Doc Rivers narrowly saves Derek Fisher’s life

DOC RIVERS, right, intervenes not a moment too soon.

After hearing that Coach Derek Fisher was consensually spending some alone time with his ex-wife, NBA bruiser Matt Barnes reportedly flew over 90 miles to confront the player-turned-coach in person. But unlike Gloria Govan, the confrontation was anything but beautiful.

“You’re no hero, you’re just than a man in a suit,” taunted Barnes, 35. “Take that off, what are you?”

“Genius, millionaire, playboy, NBA coach,” responded a confident 41-year-old Derek Fisher.

Moments later, Matt Barnes was comfortably beating the shit out of Fisher in an extended mêlée confrontation. Doc Rivers swooped in not a moment too soon.

“That’s enough! This is what Hinkie wants!” he reminded them.

“Yeah but apparently I’m volatile, self-obsessed, and don’t play well with others,” Barnes warned.

Moments later, some fucking nerd stepped in to inform the three that none of their lines made any sense in context, Matt Barnes really should have been the Hulk, why was Doc Rivers there anyway, and they should all really just rewatch the actual movie.

The trio then spent three hours ripping the scrawny little shit a new asshole.

Your comments, as always, are welcome.

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NBA bans Clippers from post-season for academic violations involving reading for DeAndre Jordan

The NBA has sanctioned the Los Angeles Clippers for multiple academic violations, including lying to DeAndre Jordan about the contents of the Mavericks’ written contract, and generally failing to teach him how to read.

The penalties will keep the Clippers from the 2016 postseason. In addition, DeAndre Jordan will be forced to spend ten hours a week working on Hooked-on-Phonics.

From Steve Ballmer: “While we accept responsibility for violations, DeAndre Jordan has practiced reading hundreds of words per day with the organization. His overall technique looks solid, although the results have yet to manifest themselves in an actual literary context.”

Reports indicated that DeAndre Jordan was more interested in dunking and blocking shots than working on basic fundamentals.

The tone from the NBA itself was more stern. “The head basketball coach failed to promote an atmosphere of literacy within his program,” a spokesman told an anxious crowd of over 100 fully literate journalists.

When reached for comment, DeAndre Jordan himself was quietly grateful: “At least we didn’t receive the D-E-T-H penalty.”

ANTHONY DAVIS ON GO-TO MOVE: “dunking, rebounding, blocking, stealing, shooting, and sometimes passing.”

If 22-year-old Anthony Davis has anything to say about it, the New Orleans Pelicans will be a force to reckon with this year.

In response to questions about his favored move on the court, a visibly sweaty Davis seemed unconcerned. “Yeah, I’ve been working on my steal-blocks, and also my shoot-dunks with the training staff the past couple of weeks. But I’m still young and have room to grow.”

Pictured: In one fell swoop, Anthony Davis shoots the ball, blocks his own shot, corrals the miss, and drives inside for the tomahawk jam (or occasional assist)!

“It’s tiring work, but the only way this shitty team will ever make the playoffs in the Western Conference is if I dribble-pass or lob-run this team right into the mix every night. It’s gonna be a grind you won’t wanna miss!” he continued, as his teammates stood around uselessly.

“Thankfully, I’ve got Alexis Ajinca here to help,” he added. “And shout out to my boy Luke Babbitt!!!”

The Pelicans are projected to win one game for every minute averaged by the young Davis in 2015-16.

SHAQ DISCOVERS 10,000TH WAY TO MISS A FREE THROW

Chode League has learned from an inside source that former MVP and massive chode Shaquille O’Neal reportedly called up Charles Barkley late last night with some exciting news.

“Chuck, you’ll never believe it. I’m up shooting around, just trying different things, when all of a sudden, I missed a free throw like I have never missed before.”

“The ball got pretty close and rolled around, but then it actually got stuck on the rim! I think if I keep tinkering with this, someday soon I’ll finally discover how to make a free throw.”

Charles Barkley reportedly told Shaq to go the hell to sleep after informing him that the successful free throw was actually invented by Dr. James Naismith over a hundred years ago.

“Genius is one percent inspiration, or in my case, three hundred and fifty percent perspiration.”

At press time, Shaq was seen asking if he could lower the rim “just for a second” so he could try something “totally awesome.”

CLEVELAND INFORMS CHODE LEAGUE OF REVISED STRATEGY

In a press release Friday afternoon, the Cleveland Cavaliers informed CHODE LEAGUE that they are switching their team’s objectives next year from being the league’s chodiest team to “maybe winning a championship sometime.”

In a private interview, owner Dan Gilbert explained: “After winning the first pick in the draft three of the last four years, we pretty much choded out. It’s time to take on a new challenge: losing with LeBron James.”

“While hiring Mike Brown and drafting Anthony Bennett were fun choices, I think we’re probably ready to try to get smart. Of course, we could never be as perfectly neutral as Rahfin’s incredible Allie Hawks Akbar team…”

Truly remarkable.

“So just trying to win a championship is a reasonable compromise we think we can achieve.”

While the Cavaliers are looking to turn things around, Cleveland Mayor Frank G. Jackson announced today that the city of Cleveland plans to finally overtake Detroit and become the “chodiest city in the United States for the 2014-15 season.”