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The problem isn’t that fantasy basketball is broken.
Fantasy basketball isn’t broken enough.
In the real NBA, teams have varying and even clashing goals. For a select few, an NBA championship is the prize, and each year the stakes are win or bust. But for other teams, the first concern is to secure a high draft pick en route to rebuilding.
So why doesn’t fantasy basketball capture this elaborate gamesmanship?
Look: If real basketball is broken, shouldn’t fantasy EMBRACE that?
Introducing CHODE LEAGUE, the newest and stupidest fantasy basketball league around. Twelve owners will compete, but just four make the playoffs. If you win the playoffs and are crowned the new NBA champion, congrats! You receive one quarter of the pot. However, if you tank your little heart out with the worst, stupidest, CHODIEST team and luck into winning the draft lottery, you get the lion’s share — THREE QUARTERS for you!
And if you’re not first or last, better luck next year.
CHODE LEAGUE is a head-to-head points league. The smartest teams will score the most points, and the CHODIEST teams will score the fewest, or even negative points. Owners bid $$ for the NBA franchise they would like to operate, and receive points (as described below) for how poorly that franchise is coached, managed, and/or owned. In addition, they draft a full roster of players to employ.
The only question is: what will your team strive for?
Here’s the current scoring system:
- Ejections: -100
- Flagrant Fouls: -40
- Technical Fouls: -30
- Disqualifications: -20
- Free Throws Missed: -4
- Personal Fouls: -4
- Turnovers: -4
- Field Goals Missed: -1
- Minutes: -0.15
- Defensive Rebounds: +0.5
- Assists: +1
- Free Throws Made: +1
- Points: +1
- Offensive Rebounds: +1.5
- Blocks: +4
- Steals: +4
- Team Wins: +4
- Triple Doubles: +100
- Quadruple Doubles: +1000
Additionally, the Commissioner will adjust scores as follows, effective immediately:
- Fines: -1 per $1000
- Suspensions: -20 per game
- Shaqtin a Fool: -100 per appearance
- Franchise Curse: Every four weeks, the Commissioner will shame certain NBA franchises for recent acts of egregious mismanagement. In a recorded video uploaded by the League, each nominated team will receive a number of slips equal to the number of losses incurred during the last four weeks. These slips will be placed in a hat, and the Commissioner will randomly draft one franchise’s misfortunes as the worst of the lot. The owner of this franchise will receive -100 per week for the following month.
It’s the league you didn’t even know you needed.
For those curious (no one), here are the current NBA lottery odds for the 8 non-playoff teams: