All-Star Voting may be OVER…

but Suit & Nut count down the 11 MOST COMMON all-star ballots, per MULTIPLE SOURCES. By some incredible chance, these are also the 11 MOST RIDICULOUS ballots possible, so Suit & Nut are sticking around to break it down for you.

You know what time it is.

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11. Team “EBONY”

“The lightest player here is Luol Deng, I think we did it.”

10. Team “IVORY”

“Stephen Adams and Kyle Korver can be team dads.”

NUT: These seemingly implausible lineups were submitted over 58,000 times each by excited NBA fans. At their simplest level, these lineups are about the ebony (black) and ivory (white) keys on a piano, but they also deal with integration and racial harmony on a deeper, human level. One disadvantage would be the need for each conference to start two all-star teams, both a Team Ebony and a Team Ivory, for fears of human rights violations. In conclusion, these popular lineup choices were not very smart by NBA fans.

9. Team “FUCK THIS, NOT WATCHING”

Unfortunately, it is impossible to vote for ten Eastern Conference all-stars on a single ballot.

SUIT: This is the lineup that would be beyond dreadful, and the scary thing is, it’s not inconceivable that people would vote for this squad. The main concern that would result in rage would be the potential of the two LeBron “Big 3’s” combining onto one starting lineup. In the West, Jeremy Lin getting voted in would be an atrocity, Kobe is incredibly undeserving, Blake is underperforming this season, Tim Duncan at best would execute a highlight reel layup, and Josh Smith is Josh Smith. The world can sleep sound knowing that this lineup will not exist, but the thought of it is horrifying. 97,000 fans voted for this lineup, and they all suck.

8. Team “MOST BORING/FUNDAMENTAL”

There are many paths to boredom, and one of those is the triple-threat-to-death.

SUIT: This lineup is a mixture of fundamental players and players with a lack of athleticism that would ultimately produce the most unexciting All Star Game possible. With combinations of three-point shooters, unathletic bigs, and people that focus on defense (which has no business being in the ASG), this lineup would be more boring than the Pelicans’ jerseys. Unfortunately, 102,000 fans bought a Pelicans jersey moments before turning around and voting this all-star ballot.

7. Team “SUBTLY NOT FOLLOWING THE NBA”

“I couldn’t find Shaq and Yao but this will do.”

NUT: Over 140,000 NBA fans don’t own televisions, but are able to tweet #NBABallot or else somehow figure out the shitty voting website. Most of these fans live in China, and as a result KOBE BRYANT is your starting Western Conference Guard!! Congratulations!!!! While Kobe Bryant embodies approximately 0 communist ideals of community togetherness and self-sacrifice, he does embody the communist ideals of gold and stars, so he is actually a perfect fit for this confused country as it stumbles through accelerated Westernization. They probably all like Carlos Boozer too, which is completely inexplicable.

6. Team “WILL DO COOL STUFF IN ASG”

This list would be ideal if “All-Star” meant “cool guy”

SUIT: This squad is the dream team of the guy who makes SportsCenter highlight reels. Wall making crazy passes, Lance existing, Gerald Green and Giannis dunking from 3… the possibilities are endless. Every player on this list would take full advantage of lackadaisical defense to wow the crowd, and r/NBA would be loaded with highlight reel gfycat files. (If you’re wondering why Noah was included, it is due to his potential to start launching jumpers and screaming at every human on the court.) No wonder 187,000 dreamers voted this ballot. Case closed.

5. Team “HAIR”

247,000 people can’t be wrong. These guys definitely have hair.

NUT: Almost a quarter of a million people came together to vote for Team Hair, and it’s knot hard to see why. The All-Star game is about free love and passion, self-expression, spreading righteousness and hair lice, and these players are the ideal denizens of such a boundless future. With Bill Walton calling the game, and each and every fan in attendance receiving 50 mg of DMT, this is sure to be a night that absolutely no one remembers.

4. Team “HIGHEST PROBABILITY OF A FIGHT OCCURING”

The statkeepers are adding “Kills,” “Deaths,” and a second “Assist” column to the scoring table as we speak.

SUIT: Where’s the beef? Right here. This ballot optimizes the amount of hatred between ten individuals on one basketball court. Though the All-Star Game is usually a jovial occasion, these two teams would find a way to fight with themselves or each other, and truly turn the game into a spectacle. There are few better possibilities than teams of enemies that have been forced to play with each other because of the demands of 315,000 NBA fans.

3. Team “HOMER”

Absolutely disgusting.

NUT: 467,000 NBA fans came together to try to create the ultimate fantasy: an unforgettable show-down between the legendary Los Angeles Lakers and the new-look New York Knickerbockers. Mirroring a matchup also available for public viewing on February 1 and March 12, this heavyweight slugfest could boast 29 past All-Star appearances, and will undoubtedly shoot to the highest pinnacle of television ratings.

2. Team “MOST LOVABLE TEAM”

<3<3<3

SUIT: It is physically impossible to hate any of these players, and if you do, you clearly are the least fun person in your group of friends. Whether the guys are all-smiles (Draymond, Swaggy), heartwarming stories (Whiteside, Galloway), or posterboys of r/NBA (Lawson, Giannis), fans across the globe would not be able to stop themselves from smiling while watching these teams play. In fact, 612,000 fans could not stop themselves from voting this ballot. Just the thought of these squads existing is uplifting, and an NBA 2K custom team of this ballot ought to be made immediately.

1. Team “RAINBOW”

Truly beautiful

NUT: We may all come from different walks of life, but this daring art piece, independently performed by 1,012,000 NBA fans, truly says it all. From East to West, hailing from all cultures and creeds, black or white, we are all fans of an international association that brings together basketball talent from the very furthest reaches of the globe into the joyous warmth of our arenas and the comfort of our living rooms every night. The All-Star Game is a celebration of that promise, and so we present Team Rainbow as an undying remembrance of the gift that the NBA is for us.

s&n big

Thanks for reading, everyone. We love you.

Intrigued? Think the numbers miiiight be fabricated? Leave us a comment.

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SUIT & NUT: Christmas Jerseys

The following is a lightly edited text exchange between Suit & Nut.

SUIT: Have you seen the atrocious Christmas jerseys?

NUT: They can’t be worse than last year.

SUIT: Oh you wait and see.

NUT: Last year was awful. They went, “Oh the Heat are red. Let’s make their jersey 100% red. The Thunder are blue. 100% blue.” And it looked like Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots.

SUIT: No, that was two years ago. Last year was Sleevegate 2013. They looked like warmup shirts, but they actually weren’t terrible. They just didn’t look like jerseys. It was like watching a summer league game or something. I recall the Rockets jerseys looked like pajamas.

NUT: I’m more okay with sleeves than most people – most players shoot wearing long-sleeve warmups – but anyway, show me these new jerseys.

SUIT: http://store.nba.com/christmas_day_jerseys/
SUIT: This reeks of Suit & Nut.

NUT: What about this says Christmas?

SUIT: I think it represents getting a shitty gift.

NUT: And now Kobe’s jersey just says L on it because it’s cool yo.

“L 24 Kobe”

SUIT: L is for last place.

NUT: L 24 Kobe”

SUIT: They’ll have 24 losses by Christmas.

NUT: Ouch. Also, this first name business is super casual. Go 30 Stephen, go!

SUIT: But then you have “James” for Harden and it looks like LeBron got traded.

“R 13 James”

NUT: It’s in a weird closed captioning box too.

SUIT: Well that’s to prep for adding advertisements.

NUT: 2 John is vaguely Biblical.

“dc 2 John” …but we admit, at least THIS one looks good.

NUT: Is there not a team where two guys have the same first name? Because then you would have a Thing 1 and Thing 2 situation going.

SUIT: This is why they should have stuck with nicknames. Splash Brother #1 and Splash Brother #2 would be amazing.

NUT: Even better because Steph plays the 1 and Klay is at the 2 spot. What a wasted opportunity.
NUT: But wait…“Splash Bro #1, Number 30.” “Splash Bro #2, Number 11.” I can see it now.

SUIT: Haha. The absolute chodiest thing is that they have Nets, Celts, Blazers, and Rockets jerseys, but they aren’t playing on Christmas.

NUT: ?????
NUT: What. How

SUIT: Cavs v. Heat. Lakers v. Bulls. Clips v. GSW. Wizards v. Knicks. Spurs v. OKC.
SUIT: That’s it.

NUT: How are these Christmas Jerseys then???

SUIT: Because you can’t live in a world without a shitty “Deron” Nets jersey.

NUT: I guess I deserved this all along.

SUIT: Side note. The Bucks should get good at basketball, then play on Christmas, and then get Christmas jerseys where the names on the back are the reindeer. They already have red and green, and they already are the Bucks, so effectively reindeer.

NUT: Keep going. I believe.

SUIT: JASON KIDD WEARS A SANTA OUTFIT. JABARI IS RUDOLPH. HE WEARS THE RED NOSE YOU GET FORCED TO WEAR IN 2K MYPLAYER.

NUT: The only Christmas jersey I acknowledge is the Milwaukee Bucks.

SUIT: Why hasn’t the NBA hired us yet?

NUT: We are just too awesome.

Or something.

SUIT & NUT: Top 100 White Players

Hey guys, Suit & Nut is back just in time for the new season, and did you know race is a hot topic in today’s NBA? Topical! Topical!

Topical.

Today we’re bringing you another post you won’t be seeing on ESPN anytime soon: the top 100 white players in the NBA.

Is this a good idea? Can we toe the line? Oh God let’s try.

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Before we start ranking, we need to carefully define our terms. What does it take to be a top 100 white player in the NBA? After minutes of hard thinking, we have the formula.

CAN’T BE: Too Shit.

Pretty self-evident. Top 100 means Top 100.

Apologies to: Justin Hamilton, Joe Harris, Robbie Hummel, Alex Kirk, Shayne Whittington

CAN’T BE: Too Foreign.

Lists like this are pretty blatant wish-fulfillment for 5’11 American-born white guys like us. So we went with the industry-standard “would a racist cop notice your accent” criterion here. Our international team of thousands of scientists was super, super objective and consistent on this one.

Papers please: Luigi Datome, Vitor Faverani, Jorge Gutierrez, Enes Kanter, Dikembe Mutombo, Kostas Papanikolaou, Pablo Prigioni, Anderson Varejao, Greivis Vasquez

CAN’T BE: Probable Communist.

We can’t all share the rock equally in America. Sorry boys.

Please report: Sergey Karasev, Ognjen Kuzmic, Nemanja Nedovic, Jusuf Nurkic, Damjan Rudez

CAN’T BE: Halfsies.

Pulling out the classic “would you check White on your college application” for this one.

Sorry to see you go: Matt Barnes, Stephen Curry, Jordan Farmar, Aaron Gordon, Kris Humphries, Nick Johnson, Zach LaVine, Dwight Powell, Austin Rivers, Klay Thompson, Deron Williams

HONESTLY, WE CAN’T TELL.

This list is made in jest, and to be frank Googling players’ parents and races feels creepy after a while. If it took us more than five minutes we just gave up. Moral of story: your whiteness should be obvious.

Who are you?: Jeff Ayres (halfsies?), Grant Jerrett (halfsies?), Mitchell Watt (halfsies?)

Objective, scientific definitions firmly in hand, let’s begin.

100-91. Whitest Kids U’Don’t Know

100. Cameron Bairstow
99. Mike Muscala
98. Shavlik Randolph
97. Travis Wear
96. Jeff Withey
95. Zoran Dragic
94. Hedo Turkoglu
93. Joel Freeland
92. Mitch McGary
91. Cole Aldrich

SUIT: What a list.
NUT:
I’m so sorry you just read those names.
SUIT: We’re each going to pick the whitest guy out of every group of ten, and here I’m taking Mitch McGary. The video below says it all.

SUIT: He jumps for the dunk after putting the ball between his legs. AFTER. It’s atrocious. Also, yes, he somersaults. Backwards. I don’t understand how a man can be so white in a span of 5 seconds. I wonder how long he spent preparing this dunk and how cool it looked in his head.

Like, super awesome.

NUT: Okay, that’s pretty white. My pick for whitest is Jeff Withey. I’m kind of fascinated with him actually. He blocks shots. He smiles. He seems genuinely down to earth. In this picture, he looks so excited this is probably his first career dunk.

“Holy shit I did it.”

NUT: Jeff’s pretty white y’all.
SUIT: Who?
NUT: Jeff Withey…oh no that was a totally reasonable question. Yeah, let’s move on.


90-81. (S)crappy

90. Ryan Kelly
89. Luke Babbitt
88. Aron Baynes
87. Nate Wolters
86. Landry Fields
85. Victor Claver
84. Jon Leuer
83. Jason Kapono
82. Nikola Mirotic
81. Jason Smith

SUIT: I know some of these names.
NUT:
 Oh my God I forgot about Landry Fields. Remember when he and Jeremy Lin used to shake hands?
SUIT: Career highlight right there.
NUT: So the question is: who is the whitest?
SUIT: As of last week, I had no idea who Nate Wolters was.

