FRANCHISE ACQUISITION RAFFLE

Here we go again:

Chan Cleveland CAVALIERS
Fry Toronto RAPTORS
Gerberich Brooklyn NETS
Gross/Parisi Oklahoma City THUNDER
Koford Miami HEAT
Matejka San Antonio SPURS
McClernand New Orleans PELICANS
Mouser Los Angeles LAKERS
Raun Los Angeles CLIPPERS
Schubert Sacramento KINGS
Tverye Milwaukee BUCKS
Wang New York KNICKS

Here’s our horrific 3-hour live commentary:

Ranking The Top 10 NBA Shoe Throws

In a preseason game between the Clippers and Raptors this year, NBA history was made. With 6:22 to go in the 2nd quarter, Jamal Crawford tried to shake a defender out of his shoes, but ironically became the victim of his own finesse. Crawford’s left foot slipped out of his sneaker, forcing him to pick up his dribble and pass to teammate Blake Griffin. After much research, this appears to be the first recorded instance of a player throwing a teammate’s shoe at an opponent.

Shoe throws are fairly common in the NBA, but almost all involve a player throwing an opponent’s shoe away from to put them at an obvious disadvantage. Griffin’s decision to throw Crawford’s shoe at opponent Cory Joseph was both revolutionary and effective, as it led to Griffin driving the lane and earning two free throws.

Inspired by this innovative display of basketball genius, the team here at Chode League embarked on a deep dive of NBA shoe throwing. These plays have thus been ranked based on dirtiness, comedic effect, and whether or not they led to a competitive advantage. We limited this to NBA shoe throws, so we can only give honorable mention to the J.R. Smith shoe untying (how could we not), Bill Walton allegedly attempting a block with his shoe (not even close), the George W. Bush shoe dodge (legendary), and the Webber/Barkley reenactment of the Bush dodge (even better). Without further adieu, here are the top 10 NBA shoe throws of all time:

“REF, I SWEAR I WAS TRYING TO HELP”

The first rule of a dirty play is to not get caught. These players violated that rule.

10. Ronnie Price

Shoe thrown: Own

End Result:Technical foul

The Play: Ronnie Price performs a step-back move, but his right shoe does not. He turns the ball over to Andre Iguodala, grabs his shoe, chases Iggy, hurls the shoe at him, misses wildly, and is called for a technical foul.

This is the worst shoe throw in the history of the NBA. Not only does Ronnie Price lose his shoe in an undramatic fashion, turn the ball over, and fail to disrupt the play, but he also gets caught red-handed, earning a technical foul. Absolutely atrocious. It’s no surprise Price is currently a third-string point guard with a “non-existent fantasy value” according to Rotoworld.com.

9. Will Barton 

Shoe Thrown: Trevor Ariza (Opponent)

End Result: Technical foul

The Play: Trevor Ariza chases a rebound, but falls over, losing a shoe in the process. The Nuggets grab the board and score, and Will Barton throws Ariza’s shoe out of bounds while heading back on defense. But Will is caught in the act and whistled for a technical foul, causing the two teams to get into a brief argument as well.

If you are unsure why Trevor Ariza gets so upset at Barton, you’ll see later in this list that this is the second time Arizia has had his shoe thrown by an opponent. It’s incredible that these two teams get into a scuffle over something so absurd, but imagine if Barton hadn’t been caught. If so, Ariza might have fallen victim to two unnoticed shoe throws, along with crippling depression leading to an early retirement.

“RIGHT IDEA, RIGHT IDEA”

These players didn’t get caught, but they also didn’t help their team. So now they’re just assholes.

8. Deandre Jordan

Shoe Thrown: Kenneth Faried (Opponent)

End Result: Clippers score

The Play: Kenneth Faried loses his shoe attempting a transition layup. After securing the rebound and dishing the outlet pass, DeAndre Jordan launches Faried’s shoe at a cameraman. The Clippers score a fastbreak bucket, forcing a Nuggets timeout.

A painfully uneventful shoe throw. DeAndre Jordan wasn’t caught, his team scored, and he forced a timeout, but he didn’t score any style points whatsoever. Faried didn’t get mad, the Clippers would have scored anyway, and DJ didn’t even laugh. Opportunity wasted.

