Since the Jumpman first took flight, shoe companies have longed to create lasting, iconic logos for their athletes. Though no one has touched Jordan’s level of recognition, some players such as Kobe and LeBron have logos widely known among NBA fans.
Yesterday, Under Armour filed a trademark of a logo for their star point guard, Emmanuel “You thought I’d say Steph Curry” Mudiay. But it doesn’t take a fashion nazi to see why this logo is horrible.
Inspired by this questionable logo choice, ChodeLeague.com presents:
A DEEP DIVE OF THE 13 WORST PLAYER LOGOS
IN NBA HISTORY
(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)
1. Emmanuel Mudiay
It’s not what it looks like, mom. It’s just Third Reich iconography!
What the logo means: Take an E, take an M. Now shape them both like Nazi batarangs. What have you got? A fucking mess of Mudiay’s initials.
Why it is horrible: So you’ve made a swastika. Or at the very least, it’s certainly not not a swastika. The only way this could be worse is if this was the design for Dirk’s shoe.
2. Paul George
I’m telling you, the Indiana Rhinos will love it.
What the logo means: Here, parts of a P and a G represent his initials.
Why it is horrible: It doesn’t seem to have any sort of vision or purpose. Some questions: Why is the G cut in half? Why does it look like a question mark, or maybe a reach-around? Can someone make a decent logo for U.S. Olympian and The Bachelor guest-star, PG-13?
Yes, but only if I can be nauseatingly clever about it.
Oh look, there’s one now.
But if you take pictures like this, maybe it’s fitting to have a shitty logo:
Looks like you played yourself.
3. Dwight Howard
We hired a team of expert rocket scientists and middle school cheerleaders to analyze this logo. You WON’T BELIEVE what they found, or the in-depth infographic they produced:
Also pictured: the word “dhup”
As you can see, the logo subconsciously forms the letter S as in “really sucks now.”
4. Blake Griffin
Apparently the Clippers now have yellow shorts?
What the logo means: It’s a B and a G, for obvious reasons.
Why it is horrible: This logo looks like it belongs on a car, and no, definitely not a certain Kia with a 5-star Crash Test Safety Rating. The angles of the letters form a rough wing pattern, which could represent Blake’s ability to fly, but they also end up creating a weird V in the middle. There is no V in Blake “My Team Wins More When I’m Hurt” Griffin. So why the V?
The rest of the negative space looks like a gun on the left, and a broken leg on the right. Can someone page Carl Landry that we found his logo?
5. John Wall
Wizards Coach Scott Brooks holds up the logo that really is exactly like John Wall’s. (Hint: John’s rocking the one on the right.)
What the logo means: As you can clearly see, this logo features the letters J and W, because by NBA law, modern player logos can only use initials.
Why it is horrible: This logo was clearly a rip-off of Weyerhammer Paper Company from The Office, whose Airstream Deluxe A4 model truly is the Cadillac of paper.
Did the guy at Adidas who made this logo later join the Melania Trump speech writing team? (The previous joke was topical, socially indicating my knowledge of current events with a wink and a nod.)
6. Dwyane Wade
All I can say is: WoW
What the logo means: Apparently, you can spell W-A-D-E using the top, bottom, left, and right portions of the circle respectively. Our team of scientist-cheerleaders says not to try this at home.
Why it is horrible: It’s eerily similar to the logo for Stance, the sock company Wade signed with before releasing his own logo. It also looks like an asshole, which may or may not be a coincidence.
7. Paul Pierce
What the logo means: Pretty please, kill me.
Why it is horrible: Could be mistaken for I2, an unfinished R, just the letter P, or the Egyptian hieroglyph for “faking an injury.”
8. Lance Stephenson
Pictured: Lance Stephenson, twice
What the logo means: It’s Lance Stephenson’s face.
Why it is horrible: It’s Lance Stephenson’s face.
9. Charles Barkley
What the logo means: This is meant to show Charles Barkley, having secured a rebound.
Why it is horrible: Ah yes, what could be more iconic than Barkley’s form after grabbing a board? What other athletic feat could produce such a stunning silhouette?
This abomination looks like a suburban mother of three who dressed as a ninja turtle for the neighborhood costume party. Its only saving grace is Chuck’s serious donk.
10. Vince Carter
Are those thresher maws tiled in the background? I truly cannot tell.
What the logo means: Somewhere in this image, the designers have cleverly hidden a V, a C, and the number 15 from the eyes of any and all inquisitive viewers.
Why it is horrible: “Hey Rupert, how can we visually symbolize one of the most aesthetically graceful players ever?”
“Let’s try to cram a bunch of shit into as small an area as possible.”
“That sounds great, and won’t look like a Russian porn app either”
11. Ray Allen
If the R is the trajectory of Allen’s shot, he’s fucked.
What the logo means: Ray Allen likes to shoot and his name is Ray.
Why it is horrible: In the nineties, silhouettes were in, à la Michael Jordan. But there’s nothing iconic about shooting a jumpshot per se. Really, everyone shoots jumpshots.
Cue the logo maker: “How can we make it clear that this is Ray Allen shooting a jumpshot… OH! Let’s spell his name and make him the R. But uh, just the straight part, it’s still the nineties.”
12. Rasheed Wallace
“Let not thy left leg know what thy right leg doeth.” – Mathhew 6:3
What the logo means: It’s Rasheed, either shooting, or dunking, or grabbing a rebound, or maybe just holding the ball away from a squabble of kids below.
Why it is horrible: If this shitty silhouette is supposed to show Sheed shooting, well shucks. It doesn’t look like his jumper at all (note his lack of leg kick in real life).
If it’s meant to show him dunking straight up-and-down like a pencil, grabbing a rebound directly above his head, or torturing tiny children, the designer should be shot.
13. Kobe Bryant, Adidas Era
What the logo means: It’s the fro-file of a young Kobe Bryant.
Why it is horrible: This could very well be the profile of any human being with a head and/or face. The point of a logo is to make the consumer think of a singular player, not the collection of most humans on Earth. At least the shoes weren’t horribl-
Life imitates art, but these look like concept car models
BONUS ROUND: Anthony “Freak Geek” Davis
At just 23 years of age, Anthony Davis still lacks both “teammates” and a “Nike signature logo.” Naturally, we propose the only rational option for the Brow:
A wax and an orthodontist
Mike (@Schubes17) is an editor at Chode League and is the “Suit” half of Suit & Nut. This article was edited by Ricky, the founder of Chode League and the “Nut” of Suit & Nut.