up

What a perfect way to end. Be sure to check out the draft tonight as all 30 NBA teams battle it out for Kristaps Porzingis.

Suit & Nut are writers for RimStuff.com and are the co-founders of the Chode League Fantasy Basketball league.

s&n big

MARCH RADNESS

SUIT: Hey everyone. We would be remiss to ignore covering college basketball this time of year.

NUT: But I don’t know nothing about being smart. So let’s just guess. You get the left side, I’ll get the right?

SUIT: Sounds great.

FIRST ROUND

SUIT: Meaning is arbitrary, and I choose to value mascots, aesthetics, and cool names.

Also hermeneutics, but they didn’t qualify.

  • Hampton/Manhattan over Kentucky – Kentucky is garbage at basketball.
  • Cincinatti over Purdue – Cincinatti is to Adidas as Oregon is to Nike: they are the guinea pigs for new uniform ideas. Though Adidas does weird things for them like that odd zebra pattern that will never catch on, they are distinctly cooler than Purdue’s lousy tan and black color scheme.

    Pictured: fashion

  • WV over Buffalo – West Virginia has a lot going for it: cool uniforms, cool nickname (the Mountaineers), and a sweet logo. Buffalo is definitely lacking in this department, so they get the loss.
  • Valparaiso over Maryland – Do we even need to discuss this decision when ONE OF THE SCHOOLS IS CALLED VALPARAISO? Are you kidding me? That’s majestic.
  • Butler over Texas – Burnt orange is disgusting.

    Death is too sweet a release from this hell.

  • ND over NE – Gold/navy/green is cooler than red/white/black. The Fighting Irish is significantly cooler than the Huskies. Easy win for Notre Dame.
  • Wichita over Indy – Is Wichita a sate? I don’t think so. You have to respect a school with that kind of audacity.
  • Kansas over NM State – Without Sim Bhullar, NM State has no semblance of any sort of swag. Kansas easily defeats them.
  • Coastal Carolina over Wisconsin – In what is easily the most closely contested matchup of this round, Coastal Carolina barely edges out Wisconsin in a duel of incredible mascots. Wisconsin’s badger in a striped sweater is beyond classy, but Coastal Carolina’s mascot is the Chanticleer. THE CHANTICLEER.

    There’s a whole new meaning to “flipping the bird.”

  • Oregon over Okla St – Oregon is #blessed by being Nike’s crash test dummy. They have impeccable uniforms and their unique home floor design is beautiful.

    False-color image of Mars, or true-color image of Oregon’s court? We report, you decide.

  • Wofford over Arkansas – When one school is named Wofford and the other is just a cheap ripoff of a state that already exists, the decision is obvious. Wofford wins in a blowout.
  • Harvard over NC – Harvard wins this one because their mascot is the Crimson, and it’s a fact that all things crimson are powerful (Crimson Tide, Crimson Chin, etc.)
  • Xavier over BYU/Ole Miss – No matter if it’s BYU or Ole Miss, Xavier will win because that X is powerful and they have two mascots: The Musketeer and The Blue Blob. If that was not enough to convince you, THE BLUE BLOB WAS FEATURED IN PLAYBOY ONCE. Thank you, Wikipedia.
  • Baylor over Georgia State – Georgia State’s uniforms, logo, and mascot are so boring that I want to cry. Victory to Baylor.
  • VCU over Ohio State – VCU comes out on top because their Ram logo is fantastic, and Ohio State refers to itself as THE Ohio State University. Go THE fuck home.
  • Arizona over TSU – In Battle of the Boredom, Arizona comes out on top solely because TSU’s color scheme and logo is just a blatant knockoff of Texas A&M. You could at least try to copy a team with more fun colors, TSU.

Your turn, Nut? NUT: Thanks, Suit. I embody pragmatism, and games are won by angry coaches and extremely tall individual players.

Also, moustaches and incoherent philosophical “jokes.”

  • Lafayette over Villanova – Look at Villanova’s coach. What a nice guy! BZZZZ completely wrong, that’s how you lose.

    I could be your dentist.