Probably a trainer??

UNTIL HE UNLEASHED THE WHITEST PLAY EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. This is the type of stuff r/NBA users dream of on the couch while watching Ballstreams. It’s one of those dumb plays us nerds think “wouldn’t it be funny if…” but then quickly dismiss BUT THEN HE ACTUALLY DID IT.

MAD PROPS, NATE. MAD PROPS. There’s a chance that this play came from the playbook of rampant white guy, Jason Kidd. But from the video, Jason looks shocked as well and takes quite a few steps onto the court. Either Nate out-whited one of the whitest guys ever, or Jason Kidd is possibly whiter than we imagined.
NUT: Hmm, maybe Andre Miller should have made these rankings too. But come on — the pick here is easy. R. Kelly baby. Let’s look at his advantages: R. Kelly 1) plays for the Lakers 2) pisses off Kobe, probably all the time 3) Google thinks I mean Ryan Kelley of Teen Wolf fame 4) I believe I can fly.

“Am I jumping or merely standing? Even I can’t tell.”

NUT: 5) his name is R. Kelly. Also, why didn’t you pick Jason Kapono and make more R&B jokes? Jason Kapo-no.
SUIT: You are ridiculous.

 

80-71. Locker Room Presences

80. Nick Calathes
79. Greg Stiemsma
78. Andrei Kirilenko
77. Meyers Leonard
76. Jonas Jerebko
75. Beno Udrih
74. Tyler Hansbrough
73. Louis Amundson
72. Bojan Bogdanovic
71. Kyle Singler

SUIT: I count one and a half shooters on this list.
NUT:
 Now we’re really getting to the good ones, but the whitest guy on this list is obvious.
SUIT: Fuck Tyler Hansbrough.

Mic drop.

NUT: Enough said. But look. Louis Amundson

This guy.

NUT: Always reminds me of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast…

THIS guy.

NUT: Every single time. And yes, it’s just the hair.
SUIT: We’re done here.

70-61. Gym Rats

70. Zaza Pachulia
69. Byron Mullens (come back soon)
68. Alexey Shved
67. Gal Mekel
66. Omri Casspi
65. Alex Len
64. Worse Zeller
63. Jimmer Fredette
62. Chris Kaman
61. Evan Fournier

SUIT: What a squad.
NUT:
 Not sure if these ten are any better than the last ten. It’s flattened out. But I already know who you’re gonna pick.
SUIT: 
He has disgusting facial hair. His nickname is BJ. He declared for the draft after one season of 8.8 PPG on 63.8% shooting at Ohio State. And Byron Mullens went full Bargnani in the NBA by becoming a “3-point specialist big man” shooting a career 32% from deep. This year, he declined his player option on the 76ers so that he wouldn’t be on a losing team and could test his “worth” in free agency. No one picked him up, and now he’s playing in China. That’s an incredibly white move to have that much unbridled confidence. Good on you, Byron. I’ll always remember that one week I had you on my fantasy team two years ago until I dropped you because you stopped shooting well.

“I’ll remember you too.”

NUT: We love Byron. But he’s got some stiff competition here: Chris Kaman is literally a caveman and I’m afraid of him. Here are three pictures I found in five seconds googling “Chris Kaman hunting.”

What

the

Oh my God don’t hurt me

NUT: Fact: Chris Kaman is the only NBA player living in the Fallout universe. Or possibly West Virginia. I can’t tell.
SUIT: You really love angry emails don’t you?
NUT: Welcome to ChodeLeague.com, where right now we’re ranking only the white players. Maybe.

60-51. Gritty/Shitty

60. Luis Scola
59. Luke Ridnour
58. Jason Kidd (if he laced up today)
57. Pero Antic
56. Stauskas?? STAUSKAS??!!
55. Steve Blake
54. Kosta Koufos
53. Mike Miller
52. Matthew Dellavedova
51. Donatas Motiejunas

SUIT: Hey, what do you think of this guy?
NUT:
 Stauskas?
SUIT: STAUSKAS?
NUT: STAUSKAS??!!
SUIT: I’d love to take Nik, but come on. Jason Kidd is highly ranked on this list for his playing ability (if he suited up after a bit of working out, he could certainly be a 3-pt specialist), but he was chosen as top-flight in white largely due to his coaching decisions. His first major coaching decision that put his whiteness on display was the decision to grow that atrocious beard. It’s like every white kid who grows a beard when they first get to college, no longer bound by a high school dress code prohibiting facial hair.

“I bet I’m the greatest player-coach of all time!!!”

SUIT: But then…

SUIT: Look, this is a silly, cheap, and dirty white play only the whitest of players would conjure up and actually decide to execute in a real game of professional basketball on national television. Who the hell drinks soda on the sideline anyway?
NUT: I too wanna see Stauskas prove himself to us before I give him the crown. In the meantime, I still have to go with an age-old standby. Steve Blake. Here he is in a photoshoot for his new team, the Portland Trailblazers.

“Hello I’m Steve.”

NUT: Now that I have entirely justified my selection I think my work here is done.

50-41. Glue Guys

50. Doug McDermott
49. Kelly Olynyk
48. Worse Plumlee
47. Andrea Bargnani
46. Stephen Adams
45. Matt Bonner
44. Steve Novak
43. Mike Dunleavy
42. Mirza Teletovic
41. Ersan Ilyasova 

SUIT: Real glue guys here, these players literally hold their teams together.
NUT:
 Look at all those power forwards on the board. But who’s the whitest??
SUIT: Steve Novak’s play is that of the quintessential old white guy in the gym: sits in the corner, waits for threes, makes threes, and looks like he has no business doing so. In addition to his playing style, the ferocity in which he does his championship belt celebration after making a three is incredibly white of him. Most players nonchalantly throw up the three-goggles or put guns in the holsters, but not Steve. Steve puts on the belt… WITH AUTHORITY.

Pictured: Authority.

SUIT: Intense celebrations are usually saved for thunderous dunks or huge rejections, but Steve recognizes that he’ll only be on the receiving end of those plays, so he busts out the belt after making open jumpers. The ultimate proof of Steve’s whiteness can be seen in any highlight reel of him playing. Count the number of non-threes made in this video:

NUT: I refuse to watch that video, but I bet it’s zero. Steve is pretty white. BUT my boy Matt Bonner is nicknamed The Sandwich Hunter, which means he’s already won. Look at the joy in this man’s eyes. Matt Bonner is not only living out his dreams — his dreams wish they could live out him. Oh, I need a picture to round out the resume?

Devastating.

NUT: There’s no way you could ever top that. He’s chilling in a cafe drinking milk.
 

40-31. Coaches on the Floor

40. Nick Collison
39. Shane Battier (if he played today)
38. Better Zeller
37. Jose Barea
36. Chris Andersen
35. Josh McRoberts
34. Timofey Mozgov
33. Chase Budinger
32. Kirk Hinrich
31. Steve Nash (RIP)

SUIT: We miss you Shane Battier and (probably) Steve Nash.
NUT:
 This is probably unrelated because I wrote this sentence before you wrote the previous one but we love you Steve Nash.
SUIT:
NUT: So, who’s the pick?
SUIT: Kirk Hinrich. It’s the goggles. That’s why I selected him. Those damn goggles. Now I understand that he wears them for protective reasons, but there has got to be a more attractive and less-ridiculous pair of goggles on the market.

One part Space Marine…actually that’s it. There are no other parts.

SUIT: It takes a true white guy to throw fashion to the wind and wear the ugliest pair of goggles ever known to man simply because they offer the best protection out of any other style. Hinrich wears these to protect his left eye, so I believe he should break onto the basketball fashion scene by rocking a rec-spec monocle on the court. Swag would immediately start exuding from every pore of his body.
NUT: I for one am glad not to share a universe with a swaggy Kirk Hinrich. But I’m still taking Bud the Based Chud. Maybe I’m fascinated with him because his pretend nickname rhymes and is fun to say. Maybe I like that every announcing team mentions his volleyball-playing past every time he jumps, a simple motor action that basketball players typically perform dozens of times in a game. Maybe he just looks really, really pale.

Scratch the “maybe”

NUT: What a bud.

30-21. Players Confirmed to Have Hearts

30. Nikola Pekovic
29. Jose Calderon
28. Better Plumlee
27. Jonas Valanciunas
26. Tiago Splitter
25. Danilo Gallinari
24. Robin Lopez
23. Marco Belinelli
22. Nikola Vucevic
21. Jeremy Lin (stop us)

SUIT: We’re getting to the quality players at this point.
NUT:
 A lot of international flavor on this squad, and Jeremy Lin. Speaking of which, I’d better speak of which.
SUIT: After you.
NUT: Jeremy Lin is a guy who 1) consistently sleeps on teammates’ couches 2) consistently punks his mom for the internet 3) consistently got underrated because of his race, to the point where a documentary and Time magazine cover happened when he turned out to be pretty good.

I think I’ve proved my case.

NUT: Spirit of the law, y’all. J. Lin is in.
SUIT: Fair enough. Similarly, Better Plumlee shocked the world when he was chosen by Coach K to join Team USA for the FIBA “Who Cares, America Will Win Every Game by 30” Cup.

“Grunt. Run. BALL. Top 12 player in the U.S. baby.”

SUIT: Now his name is out there (even though no one remembers his first name) and his whiteness is on full display. Aside from his boring play and his dull twitter, his parent’s name are Perky and Leslie. PERKY and LESLIE. Need I say more?
NUT: Please don’t. I’m tired of thinking about him.

20-11. FUNdamental

20. Spencer Hawes
19. Omer Asik
18. Marcin Gortat
17. J.J. Redick
16. Ricky Rubio
15. Andrew Bogut
14. Ryan Anderson
13. Kyle Korver
12. Gordon Hayward
11. Pau Gasol

SUIT: What a list.
NUT:
 Any of these guys could start on an NBA championship team. There are also some really white guys in this list.
SUIT: When we made the (arguably terrible) decision to make this list, I was adamant on finding an excuse to write about how much I love J.J. Redick. I was planning on doing so until Gordon Hayward created the unthinkable: the whitest tweet/blog post ever posted by an NBA player.
NUT: What?!
SUIT: In case you missed it, Gordon Hayward tricked people by tweeting he would beat LeBron in a 1-on-1 because he was “the best player in the league,” and then linked to a blog post where he revealed, at the end, that he meant the best at League of Legends.

No one could have seen this coming.

SUIT: I gotta hand it to him, it was hilarious and incredibly well done. I also gotta hand it to him, it was incredibly white. He didn’t just claim he could beat LeBron; it’s the fact that the entire thing was a big “GOTCHA! Just playin’…” setup where he probably did finger guns afterwords that made it so white. Classic white guy move, Gordon, you jokester.
NUT: Unreal. My pick for whitest? I’m taking Kyle Korver. First, he is from Iowa. Case closed, right? Not so fast — he is also genetically identical to Ashton Kutcher. Finally, he feels awkward about these comparisons all the time, remembering a party he attended where “people kept staring at me and I had to tell them that I wasn’t Ashton.”

“Don’t you ask me…Goddamit. Hi, I’m not Ashton Kutcher, I’m just his genetic clone.”

NUT: I like to imagine he is haunted wherever he goes by a slightly more handsome man who comes up to his nipples.

10-1. Cream of the Crop
(we look forward to your emails)

10. David Lee
9. Manu Ginobili
8. Chandler Parsons
7. Kawhi Leonard (come on now)
6. Brook Lopez
5. Goran Dragic
4. Marc Gasol
3. Tony Parker
2. Dirk Nowitzki
1. Kevin Love

SUIT: This is the one pick we discussed, and I think it might be fairly controversial.
NUT:
 This is a very special moment for Suit & Nut. I think we might be about to agree. But as always, I’ll let you go first.
SUIT: He puts a focus on defense, he never boasts, he never celebrates, he wears no accessories, and he has cornrows. Kawhi Leonard has all the makings of a white man in the NBA. He lived with his mom in a house that was close to the Spurs’ practice facility so he wouldn’t have long commutes, most of which he took in his Chevy Malibu before finally buying a Porsche (which he claims mostly sits in his garage). Kawhi is basically every NBA 2K MyPlayer white guys wish they could create: plays well, doesn’t talk a lot of smack, always says the right thing, and is incredibly respectful.

“Look ma, I’m getting paid to hold this basketball.”

NUT: But is he white? Let’s evaluate the arguments. Maybe he’s black: he’s the only active NBA player with cornrows. But MAYBE he’s white: he avoids smiling because his mom grounded him last season.

“…..”

NUT: Maybe he’s black: his dark complexion indicates a high amount of melanin in his skin. But MAYBE he’s white: he did not speak once in thirty minutes of daytime television appearances, and is probably shy.