7.Marc Gasol

Show Thrown: Own

End Result: Common Foul

The Play: Marc Gasol makes a floater, but loses his shoe while running back on defense. Teammate Ed Davis tosses Gasol his shoe, who promptly uses it to frantically swipe at Derrick Favors for a steal. Gasol is called for a foul and aggressively pleads with the ref to let him put his shoe back on before the Jazz can inbound the ball.

Gasol’s throw is iconic because he uses his shoe as a damn weapon. He swats angrily at Derrick Favors and is miraculously only called for a common foul. What did the ref call when he went to the scorers table? Hacking? Reach-in? Attacking an Innocent Man with a Shoe? We may never know.

“WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN…”

The plays were perfect, the outcomes were not. Here’s to the ones that could have been legendary.

6. Tyson Chandler

Shoe Thrown/Swatted: MO BUCKETS’

End Result: Mavericks foul

The Play: MO BUCKETS loses his shoe on a drive; when it gets in the way of Steph Curry, Steph tosses it aside. On their next offensive possession, Steph relocates the shoe and tosses it back to Mo. Tyson Chandler, who is only good at dunking alley oops and blocking things, does the latter and SWATS this shoe pass away while retreating on defense. Buckets and Curry protest while the Mavs are quickly called for a blocking foul.

The awareness by Chandler, the 2012 Defensive Player of the Year, is astounding. He recognized Speights lost his shoe, he knew where the shoe had been tossed, and had the presence of mind to disrupt the teammate shoe pass while getting back on defense. This was not simply a right place/right time play. Chandler went out of his way to block this shoe pass, and it is a damn shame that nothing more came of this than a few laughs. However, he probably got a DPOY vote for this play alone.

5. Dwyane Wade

Shoe thrown: Mike Bibby (Opponent)

End Result: Knicks alley oop

The Play: Mike Bibby grabs a rebound and loses his shoe in the process. While he is passing the ball, Dwyane Wade grabs Bibby’s shoe and tosses it into the corner, out of bounds. Bibby stares at Wade in disbelief, who holds his stare and jogs back smugly. But the Knicks promptly complete an alley oop to Tyson Chandler, who has never scored by any other means in his entire career.

Though this play did not result in a positive outcome for the Heat, it ranks high due to the circumstances. This took place DURING THE PLAYOFFS. Stakes are high, tension is palpable, and cameras are everywhere. The audacity of Wade to perform such a petty move in such a situation is only rivaled by the iconic Lance Stephenson Ear Blowing of 2013. (Ear blowing list is forthcoming.)

“I MEAN, IT’S JUST STRATEGY”

Successful dirty plays like these are what inspired Jason Kidd to “spill his soda.”

4. Jarret Jack 

Shoe Thrown: Dorell Wright (Opponent)

End Result: Warriors 3-pointer, giggling

The Play: Dorell Wright steals a pass from Andrew Bogut and launches down the court for a 1-on-1 fastbreak against Klay Thompson. He stumbles and loses his shoe in the process, which Jarrett Jack LAUNCHES well into the stands. Wright passes to Evan Turner, who finishes a layup. The Warriors then inbound the ball, Jack nails a three, and the Sixers call a timeout to get Wright’s shoe back.

There is so much right with this play. First off, Jarrett Jack throws Wright’s shoe about 500 rows deep into the stands. Incredible. Second, Jack’s man, Evan Turner, gets an easy layup because Jack went out of his way to hurl this shoe into another time zone. Hilarious. Third, Jack follows up his shoe toss with a bomb from three. Clutch. Fourth, Jack giggles profusely as the Sixers call a timeout. Perfect. This is a flawless play. How could things get any better?

3. Blake Griffin

Shoe thrown: Jamal Crawford (Teammate)

End Result: Clippers free throws

The Play: Described in the beginning of the article

Pure innovation by Griffin, pure devastation by Corey “Remember That Time Drake Rapped About Me?” Joseph. The play caused Joseph to execute one of the strangest flops ever; he had to pretend that a shoe lightly tossed towards him foul him egregiously. Blake Griffin not only looks smart in this play, but also makes Corey Joseph look foolish. A true work of art.

2. Ron Artest

Shoe Thrown: Trevor Ariza (Opponent, Repeat Victim)

End Result: Opponent failed drive, Lakers 3

The Play: Once again, Trevor Ariza loses his shoe while fighting for a rebound, so the artist formerly known as Ron Artest flings it behind the stanchion. Luis Scola dribbles down the court, flops, and misses a layup. The Lakers come back down and pass to Artest, who promptly drains a three.

This is the first recorded instance of a player throwing an opponent’s shoe, and it’s no surprise that the player to open Pandora’s Shoebox is the infamous Metta World Peace. Not only does this play rank high due to the innovation factor, but it also led to a three by Artest himself. MWP invented a new strategy, was not caught, the other team didn’t score, and he drained one from long range following the throw. Simply put, a perfect play.

“THE GREATEST PLAY IN THE HISTORY OF BASKETBALL”

1. Mike Miller makes three wearing one shoe:

Shoe Thrown: Own

End Result: NBA Championship

The Play: With the Heat trailing 3-2 in the series and down by seven with 10:50 to go in the fourth, Mike Miller loses his shoe on the defensive end. He tosses the shoe aside (incredibly casually at 0:31 in the video), runs down court, and drills a three to bring the game within four WEARING ONLY ONE SHOE.

When most describe the 3-pointer in the 4th quarter of Game 6 of the 2013 Finals, they are referring to Ray Allen’s clutch shot to send the game to overtime. Despite the greatness of this play, it was not the best three pointer from that game. Mike “Mike Miller” Miller’s shot, which capped off a 10-2 Heat run, was so momentous that the Spurs had to call a timeout even though ONE OPPONENT WAS NOT WEARING BOTH SHOES. I am fully convinced that the Heat refused to lose the game after Miller performed this miracle, which motivated Allen to make that iconic shot. This is undoubtedly the greatest play in the history of basketball.

If the list above shows anything, it is that the NBA shoe throw game continues to develop. Much like small ball, creativity with shoe throws are constantly changing the NBA landscape. The NBA will be a better league if these innovations progress. Let’s all pray Dion Waiters comes upon a loose shoe this year.

 

Mike Schubert (@Schubes17) is an editor for Chode Leauge as well as the “Suit” half of Suit&Nut. 

All Barnes Myself: On the Bench

Venezuela 69 – 113 Team USA

Harrison Barnes: 4p / 2r / 1a

The Venezuelans did a great job of controlling the flow and pace of a tightly-called half-court game, until they finally didn’t, committing back-to-back shot clock violations and eventually (gasp!) even letting the Americans leak out in transition unfouled.

So progress was slow. Team USA was tied after the first. They were up 22 at half. And with 1:04 to go in the game, up 44, Tom Thibodeau was still caught shaking his head in disgust as the Americans inexplicably allowed a difficult fadeaway three by Venezuela to pass through the gaping orifice of the rim, just one more element of a strainingly limitable but fundamentally irrepressible flow of exchange. Does anyone else think Thibs might have a classic psychosexual anal fixation?

Anyway, how did Harrison Barnes do?

Lowlight: [VNZ 42-63] Echenique 2nd Free Throw: Made (14 PTS) Q3-4:00

“I will go before thee” -Isaiah 45:2

As always, there were great nominees for this low-light. Was it Barnes missing a dunk? No.

How about shoddy no-man’s-land defense against the pick-and-roll? Nah.

What about missing a pushoff fadeaway, and then missing another putback dunk (to be fair, he got to the line this time)? Meh. These don’t yet approach the nadir of being Barnes for a day.

Obviously with a score so tight, Barnes didn’t check in during the first half. But as the Americans began to carve out their advantage, the all-time great broadcasting duo of Marv Albert and Doug Collins got a bit excited. Marv “Hooker” Albert began discussing alleged milkshake bets over on whether Team USA would win by fifty points, and it was clear that he had taken the under. Now here’s Doug Collins weighing in during a Venezuela free throw:

“Yeah, the one thing with Venezuela…how much energy are they gonna have in the fourth quarter, because the United States comes at you, you know, with so many different players. Uh, Harrison Barnes has not played tonight. The rest of the guys have all gotten into the game.”

Cue the instant cut to Barnes, which is now my desktop. Fucking devastating.

Highlight: [USA 101-61] Butler Layup: Made (16 PTS) Assist: Barnes (1 AST) Q4-3:53

“[L]ead me to the rock” -Psalm 61:2

The United States les by 31 points with 6:47 remaining in the game, and Coach K’s mental math finally indicated that Harrison was unlikely to lose by 5 points/minute. And he was right! In fact, Harrison earned four free throws during that stretch, and knocked all of them down.

But the apogee of being Harrison Barnes for a day was a beautiful, two-handed outlet pass to a streaking Jimmy Butler, who finished hard in transition. It was such a fluid motion, from rebound to toss to the hands of Jimmy, that I couldn’t help but think of Kevin Love.

It’s a good thing Harrison Barnes will be surrounded by other lanky, rim-running athletes in Dallas this year, and that’s why the Mavericks will pay him $951,075 more than K-Love in 2016-17 for his services.

I did like the pass though.

Harry looks to squash Serbia today at 5 pm central.

All Barnes Myself in Garbage Time

China 62 – 119 Team USA

Harrison Barnes: 8p / 4r / 1a

Despite a narrow failure to double up Team China’s score, the Americanos got off to a strong start in Olympic pool play. Kevin Durant had a signature stretch of slightly too-easy back-to-back-to-back threes in the second quarter, ominously portending the foreseeable future of NBA life.

Harrison was able to rebound from a slow start to post Olympic highs in assists, rebounds, and points. He threw another post entry, this time to Paul George for a tough turnaround. He grabbed uncontested rebounds and pushed the tempo in transition. And he missed an open three in the closing seconds of the game.

But really, how did Harrison Barnes do?

Lowlight: [CHN] Team Offensive Rebound Q2-2:27

“But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.” -Luke 6:49

FIBA insists that Harrison Barnes entered the game a full minute before this play, but honest to God, I watched this stretch three times and could swear he hadn’t checked in until he was lining up for Team China’s free throws. This play’s a bit of bad luck, really — it’s Harrison’s fault, but not all his fault. Still, he should have been more prepared.

Team USA lined up just three players along the key, with Harrison lingering at the three point line. Li Muhao missed his second free throw diagonally across from Kevin Durant, who was assigned to box him out. Harrison began inching towards the paint, but not quickly enough to prevent Zhai Xiaochuan from violently batting the ball off his leg and out of bounds.

We’ve discussed how Harrison Barnes’ hands rarely look active off-ball, and how he tends to glide around a bit aimlessly, never physically holding his position at either end of the court. It’s frustrating to watch such a long, hesitant athlete putter about in stop-motion.

Highlight: [USA 109-61] Barnes Cutting Dunk Shot: Made (4 PTS) Assist: Draymond Green (3 ASTS) Q4-4:06

“Give, and it shall be given unto you” -The Team USA Coaching Staff staring in respectful silence. (Also Luke 6:38)

Now here’s a man moving with grace and purpose:

Moments after not totally committing on help defense and giving up an and-0 layup, Barnes surveyed the floor, dribbled hard, crossed over, stepped back, and got Yi Jianlian off his feet. If we froze that instant, we might expect a player like Barnes to turn away and shield the ball as the play died down. Maybe he’d eventually pass it back out for a long Paul George three with four seconds left.

But that’s not what happened.

Instead, Barnes threw the ball to Draymond Green and ran into the middle of the paint before Yi Jianlian even hit the ground. Green passed right back, and Barnes got an easy flush, using two hands for safety.

If you’ve ever looked at a Harrison Barnes heat map, it’s all corner threes and shots at the rim. Hold on:

Okay, now you’ve seen it.

So if Barnes is looking to expand his role next year, he’s got to become decisive moving without the ball like this. He’s a good athlete and set shooter, so his ceiling as a cutter is, uh, through-the-roof.

Let’s hope for more of this from Harry-B.

Harry looks to vanquish Venezuela today at 5 pm central.

All Barnes Myself: A man in transition

Nigeria 66 – 110 Team USA

Harrison Barnes: 8p / 2r / 0a

Four years ago to the day, I was on layover in Heathrow Airport. The Olympics were in full swing just a few miles away, but my personal bankruptcy was even nearer. I’ll never forget watching golden morning light stream over the television replay as Team USA virtually reenacted its positive trouncing of Nigeria. Carmelo Anthony scored 37 points in 14 minutes. The Redeem Team shot over 70% from the field, and over 60% from three. I still rewatch from time to time to recall that rush of invincibility.

And as Londoners gathered round to ask why the fuck I was still watching a game between two teams separated by forty, fifty, sixty points, I could only smile. Surely this congenial passivity explained the sun’s setting on the once-dominant British Empire. Surely this pusillanimous country would deserve #Brexit2016, just a few bewildering years away. Surely this commemorative U.S. team couldn’t outperform the Dream Team, but it did, obliterating the all-time Olympics record for points scored, and 2n+10ing a modern opponent 156-73 in the process.

I’ll always cherish watching the Redeem Team smash Africa’s powerhouse squad en route to winning the gold. But, will I remember how did Harrison Barnes did four years later?

Highlight: [USA 9-2] Barnes 3pt Shot: Made (3 PTS) Assist: Lowry (1 AST) 07:57
[USA 78-41] Barnes 3pt Shot: Made (6 PTS) Assist: Anthony (1 AST) 2:03

“I made haste, and delayed not to keep thy commandments” -Psalm 119:60

With Kyrie out resting a minor thigh injury, Barnes — who up until now had never played in a first quarter — suddenly earned his first start. And on the opening play, he left his man wide open in the corner off the threat of a cut, realized his mistake as the pass zipped by, spun around like a shadow with his arms unfurled behind him, and then closed out so hard he narrowly avoided fouling the shooter, who, to be fair, did miss badly. Just like that, our hero was off to another roller-coaster start!

We’ve talked before about Harrison’s tendency to rush moves, but I suppose there is a time and place for everything. For instance, it almost works in transition. On both of these threes, Harrison caught the ball and immediately started shooting without the slightest trace of hesitation. He was open, but not overwhelmingly so. And both times, he buried the shot.

Barnes often seems to shoot in the half-court out of some sort of reluctant moral compulsion, or an egoic burst of self-awareness. Even, or especially when he is wide open, Harrison’s shot grows stiff: he looks intent on getting rid of the ball as quickly as possible. The fast break, however, opens the possibility of a suddenly vulnerable choice. Shooting even an open three in transition is never truly mandated by conventional basketball wisdom, with its (Michael Jordanesque) Bull-headed emphasis on finishing strong inside, or at least drawing free throws, on each and every fast break. As such, every three pointer attempted in transition is a radical departure, a moment set aside to freely indulge the Self’s own Will without subjection to the hypercritical lens of Idea. Curry and Thompson led the league in transition threes last year, but the “Black Falcon” is coming.

Conclusion: When cleaved from the preconceptions of his exogenous shooting conscience by the momentary acknowledgement of his own radical freedom to make and unmake himself, Harrison Barnes’ talent really shines through. (But only when he lets his basketball existence precede his basketball essence.)

Lowlight: [NGR] Umeh 3pt Shot: Missed 01:26
[USA] Barnes Rebound (Off:0 Def:1) 01:25
[USA] Barnes Driving Reverse Layup Shot: Missed 01:17

“Through desire a man, having separated himself, seeketh and intermeddleth with all wisdom.” -Proverbs 18:1

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Barnes stumbles blindly into a simple screen-and-roll. His man, Michael Umeh, dribbles left and would have found himself wide-open; but he forgot about Dray, who has spent so long playing alongside Barnes, he’s already running out hard. Umeh airballs several feet to the right, and Barnes scoops up the uncontested rebound. He takes off down the court. The ball is in his hands! He is the Master of his Fate, the Captain of his Soul!! And every dribble is a chance to consider that weighty fact, hanging like an anchor about his neck.

When Barnes has to create for himself, he starts thinking, and when he starts thinking, he becomes painfully predictable. Without even watching the play, you might guess he’ll try to go left.

He’s a man down on the break, so he posts up just inside the three-point line, waiting for something to happen. It doesn’t. He tries to spin off to his left and drive hard to the rim, and the broadcast camera dramatically shifts to an under-the-basket angle for the incoming dunk. Barnes swoops into frame. Finally, he smacks a reverse layup hard off the glass. It never touches the rim, and Team USA earns a team rebound when Nigeria fails to rein in its violent trajectory.

(To be fair, I think this might have been an uncredited block.)

I come away genuinely worried that Harrison Barnes cannot be trusted to make decisions, nor to be placed in positions where decisions are pre-fabricated for him (e.g. open corner threes.) Right now, he looks at his best when decisions as such are never made at all, when he catches the ball in the chaos of the open-court and responds with the unflinching celerity of unfiltered Will triumphing over Idea.

From Schopenhauer’s opus, The Basketball World as Will and Idea, this formulation precisely opposes the true test of basketball genius (roughly, the apprehension of Idea via Will-less knowledge/unfettered Platonic conceptual acquaintance).

Conclusion: Old Boy Arthur would be committed to calling Harry B a goddamn chode.

So the next time no one tries to tell you that Harrison Barnes deserves his max contract, be sure to tell him or her: “Shut up, weirdo. That intentionally confusing guy on ChodeLeague.com said something that probably disagreed.”

You’ll be right.

As Olympic pool play officially begins, Harrison Barnes looks to conquer Team China this Friday at 5 pm central.

All Barnes Myself: What a pass

Venezuela 45 – 80 Team USA

Harrison Barnes: 4p / 0r / 1a

A disappointing game for the United States, who slowly outscored Venezuela without producing a single highlight through the first thirty-eight minutes, and then celebrated two open dunks. For eight long hours, I was lulled to sleep by a bizarro zombie Warriors team kicking the ball out over and over for long misses. This eternity was punctuated by DeAndre Jordan occasionally dunking with both hands, and DeMarcus Cousins committing his five hundredth travel.

I also suffered through a decade-long, detectably fascioid interview that linked parading the bestest basketball team and the very bestestest military as a single, unified point of national self-worth. Death is too kind an escape from certain kinds of lives, including the kind I endured while watching this game. Oh, the things I do for you.

Speaking of wanting to die, how did Harrison Barnes do?

Lowlight: [USA 29-18] Barnes Free Throw 1 of 2 (1 PT) 02:21
[USA 30-18] Barnes Free Throw 2 of 2 (2 PTS) 02:21

“[He] hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.” -Nahum 1:3

Venezuela is one tough, crafty team in the half-court. They grind hard on both ends, a Memphis Grizzlies clone in desperate miniature. And dammit, they kept Team USA from ever really getting things going. By any definition, continuing to launch threes until you finish 4-of-25 as a country embodies insanity, and despite a 25-rebound advantage, the Team USA couldn’t seem to buy a clean finish inside either.

It’s against this frustrating backdrop that Carmelo drew an extra confused defender in transition. Barnes cut towards the basket, but seemingly without realizing it: he only looked back for a pass at the final possible moment. By then he was directly under the basket, while somehow facing away from it.

He panicked a bit, spun back towards the defense like some desperate whirling dervish, and glanced the ball off the bottom of the rim. The referee reacted with dull compassion, and you’ll be pleased to know that Harrison made both his free throws.

Without the ball, Barnes always seems to have his hands down, unprepared for a pass. And with the ball, he always appears rushed, further muddling his footwork. So in the fourth quarter, I wasn’t surprised when he drove left and finished awkwardly off the wrong foot. And it made sense for him to airball an open pull-up jumper: he’s still learning to create for himself.

But to fuck up an assisted layup like that was really discouraging.