  • LSU over North Carolina State – Elbert Robinson III is a 7’1, 270 pound freshmen at LSU. Basketball is easier when you’re tall. ARE YOU FUCKING GETTING THIS YET? PRAGMATISM.
  • UNI over Wyoming – Wyoming’s Larry Shyatt looks like the lovechild of Pat Sajak and a golf ball.

    I’m sorry, there’s no E.

We don’t need father figures on the sidelines! We need ABSENT father figures! MORE YELLING

  • UC Irvine over Louisville – Mamadou Ndiaye is 7’6, weighs 300 pounds, and selected UCI for its strong academics.
  • Providence over Anyone – Because God is dead. Wait, what??

    “Without God, all things are possible.” Mt 19:26 1/2

  • Oklahoma over Albony – Both teams feature doughy coaches and lack giants. But Albany’s Richard Peters stands 6’11, one inch taller than any player for Oklahoma. A narrow victory in 5 OT.
  • Michigan State over Georgia – Michigan State’s Tom Izzo is perpetually about five minutes from either becoming the Godfather or committing suicide.

    Now THAT’S a leader of amateur scholar-athletes!

  • Belmont over Virginia – Belmont’s Rick Byrd can’t wait for you to drive his daughter back from prom by 11:30 a.m.

    He is Cliff Paul’s archenemy.

  • Duke over Whoever – Who the fuck even cares.
  • St. John’s over San Diego St. – My name is Joey De La Rosa, I stand 7’0, and you killed my father.
  • Utah over S.F. Austin  The Twin Towers of Dallin Bachynski (7’0) and Jakob Poeltl (7’0) were actually sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor.
  • Eastern Washington over Georgetown – Once again, in a matchup with two soft-hearted coaches, only the team whose tallest player is one inch more than the other team’s biggest guy will survive.

    In the end, 7’1 Frederik Jörg wins the day.

  • SMU over UCLA – For obvious reasons. Larry Brown. Probably a bunch of them are tall. Whatever.
  • Iowa State over UAB – Georgios Tsalmpouris is 4 inches taller than any UAB player. He is literally a Greek God.
  • Iowa over Davidson

gg

  • Gonzaga over North Dakota State – Gonzaga has two 7’1 players (Przemek Karnowski AND Ryan Edwards) AND Mark Few as coach? North Dakota may not be a state by the end of this one.

LET’S TALLY IT UP

Hi guys and yes, I made this picture with a team of ant-scientists. -NUT.

SECOND ROUND

SUIT: March MADNESS? Everything is arranged so that it be this way, this is what is called culture.

I hope these jokes don’t continue.

  • Cincinnati over Hampton/Manhattan – The only reason Hampton or Manhattan is advanced is because they effectively had a bye playing against Kentucky, the worst college basketball team in existence. Cincinnati basically wins by default.
  • Valparaiso over WV – Reminder: Valparaiso’s name is still Valparaiso. WV gets crushed.
  • ND over Butler – Notre Dame is smart to have their school mascot be the same mascot as the only relevant holiday in March: St. Patty’s Day. Hard not to pick a March-themed team to win games in March Madness.

    “My mascot is literally just an Irish guy with a hat” = crushing

  • Witchita over Kansas – Oh what’s that? Wichita State’s mascot is the Shocker? Shockers refers to harvesting and the mascot looks like this?

    Well, sort of. Also, why does NUT always get to pick the pictures and captions?

    The winner is obvious.

  • Oregon over Coastal Carolina – Another close one for Coastal Carolina, but they fall short here because despite having an amazing team nickname, their uniforms and court design pale in comparison to that of Oregon. Also ducks are cool too.
  • Wofford over Harvard – This sounds like it could be a feudal battle in Old English times. Wofford sounds like a more powerful name given that scenario, so they stand victorious.
  • Xavier over Baylor – Baylor’s fight chant is “Sic ‘em, Bears” accompanied by a sassy bear swipe. A team cannot advance past the second round with that monstrosity.
  • VCU over Arizona – Arizona, you should take a page out of ASU’s book and acquire a cooler logo/mascot if you want to succeed in this bracket. Come on down, VCU.

    (joking about coming on down to hell may be insensitive)

    NUT: Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another. Who advances next?