“…………………………”

NUT: Yeah I think it’s conclusive, Kawhi Leonard is actually the whitest player in the NBA.
SUIT: I knew you’d come around.

So, what do you think? What did we get wrong, or right? Are we horrible people for even attempting this? Let us know y’all.

As always, we love you all.

–Suit & Nut

SUIT & NUT: NBA All-Nickname Teams

Hey everyone, Suit & Nut is back to discuss the more frivolous side of the NBA.

This week, two lineups of the BEST nicknames in NBA history go head-to-head.

Whose team is better? The call is yours. This is Suit & Nut.

S&N tiny

POINT GUARD

SUIT: Gary “The Glove” Payton

When you think of Gary Payton, you primarily think of two things: his mouth and his defensive ability. Since gloves are worn on your hands (cue “The More You Know” clip), it should be clear which aspect of his game this nickname refers to.

According to reputable source Wikipedia.com:

Payton got his nickname “The Glove” when Payton’s cousin called him during the 1993 Western Conference Finals series against Phoenix and told him, ‘You’re holding Kevin Johnson like a baseball in a glove,’ and the nickname was born.

This quote highlights the reason this nickname is so great: when you think about it, it makes no sense. Gloves are not worn in basketball, nor would they help you if you could wear them. Most gloves make things more slippery, except for wide receiver football gloves. It’s also great because “The Glove” is incredibly unintimidating, which makes it incredibly intimidating. If you were about to take on someone named “The Glove” in a bar fight, you’d probably feel pretty good about yourself.

“Come here baby, let The Glove wrap you up.” “Ew.”

However, when people start talking ominously about “The Glove,” you get extremely concerned asking yourself “…why should I be afraid of someone with such a calm nickname? I don’t feel so good about this.” And that is why The Glove grabs my point guard slot.

NUT: Jason “White Chocolate” Williams

Jason Williams is one of the most dazzling players in NBA history, and he did it all without dunks or power. He was unique, and his style was delicious. He was White Chocolate.

From the most reputable site in the world:

The nickname was started in Williams’ rookie year by Stephanie Shepard, a media relations assistant with the Sacramento Kings. “I came up with that name because of his style,” Shepard said. “He has flash and pizzazz. The way he does things with the ball is incredible to me. It reminds me of, like, schoolyard street ball when I go to Chicago.”

He also went by the nicknames “J-Will” and “J-Dub” and has “WHITEBOY” tattooed on his knuckles.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of a totally unrelated fact: he’s, like, white.

“Cool nickname, totally fits my pizzazz.”

I think this nickname is great because it’s definitely not a loving reference to his race, guys.

SHOOTING GUARD

SUIT: Nick “Swaggy P” Young

Perseverance. Playmaker. Precision. Power. Perfection.

Great words, all of which start with letter “P,” but none represent the “P” in our next great nickname. We may never know the origin of “Swaggy P,” and maybe it’s best that way. After all, God works in mysterious ways, like telling Nick Young to call himself Swaggy P. Yes, he really believes that happened.

Nick Young is a mysterious man who I’m sure has mysterious things going on inside his head. And even though no one knows why we call him Swaggy P, it still makes perfect sense. He has the most swag of anyone in the NBA and he has no “P” in his name: it’s the most Nick Young-esque nickname to ever exist.

“Through this telescope, I can see the true meaning of the ‘P.'”

NUT: Luol “The Man from Sudan” Deng

Though he’s more of a small forward, Miami’s system is positionless enough that I feel okay sliding in Luol at shooting guard.

I usually call him Luol “Literally Cash Money” Deng, but “The Man from Sudan” is an even better nickname if you think about it. First of all, it has nothing at all to do with the game of basketball, making it a perfectly suitable nickname for professional basketball players, banished royalty, or really any human male originally born in Sudan. And because the human race expanded outward from Africa, we are all Luol Deng.

Second, Luol Deng isn’t even from Sudan. Just kidding, though that would be amazing.

“I’m actually from the Arctic.”

Third and finally, Luol’s nickname brings attention to the fact that there is indeed a little bit of African in him. I’m not sure why that’s relevant, but then again I don’t live in Atlanta.

SMALL FORWARD

SUIT: Larry “Grandmama” Johnson

Calling LJ “Grandmama” is like referring to one of your buddies by the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done. The beauty of LJ is that he embraced it.