Highlight: [USA 71-41] Green Layup Shot: Made (3 PTS) Assist: Barnes (1 AST) 03:24

“Give us help from trouble: for vain is the help of man.” -Psalm 60:11

Coming into this game, Barnes had not thrown an assist in 45:37 of exhibition play, despite unquestionably being the worst player on a team otherwise packed with All-Stars. For Harrison to vaguely merit his max contract, he’ll have to do a bit of creating for the Mavericks, and tonight, there were promising glimpses. He sent a lob pass five feet over DeMarcus Cousin’s head in transition. He threw an outlet pass directly to Venezuelan guard Gregory Vargas. But he couldn’t quite break through and record his first assist as an Olympian.

And then, it happened.

Barnes threw a perfect entry pass to Draymond Green, who was posting up just inside the three-point line. Draymond dribbled, dribbled, dribbled again, and spun. Five seconds and twenty feet later, he laid the ball in with his left hand.

Assist: Harrison Barnes. The crowd went wild!

Harrison’s pass was so good, the scorekeeper was still thinking about it after Draymond’s extended passage through all that time and space. If he can throw perfect entry passes like that consistently, and then stay the hell out of the way for the next five to ten seconds until Nowitzki scores, Barnes might average a double-double after all.

Can you say All-Star?

Harrison Barnes looks to eviscerate Team Nigeria this Monday at 7 pm central.

Frumpman: The Worst NBA Player Logos

Since the Jumpman first took flight, shoe companies have longed to create lasting, iconic logos for their athletes. Though no one has touched Jordan’s level of recognition, some players such as Kobe and LeBron have logos widely known among NBA fans.

Yesterday, Under Armour filed a trademark of a logo for their star point guard, Emmanuel “You thought I’d say Steph Curry” Mudiay. But it doesn’t take a fashion nazi to see why this logo is horrible. 

Inspired by this questionable logo choice, ChodeLeague.com presents:

A DEEP DIVE OF THE 13 WORST PLAYER LOGOS
IN NBA HISTORY

(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

1. Emmanuel Mudiay

Mudiay

It’s not what it looks like, mom. It’s just Third Reich iconography!

What the logo means: Take an E, take an M. Now shape them both like Nazi batarangs. What have you got? A fucking mess of Mudiay’s initials.

Why it is horrible: So you’ve made a swastika. Or at the very least, it’s certainly not not a swastika. The only way this could be worse is if this was the design for Dirk’s shoe.

2. Paul George

George

I’m telling you, the Indiana Rhinos will love it.

What the logo means: Here, parts of a P and a G represent his initials.

Why it is horrible: It doesn’t seem to have any sort of vision or purpose. Some questions: Why is the G cut in half? Why does it look like a question mark, or maybe a reach-around? Can someone make a decent logo for U.S. Olympian and The Bachelor guest-star, PG-13?

Yes

Yes, but only if I can be nauseatingly clever about it.

Oh look, there’s one now.

But if you take pictures like this, maybe it’s fitting to have a shitty logo:

DJ Khaled

Looks like you played yourself.

3. Dwight Howard

We hired a team of expert rocket scientists and middle school cheerleaders to analyze this logo. You WON’T BELIEVE what they found, or the in-depth infographic they produced:

dhup

Also pictured: the word “dhup”

As you can see, the logo subconsciously forms the letter S as in “really sucks now.”

4. Blake Griffin

griffin

Apparently the Clippers now have yellow shorts?

What the logo means: It’s a B and a G, for obvious reasons.

Why it is horrible: This logo looks like it belongs on a car, and no, definitely not a certain Kia with a 5-star Crash Test Safety Rating. The angles of the letters form a rough wing pattern, which could represent Blake’s ability to fly, but they also end up creating a weird V in the middle. There is no V in Blake “My Team Wins More When I’m Hurt” Griffin. So why the V?

The rest of the negative space looks like a gun on the left, and a broken leg on the right. Can someone page Carl Landry that we found his logo?

5. John Wall

this is really his logo

Wizards Coach Scott Brooks holds up the logo that really is exactly like John Wall’s. (Hint: John’s rocking the one on the right.)

What the logo means: As you can clearly see, this logo features the letters J and W, because by NBA law, modern player logos can only use initials.

Why it is horrible: This logo was clearly a rip-off of Weyerhammer Paper Company from The Office, whose Airstream Deluxe A4 model truly is the Cadillac of paper.