So deep, so so deep

  • Lafayette over LSU – You know what they say: One’s company. Two’s a crowd. But did you know THREE 6’10 players, if you stacked them vertically, would stand an incredible 20’6? Now THAT’S Sport Science!

    “They would also have 6 arms and legs, giving them 4 ‘legs up’ on any opponent!!!!”

  • UC Irvine over UNI – Did you know that the 7’6 Mamadou has reality-warping powers? I think he warps this one into a blowout.
  • Providence over Oklahoma – God is still dead.

“Hello? Paging God? This joke isn’t funny.”

  • Michigan State over Belmont – Tom Izzo strangles himself with a tie to earn his team an illicit timeout. Michigan State ekes out another win.

“ughghrughuhughuhrughauhuughh”

  • St. John’s over Duke – MY NAME IS JOEY DE LA ROSA, I STAND 7’0, AND YOU KILLED MY FATHER. (I’m still not going to show you a picture of him though. I like the mystery.)
  • Utah over Eastern Washington – Utah overwhelms with bicycles, kindness, and free pamphlets. Also being huge.

    But have you read the Book of Mormon? Yes, this is really them.

  • SMU over Iowa State – I’m sure they’re like, good or whatever, and I’m sticking with that.
  • Gonzaga over Iowa – I think Iowa should have 0 teams at all, and so does Gonzaga head coach Mark Few, who looks like some mixture of Skip Bayless, Steve Kerr, and also that guy from The Office. Mutant coaches are probably genetically angrier.

it’s alive

LET’S TALLY IT UP

These really did look bigger on my computer. At least I’m advancing electron microscopy and not just swearing under pictures of philosophers on the internet for no reason.

SWEET SIXTEEN

SUIT: We are given over to absolute solitude. No one can speak with us and no one can speak for us; we must take it upon ourselves, each of us must take it upon himself. With that out of the way, here are my picks!!!

“Sweetness? Just another construct.”

  • Valparaiso over Cincinnati – Valparaiso is commonly referred to as “Valpo” because plebs struggle to properly pronounce its sophisticated name. But here’s the problem: it’s hard to compete with a school whose full name and abbreviated name both sound amazing. Sorry, Cincinnati.
  • Wichita over ND – In Seven Nation Army, Jack White proclaims “I’m going to Wichita.” Having the support of a man as cool as Jack White is an unparalleled level of support. Unfortunately for the Fighting Irish, no one sings about going to South Bend.
  • Oregon over Wofford – Easily the toughest matchup of the Sweet 16, Oregon barely escapes Wofford. Oregon has the cooler uniforms, court, and mascot (ducks over bulldogs), while Wofford has the cooler logo and name. Oregon goes up 3-2 early in a game where both teams misplace the ball for an extended length of time.

    This game of fetch took a disastrous turn.

  • Xavier over VCU – VCU only made it this far because it faced two of the weakest opponents in the bracket. They simply crumble in a matchup against a powerhouse like Xavier. It would be a travesty if a school with two awesome mascots did not find its way into the Elite Eight.

NUT: Education is not preparation for life. Education is life itself. And by education I mean ball.

That joke was subtle and funny please like me.

  • UC Irvine over Lafayette – Did you know that Mamadou has his own IMDB page? He is credited for one four-minute film. While you were looking, Mamadou used that distraction to score 54 dunks.
  • Providence over Michigan State – If you’re already bracing yourself for that picture, I think I’ve done my job.
  • Utah over St. John’s – My name is Joey De La Rosa, I stand 7’0, and you killed my father and now me.

    This is really him. Wasn’t it better when you were just imagining?

  • Gonzaga over SMU – Tall players angry man good job Gonzaga you slightly out-talled out-angried the other guys whatever.

LET’S TALLY IT UP

And yes, SUIT did the left and I (NUT) did the right.

ELITE EIGHT

SUIT: These teams are monsters. But monsters cannot be announced. One cannot say: ‘here are our monsters’, without immediately turning the monsters into pets. These teams are pets.

Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

  • Wichita State over Valpo – This was not an easy one to decide. Having a name like Valparaiso is nearly an unbeatable trump card, but the other aspects of the school are just not cool enough to back it up. Their logo and mascot are pretty bland and far worse than those of Wichita, and the name “Wichita State” is still incredibly cool. Valpo should get a makeover and come back next year stronger than ever.