If you’re unaware, the nickname came from a line of Converse ads that Johnson made in the 90s claiming “my shoes are so light, even my grandmama can ball in them.” The commercial featured Larry Johnson dressed as a grandmother, making Tyler Perry’s Madea look like Beyoncé. While “The Glove” is a great nickname because it’s so innocent, the fact that someone as powerful as Larry Johnson would be called “Grandmama” is downright scary.

“Does this dress make me look like a 6’7” black man dressed like a crappy Mrs. Doubtfire?”

The Big Bad Wolf wouldn’t mess with this Grandmama.

NUT: Andrei “AK-47” Kirilenko

What a great nickname, pulling together Andrei’s initials, jersey number, and country of origin perfectly. Just like the Russian gun, Kirilenko is an incredibly mediocre shooter with terrific stopping power.

Oh, and Kirilenko is scary as hell.

“I am also reliable under the harshest conditions, low cost compared to contemporary Western options, available in virtually every geographic region, and easy to use. Thanks reliable source Wikipedia.com!!”

This might be my favorite nickname of all time. Just like the AK-47 is the world’s favorite assault rifle. It’s just perfect.

POWER FORWARD

SUIT: Sir Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley

We could’ve easily made a list of the top 10 Charles Barkley nicknames and called it a day. Chuck rivals Shaq in number of nicknames, but surpasses Shaq in amazingness of nicknames. Most of these nicknames play on Charles’ weight: Crisco Kid, Bread Truck, Love Boat, Wide Load From Leeds, Ton of Fun, Goodtime Blimp, and Food World. Scratch that, all but “Sir” poke fun at his weight. The fact that Chuck embraced them made them even better.

“THESE MOUNDS ARE NO LONGER ROUND”

Though his list of nicknames contains many gems, one stand out among the rest: The Round Mound of Rebound. A nickname that truly has it all: a rhyme, an insult, and compliment all in one. It’s so much fun to say, it’s obnoxiously long, and it’s mildly tongue-twisting. What’s not to love?

The best part: Chuck agrees with my selection, and the proof is here.

NUT: JaVale “Tragic Bronson” McGee

He might be more of a center, but I’m continuing to misclassify players in my desperate quest to accumulate five better nicknames than Suit’s team.

Now, JaVale isn’t a bad player. But while most of us get our horrible basketball mistakes out in high school, some of us persist in the error of our ways millions of dollars later.

Seriously, go watch that link. I don’t even know how to follow that up, but somewhere Magic Johnson just died of a brain aneurism. JaVale McGee is the most creative person I know, in the worst possible way. Thank God for Tragic Bronson.

You will always bring joy into our hearts.

CENTER

SUIT: Birdman “BIRDMAN BIRDMAN” Birdman

BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN, BIRDMAN!

Translation: This is probably the most fitting nickname in existence, and it’s the perfect example of someone embracing their nickname and making it stick even further. He got the nickname because of his wingspan and his tendency to do a gliding celebration. After he got the nickname, he changed his hair to look more birdlike. Then he got “Free Bird” tattooed on his neck and wings tattooed on his biceps.

Throw in an addicting Shaq Inside the NBA clip and BOOM! Birdman (Birdman!) became a nickname that wins over the hearts of millions.

“Shaq, what do you think of BUTTERFLYMAN BUTTERFLYMAN?”

NUT: Shaquille “Osama Bin Shaq” O’Neal

Let’s be real, Shaq has some good ones. MayorMcShaq. The Big Banana. Hobo Master. Manny Shaq-iaou. THE LIST GOES ON.

So why am I picking Osama Bin Shaq? Not just because he gave it to himself (again), or even because Shaq and Laden sound nothing alike. But because in the 2002 NBA Finals, mere months after the 9/11 attacks, Shaq decided that he was singlehandedly making Keith Van Horn and the New Jersey Nets the primary victims of terrorism here in the United States. That’s right, Shaquille O’Neal named himself after public enemy number one for being a more historically dominant big man than Keith Van Horn.

“And I couldn’t have done it without my main man, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mission accomplished!”

God I love Shaq.

WRAPPING UP.

SUIT NUT
PG: The Glove PG: White Chocolate
SG: Swaggy P SG: The Man from Sudan
SF: Grandmama SF: AK-47
PF: The Round Mound of Rebound PF: Tragic Bronson
C: BIRDMAN BIRDMAN C: Osama Bin Shaq

So, whose team is better? Did we miss anybody? Holler at us, we’d love to know.

Much love,

Suit and Nut

s&n big