Did the guy at Adidas who made this logo later join the Melania Trump speech writing team? (The previous joke was topical, socially indicating my knowledge of current events with a wink and a nod.)

6. Dwyane Wade

WayofWade

All I can say is: WoW

What the logo means: Apparently, you can spell W-A-D-E using the top, bottom, left, and right portions of the circle respectively. Our team of scientist-cheerleaders says not to try this at home.

Why it is horrible: It’s eerily similar to the logo for Stance, the sock company Wade signed with before releasing his own logo. It also looks like an asshole, which may or may not be a coincidence.

7. Paul Pierce

12-paul-pierce-nike-shoe-logo1

P^2

What the logo means: Pretty please, kill me.

Why it is horrible: Could be mistaken for I2, an unfinished R, just the letter P, or the Egyptian hieroglyph for “faking an injury.”

8. Lance Stephenson

Stephenson

Pictured: Lance Stephenson, twice

What the logo means: It’s Lance Stephenson’s face.

Why it is horrible: It’s Lance Stephenson’s face.

9. Charles Barkley

Barkley

C(huge ass)3

What the logo means: This is meant to show Charles Barkley, having secured a rebound.

Why it is horrible: Ah yes, what could be more iconic than Barkley’s form after grabbing a board? What other athletic feat could produce such a stunning silhouette?

This abomination looks like a suburban mother of three who dressed as a ninja turtle for the neighborhood costume party. Its only saving grace is Chuck’s serious donk.

10. Vince Carter

Carter

Are those thresher maws tiled in the background? I truly cannot tell.

What the logo means: Somewhere in this image, the designers have cleverly hidden a V, a C, and the number 15 from the eyes of any and all inquisitive viewers.

Why it is horrible: “Hey Rupert, how can we visually symbolize one of the most aesthetically graceful players ever?”

“Let’s try to cram a bunch of shit into as small an area as possible.”

“That sounds great, and won’t look like a Russian porn app either”

11. Ray Allen

Ray

If the R is the trajectory of Allen’s shot, he’s fucked.

What the logo means: Ray Allen likes to shoot and his name is Ray.

Why it is horrible: In the nineties, silhouettes were in, à la Michael Jordan. But there’s nothing iconic about shooting a jumpshot per se. Really, everyone shoots jumpshots.

Cue the logo maker: “How can we make it clear that this is Ray Allen shooting a jumpshot… OH! Let’s spell his name and make him the R. But uh, just the straight part, it’s still the nineties.”

12. Rasheed Wallace

rasheed-wallace-jumpshot-logo.jpg

“Let not thy left leg know what thy right leg doeth.” – Mathhew 6:3

What the logo means: It’s Rasheed, either shooting, or dunking, or grabbing a rebound, or maybe just holding the ball away from a squabble of kids below.

Why it is horrible: If this shitty silhouette is supposed to show Sheed shooting, well shucks. It doesn’t look like his jumper at all (note his lack of leg kick in real life).

If it’s meant to show him dunking straight up-and-down like a pencil, grabbing a rebound directly above his head, or torturing tiny children, the designer should be shot.

13. Kobe Bryant, Adidas Era

adidas-the-kobe-sample-4-620x413

We’re “passing” on this one

What the logo means: It’s the fro-file of a young Kobe Bryant.

Why it is horrible: This could very well be the profile of any human being with a head and/or face. The point of a logo is to make the consumer think of a singular player, not the collection of most humans on Earth. At least the shoes weren’t horribl-

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Life imitates art, but these look like concept car models

BONUS ROUND: Anthony “Freak Geek” Davis

At just 23 years of age, Anthony Davis still lacks both “teammates” and a “Nike signature logo.” Naturally, we propose the only rational option for the Brow: 

4682999150164754_615b67fffb2e75bcf6b0612c78f755c6f032be3c4712a7f8ee47b988c7662be0_large

A wax and an orthodontist

 

Mike (@Schubes17) is an editor at Chode League and is the “Suit” half of Suit & Nut. This article was edited by Ricky, the founder of Chode League and the “Nut” of Suit & Nut.