Not unlike the real Crusaders

  • Xavier over Oregon – Another difficult decision, but Xavier narrowly emerges this contest as the victor. An underrated aspect of Xavier’s cool factor is its name; Xavier simply sounds suave and always reminds people of their favorite professor. Though Oregon’s uniforms are pretty sweet, they need to step their jersey game up to the level of their football team to become a true juggernaut. Xavier advances.

“And next year we’re gonna come back better than ever! Never mind, this is senior night.”

NUT: It is a familiar and significant saying that a problem well put is half-solved. Single-elimination tournaments work similarly.

I could put any quote there and no one would give a shit.

  • Providence over UC Irvine – David hurls a stone from his sling with all his might and hits Goliath in the center of his forehead, Goliath falls on his face to the ground, and David cuts off his head. The Philistines flee and are pursued by the Israelites “as far as Gath and the gates of Ekron“. David puts the armor of Goliath in his own tent and takes the head to Jerusalem, and Saul sends Abner to bring the boy to him. The king asks whose son he is, and David answers, “I am the son of your servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.”

RIP Mamadou

  • Utah over Gonzaga – Did you know the two starting big men for Utah already have a combined 5 wives? Not really, but you didn’t totally NOT know either. Now that’s dominant. Gonzaga has a freaky coach and plenty of huge players but 0 plausible polygamous arrangements. At this level, any mistake can be costly.

    What a shame. Gonzaga is a damn cool name, they probably could have won out in the finals too.

SPEED ROUND: FINAL FOUR

  • SUIT: Wichita State over Xavier – It is no easy task to overcome a team with two awesome mascots, but Wichita’s Shocker is cooler than these two combined (even though one is The Blue Blob!). The Shocker is a great name, looks awesome, is unbelievably unique, pays homage to the area, and allows for copious amounts of dirty jokes. The record still stands that Wichita is not a state, and their uniforms are quite fresh. When you consider all of the factors that make an NCAA basketball team cool, Wichita State has it all. They deserve to go to the big dance.

We all learned something today kids: even amorphous blobs can be lovable with eyes.

  • NUT: Providence over Utah – Now that we’re in the Final Four or whatever I decided to actually look at Providence’s team. And what do you know — 1) They’re called the Friars. 2) They have a 7’2 freshman and a 7’0 senior. 3) Their head coach is named Ed Cooley, and Google introduced me to him like this:

And yes, I left great feedback.

This is truly God’s team.

You kind of knew what you were getting from Utah anyway.

SPEED ROUND: CHAMPIONSHIP

SUIT: The schools that Wichita State has taken down prove that their cool factor makes them a force to be reckoned with. However, Providence is an incredibly worthy adversary. Like the Shocker, having the Friar as Providence’s mascot is unique and pays homage to their hometown. One would not think of a friar as an intimidating opponent, but Providence’s fantastic logo makes them look serious and powerful. The color scheme of the school ties in well with the friar nickname, and Providence has used this theme to create some great uniforms. It seems like a push between Providence and Wichita State by my criteria, so I’ll pass it to you, Nut.

Bad-Ass

NUT: Well, let’s see. Wichita State’s tallest player is 6’11? STRIKE. Okay, he’s Kenyan and his name is Tom “Bush” Wamukota. That’s pretty cool actually, I’ll call it even. Let’s look at Wichita State’s coach.

“Be careful crossing the street, Tom “Bush” Wamukota!!”

Wait, what?? He looks kind and gentle enough to be a pharmacist.

What the hell is this???

That’s a genuinely cool guy. And if I learned anything playing high school basketball, it’s that only coaches who are cruel and unusual and pouty can win. THE FIX IS IN! GOD’S TEAM TAKES THE TROPHY!!!!!

I DID IT! Literally only me!!

The official Chode League pick is Providence over Wichita State.

And there’s your full bracket.

Congratulations, everybody. And yes, we’re still alive.

But he’s not.

If you’d like to follow us, you should totally give us your email.
We are very polite stalkers ❤

SUIT & NUT is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

s&n big